Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Dear Noah:

now I feel sad cause I told Noah how sweet he was and I asked him if he knew how sweet he was and he said "very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sweet!"

I asked how sweet I was...he said "very" ...ONE very.

I asked how sweet his father was...he said 19 verys.

I asked why I was only ONE and his father was 19. He said cause his father was "friendlier" with him and played with him. I only did 1 time he said.

This makes me feel like crap. I have done what I needed to do in my life for reasons we all know about....and now that I cannot work all the time at night while he sleeps as I just physically cannot handle it anymore living on only 3-4 hours of sleep at night....this cuts into our time doing things at home. I feel like I am not giving him the time he deserves and needs and he is apparently picking up on it. I feel like I work all the time and then have so much other crap to do all the time ...he is right. I probably do not have time for him as I don't have any for myself.

With all the crap over the past 6 months his school work here at home has suffered as it has had to be placed on a back burner. Same for most other things in our lives I guess. AND half the year is gone already and I wonder if I can ever get things under control enough that he will be happy and calm and at peace and feel loved and EVERYTHING a little 7-year-old boy should feel. I do not feel I am providing it. I have not even managed to unpack all our crap and put it away to make our house into a home.

So today I have to start making time to do things with him again whether I have the time or not. I have to make the time. I feel like such a crappy mother.

It is hard to keep a creative mind and savor and enjoy moments with Noah and just myself or anyone else when I have so much crap hanging over my head all the time.

Mommy does really love you Noah....even when I have to do other things. :X


LynAnne said...

Don't despair, mothers always get the last thank you's from their children when they are young. When they grow up, the mother is usually the first person they thank.

Children look for short term enjoyment without boundaries. As adults, we know that's not always possible. Noah sees you as the person responsible for discipline and setting limits. He can't understand right now how necessary those things are. He will in time.

You sound like a very, very, very (and on and on) sweet person who is a very, very (you get the idea) loving parent. Don't beat yourself down - you have a heavy load on your shoudlers and you are doing more than any single parent should.

Have you contacted your local ARC (it used to stand for Association for Retarded Citizens but that's not so PC anymore). In our state, they provide free respite care to children with special needs.

As far as the homeschooling goes - have you looked into unschooling? I found it made our lives much simpler and my son learned so much more than he would have learned if I had continued to force the schoolwork on him. I was trying to duplicate the school environment at home which was counterproductive.

Anyhow...I'm babbling. Take care of yourself and keep your chin up! Send me email (lynanne [at] gmail [dot] com) if you ever want to chat! Hang in there!!

Melinda said...

well you offered so I sent you a LONG email! hahaha

Stacey Teague said...

HEY!!!!! Don't be too hard on yourself. Moms always get screwed by the "very's" in their childs eyes, because we do the everyday stuff, that dads usually don't do, and they get to play and wrestle and do all the fun stuff.....

abianne said...

Melinda, I'm sorry he said that and I know just how it feels to hear it. But I think kids want so desperately to know that the parent who is gone, still loves them, that they exaggerate and sanctify the one who isn't present. He's only free to play with his dad because you make his life stable. I think that alone speaks volumes about the good job you are doing with him. Still, I'm sorry you had to hear it, because it always hurts.

abianne said...

Oh, and one more thing....Yaya on the "unschooling" !! I unschooled my kids and it saved us all. (My divorce was messy too) I have lots of homeschool/unschool material and if you need anything, you know where I am : )