Dear Noah: Sunday Feb. 26, 2006

So we had a lot of company this past weekend at my grandmother's house. Noah loves it but also tends to get a bit over-stimulated and excited. When this happens he will come into the room with everyone else and sometimes walk around in circles.....dance around in place and flap his hands....or rush over to people and push up against them....and even walk around kissing them all. For example yesterday when mom and dad came over...he walked up to his grandpa and kissed him on the knee..then he walked to my grandma his great-grandma and kissed her on the knee...and then his grandma (my mom) and then me. AND then himself. He seems to be craving human contact and social interaction from others so much....he is always wanting to go up to everyone and climb all over them and plaster hugs and kisses on them. He loves going up and taking the other person's face in his hands and really LOOKING at them and feeling them. Almost like what a blind person does.





Then more hugs and kisses and love love love pouring out from him to everyone else. Then there is usually more drama when company LEAVES as he never wants to see them go....and he has a fit. Saturday my cousin stopped in for a visit and then my sister and her husband and son. AND Sunday mom and dad came by and then my uncle. So needless to say he had his extent of system overload!

We all slept well last night. Poor grandma kept falling asleep at the drop of a hat while trying to watch Dancing With The Stars. I seem to be hopelessly in a stupor since arriving to Ohio...and can fall asleep talking on the phone even! sooo embarassing and makes me feel so bad when I do that. This 2 hour time change and release of all the stress in addition to new stress I guess has taken its toll.

Today it will be some running...going to call about some houses on the lake I am interested in.....and I need to run errands.

Work is going well though I am still behind.....and with the switching over to a new backup account that I have had to do lately as my primary account is caught up....it means I go a lot slower than usual and cannot make my line count! Crap!!

My brother has FINALLY come aboard the blogging world and is just starting out on EFX2. I have a link for him on my family blog links to the right. He is www.clphotodesign.efx2.com

Okay...more later......lots to do here for now. :feedingbirds:

Dear Noah: Saturday 02/25/06

A bit hectic today here at grandmas. My cousin came over in the late afternoon...Noah got all excited about that. He had spent the afternoon talking to his daddy via video conference on the PC....and reading books to him..etc...so he was already overwhelmed a bit. Then my cousin comes by.........and he loves her....had a great time with her but got wound up....cried when she left. I finally got him calmed down...rocking him...almost asleep...and my sister Angela (Simplicity) and her husband and son pop in for a visit.

Noah was SUPER excited at this point and spent a lot of time just spinning in circles and flapping his hands around and moving constantly!

Earlier in the day he had a couple of episodes. Grandma was running her sweeper and he did not like the sound but had to run downstairs to pee. He thought he timed it right so when she turned off the sweeper he could run down. The sweeper went off..he was halfway down the steps and she turned the sweeper back ON!!!!

Needless to say NOAH FREAKED OUT....he froze on the steps covering his ears...screaming and screaming and crying.... Grandma finally heard him and turned the sweeper off and Noah just yelled at her "NOW DON'T TURN THAT ON AGAIN!" and I yelled down that he had to pee and the sweeper scared him. SO she waited till he got done. What a trying time.

A few times like that for him over the past few days. Something a bit off the norm happens and sets him off.

otherwise....all going well. I called on a rental tonight...have some houses to call about tomorrow.

Dear Noah:

I AM AT MY WIT'S END WITH STRESS TO BEGIN. I AM TRYING TO WORK FROM HOME BUT NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WORK FROM HOME....I AM TRYING TO LEARN A NEW ACCOUNT....TRYING TO FIND A HOUSE TO BUY WHICH HAS BEEN PUT ON HOLD PENDING THE REFI OF MY CONDO IN COLORADO........ALL CRAP...MORE CRAP.....NOW MORE PRESSURE TO MOVE OUT AND DO IT QUICKLY AS... WELL...I JUST NEED TO. DON'T WANT TO WEAR OUT OUR WELCOME WHICH APPARENTLY I HAVE ALREADY DONE.

AND I DON'T THINK MY FAMILY (MINUS A FEW) WILL EVER TRULY UNDERSTAND NOAH LET ALONE EVEN WANT TO.......I AM TIRED OF THEM THINKING I AM JUST NOT CORRECTING HIM OR THAT HE WOULD EVEN LISTEN TO ME WHEN I DO CORRECT HIM. IT DOES NOT (I REPEAT "NOT" WORK THE SAME WITH AN AUTISTIC CHILD AS A REGULAR CHILD). SO WHAT....DOES THIS MEAN IN THE FUTURE I AVOID ALL FAMILY GET TOGETHERS? DOES THIS MEAN EVERYONE OR ANYONE WANTING TO SEE ME OR NOAH WOULD HAVE TO COME TO MY HOUSE AS NOAH DOES BETTER IN HIS OWN SURROUNDINGS AND ENVIRONMENT? DOES THIS EVEN MEAN WE WOULD EVEN HAVE ANY VISITORS? AND SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME...I LEFT COLORADO FOR WHAT WAS IT....OH that's right...FAMILY SUPPORT???? NO pressures......a break......time...peace...love......

