Just to clear some things up......about Noah being "afraid" of black people.....

I just wanted to explain this a bit further. I totally understand that Noah feels the way he does NOT for the same reasons we might all think......prejudice......etc. He does not even know what those things are let alone understand them.

At his level I think he explained it pretty well. He was scared of the kid's weird hair......it reminded him of a clown which also scares him.

The same for the kid's clothes.....they also reminded Noah of a clown.

He was uncomfortable around the boy being "black" ....because his skin was the color black.....and he acted like it "hurt his eyes" to physically have to look at it. There are many times (most times) Noah will NOT look me in the eyes directly...he acts like it physically HURTS him to have to do so. SO I do get that this could bother him in the same way.

That is totally an "autism" thing and I get that. I just wanted to try to explain to him how the general public would view his feelings....using this as a learning experience. I was the one who explained segregation and prejudice to him....all those things he had never heard about before. I explained to him that I understood WHY those things about the black boy on the Valentine card bothered him...but others would not be able to understand it and instead think he was prejudiced.

It is the same for Noah with someone's skin color as it is for different textures.....sounds.....lights.....noises. Some things Noah is drawn to and enjoys...other things rub against him real rough like sandpaper. He tends to avoid things that "grate" on his nerves and things he just cannot easily accept or cope with.

With Noah it actually has nothing to do with him being "against" blacks or "for" whites....he just in his mind needs to have things a certain way. When someone comes along that is different....it is not always an easy transition to acceptance.

I think that is very much what is happening in this case with his saying he is "afraid" of being around black people.

Anyway.....Osh brought up a good point in her comment on my prior post about this....and she is exactly right. It is not really anything to do with Noah being prejudiced as much as it is he just has to have some things a certain way to make it easier for him to be in this world.

Dear Noah.....black people scare you???

You had an emotional day yesterday. At least when it came to the after school group you go to every Wednesday. I had a difficult time getting you motivated to get yourself ready to go. In fact....I probably should have taken that as a big hint to NOT have you go.

BUT you finally got ready and off we went. ALL seemed well....I went to pick you up. You were walking out the door and almost immediately started talking about wanting to go to THE ZONE, which is right next door to where you have your group....it is a place all the kids can go and play video games and pool....etc. BUT when I walked past it to get you I saw the sign said CLOSED and it looked like they might be having a special event inside. SO I told you they were closed on our walk back to the truck, before we even got to the sign to check.....but you would not let me finish what I was saying....instead breaking out in a very loud almost scream/cry about how it was OPEN and always open for you kids and on and on and on.....and you cried and cried. I stopped you IMMEDIATELY and calmly and quietly said "stop....do you know what you are doing wrong?" to which you sort of shook your head yes. I told you it was not appropriate to act like that especially in public places......and that kind of behavior would get you the opposite of what you ever wanted.....and you needed to calm down so I could finish telling you what I was trying to tell you. Meanwhile we started to walk again and I then finished telling you they were CLOSED and pointed out the sign to you. You calmed down. You stopped crying.

Until we got back to the truck.

Then we started talking about the group and what you did. I noticed you got a belated Valentine card from one of the helpers......a girl you have always really liked before. BUT when you showed me the card you started to cry big tears and said "yeah I got a card, but it's a little late!" and I told you that was okay...she was not there at your group meeting last week and I am sure she just wanted to make sure you got a card. Or maybe she forgot you last week if she was at the meeting. THEN you told me you did not like the card....and when I asked why......you opened it and said because a BLACK person was on the card! You said you hated black people......and that this one scared you because he had weird hair!

I KNOW my mouth dropped open. I KNOW I did not bring you up this way or to believe this or anything negative about black people. I KNOW you have been around black people before and you never seemed to have any problems. I KNOW you play very well with black children. SO this was not making any sense though I had heard you make a similar statement once before in the past.

