Friday, September 30, 2005

Dear Noah:

Not sure where this came from but you came up to me today and said you did NOT want to go to Ohio this year for Christmas but wanted to STAY HOME. We had not planned on going to Ohio for Christmas this year anyway but I wondered if daddy said something to you about it. You said no when I asked. I said well maybe we can go another time this year or for sure next year.

You suggested Thanksgiving. COULD be possible but.....that is one of the worst times of year for traveling we have heard. SO we will see. IF we were not afraid to fly we could take off anytime we really want now as Frontier Airlines flies nonstop direct to Dayton from Denver. AND CHEAP. school today. Too much other stuff to do that is still not getting done.

AND Mommy is a big down in the dumps today



Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Dear Noah:

I also forgot. Today in occupational therapy you fell off the one swing. Apparently you hurt your you started to reallycry very very hard. Your therapist grabbed you right away and was trying to hold you and comfort you but you started to yell "Help me!" , "Help Me!" over and over again. (this so reminded me of the BLOOD draw experience in the lab that time). You do not like being held down even to be comforted by someone you don't know well. You apparently were only trying to get over to MOMMY (yes ME) so I could KISS your knee. You finally got away from your therapist and ran to me...hobbling the entire way. You wanted me to kiss your knee.

I held you and kissed it but also told you it was okay for Miss Leah to help comfort you if you hurt yourself and if you did not have anyone around one day when you hurt yourself to KISS YOURSELF and make yourself feel better. I have seen you do that a few times since I have told you to try it. SO I kissed your knee and Miss Leah kissed it though you acted like you did not want her to and then you seemed to calm down and were fine again. Back on the swing you went.

And round and round and round you went.

Dear Noah:

Well you did pretty well in occupational therapy. Even the therapist noticed you were "wound tight" as I say. SO she let you go to the big gym and exercise sooner than you normally would have. You had a more trying day in the small room as you just needed to move. She even said on days like this is was just best to take you somewhere safe (like there) and let you go at it and make all the sounds you wanted and MOVE as much as you wanted.

We stopped at K-mart on the way home to get some towels and of course you needed to go to Wendy's for lunch. Back home now. Hopefully we can do some schoolwork today.

Love you!


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Dear Noah:

Well we started VIRTUES in homeschool. Trying to teach you something a bit abstract may be difficult however. Not completely sure yet. We are starting on KINDNESS and SHARING.

Anyway, you had speech therapy today. I explained even before we left that you would have to "share" any toys in the waiting room with other kids that MIGHT come in. Or take turns. To be kind. To be careful around little kids.

Most times you do well. In the speech therapist's office and waiting area however you are a bit possessive. You don't want to share her with other people and you don't like sharing the beads with other kids. You want to play with the bead toys all by yourself.

SO you came out today after your speech therapy and saw other kids playing with "your beads". I have explained over and over that they are not just YOUR beads. However, you don't quite understand that. SO you go over and sit down and play WITH the other 2 little boys. All appears well. Till one takes a side of the beads you like to play with the best and turns the wheel and makes loud sounds. You then grabbed the beaded toy thing and swung it around to you so YOU and only you could do the same thing. The other 2 kids just looked at you in shock I think. AND then we tried to tell you to NOT be that way. Your father instead of using words always tries to "grab" you and pull you away from the problem....which I have told him over and over and over NEVER WORKS FOR YOU. I used to tell the teachers that all the time too. Never to GRAB you or try to pull you away from anything or any problem. Instead if you talk or even raise your voice and just POINT to a time out chair or spot you respond better.

So there was your daddy trying to PULL you by your arm out of the chair while the mother and 2 kids watched. You started having a fit. (I was busy talking to the speech therapist). FINALLY all I had to do was LOOK at you and tell you to get over to the chair for a time out and NOW! and you did it. No crying. No anything. You listen to me. You don't for your father. Not all the time anyway. AND it is because he is always trying to 1) LITERALLY PULL OR PUSH YOU to do what he wants, 2) or GIVING YOU THREATS he never keeps and 3) NEVER GIVING YOU A BETTER OPTION or choice to use in place of the bad behavior.

When you are having bad behavior, I always do NOT try grabbing you or pulling you. I talk to you and many times I DO have to raise my voice. NOT yell...just use a stern voice. You will close your ears to anyone who is yelling. I then never give you a threat and not keep it. IF I say to you that you will NOT get to do something if you don't listen I KEEP my word. However, I do not threaten you like that if I can avoid it. AND I ALWAYS direct you to a better option and substitute behavior for any bad behavior you have. I understand when you are stressed and overloaded and I avoid pushing you over the edge. I work around it. I can break things down into smaller more manageable portions for you to handle.

