Tuesday, May 23, 2006

dear Noah:

Came home tonight after a long day. You were quite over stimulated by this point.

SO....you started your usual routines. Opening and closing doors....going in and out the doors....opening grandma's washer and dryer doors....out to the kitchen and opening and closing the freezer and refrigerator doors......walking past the microwave....opening and SLAMMING close the door to that.......the bathroom door was next...around the house...back....and start the entire process all over again. It only seemed to wind you up even more! I finally said you would have to come upstairs as it was your "QUIET HOUR" and you needed to "CALM DOWN".

Now you stand here beside me...and every so many words I type...you PUSH on my right hand...slamming it into the keyboard and I make a mistake and you laugh and giggle even harder. YOU apparently find it very funny!

Anyway....you went upstairs....and then started with your "sounds/stimming" ....where you move an object (usually a ruler or something straight-edged) back and forth in front of your eyes while you make this horrific grunting sound...over and over and over again. Most people would be bothered by this tremendously. I can tune it out somehow. It is a wonder you don't become hoarse!

Okay. I am going to get my PJs on. We bought some wonderful baby yarn for grandma today. ALL different pastel colors. Now she can make more preemie baby hats!

love you little man!

mommy X0X0X0X

Dear Noah:

Well we ran errands today after checking out those houses for rent. Why does everything have to be so darn expensive I don't have a clue. HOW does someone make it in the world on min. wage??? I don't have a clue on that one either! I don't make min. wage thank goodness. BUT I also don't make the money I made at the Children's Hospital anymore either. I was spoiled!. NOW working part-time makes it tough to be able to afford anything. I need to work part-time now for you. TO be here for you...to help you qualify for more benefits...etc. I need to homeschool...find a place to move.....and everything else. SO MUCH. BUT today we did some errands. Ended up at Wal*Mart. You were cramping....wanted to use the restroom...but were not thrilled when you saw the AUTOMATIC toilets. You still do not like those that well especially if you need to sit down and use the bathroom! SO...you tried holding it....cramping diarrhea is NOT something anyone can hold in for long. Your face was pinched up.....you were getting pale and clammy....white.....hands down your pants again for the millionth time today. An issue we are working on. BACK to the bathroom....not much came out. You said the "urge" passed many times. BUT you still had to go I could tell. BUT you refused. We left...I KNEW you may not make it to grandma's house. AND almost there you yelled out "stop and pull over now.....I made a mess in my pants!" WHICH of course I could NOT do.....so I told you to sit still....we were almost there. WE pulled in....you showed me your hands. You had stuck them down your pants again...and when you pulled them out...they were full of poop! WHAT a mess.....I cleaned you up a bit outside...told you to get inside and to the bathroom. I went in too......more mess...we ended up stripping you and putting the clothes in the washer. THEN you hopped on the tub and had a HUGE episode of diarrhea. THEN we stuck you in the tub. You got cleaned up and calmed down. Said you felt better after the diarrhea passed. I GUESS SO with the amount you passed. You had Chik-Fil-A for lunch. Something about it gives you diarrhea almost every time you eat their food.

SO.......back home...in the tub you started saying this: "When I grow up I am going to also build apartments. Yes...apartments....townhomes...condos...mobile homes....multI-family homes (with emphasis on the "i")......and then you talked about how you would build AFFORDABLE housing.........and make it easier for people to buy a house. You said you would have a FINANCE center INSIDE your office. SO many things you think of that I doubt many other 7-year-olds think of.

Anyway..my feet hurt. We stopped at a SUPER Wal*Mart which seemed endless. I prefer my SUPER TARGET! I LOVE SUPER TARGET!! Cannot wait to be able to shop there again. We did a lot of walking in Wal*Mart.....to and from the bathroom!

You are now standing here beside me. It is your quiet hour You are laughing and giggling as I type cause you NOW can READ everything I type. It is quite funny. YOU KNOW ALL these words and many more BIG words......such a grown up little man you are when it comes to reading.

BUT your forte is REAL ESTATE. Yep....a 7-year-old real estate whiz!