You were crying and flipped open the card and I saw this:





You said his hair scared you. AND his black skin. You thought his suit and tie reminded you of what a clown would wear...same for his hair and you are scared of clowns. BUT it went further than just the black person on this Valentine Card.

You told me you only wanted to be around white people...or MOSTLY white people. I asked you if something had happened to you to make you feel this way or if anyone else had ever said anything to you to make you feel this way. You said no...but the last time we went to a place in Ohio that does have mostly black people....you were scared. AND it bothered you. AND I guess then you decided you preferred being around mostly WHITE people. I tried to explain about PREJUDICE...and how black people started out in our country as slaves...and all about SEGREGATION....etc.

You were bawling your eyes out.....and I mean really crying hard. I asked you what reaction you had when you opened the card in the group after the helper gave it to you. You said you were very sad, but that you did not say anything.

THEN you told me you hated something about your helper. She was always telling you to sit up and put your feet on the floor and not on the chair or table. I told you she was correct in doing so for at home while you could sit comfortably for you in just about any position...many places in public would require you to sit up in the chair with your feet on the floor.

HATE....I was surprised to also hear that. HATE is such a very strong word to use.

THESE are the times I wish I had a hidden camera in the truck with us....so it could have captured your EXTREME reactions to all the events of the group meeting. I mean they were OVER the top. NOT the normal reactions to have. YOU were so upset. Of course I did not have my video camera with me and if I did.....maybe you would not have reacted the same. I don't know. BUT I wish we could have recorded it so others could see just exactly what an over-the-top from the norm reaction is like.

EVERYTHING was upsetting you. We drove home. We talked about black people and white people and how God created ALL people and loved ALL people and that there were just as many SCARY WHITE people as scary black people.......on and on.....

We even read a story about a black girl slave, Phyllis Wheatley who wrote a famous poem to King George.

You seemed to feel better.....a bit. You told me you were bored during group and that the guest speaker had bored you. You wanted to do group "activities" with other kids. I can understand this and am busy trying to find something like that for you which is probably better suited for you than this other after school program is.

I asked you if you wanted the Valentine card....you said no. When I asked you why......you said you were afraid to say why. I told you to go ahead and tell me anyway......and you said it was because you did not like black people...or they scared you.

SO.....this will obviously be an ongoing issue to work on. I asked you what if someone in our family was involved with a black person. ...or married to one. I told you I had seen MANY attractive black men in my life and have known many very nice black people. I have been friends with black people. I told you my cousin also your relative has adopted black children and why. You pondered all this over.....you said being around one person like that or a couple would not bother you.....but it still did not change how you ultimately felt. You are scared of being around a lot of black people for some reason. It makes you very uneasy. I can understand a feeling of uneasiness in certain situations .....I have that happen even in certain groups of WHITE people. BUT all this still surprised me. Your gut reaction was so strong.

NOW I know there are several areas in Ohio that are pretty ROUGH places and the majority living there are black people....but I tried to explain to you that does not necessarily mean black people are bad people. I don't believe I made much progress with you.

We did not finish up as much school as I wanted to after you got home due to your emotional instability.

THEN you told me that group was sending someone around door-to-door to ask the parents how you kids from group were behaving and if they were behaving badly you would be taken away from me to some detention place to stay for a very long time. The topic you all discussed at group was child abuse and neglect and you had a guest speaker I guess.

I tried to explain to you that maybe you misunderstood her and you said no. In April during child abuse awareness they were going to come to all of your homes and if you had been bad they would take you away to juvenile detention. I will need to speak with the lady in charge of group as I know this cannot be correct. I also told you I rarely answer the door for anyone anyway unless I am expecting someone or know them. SO you had nothing to worry about. I tried to reassure you that no one would take you from your home away from me.

I totally understand you cannot always help yourself with your emotions and how you feel about things or that specific things bother you......like this kid on the Valentine card whom you said reminded you of Obama (whom you do NOT like)...but Obama with a bad wig. I almost laughed out loud when I looked again at the card because yes it did sort of look like that!