GRANDMA KEEPS ASKING ME WHY DAD HAS NOT COME TO SEE NOAH AGAIN...."DOESN'T HE WANT TO?" "HE HAS ONLY SEEN HIM ONCE since you have been back" ...I TRY EXPLAINING IT TO GRANDMA.

MOM HAS COME A COUPLE OF TIMES TO VISIT BUT IT HAS ALWAYS ENDED A BIT STRESSFULLY. NOAH LOVES HER AND HER VISITS but I can see the wear and tear it takes even on her as she sits there and does not totally understand why Noah has to run up and PUSH the dryer with all his might or body slam into the wall or my lap for that matter let alone all the many other little things he does that are "quirky" but make him who he is.

Without my sister Becky and her partner Margaret I would most likely still be unloading my rental moving truck. I love them to death and so appreciate all they do AND THEIR VERBAL support for what I have done so far. FROM MARGARET nonetheless.....not even a blood relative. I don't think she knows it but I just fell in love with her that day she verbally offered her support for my decisions with Noah and how the move would or could be a "good thing" and she could see positive changes in Noah already. She GETS it and probably only cause she has an uncle who is autistic. I am telling you all unless you actually LIVE it you never really understand it.

My sister Melissa seems to get it.....my sister Angela seems to understand it and knows or seems to..how to deal with Noah....my nephew Alex is great with Noah.

I see the same look on some family faces I saw on Noah's prior teachers. They tend to wonder WHY he is acting like he is...think he is a spoiled brat....and/or are a bit more than just apprehensive possibly thinking he would intentionally hurt someone?

He has autism.. ..a brain disorder...something he will not get over. So yeah....you have a semi-fucked (okay...normally not in rant mode I would have said semi-abnormal) up family member now... goes along really well with his semi-fucked up mommy. (excuse my FRENCH)

He has sensory integration disorder (also something he will not get over).....hence the need to constantly seek sensory input from his environment....usually involving body contact of some sort.....this keeps him GROUNDED and is something he HAS to do....it is my job to constantly redirect him to find positive sources of that input.....ACCEPTABLE ones...

stimming.....repetitive motions...sounds...or combinations of the two....he will do just to COPE and be in MY WORLD.....

fits of frustration and crying...not understanding the WHY of it all.....Noah does not get WHY of anything......he has limited verbal skills though they are improving so his first instinctive reaction is always to lash out. He is improving and now knows you cannot lash out.....so he runs off to another room to TAKE DEEP breaths and try to calm down. Most find this a bit amusing...but laughing only makes it worse in the end as he thinks you are not taking him seriously or listening to him.

He has generalized anxiety disorder (also something he will have to learn to just DEAL with). so he worries about things like me not being able to love HIM as I would not have enough love to give to someone else. He is constantly anxious because he has to walk on freakin eggshells just to survive in MY freakin world. He worries about not getting a BIG BOY cup instead of a kid cup in a restaurant. He worries about not having the right combination of foods he likes.....he worries about the COLOR of things.....he worries about the smells.....this also overlaps his sensory problems and his autism. ALL play roles.

His hypotonia....low muscle tone.....yes everyone...he still has a problem wiping his own butt. Will he get it? Yes eventually...just like he is still doing physical therapy just to learn to hold a pencil correctly....or a toothbrush...or to button or unbutton buttons or snaps...zippers....I will have to teach him HOW TO FOLD and HOLD toilet paper to wipe his own butt. This has already been going on now for nearly 2 years. I KNOW he will eventually get it and I will never give up on him till he does!

To most it probably appears I am just sitting up here lazily chatting online and doing nothing about my situation. Between working and homeschooling Noah and all the upcoming changes in my personal life...and environment....I have little time to actually find a new place to move to. BUT as of today I am devoting myself to finding a place and quickly. I guess if I cannot find a place to buy soon enough...I will have to just rent for now. Just to ease the stress for all involved. Now I am finding out from my realtor that I have to have my current job for at least 90 days (which I do) before I can buy a house. I also have to have my former spouse sign off on crap......more crap...always GUARANTEED to have CRAP happen in your life....if nothing else it is the ONE constant I can depend on.....more crap to make things more trying....always testing...pushing me to the edge to see if what. ...I will JUMP off it again? NO freakin way will I....damn you! so back off crap! BACK OFF NOW!!!!! This is nothing but a refining process of ME....and I become STRONGER with each dose of additional CRAP you toss my way!!!!!

I cannot handle any more stress...I was on overload before arriving to Ohio. Some simple understanding would be great. I have always thought about everyone else and their feelings and what is best for them...and still tend to do so...but it sure would be nice for someone to show that they give a crap about me and Noah for a change. TONY...this does NOT include you as you DO show me you care all the time and then some!

I am not putting all this down to make anyone in my family mad. This is where I post my thoughts and feelings and rants....so I guess this is a semi-rant. Do I feel better? After bawling all morning at the complexity of my situation? NO.....I don't. BUT life goes on....I am strong......and I will get over it.

Dear Noah:

Well...I think this is what...week 3 since we have moved already? I see I need to change the clock here to Eastern Standard time. Feeling semi-depressed all of a sudden...not sure even why.