I love you....forever.......and always.

Mommy :X

Monday, May 22, 2006

Dear Noah:

Well mommy is starting to feel like such a failure. I just cannot seem to find a place for us to live. I had decided to move back to Colorado.....and now cannot even find something affordable there! I am about to scream. SO much crap on my plate to deal with. Trying to keep working at least part-time through it all. NOW am thinking about trying to just even RENT an available unit down by your aunt Angela's apartment complex. At least there we could move in right away...and it is affordable. However...the owner/landlord seems to not really be keen on the idea I work from home and need to prove my income and credit crap to him. I can do that. He seems nice. The apartment has been completely remodeled. It has new carpet..new kitchen...new dishwasher, stove and frideg. New fencing up around the patio area. AND 1200 sq. feet. No garage...not enough storage areas...but for the cheap rent I could still rent a locker too.

I am desperate. I am depressed about all this. I am sad....want to scream and cry all at the same time. WHY can't I just go RENT A FREAKIN PLACE? I feel like I am letting you down. The pressure from family to MOVE OUT continues. NO help also continues. The rest of our lives are kind of on hold it seems till I can resolve this issue. Stress has become my first name. I feel like vomiting more than not. I feel like crying all the time today. I don't feel sorry for myself but do wish I had an instant solution to the problems we face.

Crap continues. All crap. CONSTANT crap. I don't think I can take much more.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Sample of Noah's code writing

This is a sample of one of Noah's code writings...it says:

I Want to go outside to go to meet Blake.

Dear Noah:

So....we took grandma out to the cemetery to place flowers on the graves for Memorial Day. You did pretty well there. You wanted to rush home however in order to play with the neighbor boy....though I kept telling you he had company and/or was gone.

SO I said we could go out and play ball together...etc. Just to let you outside and in the fresh air and sun. We did that....you got thirsty. We went inside to get juice. You got yourself a box and me a box.

BACK outside....juice break. Then tossing the ball around. Next thing I know you decided to toss the ball right in my face with my sunglasses on. This was no accident. When asked "why" you did that you said the typical "I don't know". SO I said you would have to go inside for a "time out".

Needless to say this did NOT go over well with you. You went stomping inside the house...slamming the first door behind you in my face...then the second door even harder. I came in and loudly told you to NOT do that...and to get upstairs and take the time out. You proceeded to yell at me....refusing.....crying...kicking/screaming......falling down on the floor.....finally got you upstairs...where you promptly slammed the 3rd door shut. PUTTING a bag against the door inside the room to keep me out. AND it was my bedroom!

SO.....I took care of that...and again reminded you were in a time out. You went into the 3rd bedroom....and became very quiet.....

still on and on all I hear now is about playing with the neighbor boy Blake. ON AND ON. You won't let it go. You go from one extreme where you want to be around NO ONE...not even to let someone see you...and then to wanting to play with kids next door but then never wanting to stop. ON AND ON AND ON.....all I hear now ...and you crying and whining in between.

You are so emotional. No control on the emotions. Trying to teach you to be in control of the emotions...so difficult. I remind you to take 5 deep breaths and count to 10....taking deep breaths in....blowing them out....breathe....breathe.........breathe......think happy calming thoughts...allowing yourself to calm down.

ALL seems well......next thing I know you are on my lap talking about Blake again...and crying. Now you are obssessed only with Blake and playing with Blake and cannot think of doing ANYTHING else other than something with Blake...even if you have been told today is not possible. This is exhausting. This also means I most likely cannot just pick something else that might be fun to do. Even take a drive. PLUS I have to still make you take your official time out for the tossing of the ball into my face earlier and lack of listening to me after that...by lashing out..etc.

It is all about listening...something you seem to NOT be able to do much at all lately. In fact...I can give you VERBAL commands......and just one word things.....and say "remember these words "fish, cat, dog, bird" and a few seconds later (NOT EVEN MINUTES) I can ask you what I said to remember and you don't have a clue. You have GREAT memory skills...but cannot do this for some reason lately. It is like your mind is elsewhere constantly. Usually you will say when asked what the things were "I don't know"....something you say a lot of lately.

