Dear Noah:

Some say I think too much. Maybe I do. But today I was watching you outside playing with the neighbor girls. You could not wait to get out there to play with them and busted out into the backyard through the back door yelling "Emma, Emma...I'm here, I'm here!" all the while running to "the fence." The fence...very symbolic actually.....separating two worlds that are very different. As I stood there watching you all play together "through" the fence it got me to thinking.

I got to thinking about some of the differences between you and the two little girls you have come to adore. I wondered what might happen in the future and if Jennifer or Emma would still be super friendly with you as you got older (if we still lived here and they did too) or if they would slowly at some point begin to pull away. I wondered if they would go on and begin a fairly typical life for themselves in school and if you would be left to struggle just to get through a similar day in any public school setting.

I watched you many times just sitting alone watching them play from a distance. I watched you have mini-meltdowns over little things that upset you...nothing like you used to and few and far between...but reactions nonetheless. I wondered how you would manage in your life and if eventually you would be able to control those meltdowns to the point of elimination altogether? Sometimes it is noticeable the small differences between you and the two little girls....and yet I wonder if perhaps they are so small and insignificant that anyone else would even notice them?

I wondered about putting you back into the public school system this fall and what that might mean for you? Taking a deep breath I wondered if I or you would really ever be ready to try that again knowing full well unless I want to raise you completely isolated except for some exposures in a backyard or play area I would HAVE to put you back into a school setting of some sort eventually. I wondered if someone would notice the differences in you and pick on you to the point where they provoked you and you got into trouble and ended up in some juvenile detention. Or even worse someone hurt you because you are so naive about things in life. Part of me feels I need to completely protect you and shelter you from all possible scenarios all the while knowing that is not even close to being realistic.

I worry about all sorts of things. I know all your quirks and what you need. We can avoid lots of explanations just because we are both tuned in to each other and aware. Yet you are now 8-1/2 years old. I have realized I cannot possibly give you all you need alone....by myself. As difficult as the world can be sometimes...or at least the people in it......you will have to spread your little wings and try to fly.

I was stepping out of the shower today and looked at the toilet seat. I remembered how difficult it was to ever get you ON a toilet let alone using the toilet. I remember we had to change the toilet seat after we finally got you to using the toilet because the old one had broken and we had to get a different one. NOT a regular standard white one......we got an OAK one. You would not sit on that toilet seat for the longest time. I constantly continued to work with you on CHANGE and things being different and how that is OKAY. FINALLY you were able to use that different toilet seat and then you branched out and started to use toilets everywhere! We did have to still work with you on flushing as the sounds of some public toilets flushing bothers you to this day. BUT the point is even though it was difficult and trying and took MUCH LONGER than anyone could possibly have imagined......YOU DID IT.

You have come a long way....but need so much more. You need interaction. You do not need to be picked on. My greatest fear is you will go through hell in a public school setting. I will have to work with the school and teachers and hope and pray you get the very best! You deserve the very best. I need to find mentors in your life and educators who love you as I do. Who will take care of you like I would but allow you to expand and grow and try things on your own too.

We have a lot of preparation to do this summer and my stomach gets all in knots just thinking about you possibly starting school this fall.....but I realize you at the very least need to try it again. If it does not work out we will find something that does. I am hopeful your little quirks will not be pointed out but more accepted this time round.....ignored for the most part....allowing you to feel like one of the GROUP and not separate from all the others though you are in a room WITH all the others.

I love you more than you will possibly ever know or be aware of Noah.

Mommy XOXOXOX