Dear Noah.....your visit with your dad so far....

Is going pretty well. He arrived on Saturday afternoon and wanted to take you and me out to dinner together....but I could tell you would rather it just be him and you alone together so I offered that option to you which you accepted pretty quickly! Then you could not wait to leave the house and get on the road and back to his hotel to start your long weekend with him.



You were also impressed with his car rental...he does always seem to get a brand new nice car each time. Maybe car renting times have changed over the years?



You called me Saturday night before bedtime. I also talked to you Sunday morning/afternoon for a bit. You sounded like you were having a very good time. Every so often on the phone when you two were driving in the car I could hear you tell me "just a minute mommy" and then you telling your dad "it's 65 MPH through here"......yes.....YOU are very good at telling the driver the correct speed limit to go on different roads....where to turn.....where to go...etc. You will make an excellent driver one day!

The thing that impressed me the most listening to you talk on the phone was how well you enunciated all your words in your sentences.....but at the same time you sounding so very much like about a 5-year-old little boy. It was very sweet....you talking so plainly now that anyone could understand you....such a FAR cry from when it was all garbly goop at best and even I had a difficult time understanding you. You really impressed me but it also tugged at my heart because you sounded so small and tiny on the other end of the phone.

Opie and I are holding our own back at Fort Home. I have to admit I feel totally lost without you here...which always surprises me and catches me off guard a bit. Since you were born you have always been with me.....we always do everything together. I mean you even go with me to MY doctor appointments if you are not in school. SO this is very new to me...and I felt like my biggest reason ....for even being alive was missing. Here I finally had time to do whatever I wanted....but I did not feel like doing too much of anything. I honestly did not know what to do.

I realized since you were born I just dove right into living my life FOR YOU ..to be your advocate...to help you succeed and be the best you could be..so one day you could be Mr. Independent and able to do well for yourself and others. I think somewhere along the way I may have lost sight of myself. I am not complaining. I know I am still here. I know who I am...what I want..what I don't want....what I need. I have just been simmering on the back burner keeping warm.....

Many people including myself will oftentimes sit back and ask themselves "what is my purpose for even being alive?" "WHY are we here?"

I think our PURPOSE can change throughout our lives. I think it is natural for most moms to sort of give up themselves to devote to raising their kids when they have any. THEN when the child leaves the nest one day...they probably go through what I did this weekend; feeling sort of lost....not sure what to do......not quite remembering much of anything about themselves anymore.

It is great if you can keep the two separate and yet together in the same life.....but I find that hard to do though I am getting better at it. I think it is important that you see I have specific likes and dislikes or hobbies and activities I do. We are now at a point in our lives where I have some "time" again where I can actually allow some of those things for ME to creep back into our day-to-day living. It has been a long time coming....so I imagine I will flounder around like a fish out of water for awhile. BUT I know without a doubt it will all come together. It always does. Our lives are really falling into place very nicely....and you are becoming quite an amazing young man.

I do miss you and look forward to seeing you later today. Until then.......Opie and I send our love!




Mommy
XOXOX