Monday, July 31, 2006

Dear Noah:

hey buddie. has been awhile since I posted anything in here. Things have been so hectic. Life is a whirlwind. We have already been living in the new place now for 2 months just about and I still have to find us some decent furniture at a good price! During times like this I sometimes wish (as I am sure MANY DO) that we had some little angel watching over us to just come in here....decorate the house for us and get it all over with. I have little time to devote to it...and when I am not semi-depressed......I can actually get things done. BUT NOT when I don't have any furniture to put things away. I mean we need some beds......and dressers for our clothes. We need some bookshelves for the living room to put our books on. I need to finish the office/craft/school room so when I start home schooling in another couple of weeks we will have a good place to sit and work on that and do crafts or anything we want!

For some reason since moving here I have little idea of how to decorate or what I want the place to look like. WHERE IS NATE BERKUS when you need him anyway? Well I could probably NOT handle that anyway as I would be bawling too much the UGLY cry as Oprah says.

The filing of the divorce is on Wednesday. I KNOW I am doing the right thing and I am sure it is natural to be filled suddenly with the questions all over again "am I doing the right thing?" Sure the money situation was easier with daddy in the picture all the time....and even though he did not always GET you and help out with you......the fact that he COULD have was helpful. BUT...I DO press on as I KNOW I am making the right choice. SO...filing is Wednesday...hearing sometime in September I hope...and that part of this episode in my life will be over.

So weird. Time is flying by. I look back at my life and the different points in it. Just in the past 6-8 months alone I have done many of the MAJOR stressors in ones lifetime. I am thankful I have been able to keep things together as much as I have been able to.

SO anyway.......we need to get some furniture. I need to get this house into a home....and YOUR room together.

You are making progress with wiping your own butt which is great. FINALLY after this long it looks like it won't be much longer and you will be doing it all by yourself! YEAH!!!!!!!

Well...I am a bit down in the dumps today. Have NO idea why. Life is good....I love you......


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dear Noah

well I am a bit tired tonight. I am trying to get back to working during the night when you sleep so I can be free during the day to have more time to unpacking things and getting settled here and having energy hopefully to devote to being an advocate for you and get ready for homeschooling again and therapies!

SO I got up at midnight last night and worked till about 4:00 a.m. 3-4 hours of sleep each night is not nearly enough to feel good enough to get the things done I need to around here. Tonight I am so tired I doubt I wake up very early to get work done. I know it will never happen by midnight...maybe 2-3:00 a.m. we will see. BUT I can do more work and more quickly if I do it when you are sleeping and no one else is about.

Anyway......we spent the afternoon drawing in a sketch pad. We had a nice visit from your uncle chris and his wife on Sunday along with grandma L. Chris was impressed with how much you know about blueprints and house plans and architecture..etc. He wanted to know who taught you all that. I said well I exposed you to it and then since you loved it so much I encouraged it as much as I could. Anyway.....I also teach you things obviously as much as I can but it is easier when you are interested in the subject!

I need to go and get ready for bed. LOVE YOU LOTS!

mommy :X

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Dear Noah: just thinking

and wondering how it is possible to work and do all the other things I need to do solely for you. It is very difficult sometimes.....cause being an advocate for you and what you need is also a full-time job. TIME is short and we just never seem to have enough of it. NOT having to worry about money or insurance or how to pay for things and just being able to get up and do what needs to be done or what we would want to do would be nice. BUT that all takes a backseat first to me working...even if only part-time......though I will likely have to do many more hours eventually in order to pay the bills easier.

sigh..................we are still working on getting those top teeth out so the new front teeth can continue coming in and move BACK in your mouth where they should be. I hope I won't have to end up taking you to a dentist to have them pulled!

It has been extremely hot here...and soooooo humid! I am so thankful we have air conditioning and can afford to run it!

We saw grandma Custer Friday night and had a great visit with her. We also had a bad storm while there....really bad! We all even wondered if a tornado was going to be passing through things go so bad.

Otherwise I will keep this short. I need to eat and do some things around here. My brother, your uncle Chris, and his wife flew up from Florida for the weekend and MIGHT stop by today. SO I need to get some things in order which I needed to do anyway. We also need to shower and bathe and go to the store.