You are making the adjustment to living in Ohio very very well. You announced today that you want to stay in Ohio forever! You like all your new friends (family) and such! You are soooo loving it and are being a big boy...sleeping in your own bed at grandma's house!

Now my family has not been around you except like once a year...so....they do not really understand you and know all your quirks and what makes you tick! OR NOT.....

SO the past couple of weeks including yesterday....we have had a few major moments where you lost it.......and I tried to explain WHY......and I am not sure anyone really "gets it". I am sure some still think it is just you are a spoiled brat or something...which you are NOT. You truly cannot handle certain things well or process things well.

ANY change in your normal is overwhelming for you. While you handle these hiccups much better now than in the past, there are times where you still get overwhelmed and implode!

So...the family will have to slowly learn over time how you are...what sets you off and what makes you functionable...all time consuming. Most are more than willing to learn so that is a good thing.

Mommy is tired. Not sure why...so I am going to keep this short. Need to start looking for a house more seriously.....I have seen some houses even for rent. I really would prefer buying but....maybe renting would not be so bad either.

I love you

mommy

Dear Noah:

Well we are getting more settled all the time...even if it is all just temporary at grandma's house.

You have mentioned many times you are HAPPY now to be in Ohio....you had thought you were going to live in Colorado forever but now that you came here to play you are happy and want to stay here forever. Course you said you would also be open to moving again some day if we decide to do so.

Have not had much time to visit anyone....we have checked out a couple of houses.....all near a lake....very nice area.

Anyway......this is a short update...so much more to tell about but I have little time tonight.

I love you and you seem to be progressing quite nicely socially here though you have had a couple of times when you lost it.

LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

mommy

Noah Singing a short song he made up

http://media.putfile.com/Melinda-Napoletano_2_17_200612_37_08

Unloading Day-Feb 4-2006

General: Unloading day-February 4, 2006

Sun, Feb 05, 2006 At 08:39 AM


So Saturday the 4th was to be the day everyone came over to my storage locker to help me unload my 22 foot moving truck! My sister Becky and her love Margaret came over........cannot say enough about them both. SO amazing women and willing to do anything for you. Margaret is so cool and I love her so much. She just made me feel so good for the decisions I am making and offered nothing but total support, constant reassurance, and huge amounts of encouragement. She also offered up ALL of her muscle power with moving and unloading and was so QUICK to make some important decisions necessary to help me unload and move that trailer and my car..etc. SO without her and Becky's help I would most likely still be standing at the locker area trying to figure out what I was going to do to get my car off that trailer and the trailer then off my rental truck.

My brother-in-law Gary showed up with his son Alex....asking for nothing in return but there to offer huge amounts of help with hauling the stuff off my truck. MORE MUSCLE power which was great as my arms felt like they were about to fall off!

My sister Melissa came over with Audrey. I was very glad to see her too...and Audrey is such a trip! She is like a 50 year old woman in a 5 year old body! I was so THRILLED she was so wanting to be around me this time.....even eager to hug me and play with me or have me play with her. So we had a lot of fun playing and I even let her play hair stylist with my hair. I was on the sofa at mom and dad's and Audrey was standing behind me brushing my hair. She then grabbed a round brush and apparently got it stuck on the left side of my hair. Becky and Melissa were sitting across from me and once their mouths both dropped open to the floor simultaneously...I asked them "WHAT IS WRONG?" Audrey had grown silent and I figured something had happened. Well the round brush was tangled in my hair really badly. NONE of them could get it out. Audrey then leaned over, patted my arm and said quietly " I think we are just gonna have to let grandma cut this one out!". I got to laughing and said "No way!" or my entire left side of my hair would look like I had stepped out of the Edward Scissorhands movie.

SO I finally got the brush untangled. Dad snapped a few pics of me with Audrey and Noah in my lap. It was a great way to stay warm at mom and dad's house as they had it sooooo cold there with their thermostat and heat turned down. I said I liked it cold in a house but figured I would create STEAM if I peed in their toilet, which to me would mean it was way TOO chilly in the house! I glanced over at mom once and she was sitting in a recliner with her coat on pulled up to her ears saying "the only thing wrong with short hair is the fact that your ears get too cold". I kind of laughed and said I felt then the house was a bit too cold if you could do nothing but try to come up with new ways to stay warm while sitting around all the time. She went and got the space heaters out and we all huddled around it like the last campfire out in no man's land. I asked if she had any marshmallows, Hershey bars and graham crackers so we could roast them and make Smores by the glorious HEAT!!!!!!!!!! Their floor I do believe would be cold enough to freeze water in an ice cube tray (just kidding mom and dad).

BUT the unloading of the truck went well. AND FAST! Only about 1 1/2 hours to unload it all. I enjoyed the comments as they could not believe some of the stuff they pulled out of my truck. AND the quantity. They have all decided they will come to my house for a Christmas wrapping party as I have the most wrapping paper they have seen this side of Wal*Mart. I said sure come on! Amidst the moans and groans of "not more paper" to "you brought canned food??" to "I am starting to get depressed cause I still don't see the front of the truck" ....we all got the job done. AND it was not really that bad after all.

