Dear Noah:

So....we took grandma out to the cemetery to place flowers on the graves for Memorial Day. You did pretty well there. You wanted to rush home however in order to play with the neighbor boy....though I kept telling you he had company and/or was gone.

SO I said we could go out and play ball together...etc. Just to let you outside and in the fresh air and sun. We did that....you got thirsty. We went inside to get juice. You got yourself a box and me a box.

BACK outside....juice break. Then tossing the ball around. Next thing I know you decided to toss the ball right in my face with my sunglasses on. This was no accident. When asked "why" you did that you said the typical "I don't know". SO I said you would have to go inside for a "time out".

Needless to say this did NOT go over well with you. You went stomping inside the house...slamming the first door behind you in my face...then the second door even harder. I came in and loudly told you to NOT do that...and to get upstairs and take the time out. You proceeded to yell at me....refusing.....crying...kicking/screaming......falling down on the floor.....finally got you upstairs...where you promptly slammed the 3rd door shut. PUTTING a bag against the door inside the room to keep me out. AND it was my bedroom!

SO.....I took care of that...and again reminded you were in a time out. You went into the 3rd bedroom....and became very quiet.....

still on and on all I hear now is about playing with the neighbor boy Blake. ON AND ON. You won't let it go. You go from one extreme where you want to be around NO ONE...not even to let someone see you...and then to wanting to play with kids next door but then never wanting to stop. ON AND ON AND ON.....all I hear now ...and you crying and whining in between.

You are so emotional. No control on the emotions. Trying to teach you to be in control of the emotions...so difficult. I remind you to take 5 deep breaths and count to 10....taking deep breaths in....blowing them out....breathe....breathe.........breathe......think happy calming thoughts...allowing yourself to calm down.

ALL seems well......next thing I know you are on my lap talking about Blake again...and crying. Now you are obssessed only with Blake and playing with Blake and cannot think of doing ANYTHING else other than something with Blake...even if you have been told today is not possible. This is exhausting. This also means I most likely cannot just pick something else that might be fun to do. Even take a drive. PLUS I have to still make you take your official time out for the tossing of the ball into my face earlier and lack of listening to me after that...by lashing out..etc.

It is all about listening...something you seem to NOT be able to do much at all lately. In fact...I can give you VERBAL commands......and just one word things.....and say "remember these words "fish, cat, dog, bird" and a few seconds later (NOT EVEN MINUTES) I can ask you what I said to remember and you don't have a clue. You have GREAT memory skills...but cannot do this for some reason lately. It is like your mind is elsewhere constantly. Usually you will say when asked what the things were "I don't know"....something you say a lot of lately.

I will be so thankful to get back to Colorado. So thankful to get our own place somewhere. BACK into some sense of routine. NO I cannot live with your father....but it will be good he can participate in your life and help. Sure I know some would say it would be easier to stick with your father.....no matter how I may truly feel....stick with him regardless...cause together we made good money....could offer you more perhaps....he has better benefits he can offer you through his employer...etc. BUT somewhere along the way we became as roommates only. Brother/sister. Not husband/wife. LONG story...not going to get into it here.

I love you ....finally you are on my bed calming down. I think I will crawl over there with you and see if we can rest together.

mommy