Maybe that is why we seem to get along so well together. I understand you. Your father still deals with the constant not understanding why you can't be just like every other kid when you are told to NOT do something. He still doesn't get that you cannot PULL you or GRAB you or be physical like that. AND that does not teach you anything anyway. HITTING you in any form even spanking would only teach you that you hit when you get mad. NOT a good thing to teach you. You have not been spanked often in your 6 1/2 years. Maybe twice? AND it was short and sweet and nothing dramatic or drawn out.

Most times now you do well but when you slip up you are starting to realize you goofed up and will come over and apologize right away. THAT is a GOOD thing to start to understand you are doing something or have done something inappropriate or wrong.

SO this entire rest of the day has been spent with you literally pulling hair out of your head. Making ALL KINDS OF SOUNDS and noises. We had school but you had a very hard time. We also played games in the bedroom and you calmed down more after that.

I know I sound LOUD many times. I don't like to sound loud. Sometimes I feel I have to talk LOUDLY as no one around me seems to be listening. Your daddy many times just does not listen to me. Says he does but he doesn't. This is extremely frustrating for your mommy! You listen but many times you just don't "get" what I am talking about. SO I guess I go around probably talking loud as I feel everyone around me listens to me! BUT I am changing. I am trying to talk quieter and softer and easier so everyone will have to listen better to hear me! Seems to be working better. I have a long way to go.

Here's to a great night of sleep as it is to cool off a lot tonight and be like fall for sure! We have NOT slept well the last couple of nights so maybe tonight we will both do better.

I love you!


Sunday, September 25, 2005

Dear Noah: ended up "changing your mind" about going out to lunch on Friday which is great. We all went there and then stopped at Big Lots afterwards to see if they had anything new.

Back home then. Never did do any school on Friday as you were completely overloaded by the time we got back from lunch. Leighann did stay and visit for a bit which is great! You did not want her to go. I can only imagine what she thought of our messy house with all the boxes sitting around everywhere. Mommy really must get it together and soon! Especially while I am off work!

We went to Grandpa Leonard's house on Saturday to watch old 8 mm movies. You had a blast watching movies and playing with all the toys they have for kids as his wife watches kids during the daytime. You cried when it came time to leave and you did not want to go home. You wanted to "stay a little longer".

We actually made it to church again today. You have been doing great. Sitting very well and quietly during church time. You do well until about the last 5 minutes...then you have a bit of trouble. BUT you make it!

Tonight you have been sneezing and coughing a lot. I just gave you some Benadryl. That should help you sleep some but can make you a little grumpy the day after you don't get it anymore. I think it is allergies or sinus and NOT a cold. My sinuses have been bothering me too since we watched all those old movies at grandpa's house. Maybe too much dust!

YOU wanted to go BACK to grandpa Leonard's house again tonight. I think you would love to go all the time. It is a nice visit when we go. AND he has plenty of toys for you to check out and explore. I wonder when and as you get older if you will still enjoy doing any of these things or if you will be bored? Once your taste for kid toys grows thin I mean. I guess time will tell. I can only pray you will still always enjoy visiting family and friends and doing things and not withdraw.

You are my angel boy
Sent from God above
For Mommy and Daddy to love

I will love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever!


Friday, September 23, 2005

Dear Noah:

Well you made a great batch of crockpot applesauce with Daddy yesterday. SO YUMMY!

Today we have a chance to go to lunch with your step-sister but you already informed me last night you did not want to go. This is an ongoing dilemma. You "think" you want to go places and do things and be around other people....and then "most times" when we make arrangements for that you end up saying you don't want to go. You don't want to be around other people. You are even willing to pass up eating out at a restaurant, which used to be a favorite pasttime of yours.

Which brought me back to thinking about you being around other kids. You so desire it and yet when you are placed in that situation, you can't always handle it. So with you it is different than just a parent worrying their child may not have a best friend or a friend at all. At least those parents' kids are probably being exposed to many other children every day! You aren't. AND when you have been exposed to groups of other kids like in a classroom or park or even the library...if there are too many kids there you just can't handle it. You think you can and sometimes you can. But many times you can't. I don't really worry about you having a best friend right now. I just think sometimes it would be nice if you could be around more kids yuor own age to just have that exposure. This is where we are always torn apart. We want that for you but also know you can't always handle it. Finding the right mix is tough. It truly is not as simple as you just going to a regular public school like other kids and being around other kids all day long. There are just so many variables that affect this for you. Your sensory issues are one of the biggest and combine that with your generalized anxiety and makes it extremely difficult for you to tolerate certain social settings at all.

I have talked to many autistic adults and they have all said the same thing. Exposing you to more social situations does not make you more social. I believe this. The only thing it could possibly do eventually is allow you to find a way to learn to COPE with the social situation you are in when you are in one.

AND at 6 1/2 years of age they have all told me you just don't have those coping skills yet. That is why you are trying to avoid things you know now will set you off. It makes perfect sense to me. BUT bring us right back to where we started.

AND I also got to thinking. I am doing this online diary for you....but I am not printing out my pages as I go. If something were to happen to this diary and blog I will have lost all record of all these important things you have said and important events in your life over time. I need to find a way to print off a copy or save a copy somewhere! AND I should start copying my daily logs into a WORD file and save them I guess.

