Dear Noah

Today.....December 8, 2005. Such a trying day. Daddy and mommy are having some issues and you are definitely picking up on them. You told me today that we all needed to be nice to each other or Santa would not bring us any "good" present and we needed to hurry up and do this before Christmas Eve!

Course Daddy set you off today twice. Once it was so severe you actually "attacked" daddy. Not sure what happened but I could hear it and then Daddy came out and told me you came after him. So.....I have to continually ask myself...is this GOOD for you. While you love your daddy endlessly and I have never had any desire to take you away from him or split a family up under any circumstances......I have to also think about what is best for you and to be honest...I sometimes wonder if this is the best. The way I see it there should be no reason why Daddy cannot understand how to get along around you and not set you off just like I can. I don't understand why he can't seem to do that regardless of my endless reminders. Mommy gets tired of living like this and constantly reminding Daddy of what to or not to do...what to say or what not to say to you...how to look or not to look at you or how to just give you some space.

So....we have issues. I guess everyone does from time to time. Nothing is perfect....and time will tell how all this will work out or not. I have always made a vow however to never drag a child through divorce........but like I said...I have to also wonder how positive you being around Daddy if he sets you off is for you in the long run. I can see a time come when you perhaps wouldn't want to be around him at all....or worse....lose total control and really hurt someone or him and then what. Where do you end up? Where does that leave you? Seems all the good work I do and the progress we make can be set back in seconds when these episodes occur.

Regardless I love you. AND I will make sure everything will be fine for you so don't worry my little man!

Mommy