Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Dear Noah:

Well your daddy did finally decide to make the drive by himself across country to come in for a visit. He also wanted to surprise we did not tell you he was coming. First off you were still recovering from the overload this past weekend at the Halloween party. SO you have been a bit tired and semi-touchier than usual.

Anyway.....once Daddy was here he called from the driveway of our home...I said I would send you out to get the mail. I wish I would have recorded your reaction it was so precious! You opened the door to go get the mail.......looked behind you and up at the sky as usual.....checking out the day and getting ready to make a comment on how the weather looked for us for the night......when you started to turn around and looked toward the driveway and you saw Daddy there! You squealed with such delight and excitement....went running to him and lept into his arms and wrapped your arms and legs around his body and held on for dear life shouting "I didn't know you were coming!!" "I did't know you were here!" "OH I am SO EXCITED!" You were so happy I think you almost started crying. I know it about made me cry.

Once all of us came back inside you noticed Daddy and I talking to each other "fine". You came over and placed both of your hands on either side of my cheeks and asked me "so mommy are you happy now?" I asked you what you meant........and then you said something to the effect that you apparently had noticed I was talking to Daddy just fine and we were getting along OKAY and did not sound MAD anymore or yelling at each other...etc. I made it clear that while we were NOT mad at each other.....we also were not getting back together as we could not live together. BUT that we both loved you very much and we could always do things together......but not live together. I asked if you understood and you said you did and quickly moved on to other things. You could not wait to go spend the next couple of days with Daddy in the hotel!

Course I called today to see how you were doing. Daddy had tried taking you to a McDonalds to play in the play area and for breakfast. I rarely if ever do that anymore as a confined play area that echoes the sounds in the room made by kids is not easy for you to handle. In fact you just do not normally handle it well at all these days so I purposefully avoid those places. BUT you were started coming got louder and did not want to share this certain play area toy with anyone else.......and of course another child wanted to play with it too. This upset you....and apparently you had a meltdown. we go again. You were telling Daddy you wished you could have the entire play area to yourself! You wished you were the ONLY BOY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.....BUT you were also overloaded......have been for a few days now......and this is the time of year you get overloaded so easily. I guess it is not Daddy's fault ......he has not been around you recently to know you could not handle this. SO he apparently got you calmed down enough to finally leave. I am sure this exhausted you.

You spent the day together and when I called you did NOT want to talk to me on the phone. Which is fine......I had Daddy hold the phone down to you anyway so I could talk to you. You accept this method. SO I told you I loved you and missed you but was glad you were having a good time with Daddy. It is all about staying safe too......I cannot express that enough.

Tomorrow night we were supposed to go to a parade downtown and then trick or treating to the local merchants afterwards....but it is supposed to rain. Our city we lived in out in Colorado is under a blizzard watch......amazing.......sounds like they will get dumped on. I imagine we will get too much rain tomorrow and tomorrow night to go to any parade...but we will see. We will at some point all end up together and have some time together. Unfortunately for you Daddy has to go back on Friday it will only be a couple day visit for you.

Anyway....I am tired tonight. The house feels so disturbingly quiet and strange without you here. SO depressing. I realized I truly function FOR YOU. Without you here I am at a loss. AND it is not like I do not have things needing done...but I can scarcely concentrate on much these days let alone not think about you or wondering about you long enough to actually accomplish anything. Does this get any easier I wonder the older you get? AND even if I had another person living here with me now.......then what. It all comes back to "what's it all really about anyway?"

Seems I know at least one purpose I was put here on be here for YOU and to help you. Otherwise lately I am at a loss.

I love you so much Noah Wesley. I miss you an incredible amount and you have only been away for 24 hours. I think I have called you about 4 times.



kyra said...

fluffy has the exact same tendency, to want to be the only boy in the world! to want things all to himself! it's very overwhelming for him to deal with the input of other kids, especially in an enclosed environment where the noises bounce all over.

i'm SO GLAD noah's daddy came for a visit and that they are having this special time together. hang in there! you are doing great! you are such an amazing, loving, strong, capable mommy for noah. and all those things for yourself too.

Cathy said...

I know what you mean about functioning "for" him and the quite you feel around when he isn't there. I hope you can use your downtime and do something you have wanted to do in a while and couldn't.