BUT I know you do not always sit in the chair correctly or things like that and you will not be removed from our home because of things you cannot control like that. THOUGH you do need to learn there are appropriate behaviors acceptable in society and you MUST learn those and do the best you can at all times. We do have laws you must obey like anyone else.

You said you were very stressed out. You said even school here at home via OHVA was stressing you out and you wished we would do home school like we did before......just with what I came up with and not what OHVA gives us to do. OR not a combination of both. When I asked you why you said because it was not so overwhelming.

sigh...........

As usual we have a lot of work ahead of us.....but we will keep moving forward! EVEN if we take baby steps.

Monday is a Learning/Science Fair for OHVA in our area and you can even enter something to display during the fair. We will probably try to attend so you can meet one of your teachers in person.

Anyway......we both slept well last night. From sheer emotional exhaustion I think.

I love you Noah......very much I do.......

Mommy
XOXOX

Suit: Autistic boy was tased at school by police......

Suit: Autistic boy was Tased

Carmel Clay school called police during outburst, parents say

By Vic Ryckaert
vic.ryckaert@indystar.com

A middle-school student with autism was Tased twice by a Carmel police officer, according to a lawsuit filed by the boy's parents against the Police Department, one of its officers and a local school district.

According to the suit, the electrical bursts temporarily knocked the 90-pound boy unconscious during a confrontation at Creekside Middle School. The boy, who was 14 at the time, was taken to a local hospital before being released to his mother.

The suit, filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Indianapolis, seeks damages for medical expenses, pain, suffering and mental anguish. The defendants are the Carmel Police Department, officer Matthew Kinkade and Carmel Clay Schools.

Carmel Clay Superintendent Barbara Underwood declined to comment, citing the pending lawsuit. Efforts to contact Kinkade and a spokesman for the Carmel Police Department were not successful Thursday.

According to the lawsuit:

On March 11, the boy, who is not named in the complaint, was dropped off at Creekside by his mother, Dianne Bell, who called to tell school officials her son was going to be late.

At the end of the day, the boy was told he was going to receive detention. At that point, the boy, who is described as having "affective disorder and has been diagnosed with autism, manic-depressive disorder and bipolar disorder," became "frustrated and began to act out."

"During this outburst he is saying outrageous things," said the Bells' attorney, Ronald Frazier, noting that the boy threatened to call members of his gang to retaliate against the teachers.

"They know there is no gang there," Frazier said. "They know he has no way of acting on what he is saying. They are taking these idle threats and calling police."

The Bells contend the school district failed to follow the guidelines they had set up to deal with the boy's outbursts -- techniques the family says would have given the boy a chance to cool off.

"When a child like (the Bells' son) starts to have emotional problems, the (individual procedure) is supposed to be followed," Frazier said. "It has specific steps that are to be taken in order to keep the child from melting totally down."

Instead, school officials dialed 911.

Officer Kinkade arrived, according to the complaint, and reacted to the boy's outbursts by grabbing him and forcing him to a bench in the school lobby.

When the physical force failed to control the 5-foot boy, Kinkade drew his Taser and shocked the boy two times until he lost consciousness, according to the complaint.

"Officer Kinkade used unreasonable and excessive force by failing to follow policies and procedures that were in place for dealing with autistic children," the suit alleges.

Frazier contends in the suit that although school officials say they advised police about the boy's condition, the Police Department says that's not so.

The Police Department has an autism response team, but it was not dispatched. Kinkade is not a member of that team, according to the suit.

"Autistic children have a great difficulty interpreting what others are thinking or feeling because they don't understand social cues," Frazier said. "(The Bell child) gets confronted with violence, with Tasers, and he is flipping out because of his sensory overload."

The suit contends Carmel police were "grossly negligent in the training of Matthew Kinkade," who joined the department in January 2006.

Noblesville Police Department Lt. Bruce Barnes, an instructor in the use of Tasers, said officers are trained to use the devices when lesser-force options are not available.