I love you...time for breakfast!


Thursday, September 22, 2005

Dear Noah

You break my heart. You had a great time at occupational therapy but were extremely emotional many times later that day. I have decided to really push you as far as wiping your bottom after bowel movements. This is something I HAVE to do as your mommy or I will still be wiping your butt at age 40! As a matter of often tell me you won't be ready to wipe your own butt till age 40! I tell you that you will be a lot younger than that when you start wiping your own bottom!

SO...I pushed you over the edge last night. You have not quite made it into the bathroom a few times actual bowel movement in your underwear BUT a big stain to say the least. Usually with some residue on it that I have to clean up. We even made a sign about this to help you remember that you need to stop whatever you are doing and take time to make time to get to the bathroom on time! However, if you are not right in front of that sign you don't always remember to go to the bathroom. Hard for us out here to imagine not remembering to go to the bathroom when you need to...but...that is you!

SO had another mess last night. You now warn me by saying "Mommy now don't yell at me...but I forgot my sign again!". SO last night I told you that you had to start wiping your own bottom at least ONE time before I would come in and wipe you at all. This upset you so much as you had a mess all over your bottom and you did not want to get your hands possibly messy. I explained to you that IF your hands got messy you could WASH them right after you got off the toilet. I KNOW these are all sensory issues for you but you have to learn to work through them. You cannot just be told to do something like this and then do it like other kids. I understand that. Telling you that you could wash your hands right away however did not pacify you much. I finally had to raise my voice and tell you that you would have to sit on the toilet until you wiped at least ONE time from now on. I told you once you wiped one time to call me and let me know and I would finish helping you clean up. This took forever. I felt so bad but I could not give in. I had to try to work you through this.

I then proceeded to tell you that Jesus I was sure wiped his own bottom by age 6 and that he did not have his mommy or daddy wipe his bottom after having a bowel movement. (you are infatuated with Jesus so I used him for an example). You seemed genuinely interested in hearing this but kept telling me you couldn't do it and that you were too messy...etc. You asked me to bring you your CALM DOWN book so you could calm down. You asked that I hold you out in the room to make you feel HAPPY again and to help you calm down. I told you that you had to wipe your bottom first. I brought you your CALM DOWN book and your worked through it. You took deep breaths and calmed down. You wiped your eyes. You have NO idea how hard this is for mommmy....having to stand there and be so firm and watch you cry and get this upset and I can't really do anything to help you!

I was adamant. You FINALLY wiped while I was in there talking to you and trying to get you to calm down. I do hope and pray our neighbors can't hear us! You were all red faced and bawling your eyes out but FINALLY wiped. I praised you to no end...and helped clean you up. AND then sent you on a find and seek mission.

With all that finally over you wanted me to hold you. SO off to the sofa we went and I held you. Which brought on another entirely different episode of crying. You said you were sad about the bathroom incident over and over and over. I finally told you that you needed to get over it as that was all part of life. That if you wanted to grow up and be a man someday you needed to learn all kinds of things that you could do yourself one day. Wiping your bottom was part of it. You said you would have a baby by the time you were 40. I asked you "well who do you think will wipe that baby's bottom?" You said you did not know. I told you "YOU will be the one wiping that baby's bottom if they make a mess so you need to learn how to do it NOW!" I also informed you that one day when your baby was 4, 5, 6 or whatever age that you would be doing the same thing I was and that was teaching them how to wipe their own bottom.

You then proceeded to tell me that you wanted to wear clothes like daddy does. I said that would be great as daddy always dresses nice and has nice clothes. You then told me that you wanted and NEEDED a job to go to. I said you had plenty of time to worry about working somewhere but that you could one day. I asked you what you wanted to do when you grew up. You did not know. Then you said maybe one day you would be a teacher.

WHICH OF COURSE stirred up another pot altogether. You then go on and on about needing friends or returning to a regular school. I explained to you that if you were in first grade in a public school that it means staying there ALL DAY. It means you have to be able to wipe your own bottom when you have a bowel movement. It means staying for 6-7 hours. It means so many things that you just cannot do or handle yet. It means you cannot always go to the bathroom when you want to (which for you is excessive). It means eating foods you don't eat or packing a lunch that would not be much of a lunch as you are too picky about certain foods. You said you needed more kids then here at your home school. I understand this but also reminded you of how you sometimes act around other kids. How you sometimes don't want to share anyone with them or share things with them or cannot handle too much around you. At other times you do great. It is learning to be consistent!