I love you my little man......who is growing up soooooo fast!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Dear Noah-bathroom troubles

Since we have moved into our new house we are have been having problems with allowing yourself to have a complete full bowel movement in the toilet as you keep reminding me "it is only a 1.6 gallon flusher" so you are afraid if you allow yourself a full bowel movement that you will PLUG up the toilet and I will have to use a plunger to unstop it. I have told you over and over and over again, at least a thousand times in the month we have been living just GO when you feel the urge to go and not try to hold it. However, you only let out tiny bits of your bowel movements at a time. AND half the time they will not fall off your bottom into the water....they are hanging and you then do not even want to try wiping yourself which is still an ongoing project for me with you even at 7 years of age. SIGH>>>>>>>>>>

SO........I think you tell me on a daily basis at least 10 times "Mommy come see this poopy and wipe my butt".....enough to exhaust me and yourself and I would think make your bottom sore. I know I am tired of it. About as tired of it all as I was with you still wearing pull ups at 5 1/2 years and still having bowel movements in those instead of the toilet.

You have come a long way but you MUST keep trying to wipe yourself. YOU MUST get over this not allowing yourself to fully have a bowel movement soon! You said to me the other night these exact words "Mommy I cannot use this toilet properly cause it only flushes 1.5 gallons of water and I might plug it up and you would have to use the plunger to unplug it".

I was amazed at the length of the sentence and the big words you used. SO that is an ongoing concern now besides the fact that your teeth look horrible. You now have 2 new front teeth coming in on top of the old front teeth that have not yet loosened enough to come out. They have turned dark and look reallybad.....the one new tooth has broken through the skin but because your mouth and teeth are sore brushing to keep them clean is near impossible. Same on the bottom. You finally lost the 2 front teeth and one side tooth but now have another loose side tooth so the new front teeth look pretty sad sometimes and nasty. You used to have such pretty WHITE teeth. I have told you we have to keep your teeth clean and healthy and strong and WHITE so you can avoid problems later. I cannot even begin to imagine the nightmare taking you to the dentist would be and you obviously need to go if for nothing else a very good cleaning! I am sure they would have to sedate you for that to happen. I have got to get ahold of a dentist who works with kids like you in our area if I can and we will see what happens. I am almost afraid to let it go too long. I don't want you to lose your good new teeth or have rotten teeth. All your others look great....just the front look bad and when I help you brush they look better. Right now you almost look like you have one buck tooth cause it has to stick out so far in order to be on top of the other one below/behind it.

AND today in the pool outside you got mad. I had told you to quit splashing so much water out of the pool and onto me while I was on the phone....and basically to just not be so rough in the water dropping hard toys to the bottom to splash as it could make the bottom tear. I said ONE MORE TIME and you would be out of the pool. AND of course you did it one more time. I said got mad and pushed/hit me in the chest and said "paddle your butt I WILL!". Of course this marked the end of your pool time!

Trying to teach you appropriate behaviors and ongoing process we will be doing a long time.

We did make it to the library in town and got a library card. We checked out some wonderful books including some on appropriate behaviors and social skills...and you made a friend whom you played with inside a tent in the library reading books together. A little girl who you invited to your house (yelling out the address) as she left.

I am tired. I mowed the back yard tonight. The front did not seem to need it yet. I have lots to do...and more paperwork for you to fill out and send in tomorrow. Looks like SSI has determined you are I have to make sure resources are not TOO high so you can get some money. Turns out it will likely not be all that much but anything is better than nothing. I think it will likely only be around 325.00 or so per month. I don't understand how they could possibly think that is enough.

Okay...I am going to get us in our jammies. I did up the dishes and you have had supper. You should sleep well tonight.

I love you forever even though you informed me tonight that when you turned 39 you were moving away and NOT living with me anymore but you would get your own mommy (wife to you).....her name is Andie.....and you would build houses and live in the commercial site till you were done building houses......till you turned which time you would marry Andie...and have 2 children...2 boys whom you would name Isaac and Isaiah. (you only recently added you might also have 2 girls). I know you were mad at me.......but the fact that you are only 7 and already want to get away from me is good and bad. Good because I need to encourage more independence in you. Bad cause you are only 7 and I would hate to think you really understand how you feel. That is one saving grace. You are ALOOF to many of these issues and concerns. I don't think you really even understand LOVE or what it is or means. You seem to be happy around anyone who allows you to do what you want and fun things. If every person on our block did this they could all be the same as your mommy is in your eyes. You truly do not seem to NEED me or your daddy or anyone for that matter. I know this is part of your autism but it is a bit disheartening to say the least to think your 7 year old child could care less whether they are with you or not.

oh I am thinking too much and making my head hurt.

I love you regardless...always have and always will!
Mommy XXOO

Monday, July 03, 2006


Wow..I cannot believe July is already here! As I sit here sipping my pecan torte coffee....I wonder where has the first half of the year gone?? Seems like only yesterday I was still in snow in Colorado! (hey that rhymed).

