Saturday, May 14, 2005

Dear Noah:

Today mommy is a little sad. Oh to be little again and not have the worries we do now as adults. No matter how hard I try not to worry about anything it always creeps back in there somehow. Never fails.

Today we had to call 911 for our neighborman Floyd. He just cannot take care of himself anymore at all. I am not sure why he continued to think he could even after admitting he couldn't. He kept saying he was fine but was not. I guess because he probably knew if he ever left this time he would not be coming back. Probably would never see his cats again. Maybe not anything of his again. Would be extremely hard to let go of any remaining indepence you even thought you might have. His place is a mess. I think the Department of Health will need to get involved. Not sure. I won't get into details but it is not a pretty sight over there to say the least.

Which makes Mommy think even more about you and me and daddy taking the best care of ourselves as we can so we can always be here for you as long as we need to be. We as humans however only have so much real control of things in the world don't we? In reality what control we have does not amount to much at all probably. SO we worry. I take so many deep breaths throughout the day these days I am probably doing aerobics without even actually moving! haha

I guess it is only natural that a mommy or daddy would want to protect their child forever. To shelter them from anything bad or wrong forever. To be around for them forever! Well those parents who love their kids feel that way I am sure. Maybe ones who did not really want to be parents don't? I don't know. I guess people who abuse their kids don't feel that way.

Then I think about reality. The world we now live in. SO many depressing things. So many sad things. ALSO some wonderful and beautiful things but it seems we don't hear about those much and no one talks about them. Anxiety is so real for everyone these days. So we plan or try to plan for ANY possible situation. I am like a Boy Scout. I try to be prepared for any possible scenario that could possibly ever come up. It is exhausting. I wonder if I am obsessing. I have a duffle bag by the bedroom door filled with things I guess I feel we would need in an emergency. But in true emergencies how often do you have TIME to grab a duffle bag? Maybe I am only fooling myself. Maybe I am just giving myself a false sense of security.

To be honest Noah I am to the point where I think I would be almost afraid to ever have you go to another public school again. I am sure there will be a day when you might. You love school. I don't know. I remember Columbine and the school in Russia. What nightmares that became a reality for so many who probably felt safe and felt nothing like that would ever happen to them or their kids. Kid should be able to feel safe. I don't think they do for the most part these days and so anxiety creeps in even on their little bodies. I worry about the crap you might have to face being around other kids.

I remember when I was little. I don't remember worrying about anything at all. We were happy and carefree. NOTHING to worry about but having fun! You looked forward to the next day and the next with anticipation of all these fun things you could do. I thought that was normal. As I got older there were things that happened that I worried about. Guess this is not the place to air all that though.

Geesh..where am I going with all this crap? Sorry Noah. I still look forward to each and every day don't get me wrong. Probably even more now because of YOU! I hope I am not sheltering you too much. We take you places pretty much every day and you love to go! You love being around other kids and people for the most part.

I guess I better quit rambling on and on as this is not really making any sense anymore anyway.

I do love you Noah...more than words can say!


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