You then told me how one day Miss Samantha (your former para)forgot you were in the bathroom and left you and went on to the classroom and you were all you flushed all the toilets in the bathroom. You cried and cried. I told you that was another reason you were being homeschooled. As the teacher helpers and your aides did not always watch you like mommy and daddy do. (this was a time when Noah was in public kindergarten and apparently one day he came up missing. Of course Noah was the one who got into trouble for this incident and was accused of not following the group, etc...when it was his paraprofessional's responsibility to make sure he got to his class...etc.). Apparently this extremely upset you and I know it did me when we finally found out about it later that day when we picked you up from school. This of course was only the firsts of you trying to run away from the classroom or schoolgrounds completely and another reason why we decided to homeschool you.

I said one day maybe you could handle going to a regular school. BUT for now it was best you be homeschooled. I asked if you liked going to school here at home and you said yes. I told you that we could have a more flexible schedule. You could go to the bathroom whenever you wanted. You could stand up and do your schoolwork if needed. You could make sounds while doing your homework. You could take a break and do something physical the entire time we do school whenever needed. We could do more field trips. We could learn more in a few hours than you other kids did in an entire day.

I know the thing missing is "other kids". This breaks my heart. Cause I know you so desperately need interaction with other kids...but at the same time you just cannot always handle it. I often wonder "isn't there like a part-time school for kids like you out there?" A place kids can go and take a few classes together or do something together just to be together and experience that? I guess that is where your social skills classes will come in handy. I need to push that issue next week with your occupational therapist and ask about it again. I know you do well around your cousins Alex and Audrey. If we lived closer to them I would let you go and play with them more often...especially Audrey as you two seem to get along so well together and enjoy playing together. Maybe that would change over time though as she is a girl. I don't know. BUT you could be around more people for sure than you are out here. That is the only big downside to living here in Colorado. We have no family we really do anything with.

So you cried and cried. I felt so bad. My heart was being ripped in two. AND yet I know if we plopped you into another regular classroom, how it would more likely end up being handled. It is not fair for you to put you through that again. Not yet. Maybe when you are more ready one day. While the public school was supposed to allow you special things to make it easier for you to handle the classroom that never really ever happened. They isolated you, which is worse than what you experience even now. They did not allow you time to stand and do work or go to the bathroom if needed or to take breaks. They were truly trying to conform you to the rest of the GENERAL POPULATION of kids.

Personally I like you just as you are and don't want you to be just like everybody else. Trying to find that perfect mix of just enough social interaction and not too much is extremely difficult right now.

SO I am going to see about setting up some playdates at the park with another woman and her autistic son and see how that goes. I think you need a friend right now and not a mommy friend. You need another kid to play with! Someone more your age.

You did do well playing with another little girl at Burger King's play area the other day. I know you can do it. Maybe we will try some story times at the library too or the book store and see how that goes. There was a time when you would never have been able to sit and listen to a story. I think you could do it now...or at least we would find out if you could. I have often wondered how you would do for half days in school. But the biggest issue with even that is the fact that the teachers (even paras) are not allowed to help you wipe your bottom if needed. AND you are mortified about the possibility of having to wear pull ups or something again!

No wonder you are pulling your hair out again. Just being around you I can sense the anxiety and stress. I feel it! My heart cries out for you Noah but I have to be your mommy and do what is best for you no matter if you don't always understand it. SO for now...we will continue on. I will try to get you involved in other things and see about some classes in a school even part time or something if I can. SOMETHING. I think piano lessons would be good for you too. Don't worry. We will work it all out. Well...GOD will help us work it all out. I know you believe this and so do I.

I will love you forever my little man!


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Occupational Therapy Day

Today Noah goes to occupational therapy. He LOVES it so much. He always has a great time. Last week they worked on using scissors and writing on board on the wall and tying shoelaces and playing board games on a table (to help with his fine motor skills and to help build upper arm strength and hand strength). Then he gets to go into a huge room where he can climb walls and ropes and swing from trapezes and huge tire swings and bounce on balls and climb through tunnels and he just has a blast. He is already excited about going today and can't wait till he gets in the BIG ROOM!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Dear Noah:

Well you had speech therapy today. I know you went to bed WAY TOO LATE last night...but you still got 9 hours of sleep. However, you do better with 10 hours! I was a little anxious about how you would do today as sometimes you are more easily upset and overloaded on days when you are a bit tired. BUT then again that is NOT always the case as there are times you do very very well when a bit tired and sit well and listen well. As usual, there is no rhyme or reasoning to WHEN you will do what you end up doing!

So....for a few days to weeks now you have been a bit more anxious about things in general and more easily upset and you have had a bit of an attitude! Needless to say you have once again started to twirl, twist and pull your hair to the point where it is yanked out. You are well on your way to once again looking like a little monk with no hair on top but all this hair on the sides and back. The hair that is left on the one side is all broken off from you pulling it all the time. We have gently encouraged you to use the twirlys again instead of your hair...which is basically anything that is like a rubber band but easier to twirl and stretch and pull and twist. Rubber banded-type headbands work very well for this. AND a few stuffed toys have a rubber banded type handle on the one ends that you also use. BUT it has been CONSTANT reminding and encouraging. I am hopeful and prayerful that you will soon stop or get it under control enough that you won't end up pulling all the hair out on top of your head like you did before. I wonder if others that see that think WE are the ones pulling your hair out? I guess once they see you sitting around for awhile they would soon see for themselves it is YOU pulling it and twirling it actually OUT of your head!

