Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Dear Noah: this is a hard post to write...

I have done a lot of thinking lately. You have done a lot of talking to me. You have wanted to watch old videoclips from when you were younger. I understand that appeal so I dug some clips on a CD out from a box and let you take them to your room to watch them. Numerous times however, since watching those clips, you then come to me crying, telling me how you long for an old rug, a specific toy, or even your old bedspread that you used to have in your old bedroom in the condo where we lived when Daddy and Mommy were still married. Or you come crying because you think daddy should be living with us......and we should remarry. AND then you cry because you want to live with daddy..or have us move back to Colorado to live...you say preferably in the condo below our former one where Daddy still lives....so then we could leave our doors open and you could come and go between the two freely.

I explain we can look for a new rug like the old one, or that even a new one is okay, but that change will always happen in your life and IT IS "OKAY". I tell you many things...including how while Daddy and Mommy can be friends, we could not ever remarry. I know you do not understand this. One day you might and then again maybe you never will. This sends me back in time to when you were in preschool and any change in your daily routine, room, clothing, toys, ANYTHING would set you off. Very much like lately when you have been reminiscing.

This tears me up inside and makes me feel horrible. It is not your fault but that is how it all makes me feel. Because part of me feels very responsible for obviously being the one to make the decisions I did to tote you across 4-5 States to end up where we are today. Trying to start a new life for ourselves, one that can include my extended family and hopefully still your daddy.

The problem is you complain you do not see him enough. I have set up your computer in your room now to where you can talk to your daddy online. You also spend a lot of time talking to him on the phone. I know it was not my fault why I ended the marriage and came here with you. I know it was for the best. I will also not dog your daddy.....because he is your father. AND while he made some serious errors of judgment in the past...we can all screw up in life.

With that all being said, it has been extremely difficult. You have adjusted very well and love living here. I love our home and the space. BUT at the same time I think you could easily live with your father and be happy. Of course in your perfect world in your mind if you had it your way, we would develop a way to have the best of both, very much like your proposed plan above; where we buy the condo below your daddy's condo, and then you could see him whenever you want.

I have to admit at times that is appealing. Because he would be there to take the pressure off sometimes and to help out and you would maybe be happier. We both love Colorado very much. However, then we would be back living in a State with no one around to do things with or share things with or visit. You would have almost NO social outings and family get togethers. Not that we do a lot of that now, but we CAN if we want to or a holiday or birthday pops up. We would not be limited to annual visits alone and having to drive 1200 miles to go visit let's say, "grandma."

I have also realized I would like to have a life and reclaim some of ME that I used to be and NEW parts of me that I hope to become. Hopefully eventually that will also involve a man in some degree. However, you also do not understand that. Well you do to a point. You call any man I talk to on the phone "the father you don't marry" or my "honeybunch." I have not gone on any dates since divorcing your father. AND I know you well enough to know you would just be thrilled to have another warmblooded body in the house you could talk to and share things with. You would be happy. So that would not ever be an issue for you.

BUT.....this brings me to my most recent life. I have signed up on some silly singles sites just to try to MEET new people in MY area I live in now, thinking I could eventually meet a group of people with similar interests and start doing things together. SO far I have not made it past weeding out men who are there merely for sex or forms of sex like phone sex and such. I realize the prospects of perhaps finding a good man, one who would also want to get to know you and love you and include you in their life might be very slim. I know it is possible and it can exist....but I also have to face the possibility it won't happen or won't happen easily.

I was always hopeful that your mommy could have a life with possibly a new male partner of some sort that would also include you. While I still think it possible, I am now wondering how likely that will be. Maybe I will eventually just meet some friends to hang out with. That would be fine, but it still does not remove some of the natural desires I have as a woman. SO what do I do with all that? Put my life on hold till you are an adult? Because even then there is a chance you will still require some assistance on my part just to live. DO I just focus on us and you and our lives together? I have been doing that...it is good and feels right...and yet it does not remove my feelings and needs.

I will not ever have a man in my life that also does not want to get to know you or include you. You need not ever fear that. That is a requirement. I am also not feeling sorry for myself...this is the life I have chosen and I would rather be alone than be somewhere I know I am not supposed to be or with someone I am not supposed to be with. BUT then there is you. Where does that leave you? At the very least I have made things a bit inconvenient for you to have the best world you desire. AND I KNOW I am YOUR mommy and the adult and the one that has to decide what is best for us all.

I just hope I am not screwing up your life permanently and you will survive and thrive from any decisions I make.

I love you Noah, more than you will possibly ever know.

mommy :X


Kindness said...

Beautifully written Melinda... wish we could both just step out the front door, share a pot of coffee and just talk.

Melinda, mom of Noah said...

Thank you. I wish we could too. I would really enjoy that..

It makes me cry even re-reading it now which is so stupid.