Then Gary and Alex had to leave....even though I was promising Pizzas for all.. They were cold, wet and tired. Becky and Margaret hauled my butt around and got me back to the Penske rental place and then to pick up the pizzas. Had the great visit at mom and dad's house and I finally got to try Melissa's chocolate cake. ALL yummy including the visit (minus frostbit ears and nose).

THEN Becky and Margaret stopped back at the locker to pick up more things I was going to bring to grandma's house for me and Noah. THEN they drove us back up here and helped bring it all in and after grandma about passed out with shock at seeing the stuff they helped me haul it all upstairs! SO again I cannot say enough about their help! Margaret is amazing as is Becky!

SO I took today off.....slept in a bit...was so nice. Grandma's house is so peaceful and quiet. Reminds me of when I was a little girl....the smells, sights and sounds. She has the room all fixed up so nice for me and Noah...and Noah is lovin sleeping in her antique sleigh bed all by himself!

Noah seems extremely happy. SO full of love for everyone and they are all enjoying it. Hugs and kisses to everyone involved and he is a joy. ALL such good home-cooked therapy for him! He has never had these social outlets before on a consistent basis so it is great.

I am still in my pajamas......some pumpkin spice coffee in hand....trying to get some things put away upstairs and make it look more organized.

Anyway........it is so great to be back online AND back home again.




I'm feeling: EXCITED!!

How the trip went

What can I say. Driving the 22 foot Penske truck was so much fun....including hauling the trailer! I had NO idea I was going to have an escort over half the way there.......that was a bit freaky but in reality also a nice feeling to know someone was covering my backside (so-to-speak). The mover/loaders came and were just what I wanted. TWO young energetic movin/loving men to run up and down the stairs with dollies loaded with my boxes. It only took them 1 1/2 hours to move it all onto the truck. They were excellent and fast! HAD I known however the end result of this move would have cost me the same to have someone else do the entire thing..I WOULD HAVE LET someone else do the entire thing!

Noah had a blast in the big Diesel truck. FUEL however was not cheap. To go 1200 miles I spent at least 400.00 for fuel alone. Another 1200.00 for the truck rental including all the extra insurance fees.....225.00 for the car carrier... and 227.00 for the 2 men movers/loaders. Anyway...it was an experience. Trying to "get away" from the source of problems was difficult as they chose to follow me! For at least the first 800 miles. Then I think they realized they would have to turn around and drive the entire way back....by themself....so it ended as abruptly and spontaneously as it all had started.

I unfortunately got into 2 predicaments where I had to back up the trailer even though Penske says NOT to do so. Thank goodness I was able to do so after all as once I had pulled into a lot at a motel that had no way around it......I said OUTLOUD...."I AM FUCKED NOW"....which of course is not how I would usually talk! haha. BUT........I was determined to get the crap out of the lot and back onto the interstate and keep driving so I made up my mind I WOULD back the thing up and get out of the lot and I DID.

A trip driving the truck. CLIMBING IN AND OUT of the truck another trip......so HIGH up there in the cab! HEE HEE. Anyway........we had great weather...hit rain then from Illinois on to Ohio.

Got to my storage locker place to rent a locker for my stuff. My sister Becky and Margaret came over to help me get my VUE off the trailer and the trailer off the back of the truck. EASY enough.....raining....all muddy, greasy and dirty black crap all over our hands and coats....but we did it. Decided to try to PUSH the trailer into my locker which had an opening of 104 inches and the trailer at the widest point was just over 102 inches, but we rolled it into the first part of the locker and then could not push the last 4 wheels up over the concrete lip into the locker. SO I got the Diesel back around and backed it up and re-hitched the trailer to the truck and I BACKED UP AGAIN and moved the trailer into the locker. IF ANYONE could have been filming it! I should have let Noah film it as it had to be hilarious...3 strong women trying to move this huge trailer that I believe said weighed over 4000 pounds empty....on a slight hill......at least I found out how incredibly strong we all were and that had amazingly stronger legs! hahaahah.. We were all practically doing the horizontal bop with the trailer in the lot.

Back to my grandma's the next day I opened the back of the truck and all my boxes and tubs had fallen down all over..some had anyway......what a mess. I was able to get my PC and a few things out that were not completely buried and upstairs here at my grandma's house...today they came back and installed my high speed internet.....

SEEN quite a few relatives already. Love staying here at grandma's. Always peaceful and quiet and a great way to rest and re-energize. I said I missed the rain and I have gotten plenty of that since driving back...3 States worth and then all last night. Was wonderful to be able to hear it raining and drift off. Noah also is so lovable to mom and grandma and his great uncle Sonny...anyone so far that has come into the house.

Tomorrow if I can MOVE my body I am to meet everyone over at the locker to unload. I am sure once they see the INSIDES of this truck they will all freak and go running as fast as they can! I HOPE to bribe them with a pizza party or something afterwards! Maybe telling my tale would be enough enticement to all to hang around. I have no idea. I am sure I could do an entire week on Oprah.

