Dear Noah:

So I finally pulled you over this morning to talk to you and ask you some questions, which of course you hate! Especially questions about WHY or HOW you feel about something. I have noticed this past week that you don't want to do anything or go anywhere. You have not even wanted to get out of your PJs on most days let alone brush your hair or teeth. I have wondered why. I have also noticed that for the past week or so you seem to not be so willing to give me a kiss on the lips. When I ask for a kiss you come over and then never give ME an actual kiss but instead turn your head and push it into my face or head. You wait for me to kiss YOU. I ask for a kiss on the lips and it is like pulling teeth to get you to do this. You used to give those kisses all the time. You still occasionally will especially for Daddy. But for some reason lately you seem to be backing off on that.

I have heard about regression in autistic kids. I always thought that was more for the speech/language aspect but also know it can be other things such as being around people, etc.

I pulled you over and asked you today WHY you did not want to go anywhere this week. Yous still don't understand the concept of why. SO I tried asking you "how does it make you FEEL to go to the store or the library". You understood this and started to cry. You said you did not want to go anywhere because too many strangers were all around you. Well, that made sense to me. I know at the park this week you had an episode with that other kid riding his bike past you that freaked you out. You also hurt your leg again. We usually go to the library now on Fridays (TODAY) as it is not crowded. However, you did not even want to go there this morning. You did not want to go to the store or Target. NO where. You said you wanted Burger King for lunch but Daddy could bring it HOME to you. I told you that driving through the drive through there are no other people or strangers around as you are in the car with Mommy and Daddy only. You said you could do THAT but that was the ONLY place you would go.

I DID coax you into getting dressed and getting your teeth brushed and hair brushed. I had to threaten you with NOT being able to record today all day if you did not get dressed or brush your teeth, etc. That worked even though you had a fit in the process. You did end up getting dressed and doing your basic hygiene stuff. However, if I would have pressed the issue and told you you had to go somewhere in order to record I think you would NOT have done that. You literally cry today and have every day anytime we even suggest you go somewhere.

So now what to do... if anything. I am not sure. I know this is all part of the way you are. I can live with that but...I also wonder about your future if you want to stay holed up in the condo all the time. Maybe it is just fleeting and this too will pass and something else will take its place. That has happened many times over.

I wonder if you might be depressed? I know the doctor also diagnosed you with generalized anxiety disorder. She said you were anxious about everything all the time. How exhausting that must be. But I see you many times during the day and you are not anxious about anything. You seem very content and calm here at home. Maybe that explains WHY you want to stay home all the time. To remain calm and safe and content? HUM.......that is a lot to think about. Also makes me rethink going ahead and applying for the Colorado state Medicaid Waiver and SSI for you now. I guess it is possible as you get older you will need additional support.

Well...now I am anxious. Daddy went to run all the errands this morning so I could stay home with you. You are off in your room recording yourself playing Roller Coaster Tycoon. Most times you prefer eating in your room too by your computer. SO breakfast and lunch and supper it is not uncommon to find you sitting there at your PC and eating your meal alone. This seems to make you happy and content. SOMETIMES I get you to come out or MAKE you come out and eat with us. You used to do it all the time at lunch at least. Lately I have allowed you to just go ahead and eat lunch in your room too. I guess I should still keep you coming out here with us for at least that one meal every day.

Now I have a lot to think about.

I love you!

Mommy