Tuesday, August 29, 2006


We just had a MAJOR EXPLOSION between the two of us. You have had an "I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it" attitude and not really "IN" to anything else....including things that HAVE to be done. Since I am a SINGLE parent here with you now it makes it nearly impossible for me when there come times I HAVE to get out and run errands or pay bills or have copies of paperwork made to mail out, etc. Or like now. You had come in asking for batteries for your piano. Seems I no sooner wait on you for one thing...sit down for a second to get something done I HAVE to get done...and you come in needing something again. I LOVE you but that gets old so quickly. I told you we had no batteries till we would go to the store to get more. You just stood behind my chair...pushing on it. I told you to stop. To give me space. I respect your needs when you want SPACE....privacy...but you do not respect my wishes. You stood there. I told you again. I YELLED it to you as you still did not grasp we had no batteries till we GO OUT to the store to get some which would require you GET DRESSED AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND GET READY TO LIVE A LIVE OUTSIDE THE HOUSE occasionally. I guess my raised voice scared you. You swatted at me several times.....and then slammed my door knocking stuff over on the way out. I opened my door and smacked your butt big time while you were crying and yelling for me to stop...etc. I cussed and carried on ...all things I NEVER WANT to do and could count on ONE hand the number of times I have ever been pushed to that point where I totally lost it. BUT I LOST IT. You lost it. I made you get your ass dressed and brush your teeth. BUT only through fear. What kind of life is that? NOT the one I want to create for you. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DO NOT want to be my DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAD all over again to you. I HATE HIM FOR IT. There I said it. I HATE the life of HELL he put us through when we were younger growing up around him. WHAT A PRICK! AN ABUSIVE SELFISH PRICK!

I am not even going to get into it all today. I feel so badly cause I ended up screaming and yelling at you.......swatting your butt even....first time I think since living here in Ohio. I DO NOT like myself when I end up having a reaction I try to teach you to NOT have. I was at my limit I guess...though that is no excuse. You hit me.....just cause you did not want to do something we need to do. I am tired of that. It does not happen often but if something startles you or scares you or if I raise my voice too high or you THINK I am not listening to you....lately your first reaction has been to try to SLAM a door...STOMP those feet on the floor.....(which is usually followed by an immediate calm down so I allow it)...or MOST recently swatting at me. You are going to be 8 years old at the end of December. I have to NIP that behavior in the bud now....cause as you get bigger and older and LARGER it will become too dangerous. I KNOW swatting you back is not the answer...but then again it got your attention. NOT that I want to scare you to death to get your attention. I had to LIVE MY ENTIRE freaking ass life at home like that around MY dad. What an asshole....we had to walk on eggshells....scared to death we might breathe the wrong way and he would not like it and we would get the shit beat out of us or he would scream and yell and work himself up into such a frenzy he would HIT anything or anyone in his path!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sigh..............I SWORE I would NOT be like him ever...I MADE A VOW TO NEVER BECOME HIM....not ever with a child....or anyone else. I have times however, when I realize I DO struggle with it. What crap. THANKS so much dad for that shitty legacy.

I have explained to you that if you hit the wrong person one day they will likely beat the crap out of you. How you cannot just go around because you don't want to do something or are unhappy about something and stomp (though that is the least threatening bad behavior)...slamming doors or hitting people. You have come such a long way I am not sure why you are reacting this way lately. You did so well at aunt Angela's on Saturday. You have been doing so well. And then this.

I too am just too stressed out. Maybe you are picking up on it. I have made a wonderfully stress free environment here at home for us...though in reality how stress free can it really be if there are things piled around needing addressing? HOLY FUCK I have not even been able to get us any furniture yet. How can this possibly seem like a real home to you? We are living on carpet and lawn chairs amidst boxes!!!!!!! We are still sleeping on air beds. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for all we have...and for a roof over our heads..for our privacy by living in our own home and not an apartment.

WHEN will I ever have the time unless I do what I preach to you and JUST DO IT?

NO one comes by...even when they know I am off work. NO ONE EVEN FREAKIN CALLS. NO ONE OFFERS to help...except grandma C. and Angela... NO ONE. What the shit does that mean? Have we become "invisible" to our so-called family? I don't get it. Have not gotten it since we moved back here...and still don't get it. We can go to someone else's house like Angela's house and if others are there they seem to be okay around us. BUT that is where it ends. NO emails....no calls.....no visits....NO DAMN INTEREST IN OUR LIVES AT ALL....and FINE if they don't want to be interested in MY life but what about yours? DON'T YOUR GRANDPARENTS WANT to be a part of your life? Doesn't anybody else? I wish I had the money to pack us back up and move somewhere...anywhere.....away from this crap. BUT is there such a place?

I have treated you in a way that is unacceptable. I KNOW screaming or yelling at you does NOT help...you get too scared...it hurts your ears...it makes you even more mad because you don't know how to deal with all the emotions inside of you.

SO....we talked. We said we were sorry to each other. We hugged a lot...kissed and cried. We talked about us BOTH using the calm down book. We talked about putting a DO NOT YELL sign on the doors. We talked about LISTENING and doing things we are supposed to do whether we want to or not. NO MORE excuses. You expressed your concerns very well. You came in crying and told me to stop talking so loud and yelling cause it hurt your ears and you just got upset and then mad at me.

holy fuck. No county help. Likely NO SSI help. Just you and me kid....and it feels like us against the whole FUCKING ASS world.

sorry for the potty mouth...sometimes it just feels better to CUSS to express how you feel.

Mommy is very sorry for the way things ended up today. I should have known we would be tested on our so-called STRESS free environment and calm.

Holy fucking crap!

I am so sick and tired of the crap.

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