So we got to speech therapy. You started out upset as another little boy was in there and I mean LITTLE, not even walking yet....who was playing with the beads in the waiting area. I reminded you he was a lot smaller and they were EVERYONE's beads and not your own. BUT you were upset. The baby went back to his mother and you grabbed your beads and put them on a table to play with by yourself. Whenever the little boy came too close you got alarmed however and I was so afraid you would knock him down or throw the entire beads at him to get him away. I think the mother sensed this too as she made sure to keep her baby away so you could play.

BUT when the speech therapist came out and you saw her you waved and wanted her attention right away...but she was busy talking to the other boy's mother and that upset you. But what upset you even more was the fact that the little baby came back over while I was talking to you and sat in the chair you had been in and was now playing once again with the beads. You had a holy fit. Jumped up and down about 10 times and yelled. Not a complete meltdown or temper tantrum but! I went over and explained to you again how that was NOT acceptable behavior and not the way you ever acted but especially in public places and around smaller kids and that you had to SHARE the beads and therapist with others! You did not like it but calmed down. Then you proceeded to tell me that by the time the therapist was ready for you it would be AFTER YOUR lunch time. AND you cried and cried. I got you calmed down in seconds thankfully and made you realize it was not even time to START your therapy yet let alone have it be over or past time.

However, once in the room with the therapist you did extremely well. You sat well and listened well. You do extremely well one-on-one. We then took you to Burger King afterwards to a new one....and they had a small play area. You ate and played and another little girl came in and played with you and again you did very well.

We came home and I knew you were already overloaded because you looked pale, you were very withdrawn in the car and looked like we had drugged you and you kept putting your head down as far as you could get it below your knees even while sitting in your car seat. I have seen this same stance from you when we are in a store shopping and you get overloaded. You end up standing on the end of the shopping cart and put your head literally down INSIDE the cart as far as it will go never bringing it back up again till we leave the store! I guess in a way that acts as blinders to what is going on in your environment and helps to stop any additional overload from coming into your system.

I then gave you a break and let you have some alone time and time to do whatever you wanted. Then we did homeschool. We worked on nouns and proper nouns and adjectives and contractions and compound words and punctuation. I want to teach you to start WRITING sentences soon so we need to teach you all the parts of the sentences and words first.

We worked on our study of Egypt and the Pharoah and hieroglyphics. I don't think I spelled that right. Shows how much mommy knows! We worked on graphs which you love!

We worked on a new song and made a book about apples. You even drew some things and worked on writing them out. We have been doing a lot of verbal math. It amazes me how well you do in math. I mean you can already add 1, 2, 3, 4 digit numbers as well as subtract. We were in the dollar store yesterday and you quickly surmised that 3, 60-minute tapes added up to 180 minutes. Amazing! You can tell me quickly what 4500 minus 10 is and things like that. You can add 2 digit numbers. Even 3 and 2 digit numbers together. ALL IN YOUR HEAD. On paper you sometimes have a harder time which makes no sense to me...but I guess that is how your brain is wired!

We will review LIVING and NON-LIVING things tomorrow as you still don't quite grasp that concept completely. We will then start on the Earth and study rocks and 3 elements of matter and planets. And then the weather again. In the spring we will once again review plants, seeds, and animal cycles of life. And then we will again go over the human body.

We are working on projects with apples for the next week or so. We will then switch over to PUMPKINs and do things for fall in October and again in November. We will begin American History in November by studying the Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock. I thought that would be a great way to start it. We will continue on in geography. You already know the continents and oceans. You know most of the state capitals. We will learn more about our state Colorado this year.

You already know your coins and values and how to count out money to BUY things but we will continue on with that. We will also learn different forms of measurements using measuring cups, scales and measuring spoons as well work more using the ruler and tape measure. You will learn to cook some simple things that do not require using a hot stove or oven. Daddy and you will be making some crockpot applesauce this week one day.

We will be taking a field trip to the Butterfly Pavilion and the zoo or Natural Museum of History. We may take a long day and go to a different zoo completely. We will also go out hunting for leaves and make a leaf book and rocks and make a rock display. I also want to make some dioramas this year with you.

As you can see we are just as excited about homeschooling as you if not more and so look forward to it!

So...tomorrow is occupational therapy. Hopefully you will do very well but I already know you will as you absolutely LOVE that time. Today I did have you working with scissors and you did hold them correctly and cut better. All in all you are doing great. I will work with shoelace tying again tonight to review before tomorrow.

There you have it. Busy busy bee you are.

I love you!


