Friday, September 02, 2005

Dear Noah that I am off work it is so much more obvious how much additional cares you really need! Not that I did not know beforehand. I certainly did.

While your father is getting better with handling you....he still can set you off so easily. I can see how this kind of stress wears any family and relationship thin. I am NOT blaming you or the problems you have. BUT I do realize we either all have to pull together in this or we will hopelessly fall apart. We can become stronger through all this and understand each other better but it takes a tremendous amount of energy and input, which in turn is exhausting and makes our spirits a bit sad and frustrated at times. MOST of the time I guess.

You are making tremendous progress in many areas. You had so much fun at occupational therapy the other day and your therapist was FANTASTIC! ALL you have talked about is "WHEN" you will get to go back. I am SO thankful the therapy is something you enjoy and I WISH there were some way we could sell this condo so we could buy a bigger house in order to make a room of your very own like that therapy room, but in your own home! YOU NEED a room like that. I think any kid would like a room like that. BUT YOU NEED IT! You literally seek so much physical input from your surroundings and environment. It is exhausting and overwhelming to just be exposed to it from our viewpoint. Daddy cannot always handle it and is constantly telling you to STOP running up and down the hall, or body slamming on the sofa or bed or into a wall, while I have mastered the ability to finally "tune it out". I imagine we are an odd site from the outside looking in. If someone were to drive by or look down on us from above they would see a WILD CHILD at least for portions of the day with a MOMMY who is SITTING there allowing you to be that way. While Daddy thinks you need to be taught how to NOT do this....I FULLY understand that you currently physically and physiologically NEED to do those things just to GET BY in our world. SO I let you be. I let you bounce happily on the sofa, though I will set a time limit or give you a number of times you can do it. I will let you run up and down the hallway. BUT again with a time limit. I even let you body slam things but again within reason.

The sounds again have been incredible. I DO hope and pray you are not picking up on any of MY stress revolving around my job being phased out, etc. I am so overwhelmed lately with everything in my life and the WORLD around me I am sure I am a mess of nerves. I certainly don't want you to EVER suffer because of my quirkiness! BUT you have been NEEDING to make incredible vocalizations lately and sounds. Almost constant again. Sometimes deafening. You have also restarted twirling your hair with your hands till you get such big knots I have to cut them out. SO again we are encouraging you to use rubber banded things to twirl instead.

AND you have become obssessed with gas prices again. Of course right now everyone seems to be obssessed with the gas prices because of hurricane Katrina and all that mess and lack of gas, etc. BUT those were the final words out of your mouth last night before going to bed. You suddenly sat up and said "Mommy, you need to go get gas in the morning before it goes up 20 cents or more", "cause by Monday it could be up over 3.00 or 6.00 per gallon!" ALL said so full of animation too. THEN you suddenly laid back down and as if from sheer exhaustion yourself you promptly finally fell asleep.

My time, the few free moments of time I have only exist when you are asleep. I am not complaining. BUT this also means little time for me to actually sleep, or take proper care of myself or things around the house.

BUT...I WOULD NEVER trade you for the world! I LOVE you so very very much Noah my little angel boy....JUST AS YOU ARE!!!!!!!


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