Sunday, June 25, 2006

Pizza Night

Noah helped me make a pizza the other night. He loves to help make them but he still will NOT eat a homemade pizza. He had to have Dominos. are some pics

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Dear Noah:

I finally met with the new attorney yesterday to handle your daddy's and my divorce. I felt pretty bad about having to drag you I know you are now old enough to HEAR things and form your own conclusions about things. I was very reassured by this new attorney as he was very knowledgeable in the law and made me feel what I already know I should feel...RIGHT FOR doing what I have done....leaving your daddy...for all the reasons I did...for being concerned etc. still makes my heart sad as you love him so much. I keep thinking and hoping things would be for real between your father's feelings towards you and not something put on or fake. Hard to tell at this point.

I will be thankful to get all this overwith and behind me. I so want to get our lives in order again. I so wish so many things.

Dear Noah:

now I feel sad cause I told Noah how sweet he was and I asked him if he knew how sweet he was and he said "very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sweet!"

I asked how sweet I was...he said "very" ...ONE very.

I asked how sweet his father was...he said 19 verys.

I asked why I was only ONE and his father was 19. He said cause his father was "friendlier" with him and played with him. I only did 1 time he said.

This makes me feel like crap. I have done what I needed to do in my life for reasons we all know about....and now that I cannot work all the time at night while he sleeps as I just physically cannot handle it anymore living on only 3-4 hours of sleep at night....this cuts into our time doing things at home. I feel like I am not giving him the time he deserves and needs and he is apparently picking up on it. I feel like I work all the time and then have so much other crap to do all the time ...he is right. I probably do not have time for him as I don't have any for myself.

With all the crap over the past 6 months his school work here at home has suffered as it has had to be placed on a back burner. Same for most other things in our lives I guess. AND half the year is gone already and I wonder if I can ever get things under control enough that he will be happy and calm and at peace and feel loved and EVERYTHING a little 7-year-old boy should feel. I do not feel I am providing it. I have not even managed to unpack all our crap and put it away to make our house into a home.

So today I have to start making time to do things with him again whether I have the time or not. I have to make the time. I feel like such a crappy mother.

It is hard to keep a creative mind and savor and enjoy moments with Noah and just myself or anyone else when I have so much crap hanging over my head all the time.

Mommy does really love you Noah....even when I have to do other things. :X

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Dear Noah:

You are puzzling at times to me lately. You have done much better at expressing both yourself and your needs. You still have your moments but they are much more short lived and I am extremely thankful for that.

You sometimes try to describe how you feel and what you think. Many times when I ask you why you said something you will say "because it was just in my mind" or "cause it was in my stomach". I am thinking that perhaps when you say this it is because you are trying to find a way to describe what is actually going on inside of you. How you process things...and think. It is all extremely interesting and sometimes funny or cute and sometimes filled with love and sometimes a bit scary.
Like you told me the other day you typed in "killing men" into Googles search engine. When I asked you "WHY" you said your first response you did not know. I kept my prodding which really bothered you. Pretty soon you were covering your ears and rubbing them back and forth (a NEW behavior) and saying I was asking too many questions. I admit I was...but it bothered me tremendously that you would even come up with anything pertaining to killing to type into a search engine just to see what was there.

Then you said your "it was in my mind" and "It was in my stomach".....

you seem very curious about a lot of things. Some you truly do not seem to grasp or understand but when asked then you do. SO I am confused. I am trying to NOT get overly alarmed about much lately...and assume this is all part of your growing up.

Mommy loves you lots! :X

Dear Noah:

Noah and I went outside to plant our veggies and flowers and as the dusk turned to darkness we began to notice FIREFLIES! Now Noah has never seen them before so it was a real kick watching him check them out and get excited and then do as all children seem to want to do (including myself when I was little)...begin to chase them and try to catch them! These were brilliant too! AND not too miserably hot or muggy and not too many other bugs to make being outside unenjoyable.