So tomorrow is occupational therapy.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Dear Noah:

Well yesterday was a bit hectic and I got mad a few times. You asked WHY I was yelling and getting mad. I said cause no one around here listens to me or what I say. SO....when I was upset the final time you came out in the room and brought me your "CALM DOWN" book and went through the pages and showed me "when I feel MEAN", "I count to 5 slowly" and "take 5 deep breaths" and "then I am ready to ....". SO sweet...haha. You have actually learned the process of what to do to calm down and were willing to SHARE it with mommy to see if it would help her calm down.

I thanked you AFTER going through the book and calming down. You then walked by daddy and said real soft and slowly "daddy, you need to really try to listen to mommy!"

And off you were into your room again.

Out of the mouths of babes!

I love you


Saturday, September 17, 2005

Dear Noah:

You just came running out with a piece of bacon in your hand saying something was in your eye and you could not see. You were crying like crazy....and I tried to look...and it looked at first like many eyelashes were stuck down in your eye....but then you said you had bacon in your eye...and when I looked again it did look like a big chunk of bacon. I could not figure this out as if it were a piece of hard bacon you would think that it would fall off a round eye!

Trying to calm you down enough to even look in your eye was just too much. You weren't going to do it. Finally I told you to open your eye even if it I could see or we could get whatever was in it OUT! You started opening your eye. AND after all this and me thinking "what would we ever do Heaven forbid if he needed emergent medical attention for something" you said you were okay and whatever was wrong was better!

Whew. Brother. I sat you down and looked all around in your eye. Worried now that there may be a piece of bacon that somehow floated around to the back of your eye and would cause problems later after it got infected. But then when I went back into your room and asked you what you had been doing before your eye hurt you said you were rubbing it. NOT eating the bacon yet. should indeed just be an eyelash episode!

Scared me to death.

Love you!


Thursday, September 15, 2005

Dear Noah:

You are so special. Tonight you wanted to read more Bible stories after I told you we found a show on the Discovery Channel about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Little did I know it would lead to a huge dramatic episode later.

You started out by coming out and telling your daddy only that you needed a new baby brother so you could call him Jesus. You needed a baby Jesus. AND I guess you heard me and daddy talking about how we did not think Jesus and Napoletano sounded very good together as names cause you were in the bedroom talking on and on about something. I could hear "daddy is ready and mommy is ready" and something about "not Jesus Napoletano but Jesus Christ" and something about "Roman soldiers" and "king". I finally walked into the bedroom and you came running up to me and said "we don't need a Jesus Napoletano mommy we need Jesus Christ the Lord". "We need a Mommy Christ, a daddy Christ and a Noah Christ" and I said "yes we should all be as Christ-like as possible all the time shouldn't we?" and you said "yes".

I told you there was already a Jesus Christ the Lord. You then proceeded to start crying and asking why He would not come into our home and living room. I told you He was in our home and living room and all around you all the time but you just could not always see him. You really got to crying about that and wanted to know "WHY??" "Why can't Jesus come to my home?", "I want to see Jesus". "I am ready to go to Heaven now but I don't have any wings!" (tears were huge and you were almost out of control crying by now).

I proceeded to tell you that you did not need wings when you go to Heaven and your abruptly cut me off and said "but I have to have wings if I go from here or how else would I get there?" I told you that you don't go to Heaven till you die. (more crying now big time). I told you that only your physical body would die but your spirit would live forever and that it could fly all on its own and that it did not need wings to fly to Heaven. I told you that your spirit was what was inside you and made you "you" and once your body died your spirit would fly out of it up into Heaven.

You proceeded to tell me "but I am ready to go to Heaven now and I can't get there without wings and if I only go when I die I have to be an old man before that happens and I will be all alone cause you and daddy will already be dead and no one will be around to take care of me and my heart will bleed and I will die!" You were so worked up at this point it was extremely difficult to calm you down.

You asked how old we would be before we might die. I told you most people live to be into their 70s, 80s or older! You said but Abraham was almost 100 years old in the Bible before they had a baby. I told you that people lived to be very very old back in Bible days...some to 900 years old or more and that most people in the world now did not live that long but they lived longer now than many years ago and some adults then died in their 30s or 40s! I told you that if something ever happened to mommy and daddy by the time we were very old and you were older maybe you would already be married and have kids of your own and then you would not be alone. You asked "maybe when I am in my 40s?" I told you yes and that I was 40 years old before I even had you as a baby.

You talked about the fact that Joshua was only 7 years old when he became a King. You told me you were almost 7 and that you wanted to be a King. I told you that the United States did not have Kings but only presidents though a few countries in the world did still have Kings.

You worried about getting old and your "heart bleeding" and you dying. I said well we never know for sure when we will die or how. BUT that when that time came you would feel a sense of peace about it and you would not worry about it. We can pray we will die in our sleep one day when it is time. BUT I told you that we would all LIVE FOREVER! That only our bodies might die one day but our spirits would live forever and ever! AND that you were never alone, and that God was with you always. You could talk to Him anytime. Ask Him questions anytime. Pray to Him anytime. I told you that we would be with you forever. That God and people you love are with you forever in your heart! That we would always be with you and helping you whether our bodies were here or not.