So unloading day tomorrow...cannot wait to dump the Penske and trailer and be done with that. WILL HIRE MOVERS more than likely any NEXT time I move. No matter even if across the street!

So.....without going into tons of detail...I guess that is a highlight. The trip went well. Noah did great. I arrived in one piece....a bit sore but am here. Some final things to tie up but...........I KNOW it will all get done and work out. It is nice to be in a place where I can let some stress go and get some rest!

We Made IT!!!!!!!

We made the drive across country.....got unloaded and are now settling into my grandmother's home.



Noah seems to be settling in very quickly here at grandma's house. He has been very loveable and full of hugs and kisses for everyone....so grandma is soaking it up as the last few times we had visited he did not want anyone to touch him.



He loves her antique sleigh bed which he again has picked as HIS bed....



So many things around her home that brings back incredible memories. I thought she had gotten rid of her old button basket we used to play with as kids but I came across it in the room upstairs where we are staying.



SO many paintings hanging in antique frames all over the house...almost reminds me of those you find in a museum!






She has fixed up a great area for me and Noah to set up our PCs and work areas



all in all it has been a fantastic way to come home once again......and feel calm and peace for a change. The house is so cozy and quiet. We are really enjoying ourselves.

MOVING DAY!!!

okay..I rented a big 22 foot truck and car carrier. I have the truck almost loaded...and once it is done we will head over to get the car carrier. A bit nervous though I think driving it will be fine...just a lot different than anything else I have ever driven before.

Noah you are sooo excited about taking a trip in a big truck like this and sitting up front with Mommy! Should be fun. I love you and we will take our time and be careful.

We will see you all next once we have arrived safely in Ohio!

Dear Noah:

You are doing so well lately with all the chaos in our home....especially with the upcoming move. I know you are excited and yet anxious about it as well. Mommy has been so busy with everything that I have not had much time for you which really bothers me a lot and makes me feel guilty. I have not even had time to do any school work with you at home. With all the turmoil in the home and some that has continued from time to time when you have seen you daddy........things have been very unsettling to say the least.

Today we met Daddy for lunch.....he proceeded to tell us how he had applied for a job transfer to Columbus, OH..........which is great for you if he does change and no longer poses a threat to your sanity and emotional well being among other possible things. NOT so great in my book.

AFTER lunch you wanted to go to a park to play. MY first thoughts were "I don't have TIME to take you to the park today" ....thinking about all the things I have at home yet to do. I raised my voice as I started to freak out at even the idea of going to the park......you started crying........I then quickly realized I HAD to MAKE time to take you....we BOTH needed to get outside.....to breathe...relax......soak up all the positive energies out there in the natural environment as we breathed out all our toxic energies from within.

SO I took you to a new park I discovered about 2 weeks ago. You had fun.....some other kids came over to play from the nearby school. You were excited about the prospect of being able to play with them today. However, just 4 days ago you totally FREAKED when other kids arrived at a local McDonald's play area to play as you wanted the entire place to yourself...controlled environment...all about control. Too many kids...too much sound...noise...no control...you lose it.

At the park today you stayed away from the kids who were a bit older than you. You asked if you could go to the toddler area to play. A little girl and smaller boy were there playing...a brother/sister team. You tried interacting with them...running after them.....mimicking them and their actions and words.....I finally heard the boy say to you "do you have to follow us everywhere?" The little sister said "shhhhh". They sat there just staring at you. I am watching all this from a distance...waiting to see what would happen. Usually you can find someone (usually MUCH YOUNGER) that you click with. It did not appear that was going to happen today. BUT this did not seem to bother you much. That is one thing about autism...you can be very aloof to actions and words around you...especially hurtful ones. In fact sometimes you do not even know when someone is not being nice to you. SO you sat on the sand beside the boy and girl....in your own little world.....smiling....occasionally shaking your entire head and body into a contortionist maneuver........without a care in the world. The little boy and girl left...once again you were all alone. You came over to me and said "mommy I need a friend". BEFORE you could think about it long enough to cry and then obssess about it I told you that was one reason we were moving back to Ohio..so you could be closer to family and friends to do things with. You smiled...and were ready to leave. Today you were very uncoordinated...I think your braces in your shoes were bothering you or you need bigger shoes..something.

Then it all hit me. Watching you at the park...all by yourself...an all too familiar site since we have been here in Colorado. I was YOU before you were born...now we are the same ..together but still always alone.....never having anyone else to do things with.....no places to go to........our own world always.....secluded...totally isolated...which was no mistake on your daddy's part. BUT I also allowed it for whatever dumb reason I made myself believe.

I realized we have lived here for 8 1/2 years...and you have been ALL alone........all the time. You have cried about me getting you a baby brother or sister....you went through your Dick and Jane books wanting to have other kids to play with to PRETEND to be Dick and Jane...which is HUGE for you to even think about PRETENDING anything. You have finally learned to play with other kids and want it...and now most older kids or ones you age don't seem to always want much to do with you.

I sat there.....under the the cold winter/gray sky.........wind blowing....watching you. Sitting in the sand....aloof........happy yet with deep sadness within your heart. My heart was breaking watching you.... finally wanting to play with other kids...and the same kids rejecting you. I am just thankful you did not realize it.