I will be so thankful to get back to Colorado. So thankful to get our own place somewhere. BACK into some sense of routine. NO I cannot live with your father....but it will be good he can participate in your life and help. Sure I know some would say it would be easier to stick with your father.....no matter how I may truly feel....stick with him regardless...cause together we made good money....could offer you more perhaps....he has better benefits he can offer you through his employer...etc. BUT somewhere along the way we became as roommates only. Brother/sister. Not husband/wife. LONG story...not going to get into it here.

I love you ....finally you are on my bed calming down. I think I will crawl over there with you and see if we can rest together.


Autism Every Day videoclip

Video Clips: Autism Every Day

Great link to take you to a video clip about autism and families and how it affects their daily lives. Noah thank goodness has worked through many of these stages already.........but.......WE DID go through these things with him as well and he still has many issues though he has made huge progress.

A clip of how autism affects the families involved in their daily lives....it shows the STRESS and work involved.....however....this particular clip does not show the hope and progress many children with autism make over the years. So don't lose hope or sight of that...this clip was made to address and show the STRESS and anguish side of autism...which we all have had to face at some point with our own kids with autism. Noah used to be EXACTLY LIKE these kids in the clip.....behavioral outbursts......emotional mess. He has made HUGE progress and now has very few meltdown moments.....and is learning to control his behaviors better, etc. On the other hand...there will also be some children with autism who are even worse than the children portrayed in this clip.

Click on link...then choose AUTISM EVERY DAY and your connection speed



another HUGE area of interest with you.....you are sooo into MAPS......but even more than that. You are into HIGHWAYS.....roads....and one of your favorite pasttimes is READING AND STUDYING your road atlas!!!!!! for hours you can. You even take a highlighter and follow main highways through different states. Here you are....at 7....and can tell me what interstates are in different states and where they go! Even states you have never been to. MOST AMAZING! LOVE the education this provides...so I ENCOURAGE it too...I buy you more Atlases......as you go through them pretty quickly...though we just tape up the old ones and NEVER throw them away!

You say you want to build houses....build roads and be a Sunday driver when you grow up. Maybe one day you will be able to take care of mommy! haha

Yuo already have a jump start.............cause you area also now designing your own highways. What is more amazing is the fact that you can recreate MAJOR interstate intersections you have traveled over. Since being in Ohio and only going around the new I-70, I-75 interchange.....you have apparently memorized it...both the old and new...and can DRAW it all out on paper. You have been using your DOODLE PADDY (as you call it) to draw all sorts of things like this.....over and over....drawing...erasing......drawing again. I have bought you a couple of spiral-bound art pads.....hoping to get you to also draw some in there to keep PERMANENTLY.......but you rarely seem to want to do that. I will have to try to SCAN something the next time you draw it on your Magna Doodle.......and post it here with some of your other things. I am sure many would be as amazed as I am!

Course you have the lingo down for that too...whether something is truly a highway or just a State Route......all sorts of words. AND you can also name about all the state capitals now. MORE than sometimes I can even recall. ALL at 7. You are simply amazing.

love you tons!


Kiss Poppers

You are too sweet Noah. You have made up something called Kiss Poppers. You come up...and kiss me head on....but make a huge air/popping sound when finishing. It does feel a bit weird and sounds even funnier. We both get to laughing when you do it...but you are soooooo serious about it when you start one.....

here is a picture you took of me....a bit blurry but pretty good!

Dear Noah:

Well....you have come up with some writing all your own...in code.....maybe some sort of shorthand....I think it is amazing. I have been trying to encourage you to write more.....and slowly you are. Lately it is all about real estate with you. Well it always has been I guess. You talk real estate...house plans...houses for sale....water heaters...furnaces....blueprints...etc.