By this time you were starting to calm down some. The sobs had stopped and we blew your nose. I asked you if you had ever seen Jesus before. You said in our apartment you used to see Him but that you have never been able to see him here in our condo. I then told you that sometimes when we are still very little we can still see Jesus and angels around us but as we get older we then lose that ability. BUT it did not mean they were not there....only we could no longer see them.

Finally you were calm. Wanted us all to climb in bed and lay there and read Bible stories. I then came out to the dining room and found some books on Jesus with lots and lots of pictures. You then told me to "go away now" as you wanted to relish the books and savor the moment. You are like a sponge soaking it all up and you sat there with a HUGE smile on your face!

I have never been around another child like this before. I have never known another one to be so obssessed about Jesus and anything connected to the Bible. I do know that obssessions can be part of autism and things that interest autistic people can become obssessive-like in nature. SO maybe that is part of it. But you just seem to have an insight into so many things religious based it is amazing and a bit unnerving sometimes!

I love you very very much my most wonderful little man!


Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dear Noah:

You did great in speech therapy and occupational therapy this week. You seem to really enjoy both a lot!! Today you got to do a lot of fun things in occupational therapy. Some floor work first where you have to sit and work on things for your hands and upper arms. THEN you got to go to the big playroom. I took a video clip of you in there but they keep the lights turned down low to counteract you getting so worked you won't get too overstimulated. They do this for all their kids. SO it was really too dark to see the clip well. BUT you had a great time. Climbing up on a wooden rung ladder rope thing, jumping on a trampoline and off a giant ball and going through tunnels and crashing on the floor. MANY things and you enjoyed them all! I hope we can get more than just the 12 initial visits!

Otherwise you were super tired last night. You were ready for bed before 7:30 p.m. I am not sure why...but I did manage to get you to stay up till 9:00 -9:30 p.m. You fell asleep immediately. We prayed and I have been saying my prayers also out loud now and you really enjoy hearing them. When we came home from therapy today you asked if today I was going to say some prayers this afternoon. I said is always a good time to pray! SO you came out a little bit ago wanting to hear a prayer and I prayed one with you. You really enjoyed it and went running back down the hall to your room all smiles!

I love you my little man. I think today we may skip school or only review as you I am sure are overloaded!


Sunday, September 11, 2005

Posing with the elephant again Posted by Picasa

Posing with the animals! Posted by Picasa

Noah posing with sculptures at the Sculpture Show in Loveland, Colorado - August 2005 Posted by Picasa

Noah goofing around on a slide at the park Posted by Picasa

Dear Noah:

We made it to church today. They did a special service to honor our local firefighters and policemen, though for some reason the actual officers did not come into the sanctuary...only stayed outside. Except for the colors....there were 4 firemen who came in and brought in the flags for that.

Otherwise you did exceptional again. We walked inside and saw Pastor Stan. He said hello and you showed him your Bible. He asked if you had a favorite chapter and you immediately found the story of the crucifixion of Christ. You are so interested in all Jesus stories and the Bible, etc. It is amazing how much you already know!

You are in the bedroom reading Bible stories now and want me to come in and read more to you. SO I will. Daddy is in there right now. You have been bustling around the house singing "blessed be the name of the Lord!" over and over. So sweet.

BUT you did super at church. Stayed in your seat. No moving around. You looked at your Bible the entire time. When the pastor talked about Noah's ark you turned in your Bible to that story.

Next week you have school along with speech therapy and occupational therapy. Should be a busy week. AND I think Daddy is going to take off work a few days.



Thursday, September 08, 2005

Dear Noah

You have been infatuated with Jesus and His dying on the cross. You even made a roller coaster today. You were SO excited about it. Called us in to "come see, come see" and you said "SURPRISE!!!" all excited.

Here you had made a roller coaster, designed it all...and then named it from a book from your Children's Bible "Jesus Dies On the Cross". I mean you were SUPER EXCITED! It was a pretty amazing coaster too. I had you save it. I am not exactly sure WHY you named it said something about the fact that there were TWO coasters and I guess you relate that to the two boards used on the cross. BUT I think you were also excited that you had TYPED ALL THE WORDS on the name CORRECTALY all by yourself! When talking about what they would do with all the dead people from the hurricane you asked if any would maybe be put in "tombs". You are also infatuated with tombs (because of Jesus' story and Him being in a tomb).

You then proceeded to play roller coaster. By this I mean of course YOU WERE THE roller coaster. Doing all the turns, twists and hills that your body would possibly allow! ALL the while filming it. The videocamera rarely leaves your hands these days. At the end of a day you have probably put in more time than someone producing a film! The videocamera is always warm from your hot little hands being wrapped tightly around it all day long. Of course I have made the bathroom off limits since you were trying to record yourself peeing!

