Friday, August 01, 2008
Yesterday morning you slept in a lot longer than usual. I found myself wondering if you were still alive....or if you died during the night. I remember the first time I wondered this same thing......when you were but 8 weeks old and it was the first time you slept straight through the entire night...10 hours of sleep! I woke up panicked...as we all slept in for a change.....and I was worried surely something must be wrong.
I went into your room to find you smiling back at me......just waking up for the day.
Now your body is on such a set schedule...you wake up like clockwork pretty much the same time every day. So when you don't ...I really wonder if something is wrong. I imagine this is natural for moms....but I figured by now that anxiousness would have long ago passed.
But I don't know....maybe it never will.
I am not sure why I sometimes get filled with sad thoughts about you.....feelings of loss....while you are here. I try to make my brain focus on all the good things and the fact that you ARE here. I wonder if it is normal to have these thoughts sometimes....and I am not sure where they come from.
I do know I cannot imagine my world without you in it.
I love you Noah.....to the moon and back again....forever I will.