Saturday, October 13, 2007

an emotional day today..

Blog Entry

The OSU game was not televised today. WHAT crap!


Noah found out today that the girls next door ARE indeed moving. He is very upset about this. He told me he would have to say goodbye to them forever...with huge tears in his eyes. He cried and cried. This brought back memories of when I was packing everything up to move across country with him a couple of years ago. He cried then too....saying he would have to say goodbye to all the familiar people and places of his life thus far. ....for FOREVER. It made me feel like crap then.....even though I knew it would be for the best....and it makes me feel like crap all over again now.

I have explained to him it will be okay. We will be moving ourselves sooner than later. I told him that change and different situations can be good. He can meet new people and make new friends. He can have new adventures.

But his relationship with those little girls was his first experience at a real friendship and playmates that he could actually PLAY with on a regular basis. All he had to do was step out into his backyard.

As long as I live I will never forget the days where he would come running to me shouting "Mommy, mommy....Emma and Brianne are outside!"; "Can I go out and play?"....a milestone that took years to attain. He would go darting out the back door squealing greetings to "the girls" through huge smiles and giggles as they did the same back to him. I am sure he also will never forget the kisses goodbye at the end of the day. Chasing fireflies at night in the summer. Swimming in the pool. Lazy, long days...sharing toys, tents, popsicles and dreams.

On a day such as today I feel so inadequate. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on. I wish I could make it all better. I know God is there to always hear me out....because I doubt most any other human would care to. I am thankful for this. I feel like two individuals ....one wishing I could reveal my fears to someone else....but then realizing I can't. No one really wants to share burdens like that. SO my lips stay sealed. My mouth shut. Something I know is rare for me.

I opened the windows today because it was such a glorious day outside. Opie smelled the fresh air and was crying to go outside. This made me feel really crappy too because I cannot let him out. I cannot really even allow him to be seen in the windows here. I gave him a bath today and ever since he has shunned me. I feel like a bad-ass mama to him. Not a good feeling.

As I sit here and spill the beans here.....even if only partly...I know in the long run everything will end up fine! EVEN BETTER than now. I believe this. I cling to this. I WILL manifest this. I am.

But dammit it can be exhausting doing it all by yourself. Or even "feeling" like you are doing it all by yourself.

I am so busy telling everyone else it will be "okay"......I sometimes just wish I had someone around to verbally do the same for me. ...even if I already know things will be "okay."

7 comments:

gettingthere said...

Ooh! I'm in another country but I'd gladly lend you my shoulder to cry on. Don't mean to make you feel even worse, but poor Noah probably isn't interested in meeting new people and making new friends. He just wants to keeps those he has already. But of course, you already know that. Maybe he can keep in touch by e-mail? It's not the same, though. Chin up!

Mom said...

Well Sweetie, I can only imagine it can be overwhelming at times. I have not been alone, but there have been a few times when things have come up, even with family members around, I still felt very alone.

You will have to find out where the girls are moving so you can send a card now and then to them and perhaps they will answer back to Noah.

Hang in there, tomorrow will be a better day. Love you bunches, Noah to.

Melinda said...

well Noah is always up for meeting and making new friends most times now.......but yes.....I am positive he also would like to hang onto the ones he has!

KC's Blog said...

How sad, I wish they weren't moving :( Maybe the next folks that move in will have kiddos. I know it's not the same :(
I know your heart is breaking for Noah, it is sad but maybe you can have a little going away party for the girls? He might feel better if he can video tape the party and help plan it?
Hugs to you Melinda I know it's not easy to see your little guy sad but things will look up soon:)

Melissa said...

Aww..poor Noah, those will be memories that he will always have, and you too. I know you have some photos of them playing, those will be something he can remember them by when he gets older. Who knows, maybe the new neighbors will have kids too, you never know.

I think we all feel alone, at some point. Everything will work out with you guys moving and the cat, and new friends. Oh, and don't feel bad about the cat shunning you, Smokey used to do that to me all the time.

By the way, I'm pretty sure I saw Ohio State playing football yesterday afternoon around 2:00 or so on regular TV. I think it said Ohio and I forget who they played but Ohio State was ahead.

Love you two...

Melinda said...

We can't have a little party. They are already gone and we don't know to where.

They did this all very quickly and without much say in the matter. We looked out and they were moving! By nightfall it appeared they were gone. So Noah can send a note to their old address and it should get forwarded and hopefully the girls will write to him and we can stay in touch that way.

kristi said...

It is hard to let go! Please know I am thinking of you and Noah everyday. You are such an inspiration to me.