Friday, October 27, 2006

Dear Noah: Visit from Daddy October 2006

Well your father made it in for a visit. You were so excited to see him. The entire thing was good but also a bit sad. I knew when it came time for him to say goodbye you would likely have a real problem....and you did.

The visit itself went very well. BUT the night daddy was going to leave things got bad. You jumped in his lap and started to sob......saying how much you were going to miss he needed to move to he had to come back.........

You even came over to me when Daddy went outside to load the truck.........and said to me " I can love you less so I can love daddy more". "YOU can live in THIS house with all this space and I can go back to Colorado and live in the condo cause I like it better". "It is smaller and a lot of stuff is around me there". "I want to live with daddy and not you....I can talk to you on the phone instead of Daddy". On and was horrific. I had to stop and ask myself too if perhaps Daddy put some of those thoughts into your mind....because until NOW you had not even mentioned him much let alone seriously THOUGHT about things like that. I know in the past daddy has basically "used" you to "manipulate me". That is really bad when a parent resorts to that.

BUT you were so sad.....however...when I told you I was filming you on the camera you INSTANTLY became FINE again........acting normal with no crying. I KNOW this is all part of your autism.....and partly just being a regular kid of divorced parents. I imagine this may be a bit harder for you to handle as it has entirely disrupted your life as you knew it. Your environment is different...your old routines no longer exist.......the people in your life have all changed. I feel totally responsible because it was my decision that ripped you up out of your firmly planted feet and life to bring you 1200 miles across country to begin a new life.....perhaps I did not really consider long-term how this might affect you if you did not have your daddy in your life on a semi-daily basis.

In an ideal world we could somehow all cohabit a large living facility where we could lead separate lives but all be together for YOU as well. I don't know if that would even be possible in reality. I suppose it could be.

BUT I will not dwell or go into a lot of detail here about your daddy leaving. It was very difficult for you.......though you did enjoy your visit with him. However, he was only here for 2-1/2 days. I often see how you act around Daddy and wonder if you would feel the same if it were me. Would you miss me? Would you cry when it came time for me to leave? I just wonder because around here most of the time you seem to want to be left alone...."have privacy" in your own room with the door almost completely closed. I have to really work hard sometimes to even get you to come out and eat at the table with me. I know you love me.........and I know there are times you have said you have missed me.....but I have never seen it displayed like you did with your father.

Will one day you decide when you are legally old enough to make a decision like that......that you would prefer living with Daddy? How would that make me feel? It would crush me. I know it would. I am not like your father. I cannot imagine one second of time not being in your life all the time........let alone living 1200 miles or so away from you and only seeing you occasionally. I would not get used to that. I would not even want to try. You have become the biggest part of my world and reason for living. I would be totally lost without you in it.

When it came time for bed you were still crying on and off...talking about how you wanted Daddy to come back next week and stay the entire month of you needed him to BE HERE so you could give him hugs and kisses and tell him you loved him in person. I told you to give Daddy hugs and kisses and tell him you love him any time you want. On the phone, on the computer.....and before you go to could close your eyes and talk to daddy......tell him you love him......and do hugs in your mind and fall asleep. I told you to call him the next day and ask him if he felt you giving him hugs and kisses the night before and I was sure he would say "YES!". You laid there......looking sad......still sobbing.....quietly.........trying to stop. You were thinking about something....and when I asked you whispered " I am thinking about Daddy and I am trying to give him hugs and kisses".

So lots of tears have passed......even a lot from me. This whole situation is such a sad one. It was my decision to get pregnant and have a child and bring you into this world. I DO NOT regret that....however....if I had any doubts about staying married to your father (WHICH I DID at the time I got pregnant)... I should have realized that would not be fair to you. I had always said if I ever had a child I would likely never divorce no matter what....because of the child. Your daddy knew this and used it to manipulate me too. Of course I realized later things happen beyond our control and the other person involved can make some dumb choices of their own in life affecting our my opinion of that changed. Now we will likely just have to spend years making this huge adjustment in our lives. AND something tells me you will be fine......except for every time you see daddy and it comes time to leave. OR one day when you come to me crying and say you would prefer living with daddy.

anyway.....i love you.......and I am truly sorry for destroying the only life you had ever know since you were born...with me and daddy both in your world all the time.....surrounding you all the time......but we will have to work together to make a new start to new routines and fun together.

I love you noah wesley....forever I will

mommy :X

UPDATE: Daddy already called on his way back talked to him for a SHORT time.....telling him on the other end "I don't want to talk to you too long" (cause your PC game was waiting in your room). SO I remain confused....not exactly sure what to think....knowing this all bothers you tremendously......and yet again if I keep you busy and bring others into your are less affected and handle things much easier. Such a complete turn around from how you were even last night before falling asleep.

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