NOW you are drawing your own designs......already at 7.......you design houses on a computer very well....down to the details in the rooms. BUT this is freehand stuff you are doing...drawing plans out...rooms out.....and you started using INITIALS ONLY to stand for words like they do in those house plans. Something clicked and you discovered you could do that with about every word you were trying to write...so you did. SO something like this TD I P D could mean "today is pizza day". You do the typical WD to mean "washer/dryer".....BR to mean "bedroom"....all the typical lingo for blueprint stuff. BUT to branch it out like you did is amazing.

NOW more recently you have taken those INITIALS and ADDED tiny words in between some of them.....so now it may look like: TD is T for 2 PD at D to mean "today is two for two pizza day at Dominos".

I LOVE all this and highly encourage it....cause you are learning to write....spell...and figure out how to make sentences all at the same time....not that you don't already know how...but to make up YOUR OWN stuff is great! AND to have the ability write them down! I SO WANT you to be able to learn to write things down if you want...to be a writer and express stuff in a journal...to vent in your writing...anything. This is a huge thing for you I know too as obviously you are more visual.


I love You.....to the MOON and back again..forever I will


Monday, May 15, 2006

Found a beautiful home in Colorado to buy...but.....

see...isn't it gorgeous? well...it is being sold for 69,900.00....an UNHEARD of price about anywhere...but especially Colorado. SO I called the realtor to see if that was the correct price for the home...figuring they left off a 2 before the 6...something.

IT IS THE CORRECT PRICE..........BUT...and it is a big but...BUT...the entire house has to be MOVED off the property. I guess for some weird reason the land it sits on is NOT part of the house deal.

Gee....and this was going to be cheaper than renting anything out there even. Like HALF .....this is when I need some construction crew buds or team from Oprah or Extreme Makeover......I would need a miracle. ...besides the fact that you have to then own land to move the house to. ......

nothing seems very easy these days........

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Dear Noah:

Where do I even begin? I am under incredible pressure from most family members to MOVE. I totally understand we have out-stayed our welcome here at grandma's house. I GET THAT. I wish everyone would remember...that I did not even want to move back here to OHIO to begin with. The only reason I did was cause I felt it might be more affordable and my entire family was back here. I figured I would have support. I KNEW you being around family gatherings and such would be a good experience for the most part. I felt it was important during this transition of me leaving your daddy to at least get you to be around others....do things with others...PLAY with other kids...etc.

SO I did accomplish at least that by making this move back. You have enjoyed playing with cousin Audrey whom I think is a kick. She is so much fun to be around and you two seem to really play well together. My sister Angela and her husband Gary and her son Alex ALL have TOTALLY accepted you and invite us over on a regular basis for dinner and play dates. Alex is 13 years old but likes to play with you..or fakes it well. You enjoy your visits there and cry when it is time to leave.

The neighbor kids here at grandma's house have come over and you have made friends with them. BOTH of them ages 11 and 8 seem to enjoy playing with you regardless. They get a kick out of you standing upstairs looking down at their dog through the window.... howling in unison with him when he howls.....and they try to make you laugh and such. You do. They do. Their dad has talked to me many times and has told me many times you are more than welcome to come over and play. I think for a complete stranger to come up and offer that to me...even OVER family members...it is great. Speaks volumes to me.

SO you are thriving. YOU love the company here when they come to visit grandma. YOU SOAK it all up and have blossomed. We saw the realtor so much you were even hugging her all the time. Well crap you even hugged the home inspector. You hugged the man renting that house we might get.

BUT today I am sitting here typing this through tears. My mom sent me a huge e-mail telling me it was time for us to move on. Grandma was afraid she might get hurt because of something you might do. Trip her....lay down in front of her feet as she walks by.....pushing her from behind as she walks by...just jumping into her lap to give you a hug or kiss....her 83-year-old body cannot take it. She about falls down now at times when she walks.....cause she has diabetic neuropathy..so she cannot feel her feet many times when she walks. You coming up and putting your hands on her backside to even gently push against her as she walks makes her almost fall down or she probably feels like she will fall down. I think she is a bit afraid of you now. I am honestly trying to get us out of here fast. I had no URGE to move back to Ohio to begin with. I DID NOT want to move in with a family member, even my grandma. She offered...more than once. I told her up front it could be a couple of months before we could leave if I was buying a house. She still offered. I HAD NO INTENTIONS of ever staying anywhere already for 3 months PLUS. I wanted to be gone and on our own immediately! I know we looked at 35 houses at least for sale when I was thinking about just buying a place. I made 2 offers...we got nothing. I decided to forgo buying and just rent a house. APARTMENT life is less than ideal with you because you do move around a lot and make noises which can be disturbing for other tenants at times. PLUS you need a place to get out and run around...a fenced in yard...basement ..something.

