Dear Noah:

I love you. Sometimes being the ONLY parent here taking care of you is a bit scary......though I try to NOT feed into any sense of fear or apprehension ever! BUT it can be difficult. Even though we get child support and you some SSI money now.......I still am pretty much stuck working part-time or just a hair over it. IF I do go over that..... you would lose any SSI benefits.......since it is income-based.....and I don't know if I could work enough to recoup the monthly check you get which is not much trust me!

I AM SO THANKFUL to have a job and be able to stay at home and work solely from home...but there are no HOURLY wages involved here....no salary in addition to my line counts I get paid when I type. It is strictly all piecework basically.....which means I would have to type my fingers off to make any headway! THIS is all fine and dandy but then it cuts into time taking care of you....or homeschooling you......just being there in the day for you. I am the only one here to watch you......do those things....etc. It would make no difference if you went to school somewhere else which is not an option anyway.

I just checked my bank account today. I have been able to stay ahead for a long time and I am not going to give into fears about money......I totally understand you have to have GOOD feelings and thoughts associated with money at all times. BUT.......I so do NOT want to go back living paycheck to paycheck and if I am not careful we will be there in a month. We are just about there now! THAT is very scary.........because of all the what ifs! I have many bills to pay and currently more money is going out than coming in. I could try increasing my work load.....but like I said above...if I make too much money you lose SSI. I can make a little more and you would still get some......but it might be decreased. This is sort of a catch 22. If I go all out and basically work all the time.......where does that leave you? Where do I find time to homeschool you and work with you and things like that?

I have to try to figure out a way to do it all. I have already changed my schedule to work midnight to 4:00 a.m. for my guaranteed MINIMUM 4 hours......I am required to do that at least everyday. I then try to start work again later around 10:00 p.m. to midnight to add on to the day's total...so that would be 6 hours......I SHOULD be able to do that. I wonder if there is any way I can magically learn to type even faster to do more lines in the same amount of time? My goal is to work full time line counts in part-time hours....I figured I could do this in 6 hours. Well...there is no way...not with all the variables involved....different docs dictating....messing up reports.......having to look up information.......whenever things do not flow freely it affects my output. SO I can almost always do the minimum line counts per hour they require......but that would not have me at full time line counts in 6 hour days.

Sometimes like this I wish I had someone to come in and save my butt. Sharing bills with someone else was a lot easier than trying to foot all these by myself on part-time income. It is a blessing we have made it this far if you think about it!

I can only hope and pray....that I somehow get a ton back on income tax. THAT would certainly help. If there was a magic fairy out there to pay our rent for a year......or even 6 months.....that would help. ANYthing like that would help......oh where is Oprah during this time to magically pay off all your bills and buy you a home and move you, etc.? I cannot even imagine ever receiving anything close to that as I have always had to work and work very hard to get what I have or we have. This makes me feel good....but lately just more tired than anything.

I don't always feel like the best mother to you because I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep per night working the way I do. I feel like I slack off in so many areas that I do not want to...because I HAVE to work..........to pay the bills.......etc. It is all falling on my shoulders....which is fine.........it is all just overwhelming.

ANYway......I did not mean to rain on your parade. I love you a ton! I got a little box in the mail from work......a Christmas thank you of some sort. I was telling someone I was going to save it to open on Christmas day with you....and you told me "Mommy I am going to make you a present for Christmas so you will have something to open!" ...."It will be beautiful!"

that seems to be your favorite word lately.......beautiful! and that is how I would describe you always..........beautiful..........because you are.

I love you..let's keep grandma Lincoln in our prayers today as she undergoes breast cancer surgery again..........let's hope and pray it has not spread.

oh to be younger again and have someone else take care of me.......and not have a care in the world.......that is what I want to give to you always............

i love you.......the MOST!

mommy :X