Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Dear Noah:

You must have been super tired this morning cause you slept in very late. Almost 9:30 a.m. I started to worry something had happened to you. I even walked into your room to see if you were "still breathing" like I used to when you were a baby. You looked so peaceful and content.

This of course got me to thinking about what if something happened to you. What I would are the biggest portion of my world. EVERYTHING I say and do revolves around you. I cannot imagine you not ever being here.

And this led to me contemplating what one would do in a national emergency/disaster of sorts. You know....the "lost on a deserted island" drill.

I cannot imagine what I would do about you for food. I mean while you certainly eat a few MORE foods basically eat the same things over and over and most are processed.......or have to be prepped and fixed in SPECIFIC ways or you will NOT eat it. AND this is extreme.......I know it has to do with your autism but more with your sensory integration disorder issues. Would you slowly starve? Would there be a BK somewhere around a sandy corner?

How would you live without your:

WHAT would you eat? you do not eat fresh fruits or veggies now.....likely the only thing on an island to eat other than perhaps fish. Would you eventually get so hungry you would be willing to eat anything? EVERYONE says this is true now but I know it is not in your case. You would starve to death before you would eat certain foods you cannot tolerate. I know this does not make sense to anyone else but it does to me. I see it firsthand. I KNOW how you can be. BUT it is not like I could whip out a skillet and fry you up some Tyson chicken tenders and have an oven to put in your Ore-Ida golden crinkle fries!

AND what would you do without your M&Ms?

Or Pillsbury Super Deluxe chocolate chip and Hershey kiss cookies? Your Juicy Juice apple juice. Your pizza!!!!!

I imagine you would be strong......refusing all......growing weaker and weaker.....crying......and starve to death in front of me unless I could convince you to TRY a TASTE of something you did not want to. Like a REAL banana...something I still cannot get you to do here at home. THE ONLY bananas you will eat are Gerber Stage 3 banana baby food.

What does anyone with special needs do during times like that? What about people on life support or who require electricity to LIVE.. I guess they lose their life literally if the power goes out and they have no back up plan in place?

I realize how dependent we really are on certain things in our society.... and that is a bit scary for me...someone who does not like depending on anyone else or anything else much if I can keep from it.

I could go on and on. Is all this worrying and wondering normal? I have done this since you were a baby. Will it ever end? I know the answer to that already. No...highly unlikely. You do surprise me from time to time....

I can only hope and pray nothing like that will ever happen. I do try to travel with extra snacks you like now in case we get stuck somewhere. I know that time we got stuck in a bad snowstorm in a hotel.....we thankfully had a kitchen and some food I had brought to cook for you. WHAT would we have done for you for FOOD if we did not? The vending machine was limited and the supply was going quickly as no one could get in or out! How long can you live on M&Ms alone? my head hurts and I have bawled thinking about you not being here. When you finally DID get up this morning I was soooooo happy you were okay and still alive and my little boy ready to have a great day! I am so thankful for you. I will love you till the end of time...and knowing me......I will still find a way to keep on loving you even after that!

mommy :X

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