SO I immediately started calling and checking around about rental properties. I finally found this current home we are trying to rent. I think I may get it. Meanwhile however.....all my relatives out of concern for grandma.....either due to things she has told them they misinterpreted or whatever....have all been talking amongst "themselves" about US. About how it is a matter of time before an ACCIDENT happens...you knock grandma over and she breaks a hip and ends up in a nursing home..etc. Matter of time before something bad happens. THey tell me that grandma is stressed...wants her home back...is afraid to say anything for fear of hurting my feelings. SO my cousin contacts MY mom to vent her concerns....or other's concerns....who really even cares. Like my mommy can any longer tell me anything or fix a problem with "you". If my cousin had a problem with me or you or wanted to just make me aware of what you might be doing...she should have taken me aside and told me directly. BUT this did not happen. She goes around also behind my back...contacts my mom....and the shit hits the fan and I get one of mom's world famous letters in e-mail form. This of course is already since we had the falling out with my dad (your grandpa). My one sister appears to be mad at me or apparently also thinks I am taking advantage of grandma. Another sister I also don't see or hear from. ONE I do and she has accepted us into her home very well and offered complete support. Apparently everyone else tells me one thing to my face and then another behind my back....all saying they cannot believe I am STILL HERE after 3 months. Oh really...like I CAN? LIKE that was my long-term goal? Like I am delaying moving back out cause I want to delay it? GIVE ME A FREAKIN break! Living apparently under the magnifying lens of my relatives is horrible! EVERYONE knows my business or seems to.....word of mouth is horrible...as no one gets the story straight. BUT they are also all cowards...no one coming to me directly...not even my mom. Always a letter.

Well...If they can find me a house for rent with a garage and what we need for the price I CAN afford...I sure as hell wish they would do it. That is the thing. SO many offer up their opinions on the subject. NO one has stepped forward to actually HELP with anything. My sister and her partner did step forward and help me unload my truck and such when I first got here. That has been it even from them.

So....the pressure is on to say the least now to get out. NOT like I was not already trying to get out and fast. BUT I have decided this. IF I do not get this house..I am moving all our extra stuff back into the storage locker. I will take minimal stuff to a motel and we will stay there till we can find a place to rent. OR I may just repack all our crap up and into a moving truck and drive back somewhere out west and start all over again.....though then you have no one again you would be around. THOUGH I could get involved with others once there...meet people and kids you could get involved with through the supports you would still be qualified to receive..etc. I don't know. I don't really care anymore. Perhaps being 1200 miles away from family is actually for the best as I can see it all very clearly now. Everyone in my family thinks I am not ABLE to make any sound decisions right now cause I have too much going on. Not one however except Angela or my cousin Debbie has offered to even WATCH Noah.....if I needed it. Well Melissa did once...but she has since stopped communicating to me altogether. So once again I am being labeled UNSTABLE and unable to make sound decisions...rational decisions and choices....of course this means they are more qualified in their minds than I ever will be..hence all the OPINIONS coming to me. Again..I HAVE NOT ASKED for their opinions.

I guess somewhere along the way I never made it clear to my family that you not only have autism...but you have a developmental delay. DUH. You look large for a 7-year-old anyway....so they all expect you to act older...to LISTEN when told to do or not to do something. They forget that developmentally and emotionally you are much much younger than 7. I think that is one reason you so enjoy playing with 2, 3 and 4-year-olds so much. I know when you had your speech evaluated the first time at about 3-4 you were only at an 18-month-old level for that then! How do 18-month-olds communicate? BY hitting...pushing.....crying......biting...etc. ALL behaviors you did try or use periodically. It is not a discipline problem....not an easy fix problem.....not a you are doing it on purpose to be mean problem. I don't think you can even understand what being "mean" entails. You do not grasp concepts like that.

