Dear Noah:

Well you made a great batch of crockpot applesauce with Daddy yesterday. SO YUMMY!

Today we have a chance to go to lunch with your step-sister but you already informed me last night you did not want to go. This is an ongoing dilemma. You "think" you want to go places and do things and be around other people....and then "most times" when we make arrangements for that you end up saying you don't want to go. You don't want to be around other people. You are even willing to pass up eating out at a restaurant, which used to be a favorite pasttime of yours.

Which brought me back to thinking about you being around other kids. You so desire it and yet when you are placed in that situation, you can't always handle it. So with you it is different than just a parent worrying their child may not have a best friend or a friend at all. At least those parents' kids are probably being exposed to many other children every day! You aren't. AND when you have been exposed to groups of other kids like in a classroom or park or even the library...if there are too many kids there you just can't handle it. You think you can and sometimes you can. But many times you can't. I don't really worry about you having a best friend right now. I just think sometimes it would be nice if you could be around more kids yuor own age to just have that exposure. This is where we are always torn apart. We want that for you but also know you can't always handle it. Finding the right mix is tough. It truly is not as simple as you just going to a regular public school like other kids and being around other kids all day long. There are just so many variables that affect this for you. Your sensory issues are one of the biggest and combine that with your generalized anxiety and autism....it makes it extremely difficult for you to tolerate certain social settings at all.

I have talked to many autistic adults and they have all said the same thing. Exposing you to more social situations does not make you more social. I believe this. The only thing it could possibly do eventually is allow you to find a way to learn to COPE with the social situation you are in when you are in one.

AND at 6 1/2 years of age they have all told me you just don't have those coping skills yet. That is why you are trying to avoid things you know now will set you off. It makes perfect sense to me. BUT bring us right back to where we started.

AND I also got to thinking. I am doing this online diary for you....but I am not printing out my pages as I go. If something were to happen to this diary and blog I will have lost all record of all these important things you have said and important events in your life over time. I need to find a way to print off a copy or save a copy somewhere! AND I should start copying my daily logs into a WORD file and save them I guess.

I love you...time for breakfast!

Mommy