my so-called BRILLIANT plan

okay....so I decided to try to get up really super early again to start working here at home. Yeah right. This means going to bed when Noah goes to bed......or around 10:00 PM. Okay..that is easy enough.

THEN it means getting up in time to START work by 3:00 AM! Yeah......before Noah was born I switched to a night shift so I could work when he slept so I could have more time with him during the day. YES...this means I have been chronically sleep deprived for about 7 years now.

However....since moving back to Ohio from Colorado.......the time change messed me up. I found I could no longer easily GET UP and STAY UP at 2:30 a.m. and get by on 3-4 or even 5 hours of sleep! YES...I required MORE. AND let's face it. SEVEN years have gone by.....my body just cannot always keep up to the HIGH demands I make on it.

SO......since I have a harder time getting things accomplished without distractions once Noah is awake (and NO I am NOT blaming him).......I decided to try working in the wee hours again. Well....I did successfully do this TWICE thus far this week. However....I am now soooooo exhausted......too tired to even sleep. I could be taking a nap but I am too tired to fall asleep.

This messes with the clarity of my mind. Safety issues surmount. I nearly burned the place down today after I turned on a skillet with oil in it to fry some chicken tenders for Noah and got distracted by him in the bedroom and came out to see the place all SMOKEY and the pan nearly ready to burst into flames. These are things I NEVER do......well......cannot say NEVER anymore now can I?>?

yep......this is when you make stupid stupid mistakes that can be deadly. I am not going to even attempt driving anywhere. I am like a walking zombie.

It also toys with my thoughts......or LACK thereof. I can be grumpier.......yeah.......even BITCHY at times I suppose and more easily TICKED off at things that normally do not bother me.

I look in the mirror and I see a really tired person staring back at me...asking me......."WHY are you trying to do this again?" It does no one any good. I have no energy to complete the tasks here at home I must.....including homeschooling Noah. I feel pretty worthless. I feel like a really bad mom.......worse teacher..........provider......NONE of the above.

I also feel like a crappy girlfriend....who wants to put up with my shit while I do nothing but complain about their shit?

SHIT...I have said SHIT now how many times? MY grasp of the English language has gone to hell in a hand basket.