Temple Grandin explains this very well. She talked about how as a younger child.....going to something like a birthday party was torture for her....all the noise..chaos...etc...was just too much for her and she would invariably act out by "pushing...biting...or finding an ashtry or any object within reach and flinging it across the room"! THIS IS YOU. NOT all the time but you do this. I have seen it. Hence my hesitancy many times to even take you to a family get together or function or large grouping of people. You can only take so much. The confusion created in that environment is too stimulating for you.

In others' eyes viewing your behavior however...they think you are a spoiled brat. They truly do not think you are doing this because of any disability. My family thinks you are just not listening because I do not discipline you enough. I so wish one of them would at least show enough INTEREST in trying to understand you and your world to learn about it. To look at a DVD I have on autism. To read material on it. To listen to your doctor or occupational therapist explain to them your behaviors...etc....and why they are a true physiological need of yours and not something you purposefully choose to do.

SO I have to teach you there are social rules in this world. I know you can learn them. BUT it can take YEARS for you to grasp simple social concepts if you ever even will. For example you laugh many times at things that are not socially something you should be laughing at. To you it is funny to try to go up and kiss grandma's boobies...not realizing that not only is is inappropriate...but also not funny! The main concern I have now is you are growing and getting bigger. You are getting stronger and weigh more. YOU can easily hurt someone if you are not careful...and not intentionally. SO this makes some afraid of you I think.....ignorant about you and autism etc...but still afraid. Afraid of the lack of control...lack of predictability....lack of understanding. If it was a simple thing as just telling you "NOT" to do something and you would listen wow.....we would have no problems would we?

Austim does not work that way. Autism combined with sensory integration disorder....generalized anxiety disorder......speech/language delay......etc. can cause huge issues to deal with. NONE are easy and all are exhausting. NOW I am in it alone. I have no one to really turn to...for help with you even. Well complete strangers....people I can meet via the help from the county. So be it.

BUT I feel sick to my stomach today. You left last night to be with your daddy. I have much to do here including trying to figure out do I stay here long enough to complete my residency requirement so I can get the divorce over and done with? Get you your benefits and SSI established..etc...or if I do not get this house do I just move on regardless? Load up and move em out and start everything all over again in another state? Some states would get you closer to your dad for visits and such....which IF he is being genuine (and that is a BIG if)....might be better for you as you could see him more often? I don't know. I know we cannot stay here any longer.

I have a few blogs. I quit posting anything PERSONAL on my efx2 because my family members would read what I posted and then form their own opinions that I would then invariably hear about. But you know what? I don't recall asking any of them for their opinion. I cannot believe my mom (your grandma-NOT the one we live with now) would think for a minute she could e-mail me anything along the lines she did where she is telling me to move US out and NOW and why she thinks it would be best and how she is interpreting it...etc. First off I am 47-years-old now. I am no longer 14 where she can tell me what to do. I did not ask her opinion and this was not her business to butt her nose into. This is between me and grandma. I WOULD never have sent her an e-mail withouth her asking for my opinion on something, to offer up my opinion to her on anything going on in her life. No matter if I even felt an urge to do so. Mom has always stuck her nose into our business in totally inappropriate ways. Out of love? No...I don't think so. I think out of a control issue. Since coming back from Colorado to Ohio they all now realize they can no longer control me. I am no longer persuaded to easily do what they think I should be doing. I think this bothers them immensely and is one of the things that creates the problems in our lives from them we are having now. Do they honestly think something is wrong with ME? What.....ever ince I tried to commit suicide at 22 I am forever marked UNSTABLE??????? Get over it. I am the most stable person around considering the crap I live in all the time. If I act paranoid gee....maybe you have all given me reasons to feel that way? AM I the only one who sees that or gets that??????

