Dear Noah:

Well so far we have not heard back about that house. SO perhaps that one is not meant to be. I would like to get a slightly larger house than smaller one..and one with some land would be nice.

Your daddy did it again. He was with you alone only minutes....and yet managed to tell you when he saw me on the phone...that I was "talking to the devil". We had met at your occupational therapy visit............which I felt would be fine. Next thing it is over and we needed to run to Super Target which is not even half a mile away. Your daddy came up to me and told me YOU were riding with him in his car. I did not want to let you go alone with him...for fear he would say something to you again..to upset you or make you feel bad or worry. Then I kinda thought what could he possibly say in a 5 minute drive?

So I decided to make a quick call to a friend in Ohio on the way over. Returning a call. Once we pulled up to Target I was not quite done with the call..so rather than have you and daddy wait outside for me to finish since it was soo windy...you went inside without me.

(jump forward to later that night when I picked up the phone to make another call)....You came running out of your room.....saw me...started to cry and said "MOMMY...DON'T GET ON THE PHONE...DON'T CALL THE DEVIL!!"

I was stunned....thinking..NOT again....as your daddy has mentioned to you before that MOMMY had the DEVIL in her heart and various other absurdities.

SO I proceeded to ask you what? You said again "don't call the devil!" I asked you if you knew who the devil was and you said "he is the bad angel". I asked you who told you I was calling the devil? You said "daddy". SO...you then proceeded to tell me that ON the way INTO Target while daddy and you were waiting for me to finish my phone call...that he told you this "mommy is not happy right now...she is talking to her boyfriend....talking to the devil...this is all the devil's doing"...on and on.....praying outloud around you apparently to BIND SATAN from our family....etc....

No wonder you were terrified. I told you that you don't just pick up a phone and call the devil. That daddy was sick and did not always THINK about what he was saying before saying things and that what he said was WRONG!

I have since talked to Daddy. After some prodding he DID admit to saying all these things to you yet AGAIN.....and even more...questioning you..."who is mommy talking to??" so much crap.....and I would like to know WHEN I became the one supposedly doing anything wrong to begin with? It has never been about me doing things I was not supposed to be doing.

Reminds me of the night he lost it when I was talking to my friend Cheryl in OHio and he once again thought I was talking to a MAN.....and he lost it. Started pressing his ears up against the doors while I was locked in the bathroom for privacy so I could talk. I caught him at least 5 times in a row doing this...hiding like a caged in rat caught in a trap.....trying not to be seen but so afraid he was going to miss something. Desperation...not thinking clearly or rationally at all...accusing me of so much crap.....not sure why....basically acting temporarily insane.

ALL in front of you...all so your ears could hear.

I told daddy today that he cannot keep using you like this....cannot keep telling you things over and over and over.....things not true.....things he only suspects....his worries....prayers out loud about Satan...etc. He did admit to all these things and more.....it is no wonder I do not want him around you by himself right now. You are just now 7 years old...way too little for this kind of crap.

So.......I contacted the pastors and his therapists and everyone else I could think of. Hopefully he will continue to take his meds and get the help he so obviously needs.

Meanwhile we have more packing to do....and need to move even more quickly than before if possible. My family does not know the entire full story about all the crap we have been dealing with for so very long now. I chose not to tell them so they would not worry. BUT the time has come to start sharing some of this...so they won't think mommy only made the decisions she has because of someone in my life now or because I am imaging things or because I am just "in a mood" and will end up changing my mind "yet again" and stay here with daddy..etc. This has been so long in coming.....should have made this change so many YEARS ago. ANYONE I have in my life supporting me through all this now my family should be thankful for...not blaming them for any problems happening in our home as that is just not the case at all. In fact the few friends I do have...truly care about you and me Noah....and they are doing their best to keep us safe and protect us. Even from a distance.

I love you so....and don't worry Noah...Mommy is NOT talking to the devil on the phone!

XOXOXOXOXOXO