"You can use the Taser anytime anybody is punching, kicking or threatening to punch or kick," Barnes said. "We can use it when we tell someone to do something, they refuse, lesser-force options are not available and they are a credible threat to you."

Barnes declined to comment on whether the boy could have posed a credible threat to a police officer, saying he did not know the full circumstances of the incident.

Sheila Wolfe, director of the Indianapolis-based Autism Education and Training Center, said the reaction of school officials and the police officer agitated the boy.

"You need to step away and leave them alone so that they can decompress," said Wolfe, who has an autistic son in middle school in Carmel Clay. "I have a hard time believing that a trained officer would Taser a child with a disability if they fully understood the situation they were walking into.

"I know from experience that the people in Carmel (Clay schools) know better. As a school system, they have the expertise and they have the people available that know better. I'm surprised."

and yet another reason I am thankful we homeschool

Dear Noah......you had a bad dream......

or nightmare. I was sleeping on the sofa the other night and something woke me up around 1:00 a.m. It was the cat scratching something he was not supposed to and who do I find on the love seat trying to sleep??? YOU Noah......you. You had moved the cat who was being good and sleeping OFF the love seat so YOU could sleep there close to me I guess as you had a bad dream.

I woke up and asked you what you were doing out in the living room. That is when you told me you had a "nightmare" and proceeded to tell me that Sonic the Hedgehog killed President Obama and the Vice President with a tornado. You have NOT been too happy about Obama making office and I know it has bothered you a lot. SO in a way this dream did not come as a total surprise to me. You then said McCain became president.

When I asked you what exactly bothered you about Obama (as I know you don't like him and were against him being president) (I also did NOT vote for him).....you told me it was because of what he did to the babies. You were referring to Obama's radical stance regarding abortions. That has bothered you tremendously as it should everyone. BUT it really upset you that in the dream Sonic had "killed" Obama and the Vice President.

Anyway....I got you back into bed.....and you slept well the rest of the night.

Such a little, young mind to be burdened with such thoughts. Too bad more of the world doesn't have a conscience like you.

I love you tremendously...

Mommy
XOXOX

Dear Noah....the tooth fairy visited you last night.....

(photo altered and taken by Uncle Sonny)

You told me the other day you had a lose front jaw tooth......and I said if you would wiggle it...it would hopefully become loose enough to fall out. AND we were standing in Walgreen's yesterday and all of a sudden you turned to me and said "YEAH...it came out!" and there in your hand was your tooth!

This morning when you checked under the pillow you found THREE dollars....you were thrilled and said it must be a RARE tooth (since you got so much more for this one than the others). I told you that sometimes you get MORE from the tooth fairy for BIGGER teeth than other teeth. You just smiled.

Love you lots! POURING rain here today! This afternoon is your belated Valentine Party at your after school program.

Mommy
XOXOX

Dear Noah.....Sunday we went to see your grandma and grandpa L.....and cousin Audrey and Aunt Melissa......

we had lunch together and then you and Audrey played on the computer together. Monday we went back over to pick up Audrey since you were both off school and we went to the pet store to check out pets.....and then did some shopping...and then went out for an early supper at Fazoli's.



You were both playing on Audrey's computer and both sitting in the same chair...which you seemed to enjoy Noah as you got to snuggle up to Audrey!


We also saw Baby Kitty who is not so much a baby anymore...weighing in at 20 pounds!



Tonight after your speech therapy we went to see grandma C....and once back home you were getting out of your booster seat in the truck and you asked me..."Mom..when am I going to get out of the car seat?" It was the WAY you asked it.....and I realized yes.....you are about that age now to stop being in a booster car seat. Ohio's laws are more lenient than Colorado's laws were.....so you are ALMOST to the point where you could get out of the seat. AGE-wise you are past the limit.....but HEIGHT wise you still are not quite there......so the booster seat will stay in the truck for now so your shoulders are at the appropriate height for the seat belt to fit properly.