I was told no one wanted to tell me these issues they had with us still living here directly cause they did not want to hurt my feelings. They did not want me to get mad. They were afraid I would get mad. Oh really? I get more mad when someone goes behind my back and stirs up all sorts of gossip......rather than come to my face directly. HEather should have contacted me directly if she had a problem with Noah doing something to grandma. I am his mother and the only one who can be more aware or try to fix the issue..NOT MY MOM.

Was their goal to make me so uncomfortable I would do something drastic and get out like TODAY? if they had asked...they would have found out I was likely going to be going this week to begin with. NOW they will think it is because of mom's e-mails that we are SUDDENLY leaving. Shit no. I was making arrangements to go regardless as I cannot live like this anymore. I am an extremely independent person...and while I am thankful grandma let us stay here for a bit...I CANNOT stand living like this anymore and it is more than time for me and MY sanity too ...to move on. I GET that everyone in my family...ARE YOU READING THiS????????? hope so cause I have changed my other blogs to BUDDIES only and that means if you are not my buddy you will no longer be able to read my posts. Not like I was posting anything personal anymore anywhere anyway. I stopped that a long time ago.....but yes...I decided to post one personal post yesterday...and then look what happens. SHIT flew....

I am extremely uncomfortable being here. KNOWING you are living somewhere and not welcome is horrible. IT may never have been anyone's intentions to make me or you feel that way...but that is exactly what has happened.

SO stress. WOW...do you think we have experienced enough of it? I can only hope and pray too I keep my job! I need to work from home to be there for you. I need to get through all this crap meanwhile too. Figure out housing....get you benefits...us insurance...homeschool you..etc. What a nightmare. NOTHING has been easy.

BUT I love you. I will be packing stuff up later today no matter where I go. No one in my family even needs to know where I am going. They do not really care anyway...they just want us gone. SO gone we will be. To me it does not really matter any longer that your grandma (my mom) will never invite you over to spend the day with her......or want to volunteer to babysit you at our house. Her fears of not being able to handle you have been shown to me numerous times...SO BE IT. It is not a requirement. You will do fine without that in your life. Aunt Angela has even mentioned that you might stay there...so...I have discovered your needs can be met in different ways than the usual traditional ways.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

More from Cox Arboretum trip April 2006

Trip with cousin Alex and Uncle Gary and Aunt Angela to Cox Arboretum

Dear Noah: Thoughts on Saturday May 6, 2006

AHHHHHHHHHHHH...cooler temps. Somehow I think I would do very well living in a cooler climated location! hahaah. I am NOT into extreme heat temps or humidity!

Yesterday was quite busy for me. I worked.....homeschooled Noah which was extremely trying because he has not wanted to listen to me very well lately. I did all our laundry AND our sheets...remade the beds......got me a shower and gave Noah a bath......swept the entire upstairs AND dusted......cleaned up things around here a bit....also painted some cupboards/windows in grandma's basement and hung some curtain rods over her windows in the basement so we could hang curtains up. My uncle Sonny came over with his grandson Wesley and him and Noah had a ball playing together.

In fact the neighbor girl stopped by on Thursday and she is so good with Noah. Her brother also came by and he is good around Noah too. They all ended up playing outside at grandma's house for a long time playing tag and hide-n-seek! Then another boy came along and also played. I am thrilled Noah has been playing with other kids and enjoying it so much and doing so well with it all! The neighbor kids ar great and so friendly. They invite Noah over all the time...but so far I have not let him go over there cause I would have a hard time keeping an eye on him. The girl was amazed to see how much Noah could read and talk about houses. She left telling him to read up on more and she would be back over to look at more house books with him. He was thrilled to say the least!