I will love you forever and always Noah.........

Mommy

Boxes Boxes Everywhere

Surprisingly....Noah...you are handling the packing pretty well. EVERYTHING is out of order in our home. We have stacks of boxes sitting all over the place. NOTHING is normal in our routine. EVERYTHING is out of sync...and yet you have done very well. Other than your lips being extremely dry and cracking/bleeding recently......and you looking a bit peaked...you are doing super.

You seem excited about the move to Ohio....but at the same time you have sad moments where you say "I will never get to see the mountains again" and you start crying. I can understand this as I also have twinges of sadness with leaving the beautiful State of Colorado. I am and have always been drawn to the West. Not exactly sure WHY....but I have. Colorado has always felt more like home to me than my home State of Ohio. Oh well...the way I look at it...we go back to Ohio...if we like it we stay. IF not...if a yearning or drive is still there...we can always move again right?

DO NOT ask me now however about moving again. This has been one of the most overwhelming times of my life. With everything else happening and trying to pack and get ready to move and then actually drive the entire 1200 miles back...just YOU and ME.....well..what can I say but SIGH..........so...with that...I need to feed you yet again. You MUST be going through a growth spurt as you are always hungry these days.

I love you my little man.

Mommy

Noah was a runner up

I entered this picture of Noah





in the Autistic Spectrum quarterly magazine contest to appear on the cover...he is a runner up but they wanted permission to put his picture in their Feb. 2006 magazine with the other runner ups...and they wanted to know some of his interests...also....they are apparently going to make a video and have all the runner ups in the video too............which they will use for conferences and educational purposes.

I thought that was pretty cool!

Dear Noah:

So.....Saturday January 21, 2006 will be the first time you have spent AWAY from ME. Daddy came by today to take you for a ride in his new Saturn Vue. ....which he says he got so when he takes trips to Ohio to VISIT YOU...he can be more comfortable on the ride there..etc. AND he also did it to finance another vehicle in order to get my name OFF the loan for the car he had...which is a good thing....as I needed to have my name removed from that loan...as I will the condo...so I can be free to buy a HOUSE for us.

SO........we went to the store...where before we left you proceeded to tell me that you "needed" to go to Daddy's hotel room and spend the night. I figured Daddy put you up to asking this but apparently he did not. I could not think of a reason to tell you as to why you should NOT go....not a reason I could tell an innocent 7 year old little boy. I did not want to tell you WHY I did not want Daddy taking you off by himself somewhere.....and my fears or worries as to how he might say things to you that would upset you..etc. How he can be an ass and manipulate you.......etc. No little boy or girl for that matter needs to hear those things about their mommy or daddy even if they are true.

Was I afraid to let you go? YES ...part of me was terrified. I know the types of things Daddy has said to you the last few times he has been around you and that was even WITH ME here....so I was afraid of what MIGHT happen when he had you alone in his hotel room. Daddy also does not really know how to DEAL sometimes with you and your autism....always still relying on me to help you calm down if you have a "moment". Daddy does not know enough about you to know what you might like to eat or why. Daddy seems to have to be walked through everything step by step as far as feeding you, clothing you, everything. I guess cause he never really involved himself a lot with your personal cares.

Anyway......because I could not think of a reason I could use to tell you as to why you could NOT go I let you. I packed you an overnight bag....and showed you what was in it and why. I explained RULES for you while gone. I looked at you standing so excited at the doorway and said out loud before I caught myself "I don't know what I will do here without you" which prompted you to come over to me......almost in tears....and place my cheeks of my face between your cupped hands and say to me "mommy....I will just be gone for ONE night...and then I will be back tomorrow and you can see me tomorrow" and you kissed me and hugged me. I acted like this was a fabulous idea even though I felt part of me was being torn away from me forever.

I hugged you back and kissed you and told you to have a fabulous time. I told your daddy if he pulled any stunts like he had been one more time with you...that I would do whatever is necessary to make sure he did not ever see you again unsupervised.

Not even halfway to the hotel you had daddy dial my number to call me. You wanted to make sure mommy was not sad. Once you heard I was fine ....you were more excited to continue your journey to the hotel.

Once we hung up the phone I bawled like a baby. Worried for you....but also at a loss as you were no longer here. The FIRST TIME in SEVEN YEARS I have ever been separated from you for anything.....for an entire day let alone overnight..etc.

I also started to feel bad as I had made a word to myself that I would not let daddy take you on unsupervised visits anywhere and I broke my word by allowing you to go. However...I also know legally I can do nothing to stop him from his visitation with you as legally he has every right to seeing you and having you every other weekend. Something that I will have to accept and get over whether I like it or not.

I realized I HAVE TO LET you go more often to things you might want to. This is good for any child to learn that kind of independence and no fear of being away from MOMMY or daddy. It is especially good for an autistic child. I can see where I have been very over protective because of your autism and afraid of what MIGHT happen if you were in someone else's care that I just never allowed that scenario to come up. This is not healthy for any child I suppose let alone an autistic child. It is my job as a parent to bring you up so you can be independent one day and not dependent on others for your care and emotional well being. I can't make myself a crutch for you forever. I cannot hold you back. I have to prepare you for the world one day on your own if I am a good parent. I have to accept that YOU are only mine for a very short time and are never really mine at all.....you are your own person with your own thoughts, desires and wishes...and you should WANT to have your own life....not one that just revolves around Mommy.