We decided to skip school full time today. We reviewed a few things and then decided to let the rest go. It will be there again tomorrow. It is nice to take breaks.

I also have noticed...whenever we are around "power lines" just seem to INTUITIVELY KNOW where they are in the areas around us. We will be driving somewhere and you will suddenly say "oh there is a big power line coming up with 3 smaller ones" and sure enough, there will be 1 large one and then 3 smaller ones. I asked you if you "felt" differently around power lines. If you could FEEL something when you came close to them. You said yes and grinned and then made a buzzing type sound. SO maybe you can actually HEAR things we can't? I don't know...but it is amazing you just KNOW where these power lines are at!



Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Dear Noah:

Well you are too sweet for words. You had speech therapy for the first time today at the new place. You really seemed to enjoy it. We are working on articulation. Starting with "f".

We then did home schooling this afternoon. Had a lot of fun and you did very very well. You are soaking things up like a sponge. We were checking the human body today and progression from baby to toddler, child, teenager, young adult, middle age and old. I asked you which one was Mommy. You pointed to the "teenager" BLESS YOUR HEART! I said "are you sure?" You then started laughing and pointed to the "middle age" person. I asked you why you thought that would be me....and you said "because that is closer to being old!!!!".

Out of the mouths of babes!

Labor Day Rest 2005 Posted by Picasa

Noah AFTER sweeping...a bit WOUND UP!!

Noah learning to sweep-check out his hearing protection!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Noah at Pool

You are becoming my "little man" now! Posted by Picasa

More Fun In the Sun Posted by Picasa

You really enjoyed POOL DAY! Posted by Picasa

Daddy and You at the Pool-August 2005 Posted by Picasa

Noah at the Loveland Colorado Annual Sculpture Show August 2005 Posted by Picasa

Dear Noah that I am off work it is so much more obvious how much additional cares you really need! Not that I did not know beforehand. I certainly did.

While your father is getting better with handling you....he still can set you off so easily. I can see how this kind of stress wears any family and relationship thin. I am NOT blaming you or the problems you have. BUT I do realize we either all have to pull together in this or we will hopelessly fall apart. We can become stronger through all this and understand each other better but it takes a tremendous amount of energy and input, which in turn is exhausting and makes our spirits a bit sad and frustrated at times. MOST of the time I guess.

You are making tremendous progress in many areas. You had so much fun at occupational therapy the other day and your therapist was FANTASTIC! ALL you have talked about is "WHEN" you will get to go back. I am SO thankful the therapy is something you enjoy and I WISH there were some way we could sell this condo so we could buy a bigger house in order to make a room of your very own like that therapy room, but in your own home! YOU NEED a room like that. I think any kid would like a room like that. BUT YOU NEED IT! You literally seek so much physical input from your surroundings and environment. It is exhausting and overwhelming to just be exposed to it from our viewpoint. Daddy cannot always handle it and is constantly telling you to STOP running up and down the hall, or body slamming on the sofa or bed or into a wall, while I have mastered the ability to finally "tune it out". I imagine we are an odd site from the outside looking in. If someone were to drive by or look down on us from above they would see a WILD CHILD at least for portions of the day with a MOMMY who is SITTING there allowing you to be that way. While Daddy thinks you need to be taught how to NOT do this....I FULLY understand that you currently physically and physiologically NEED to do those things just to GET BY in our world. SO I let you be. I let you bounce happily on the sofa, though I will set a time limit or give you a number of times you can do it. I will let you run up and down the hallway. BUT again with a time limit. I even let you body slam things but again within reason.

The sounds again have been incredible. I DO hope and pray you are not picking up on any of MY stress revolving around my job being phased out, etc. I am so overwhelmed lately with everything in my life and the WORLD around me I am sure I am a mess of nerves. I certainly don't want you to EVER suffer because of my quirkiness! BUT you have been NEEDING to make incredible vocalizations lately and sounds. Almost constant again. Sometimes deafening. You have also restarted twirling your hair with your hands till you get such big knots I have to cut them out. SO again we are encouraging you to use rubber banded things to twirl instead.

AND you have become obssessed with gas prices again. Of course right now everyone seems to be obssessed with the gas prices because of hurricane Katrina and all that mess and lack of gas, etc. BUT those were the final words out of your mouth last night before going to bed. You suddenly sat up and said "Mommy, you need to go get gas in the morning before it goes up 20 cents or more", "cause by Monday it could be up over 3.00 or 6.00 per gallon!" ALL said so full of animation too. THEN you suddenly laid back down and as if from sheer exhaustion yourself you promptly finally fell asleep.

My time, the few free moments of time I have only exist when you are asleep. I am not complaining. BUT this also means little time for me to actually sleep, or take proper care of myself or things around the house.

BUT...I WOULD NEVER trade you for the world! I LOVE you so very very much Noah my little angel boy....JUST AS YOU ARE!!!!!!!