Grandma said Noah was "chunky". NOT sure why she said that as he is not even at the 50th percentile for weight for a boy in his age group. He is NO way close to being chunky. Naked he has no fat on his body anywhere....not even any excess belly. I always called him lean to skinny cause he is. I don't get that part....and why society has trained people to think that a normal weight or slightly underweight is somehow still CHUNKY? HOW skinny do people have to be these days? I rememeber when Melissa (audsmom) was talking about how some kids were saying Audrey was chunky or fat. WHAT??????????? she is like Noah...NO FAT on her anywhere!!! I mean she is lean. It is a wonder kids end up with body image issues at such a young age. AND I also heard her say a few times to Noah "ah you don't want that cookie cause it will just make you fat!" HEY now....we all know it is NOT the cookie that will make you fat. EATING 10 cookies might if you do it a lot as anything in excess will. Eating 1-2 cookies for a snack however is NOT going to make you fat! It is how you live as well as HOW MUCH you put into your mouth that decides that. Noah is very active though again some would say he doesn't get out to run and play often. I guess they are not aware I take him to parks when we get out and play areas. Recently I have started to allow him time to play outside at grandma's too ...but I have to be freed up time-wise to be able to be down there while he is. Here is my little LEAN MAN......

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Today is a gorgeous day. MUCH cooler...so nice. I need to get some work done. Noah's daddy flies in tonight to spend about 3 days to see him. Not sure how that might go..hopefully well. Noah is excited about it. SO we will have to pack up a bag and get him ready to head out of the house for the next 3 days and nights.

I got a lot of the work that needed done around here done yesterday so I could have some free time this weekend and on my days off. I only have some county paperwork to complete along with balancing my checkbook and my paperwork will be complete!

I can then actually do fun things if I want in my time off...an entirely new concept for me!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Dear Noah

ALSO....tonight when Sonny was here grandma started talking about you.....and Sonny and her were talking about Wesley being so tall and skinny and then you..grandma said she thought you were NOT skinny and in fact that you were CHUNKY!!!!??????? excuse me?

You are most definitely NOT even close to being chunky in any way.....shape or form. You are not a bone either but you are not even at the 50th percentile for your age in weight.

This is so typical of what family members start drilling into kids' heads at a young age making them think bad things about their bodies or believing it. I am going to try to keep you from this sort of thing as much as I can. I had to grow up around it..I don't want you to. Right now you are totally aloof to anything like this anyway...so I am thankful for that. BUT CHUNKY? There is just no way! You have no fat on your body anywhere...you have low muscle tone so you are not extremely muscular...but most 7 year olds are not anyway. BUT no belly on ya...nothing like that. I don't get it.

Dear Noah:

Well...you have had a lot of fun the last couple of days. The neighbor kids came around last night and you played tag and hide-n-seek with them for about 45 minutes outside after visiting with them inside for awhile too. They are very nice kids....and they seemed to enjoy playing with you as much as you with them! I was thrilled...and it makes me wish we could stay living beside kids and parents like that all the time! THIS is what is nice about small town life.

THEN today my uncle Sonny came by with his grandson Wesley....he is about 6 months younger than you...and you two played together really well too! AGAIN I am thrilled. Sonny said he did not understand why I was hesitant about letting you play with other kids...cause you played really well with Wesley and the neighbor kids. I said cause there are time when you just don't even want another person LOOKING at you let alone being around you. BUT since moving back to Ohio you have become more of a social butterfly...which was my hopes for you! AND YOU ARE THRIVING!!!!!!!

You also have developed an attitude ...and it has been extremely difficult to get you to listen to me. TODAY was another day like that and it can be exhausting!

Your daddy is flying in for a visit with you for about 3 days....he arrives tomorrow night and will be here till early Wed. morning. I HOPE and pray that visit goes well and you stay safe and have a good time. You have already told daddy to NOT cry while you are in the hotel room...so I imagine that is about all he did the last time you were with him. I HOPE and pray he does not do it again this time round.

Today I worked....I painted some windows/cupboards in grandma's basement and put up some curtain rods to hang some curtains she had made. We did all our laundry AND sheets....remade the beds and swept and dusted upstairs. Got me a shower and you a bath! I feel like we accomplished a lot today!

Anyway...you are doing great. The county has contacted me back and I think we can get those feet of yours checked and fitted for new orthotics soon and set up respite care as well! WILL be nice to see if and how all that works out.

I need to go. I am getting sleepy....and still more to do before bedtime!

I love you Noah...forever I will.