So.......you called later before bedtime to tell me goodnight. You sounded like all was well and you were having such a good time. I felt more at ease and better about my decision to let you go.

I did not get anything accomplished here in the house like I could have with you gone. I found the house disturbingly quiet and eerie with you not here. I was definitely at a loss.

I did finally sleep .......and this morning you called again.....all happy and excited...wanting to tell me that you wanted to stay there all day today......play with daddy....and spend the night again..and then MONDAY sometime come home. I decided that would be fine as long as all was going well.

So I just had breakfast. You are having a blast away from me. I THINK perhaps your daddy is trying to act like an adult around you for once....and now I have the entire house free again today and tonight...which means I could get a LOT of packing and work done.

SO.........I am still in my jammies.......coffee in hand.....feeling a tad better about my choices for you and finally realizing that PERHAPS I CAN let you go visit someone or spend the night with a cousin and not be worried or upset the entire time. The last time I was ever anywhere alone or with a friend without you would have to be 7 years ago...before you were born. ...as since I have just NOT done it.

SO I eliminated the stress of not having to move TOMORROW....but then experienced different stress by allowing you to spend the weekend with your daddy. BUT I do feel this could be a positive experience for us all....

meanwhile I am checking out some houses online that might be options to buy. I even found one up around St. Mary's Ohio near Grand Lake St. Mary's that might be wonderful. I know I know.....we don't have any family living in that area....but we would still be close enough to visit them or them us..etc.

Anyway Noah....mommy loves you to the moon and back again, forever and ever...and I always will.

Mommy

Dear Noah:

Well after an entire weekend went by without your daddy even bothering to pick up the phone to call you...after he supposedly keeps telling me and everyone else how he loves you so much and needs to be with you all the time and wanted to see you daily if possible prior to our moving to Ohio......I have realized that he will indeed follow his typical pattern yet once again.

This proved true yesterday. He called about 2 1/2 hours prior to when he would have to leave for work. Wanted to bring lunch over for you and him and play. I said fine. He asked if I wanted lunch too and I said NO. He came over and you two ate lunch...played a couple of games..but Daddy was all too antsy to get out of the house. He acted like it was a huge pain in his butt to sit and play with you for any length of time. I now know WHY he did not come over this weekend. Heaven forbid he would have to spend a few HOURS with you.

SO as usual right before he was going to go he got you to crying...about the game Trouble. You had won 1 game and he had won 1 game and you were trying to tell him you wanted 5 more minutes to play a tie breaker. Daddy never let you get those words out as he got mad and said if you were going to act like that he was going to leave. Once again finding ANY reason or excuse to not do something he did not really want to be doing to begin with.

SO he was going to leave and you were standing in the hallway crying and telling me you wanted to tell Daddy something. I screamed at him to LISTEN to you...and told him he could at least spare 10 more minutes to play a tie breaking game (and to let you win)!

So you went off to the bedroom to play. While there you had your trusty little camera recorder recording you and daddy playing Trouble. I have never seen daddy move so fast in his life! He was SO TRYING to rush the game and get it over with quickly. It was incredible and the camera does not lie there.

On his way out Daddy and I got into it. AND true to daddy he once again is now trying to put the blame on everything on my shoulders...and use that as an excuse to NOT come to Ohio to live....which is not too suprising. ONCE I informed him there was NO CHANCE IN HELL we would ever get back together he backed off. I think he MAY finally understand at least that. SO I told him if he wanted to come to Ohio FOR YOU that was one thing..but if he wanted to come to Ohio thinking a delusional thought that there would be some chance of reconciliation between us two he should reconsider the move..as that was never going to happen. AND I told him I could NOT promise I would live in Ohio forever. SO then what...was he planning on following me around forever? What if I moved to a different state where he could not get a transfer. SO...I think this has caused him to re-evaluate his situation.

Now he left crying that I was taking his son away and he would never get to be a father...blah blah blah...and I told him if he wanted to be your father he could do whatever it took to make sure he stayed involved in your life...etc. He accused me of talking bad about him to you or my family......and that he could never come to Ohio now as he would have NO ONE there......(Guess he forgot about you-the reason FOR his moving to Ohio). He could not imagine being in Ohio knowing all my family might think ill of him...etc.

Amazing how he assumed I would, could and SHOULD move and give up all to be with him here in Colorado 8 years ago.

Anyway.......he is just grasping for any excuse now to basically justify his obvious changing of his mind in regards to moving to Ohio. PERSONALLY I would prefer he NOT be in Ohio. NOT pester me or you. ONLY come for visits....and I imagine over time he will even lessen those. I imagine he will dive head first deeper into his work and eventually time will slip away and he may see very little of you.