We are back home now and I still have a bad migraine...so I am signing off.

I love you Noah!

Mommy
XOXOX

Ten-year-old autistic boy arrested......

LEE COUNTY: A ten-year-old autistic student was arrested for allegedly hitting and kicking a teacher at Gulf Elementary School.

"Mom always says you have to smile for the camera and they brought a camera to take his picture so he smiled for the photo," said Heather Hawk.

Ian Garvin said, "Cheese" when deputies took his mug shot.

"When they took his picture for his arrest report he was smiling," said Hawk.

Hawk says that smile protects a boy battling disease he can't escape.

Autism impedes Ian from functioning like the other elementary school students.

"In school he's become violent and aggressive because he just wants to get away he wants to get to a safe place," said Hawk.

Thursday a tantrum erupted in school.

"He just wanted to be alone and he was trying to get them away the only way he knows how," said Hawk.

According to the Lee County Sheriff's Office incident report, the confrontation escalated over a pair of scissors.

Teacher Terri Plazewski told deputies she saw 10-year-old Ian cutting his shirt.

She told deputies another teacher told Ian to stop, but he threw the scissors, ran out of the room and locked himself in the principal's office.

School employees and the principal went into the office and Ian hit Plazewski in the upper chest and kicked her in the groin, according to reports.

The deputy said he witnessed Ian throw himself onto the floor and bang his head on the ground, "while in a crying and frantic tantrum."

Ian was arrested and taken to the Juvenile Assessment Center.

Hawk says Ian has tantrums all the time, but this time he got arrested.

"I couldn't believe a child with autism who can't understand what's going on is being arrested," said Hawk.

The Lee County school district said, "The district cannot comment because it involves a special needs student.

Hawk says scars from his arrest are permanent.

Not even Ian's special friend, his dog Chewey, can turn his mood around.

"He's playing games like, 'I'm going to arrest you mommy' things like that," said Hawk.

Ian will spend 4 days at home on suspension and will go to court to face one count of battery on a public or private education employee.

All while a mother prays for some normalcy.

"If he shuts down he might go back into his own world that he's come out of because he's made great progress as a child with autism," said Hawk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to say this sounds familiar.....I am thankful I home-school Noah now so I don't have to worry about things like this happening anymore now that he is older....though I do still get anxious whenever we go somewhere and there are other kids but only if he starts to get upset or overstimulated...as you sometimes don't know what he may or may not do. However.....he is much better at controlling most of his behavior now most of the time which I am also thankful for.

Dear Noah......last week we got into it......

I am not going to get into all the details here....the end result is the most important.  You said many hurtful things to me on that day as you were upset .....and I explained to you how all those things made me feel...which I must say they did upset me even though I tried not to allow that to happen.  BUT in the end you wrote out a personal message to me on your doodle pad....all by yourself....without any prompting by me.....

It read:

I'm sorry Mom. Those things I said was expressions, except for:  I love you, I want to do homeschool, and I want to live with you. (and then there is a sad smiley face with tears coming down)

I was impressed you felt bad enough to write me a note and by all the things you said in the note and even showing the SAD emotion and tears on the smiley face including scrunched up eyebrows.....again, all without any prompting by me.

Needless to say I have not felt too well since....physically...I either have a bug of some sort or it is just stress or a combination.   Today I thought I was feeling better, but anything I eat causes problems.  SO.....anyway......

I love you a lot  Noah.....

Mommy

XOXOXO

UPDATE....just so everyone knows......I did not say anything nasty to Noah......this was something over the cat. I had gotten upset about the cat doing something...and the things I said then TO THE CAT......and about the cat upset Noah...and he then lashed out saying hurtful things to me. Extremely hurtful.....I was surprised as he has not done things like that before.....but I am sure his hormones are beginning to get to that point where they will also begin to possibly interfere with how he might act.

