Sunday, October 15, 2006

Dear Noah:


We went to our grandma C.'s house on Friday cause that was the day of my final court hearing for my divorce to get "unmarried" as you said so eloquently the other night. I did decide to try to explain to you what I was doing....and I think you understood it all pretty well.

SO we spent the day at grandma's house and my mom (your grandma Lincoln) was also there and some of my uncles showed up later. It was a nice visit but my one uncle erased a picture you had drawn on your magnadoodle and had been waiting patiently till we had finished talking so you could show it to him. I could see you were getting a bit distressed as this uncle CAN tease and his teasing with you is not ever going to be a good mix. I tried explaining a couple of times he could not do those things to you but he did not get it Iguess. HE DID understand however when he erased your picture without even giving you a chance to show it to him or talk about it...cause you totally lost it. We could not even think about implementing the CALM DOWN book routine as you were already past the point of no return in this MAJOR meltdown. I sat there and could see the rage building.....now we have worked really hard on how to handle that rage and express it in a positive way......but again....you were over the limit.......so you stood there......got really rigid.......red......shook......and then you started slapping both of his hands over and over and over really hard........and you pushed his hands.......and slapped them again........stomped your feet......came to me....started crying sooooo hard. It took forever for you to recover from this and for me to redirect how you SHOULD have reacted .......what to do the next time....etc. Our normal routine for such events.

Course my uncle later said "wow....that's the first time I ever saw him act like that!!!!"

what did he think? I had tried warning him. There are times I honestly think they all think you are just a normal little kid ......till something like this happens which is so OBVIOUSLY NOT the typical reaction for a child to have. THEN for a brief moment they get it. THEN for a brief moment they can understand OUR world.......

Little did he know the reason he has never SEEN that from you before is that I am always on the sidelines......always coaching you......in very subtle ways....some not so subtle......but always there.....coaching.......reminding.......removing you from a situation I know will set you off. I PREVENT things from happening 99% of the time. I have become so good at doing this even I am not aware I am doing it sometimes. I have made it all look very natural......like we are doing nothing special just to have you BE present at a family function and be okay and handle it.

ANYWAY......as usual after a reaction like that....you became a zombie afterwards.........this totally drains you.....

I looked back......and realized the last time you had an episode like that was back in Colorado when we were around your father all the time....cause that happened nearly every day and more than once per day in our lives there. It reminded me of just how far we have come......how much progress you have made......and how no child needs to live in that sort of stress.......go through that anguish over and over.......

all reinforcing the divorce decision......

here you do so well. I can control our environment. I can expose you to more as I think you can handle it. EVERYONE still thinks I am creating a social misfit. You are social. You do well socially. You play with neighbor kids......you play at the park with kids........you play with your cousin very well......you do well at family affairs now.......(as long as someone does not do something like Friday that upsets you too much). Most times even if you become upset...you can work through it.

Anyway.........i love you so much noah. You keep calling your future wife your MOTHER. You called my uncle's wife his MOTHER.....I find it interesting you cannot distinguish the difference between a wife and mother.

mommy :X

2 comments:

KC's Mommy said...

You are such an awesome Mommy:)

Melinda said...

thanks! I am sure you are too!