He still tried to manipulate you and me yesterday. He still managed to upset you and have you screaming and crying. BUT you on the videotape clearly said this "thank you for stopping by"....daddy did not acknowledge you and you repeated "thank you for coming by today"...so sweetly and innocently.

I told you later nothing was your fault. Daddy was sick and sometimes said many things that were wrong and made mommy mad. BUT no matter what...we would always love you and this means even when we live in separate homes. You seemed to feel better. I erased the clip after I saved it...but it is very disturbing to listen to now. Things are so clear....the problems are huge...and you my son were sitting in the hallway capturing every second. NO ONE should have to experience this kind of crap.

SO without delving into it much further...suffice to say that I can already see your daddy pulling back. Using other people and things as excuses to justify his staying here in Colorado. Only time will tell I suppose what will truly happen. So we will see.

Meanwhile we pack....and more quickly...as I feel the need to get out of Dodge even sooner than before.

I love you my little man...more than you could ever possibly know.

Mommy

Wondering what you are thinking about..........you so love swinging...just like I used to...funny..now it makes me want to puke! hahaaha 

having fun......... 

Noah and I took a drive today...a Sunday cruise on a Friday....on the way back we found a huge cool park...it was so nice it even had an outdoor skating rink!!!! Here he is swinging 

Dear Noah:

Well so far we have not heard back about that house. SO perhaps that one is not meant to be. I would like to get a slightly larger house than smaller one..and one with some land would be nice.

Your daddy did it again. He was with you alone only minutes....and yet managed to tell you when he saw me on the phone...that I was "talking to the devil". We had met at your occupational therapy visit............which I felt would be fine. Next thing it is over and we needed to run to Super Target which is not even half a mile away. Your daddy came up to me and told me YOU were riding with him in his car. I did not want to let you go alone with him...for fear he would say something to you again..to upset you or make you feel bad or worry. Then I kinda thought what could he possibly say in a 5 minute drive?

So I decided to make a quick call to a friend in Ohio on the way over. Returning a call. Once we pulled up to Target I was not quite done with the call..so rather than have you and daddy wait outside for me to finish since it was soo windy...you went inside without me.

(jump forward to later that night when I picked up the phone to make another call)....You came running out of your room.....saw me...started to cry and said "MOMMY...DON'T GET ON THE PHONE...DON'T CALL THE DEVIL!!"

I was stunned....thinking..NOT again....as your daddy has mentioned to you before that MOMMY had the DEVIL in her heart and various other absurdities.

SO I proceeded to ask you what? You said again "don't call the devil!" I asked you if you knew who the devil was and you said "he is the bad angel". I asked you who told you I was calling the devil? You said "daddy". SO...you then proceeded to tell me that ON the way INTO Target while daddy and you were waiting for me to finish my phone call...that he told you this "mommy is not happy right now...she is talking to her boyfriend....talking to the devil...this is all the devil's doing"...on and on.....praying outloud around you apparently to BIND SATAN from our family....etc....

No wonder you were terrified. I told you that you don't just pick up a phone and call the devil. That daddy was sick and did not always THINK about what he was saying before saying things and that what he said was WRONG!

I have since talked to Daddy. After some prodding he DID admit to saying all these things to you yet AGAIN.....and even more...questioning you..."who is mommy talking to??" so much crap.....and I would like to know WHEN I became the one supposedly doing anything wrong to begin with? It has never been about me doing things I was not supposed to be doing.

Reminds me of the night he lost it when I was talking to my friend Cheryl in OHio and he once again thought I was talking to a MAN.....and he lost it. Started pressing his ears up against the doors while I was locked in the bathroom for privacy so I could talk. I caught him at least 5 times in a row doing this...hiding like a caged in rat caught in a trap.....trying not to be seen but so afraid he was going to miss something. Desperation...not thinking clearly or rationally at all...accusing me of so much crap.....not sure why....basically acting temporarily insane.

ALL in front of you...all so your ears could hear.

I told daddy today that he cannot keep using you like this....cannot keep telling you things over and over and over.....things not true.....things he only suspects....his worries....prayers out loud about Satan...etc. He did admit to all these things and more.....it is no wonder I do not want him around you by himself right now. You are just now 7 years old...way too little for this kind of crap.

So.......I contacted the pastors and his therapists and everyone else I could think of. Hopefully he will continue to take his meds and get the help he so obviously needs.

Meanwhile we have more packing to do....and need to move even more quickly than before if possible. My family does not know the entire full story about all the crap we have been dealing with for so very long now. I chose not to tell them so they would not worry. BUT the time has come to start sharing some of this...so they won't think mommy only made the decisions she has because of someone in my life now or because I am imaging things or because I am just "in a mood" and will end up changing my mind "yet again" and stay here with daddy..etc. This has been so long in coming.....should have made this change so many YEARS ago. ANYONE I have in my life supporting me through all this now my family should be thankful for...not blaming them for any problems happening in our home as that is just not the case at all. In fact the few friends I do have...truly care about you and me Noah....and they are doing their best to keep us safe and protect us. Even from a distance.

I love you so....and don't worry Noah...Mommy is NOT talking to the devil on the phone!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

here is the backyard...part of the 6 acres!