Dear Noah......You Tube viewers keep saying about your clips "he sure doesn't look like he has autism"

AND when I read that I find myself smiling because this is a reflection of your progress.....and yet I am also disturbed....because this reflects the misinformed, uneducated public mindset probably of the majority in our world today. Unless you are exposed to autism or know someone with autism or have a child with autism....it is very difficult to KNOW what it is like......and it is not something you can just always SEE on a child like a broken arm or leg. One has to be around the child to "get it."

When you were really little I did not have a video camera to film many of your issues then. I did start this blog to make note of most significant episodes.....so many of your extreme, struggles were not caught on film or by camera. A lot of the clips I post on You Tube also show you doing positive things or just playing. I did not set out to specifically record you only being "autistic" or doing "autistic behaviors."

I saw this article on CNN the other day and watched the film clips of this young girl with autism and the behaviors her family and therapist were trying to change. You can go here to read and click on film clips to watch

Teen Family Transformed After Autism Intervention

I have to say as I sat here and watched the clips I had tears in my eyes along with flashbacks to when we still lived in Colorado and you were younger.....because HER behavior now was the same behavior you had back then. The preschool teachers were the first to introduce us to the terminology "meltdowns" and anyone with an autistic child knows what they are. They are not even as simple as the everyday child's temper tantrum and no amount of THREATS stops them. In fact, threats only make them worse. At that time you not able to really talk yet to communicate your needs...so your outbursts were frequent. In one of these clips the teenage girl with autism arches her back backwards and screams....and I remember you used to do this......and you would even take it a step further and completely drop yourself down to the ground. You also did a lot of pushing and hitting and biting....knocking things over.

As time has passed and they occur a lot less frequently now if at all......it was funny to me to realize that those memories had apparently gotten tucked down under everything else in my memory....so far that I could barely remember them at all......until I saw these clips.

I remember the screams.......the sick-in-the-pit of your stomach feeling we would get listening to you....not being able to control you or stop you. Wondering if you would run off from school again, or if you we might have to leave a store before we finished shopping because you had a fit. I can only imagine, now looking back, how your teachers must have felt. Especially in a classroom with other children.

What did work for you....was behavior modification.....where we would place more emphasis on the positive behaviors and a lot less on the negative ones. In fact we basically ignored the negative behavior altogether and went about our business....and gave HUGE praise on good behaviors. We learned to substitute a new positive behavior for negative ones. I made up a CALM DOWN book to teach you how to take deep breaths and calm down long before you took any ACTION on your emotions. This was not an overnight accomplishment, but took "years" for you to achieve. BUT you did. You still use that method, but can now control your emotions so much better, and can now express yourself verbally so much better. (I hope I won't be tested on this now today since I wrote this).

Setting up a strict schedule for you to follow and laying out what was expected of you everywhere we went....also helped tremendously. I made up social story books with an outline of what you had to do when you got up for the day.....went to school......went to church or the library or a store. It had pictures and text below the pictures that showed you how you were to behave and what to say or do. EVERY step of the way.....nothing could be left out.

THEN I had to teach you about CHANGES in schedules and how those were okay...something you had a tremendous time accepting.

We also started giving you STOP times AHEAD of time when we needed to stop you from an activity. This allowed us the ability to usually leave the swimming pool or park without you having screaming fits.

The more things like this we incorporated into your day the better behavior you developed. You began to gain more confidence in controlling your emotions and self, even if I was still a bit apprehensive and wondering how you might do if I took you out somewhere.

I could relate to this mother's remarks about how the family just avoided doing certain things or going certain places as they were too difficult for their autistic daughter to handle. How it was just easier to avoid those places or things. We had to do the same for you. We were home a lot.

Slowly I would incorporate a little more things in your day and longer time frames for staying at specific places. There are still some things you do not handle well or that totally over-stimulate you. Those events go pretty well though you can have a harder time. AND the days following those events are totally different here at home...as you can sometimes be a walking zombie in recovery mode for awhile.

