Dear Noah:

You are doing so well lately with all the chaos in our home....especially with the upcoming move. I know you are excited and yet anxious about it as well. Mommy has been so busy with everything that I have not had much time for you which really bothers me a lot and makes me feel guilty. I have not even had time to do any school work with you at home. With all the turmoil in the home and some that has continued from time to time when you have seen you daddy........things have been very unsettling to say the least.

Today we met Daddy for lunch.....he proceeded to tell us how he had applied for a job transfer to Columbus, OH..........which is great for you if he does change and no longer poses a threat to your sanity and emotional well being among other possible things. NOT so great in my book.

AFTER lunch you wanted to go to a park to play. MY first thoughts were "I don't have TIME to take you to the park today" ....thinking about all the things I have at home yet to do. I raised my voice as I started to freak out at even the idea of going to the park......you started crying........I then quickly realized I HAD to MAKE time to take you....we BOTH needed to get outside.....to breathe...relax......soak up all the positive energies out there in the natural environment as we breathed out all our toxic energies from within.

SO I took you to a new park I discovered about 2 weeks ago. You had fun.....some other kids came over to play from the nearby school. You were excited about the prospect of being able to play with them today. However, just 4 days ago you totally FREAKED when other kids arrived at a local McDonald's play area to play as you wanted the entire place to yourself...controlled environment...all about control. Too many kids...too much sound...noise...no control...you lose it.

At the park today you stayed away from the kids who were a bit older than you. You asked if you could go to the toddler area to play. A little girl and smaller boy were there playing...a brother/sister team. You tried interacting with them...running after them.....mimicking them and their actions and words.....I finally heard the boy say to you "do you have to follow us everywhere?" The little sister said "shhhhh". They sat there just staring at you. I am watching all this from a distance...waiting to see what would happen. Usually you can find someone (usually MUCH YOUNGER) that you click with. It did not appear that was going to happen today. BUT this did not seem to bother you much. That is one thing about autism...you can be very aloof to actions and words around you...especially hurtful ones. In fact sometimes you do not even know when someone is not being nice to you. SO you sat on the sand beside the boy and girl....in your own little world.....smiling....occasionally shaking your entire head and body into a contortionist maneuver........without a care in the world. The little boy and girl left...once again you were all alone. You came over to me and said "mommy I need a friend". BEFORE you could think about it long enough to cry and then obssess about it I told you that was one reason we were moving back to Ohio..so you could be closer to family and friends to do things with. You smiled...and were ready to leave. Today you were very uncoordinated...I think your braces in your shoes were bothering you or you need bigger shoes..something.

Then it all hit me. Watching you at the park...all by yourself...an all too familiar site since we have been here in Colorado. I was YOU before you were born...now we are the same ..together but still always alone.....never having anyone else to do things with.....no places to go to........our own world always.....secluded...totally isolated...which was no mistake on your daddy's part. BUT I also allowed it for whatever dumb reason I made myself believe.

I realized we have lived here for 8 1/2 years...and you have been ALL alone........all the time. You have cried about me getting you a baby brother or sister....you went through your Dick and Jane books wanting to have other kids to play with to PRETEND to be Dick and Jane...which is HUGE for you to even think about PRETENDING anything. You have finally learned to play with other kids and want it...and now most older kids or ones you age don't seem to always want much to do with you.

I sat there.....under the the cold winter/gray sky.........wind blowing....watching you. Sitting in the sand....aloof........happy yet with deep sadness within your heart. My heart was breaking watching you.... finally wanting to play with other kids...and the same kids rejecting you. I am just thankful you did not realize it.

I will love you forever and always Noah.........

Mommy