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OUR VEGGIE GARDEN FOR THIS YEAR (tomatoes, onions, peppers and zucchini)
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We may plant some more things...we have plenty of places to do so. I also got a couple of cool suns to put outside I THINK....I really like them both so well I may keep them inside so I can see them more often. The thermometer I got is also cool:

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Course today I am stiff and sore on the backs of my legs and hips from being bent over for 2 hours planting things! hahahahah

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Dear Noah: had your cousin Audrey over this week since she and her mommy were on vacation! We all had fun. I did catch you trying to kiss Audrey and make out with her a few times...besides also checking up under her dress and her shorts! I have heard that is all pretty well normal.....but....

anyway.......we went to the Drive-In last see the movie Cars! This was your first time and you really had a good time! Course it was very late in getting home....and you were not in bed till 12:30 a.m.! SO you slept in till 9:45 a.m.!

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Anyway...we had a great time and today it is cooler and raining! Only 58 degrees today...which is my kind of weather!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Dear Noah: mommy is a bit concerned

I let you on my computer the other check out Lowes and furnaces and water heaters and houses and anything to do with building stuff and houses.

I only ran downstairs for a minute. I came back up and you had a site online that had a listing of all these porn sites and stuff. I checked the subject said something about "my peepee in your poopy".

I asked how you came across this and you would not tell me. Over and over again you would not tell me anything. You said "I don't know" a lot!

FINALLY you said you typed in the word "poopy" in Google's search bar. I asked why and you did not really know....other than to see what came up.

I understand kids can become curious about your age...I THINK anyway. BUT I found this odd.

So.........last night. We come back from the new house.....and the neighbor boy is outside. You want to go play "TAG" with him. I said okay while I was I proceeded to move things around in the truck...and you and the boy played tag. I went into the house for a second or two....with you both in my view with the outside light on....and then I heard him saying "come here for just a minute" and you squealing "NO, NO....." and "just a minute" or come here....weird stuff. I wondered what was going I opened the back door...and here you came walking up to the door with your PANTS DOWN past your underwear....trying to pull them up and zip/snap them!!!!!!!

I told you to come inside the house NOW! The neighbor boy took off fast! I asked you what you were doing outside with your pants down!???

You said "I don't know". This went on for at least 15 minutes or more...."I don't know".

FINALLY after I told you I would not get mad but just wanted to know what you were doing and WHY you said "we were looking at each other's penises and butts". I was stunned. I asked "penises and butts???" You said "yeah". I asked all the typical worried mother questions like " did he touch you?", "did you touch him?", "did he ask you to do this?", "did you ask him?", "WHY if you were playing tag would you want to check out each other's penises and butts?"

ON and on...finally you told me that this had happened before...a few always looked at each other's penises and butts. You "pretended to be peeing and pooping!" Outside. Grandma and I talked about this. Not sure WHEN it could have happened at all as I am always there with you or in for a brief few seconds only. SEE what can happen in only a brief few seconds???

FLASHBACK to you coming home from a weekend in a motel with your daddy when we were separated in Colorado. You were on the toilet peeing and complaining about daddy always having to "touch your penis every time he wiped your butt" after a bowel movement. You told me you told him to NOT do it and every time he did it anyway and you said you did not know. "I tell him to stop doing it and every time he still has to do it and I don't know why", with a very concerned look on your face...while you were sitting on the toilet. SO hearing this and knowing the former background of the man convicted of an attempted sexual offense on a minor...made me concerned to say the least!

SO NOW I am not sure if this is just purely child curiosity? Or has this kid put ideas into your head or you into your own? I don't let you watch things on tv that are sexually oriented at all! You have been a bit curious to say the least lately about boobies and butt you have always been infatuated with. I am now making sure to not be naked around you any obviously that is no longer appropriate. I just don't get not sure at all what to think. Am worried about you being with other kids for sure......knowing you have to be supervised and monitored all the time! I MEAN ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! Wondering what you might do...or worse...what someone else might try doing to you as they could obviously take advantage of you and your situation very quickly!

I have a migraine today. It is no wonder. I need to get you some help on social skills immediately!


We finally found a home to rent. And this one is a very nice remodeled ranch...with a huge fenced in backyard for you to play in! SO we have been busy getting things moved in there......and buying furniture..etc.

We will only be at grandma's house today and tomorrow. THEN in our new house full time!

You are excited....and I am too. We both love this house. You especially love it and I am thankful. We decided to stay in OHIO after all......and I am actually thankful now about that. I discovered too that your father was thinking if he got me back in Colorado....he and I would get back together.....and he had all these hopes..etc.....of things that will never be!

SO.......this is good for now. We may even eventually BUY this house we like it so much.