I guess today is a day of reflection and thanks. I am thankful we got to learn how to start helping you before you were any older than you were. I am thankful for your progress while still realizing you have a ways to go.

Oh....and I love you.....a lot.

Mommy
XOXOX

Dear Noah....brushing teeth issues....

brushing your teeth to keep them CLEAN has been an ongoing struggle with you. You brush them very well but the front ones you cannot seem to keep as clean as the rest. I am thankful you have no cavities or anything like that.....but the front teeth about 3 months after they have been cleaned start to look really bad again. EVEN if I help you brush.

Today I wanted to try using some baking soda on the front teeth to see if that would help get the black stuff off your teeth a little easier. It helped a lot but getting you to tolerate it was a nightmare. You cried and gagged but this time I made you do it regardless. I had to give you a break....and felt bad for making you do this.....but you did finally get over it and allowed me to finish cleaning your teeth. There are still some spots of crud on your teeth but they look so much better. You are due for the dentist I believe next Monday for a cleaning. Once there I am going to ask about every 3-month cleaning or will order the dental cleaning stuff online as I finally found a site to get the same stuff they use in a dentist's office.

The entire dentist trip is still an ordeal too......but you can make it through it now pretty well.

I did some research about the crud on your teeth and have actually found out that the black stuff that gets on your teeth is actually this:

The black-dark brown stain is natural, harmless, it comes from the saliva,it tends to go away in a few years.. The stain is difficult to remove and should be left alone except in areas where aesthetics are important. Some more really good news , children with this kind of stain almost never get a cavity!

So I am thankful for this and feel bad when I try to make us remove the stuff from your front teeth but your teeth in the front look so bad at times if I don't. I know I should not worry as the stuff on your teeth is the stains they talk about above...and I do leave it alone for the most part. The dental technicians I know think it is horrific ...they probably think I am a bad mother for not helping you brush your teeth more often and keeping your teeth clean. I DO help you.....pretty much every day......but these stains continue to show up mainly on your front teeth.

SO as long as your teeth are clean.....and we can keep the front looking pretty decent.....I guess we should not worry so much about it. I just will continue to hope and pray you can remain cavity free forever......and avoid facing any dental work of any kind....as we all know (including the dentist) that it would be something very difficult for you to handle.

Even fixing the front teeth that stick out...the dentist said it would be awhile before you could probably handle getting those fixed. I wondered if your teeth came in that way because you refused to let anyone remove the front teeth that were loose but not coming out before your second teeth came in. Your second teeth came in before your baby front teeth were out. They had no where to go but OUT and they are somewhat bucked now.....though not really bucked. The dentist said no...they would have come in that way regardless. I find that difficult to believe since your baby teeth were perfectly white and straight and came in fine....why would the second ones not also come in that way?

YOU are happy and content with your teeth just the way they are and maybe you will never want to get them fixed. It does not seem to be a priority or concern to you. SO I am not too worried about that anymore either.

Regardless of your teeth I love you. I am sorry I made you go through such a trying time to get them brushed and cleaned again.

On the way home from grandma C's house today you wanted to know where this one CD was in the case that had 2 songs on it...one that makes you think of your dad.....and one that is another one that you just like. I found the CD and on the way home while listening to the songs you turned to me and said "listening to these songs just makes me happy!" Then you leaned over and hugged my shoulder and patted my arm. PART of the lyrics in the one song are:

Here I am far away
hundred miles and oceans from you
feel the need to cry out loud
I want you to know

oh, you're all I care for
oh, you're all I care for
you're all I need

(THIS is what makes you almost cry you said...as you wish your dad lived here in the same state as us.....and you are hundreds of miles from him...etc.) You almost cried when you told me this all in the car. It made me feel sad for you.

Your are now 10 years old. It has only been in the past year that you have really been able to express yourself in this manner to me or someone else. At one time I wondered if you would ever be able to express yourself easily to me using words or actions.

But you are.

I love you Noah.....you make me very happy.

Mommy
XOXOX