Dear Noah:

I have been extremely tired lately. With all the stress we normally just have in our lives...me trying to work again at night while you sleep......me getting little sleep then because of this.....the holidays and all the business associated with that.........Grandma L. dealing with breast cancer again.........on and on......

I woke up today feeling very tired for some reason......well duh.....I guess I just explained it all above.

Anyway........I was short-tempered. Yeah....grumpy. I have had a really bad attitude in general lately about a lot of things. SO.........it did not take but the simplest thing to set me off today........which happened to be struggling to make your bed...........the fact that you again were not yet dressed....or brushed your teeth.....still have those loose teeth in your mouth......and it snowballed from there. I yelled which I try to never do around you...because you do not respond well to it (does anyone?).......I do not want to be treated the way my dad used to treat or act around us kids when I grew up.....I never want you to feel afraid around me or apprehensive or sad.......etc. BUT I raised my voice.......you cried......I felt like a total jerk. I did not really yell at you....I was just yelling.

We finally got it all out of our system......I apologized immediately and you said you were sorry....I told you it was nothing you did...it was me. I was tired...not happy with myself......not happy that I continue to find a difficult time finding adequate time to do all the things we need to do and more free time to spend with you on school and play time...etc. Seems no matter what I do there is never enough time and I am exhausted more than not.

I asked you to forgive me and you to forgive you......

later.......at the kitchen table......I went to take a sip of coffee from my coffee cup and you Kool-Aid and you wanted to toast. I said "to a good life...a happy full life.......free of anger and sadness and grumpiness.......filled with love......" and you said "and FORGIVENESS"......"because forgiveness is very important!"

you are incredible....such a deep thoughtful thinker.

We shared looking at the paper and you saw a birth announcement for a little girl and you said "oh....isn't she just beautiful?"......too cute.

then you heard a song on the television....and said "ssssssshhh....listen.....isn't that a beautiful song?" "isn't that just beautiful?"

and tonight......you had taken some pictures of RR crossings.....and said to me......"isn't that just beautiful?"

you know what Noah......YOU are beautiful...........heck with everything else......at least I am doing something right with you.

i love you more than you can possibly imagine or know.........

mommy :X