Dear Noah (what you said to me last night)

We laid down in bed to read some Bible stories....our usual routine. AND then you proceeded to tell me how we should have a bed of crosses. I said "What?" You said "a bed of dying crosses." You said, "Jesus laid down and died on the cross so we need a bed of crosses so we can lay down on the cross and die too."

I think I was too dumbfounded to speak so I lay there.

I thought some more. I said "well yes when you become a Christian the person you used to be does die or change and you will never be the same again." I also said "but you don't actually have to physically die on a cross to do that."

You then said "well a bed with pretend crosses not real ones, so we could lay down on them and go to sleep."

THEN you said "I am going to die this year in 2005 so I can be 6 forever!" (like you were all excited and knew something perhaps I did not). This of course tends to freak me out when you say things like this as you have before

I said "WHAT?????" (in alarm). You said "yeah, if I die now I would be 6 forever!!" (all excited). You said "I would go into the tomb (yes you said that) and rise up again like Jesus and I would go to Heaven and I would be like Jesus and live forever!"

I said " well you know you don't have to die NOW" , "if you died now mommy and daddy would miss you so much and we would not get to see you and you would not get to see us!" "You don't have to do something like that now!"

You then said "well I guess I could do that when I am older"; "like maybe 30 years old?"

AND I said "yes, it is something you can always do when you get older."

Then this morning you come out again and start in about having a "bed of dying crosses" so we could all go to bed and lay down on them at night and go to sleep and they would automatically be raised up!" I then proceeded to tell you Jesus just did not just "lay down on a cross and go to sleep", but that he suffered for a very long time and was in pain and misery while on that cross.

You just laid there and listened and smiled. You loves Jesus and the Bible and all those stories so much and just can't seem to get enough of them! You have this innate ability to just KNOW the stories and what happened and can relate and recite most so well when asked! It amazes me. I mean we do read Bible studies here at home and I read to you from your 2 Bibles every night and even during the day sometimes. We also have other Bible stories we work on....but you are most fascinated and obsessed with Jesus (which is fine with me). BUT almost to the extreme (which is part of your autism I am sure). SO you are wanting to be like Jesus (which is fine also but I mean you want to even die on a cross like Jesus did). I don't think you totally understand the concept of death yet and all that it entails! I know you do not.

**Another time at night when we were talking about death and how some children's parents on a movie we had watched had died and they said in the movie had gone to heaven, Noah started crying cause he was not in Heaven and he wondered "what about me??" He was bawling like crazy.

"What can I do to go to Heaven he asked me??" I then proceeded to tell him what the Bible says about that. Of course again he wanted to go RIGHT THEN!

So while he can explain characters from the Bible and who they were and what they did and what happened to them....he still cannot grasp "concepts" of things like "why", "death", "sleeping", "what is real and what is not", etc.

You live with no fear however which I guess should be the way we all should live. You are not afraid of death or dying though I don't think you totally understand it all. But then again perhaps you understand it better than we do?? You are probably to young yet to be too attached to things of this world including your own mommy and daddy. AND being autistic you always have a bit of aloofness about you even with us. It does not really bother you much to NOT be around us at times (most times!). So in your mind there is nothing you would be "giving up" to go to Heaven and live forever. In your mind you would "be gaining everything" by doing that and you would be happy, etc.

**I suppose that is how we should all feel if we are indeed a Christian! Ready to give anything and all up for Him to be and live with Him forever, whenever. It is not something that should make us sad but like Noah we should be happy about it when that time comes. Noah showed no signs of being in any distress at the thought (though he perhaps does not fully grasp what dying and leaving us would mean). Or maybe he does?