The day started out with Mr. Bunny making his daily appearance. In fact we have TWO bunnies that come around and are fearless......we can be outside and they come very close....I think they know they are safe in my yard. Here is a pic of one yesterday morning...he loves to come up and eat all the goodies in my grass

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Anyway.......I had been asking (and hoping) for some deals to come my way and they did! I got myself a CORDLESS electric COOL! I decided since it looked like it might rain and Monday looked questionable I better test it out last night. SO I mowed our yard for the first time and it was so much fun!!!! I wanted to get an environmentally friendly mower if I could this time round.....but was hesitant because of the CORDS! I then discovered via tony CORDLESS mowers. I decided to find one and order it and give it a try. ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW! I am so thankful I did. NOW I know they only produce about 1/10th the SOUND of a regular mower....but still once I put the key in and turned the buttons on and pulled the lever back to start it (SO SIMPLE a child could do it..NO HARD PULLING of any cords or anything)....the mower started and it sounded like a big FAN! I got to was so quiet! Noah loved it. Noah was NOT afraid of it and came out with his play mower and pretended to mow every other row around me. We had fun. The battery stayed charged for almost my entire front, back and side yards. I played around too long in the back I had to recharge for a few minutes to finish the last 4 rows out front. I would give them a two thumbs up!! I got a BULLY......looks like this....but there are many on the market.
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Then I figured with the summer sale season coming to an end and stores closing out on their patio furniture..perhaps I would be able to get some if I got some at a good price. I DID. I got a 6 piece set....4 chairs, glass-top square table and umbrella for 50.00! I was stunned!

I got Noah a pool for 16.00.....nice size...he tested that out yesterday too and had a blast!

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I also found a new laundry hamper on sale.....(yes it does not take anything extreme to make me deliriously happy)

and then I found Route 66 jeans for 5.00 a pair!!!!!!! They unfortunately were NOT boot-cut which I prefer...but for 5.00 they are good enough to do things around the house in..etc.

AND I got 10 boxes of YOOHOO chocolate milk. Well I thought it was chocolate milk..for 2.00. I get home and it is COOKIES & CREAM!!!! WOW...i chilled them up immediately and once they were cold enough for me to try out....YUM YUM YUMMY!!! It is BETTER than the plain chocolate!!!! Tastes like melted down cookies & cream ice cream!!! MMMMMMMMMMM...a nice treat for me to have occasionally so I will be going back and getting more to stock up on them while they last!
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SO to top off the day we decided to see the local fireworks show. We drove to the fairgrounds and I kept driving back ...decided about halfway into the fairgrounds I did not want to keep going for fear I would find no place to park or have a harder time getting back out. I saw some spots open right in front of the horse barn/stalls....decided "why not park there?" It was also across from the bathroom...and pop machine. AND we could sit in the truck with the back open and see the show. I WAS SO THANKFUL I was correct in my thinking. We had the BEST seats....enjoying the show from the comfort of our truck and no one around was great!
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The show was very good for a smaller town......and right toward the finale it started to really all those poor people who had parked their cars and then walked down to be closer had to come back and get in their cars before they could even leave. At the finale I loaded up myself in the driver's seat....and right when the last firecracker went off......we started it up and left. I was 4 cars from getting out the front took maybe 5 minutes MAX to leave. I was thrilled. THEN on the way home it poured and we had some the time we got home all was dry again.

So we actually had a great day. It was productive and I got some great buys....Noah had fun in the pool and me outside with him or mowing or just sitting under the new umbrella on the new patio furniture. What a first set! AND then some wonderful fireworks at the end. Did I get things done I had planned to do for that day? No....but I did many things much more spending quality time with Noah and having fun together...enjoying the sunshine.....the birds chirping outside.......the wind in our hair......iced tea and ice water under the umbrella-topped table......laying down and looking up at the clouds rolling by and naming different shapes within them....mowing together and fireworks. I also got to release a bunch of negative crap back out to sweet Mother Nature so she could magically turn it back into good energy again. VERY soothing and healing. It always is. Try it sometime. Next time you are feeling overwhelmed or mad or have negative feelings...go outside. SIT on the grass.....release all that crap back into the atmosphere...let it go outside! It is all about energy....what we do with our minds and how we think...the energy we create within ourselves and around us by the ways we think...and what we believe.

I figured the other stuff would be there tomorrow (now today) anyway......

We both slept very well last night! I drank another YOOHOO (almost said Yahoo!)...

we are counting all our blessings as we are truly blessed.....and all is right in our little corner of the world