Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Dear Noah:

So we saw the New Year 2006 come in together. You were excited about that. Today we started some serious packing............to make our move across country. You wanted to help a lot and I let you. You packed up the books in your bedroom today. We have so many books. I imagine most would say leave them behind but we love books.

Suffice to say we are most definitely moving across country now. NO choice and it is long long overdue. Mommy wishes she would have made some of these decisions a very long time ago. That is my fault. Not yours. To make OUR lives better now however and end this charade we need to move on. There are so many issues concerning your father I just cannot get into here....and you are way too little to probably ever understand.......so... I will just leave it at this. There are many many things starting from day one of your mommy and daddy even meeting that were wrong. MANY MANY lies and deceit have taken place over the past 8 1/2 years. Your daddy needs some serious help and I think he is finally starting to get some. Hopefully he will use this time on his own now to become the person he was meant to be in his lifetime but for our sake and for all the RIGHT reasons mommy can no longer stay married to daddy. This only changes the fact that your mommy and daddy will no longer be living in the same house. Otherwise it really changes nothing as you have known things to be. Your daddy will still always be your daddy and me your mom. I will always love you and daddy will love you too. We all need to move forward with our lives but not attached any longer...and this in reality will be a very good thing.

My entire family has no idea the depths this story goes to...and only because 7 years ago I shut up and quit telling anyone anything...good or bad...about my personal life and any problems or even danger I may have been in. SO it is no wonder why so many think my leaving your father is only a recent thing and that something must have only happened recently to have made me make this final decision. In reality however, our relationship was never normal or TRUTHFUL from day one. It went against everything I believed in....my integrity. It is my fault that I waited so long to end things and move on with my life. But things were never right from the start and have only slid further downhill from there. NOTHING that has happened in my life recently has caused any of this to happen. No one I have met...no one I have talked to. Things were already here long before NOW.

I have a positive outlook on things. I am not sad about any of this. In fact I am kind of the mindset we are brought into people's lives and they into ours for reasons. I think perhaps my reason for being with your daddy has been UP for a long time now. My purpose here is done basically. Now it is your father's time to do what he needs to do to become a better person. SO I am not sad....depressed any longer.......angry or anything. I am HAPPY about moving forward and leaving this isolated deceitful existence. AND getting rid of the chaos and stress for you is long overdue and necessary and in fact because I have already done so.......you have changed into a completely different person. A much calmer and HAPPIER little boy.

I do want you to know something Noah. I want you to learn how important it is to be TRUTHFUL in all you do in life...to have INTEGRITY and not be afraid to live by what you BELIEVE IN no matter what anyone else says...including family members. Only YOU truly ever know what your life is like and what things are happening in it....not anyone else. SO CHOOSE to always do what is right for you.

I sometimes wish there were an easier way to make these changes. Money would probably help and somehow having a place already lined up to move into would be nice. BUT I want you to know you will never have to worry about anything cause I will make sure you have all you need and I already KNOW things will work out and will actually be better than you could possibly imagine.


Okay......we are packing our butts off this week. AND speaking of that I need to go.

I love you so much Noah Wesley. I KNOW you will turn into quite the BIG man one day.



KCsMom said...


Good luck on your move cross country. I have been follwing yours and Noah's story for awhile now and I have just fallen in love with the little guy. He is so precious and I think you are a great Mother. Please continue to tell Noah's story when you get moved and settled in. Everyone loves seeing that big smile and hearing Noah sing!

Good Luck to you and Noah,

K.C.'s Mommy

kyra said...

yes, you are a great mom and noah is a dear dear guy! please keep us posted. i will be thinking of you and noah as you make your way to your new home, to the new phase in your lives. happy new year and many blessings to you!!!!

LynAnne said...

I wish you both all the best for these difficult times and godspeed for your journey! Keep us updated as time permits.

gretchen said...

Best wishes to you and Noah. My son is 6, has PDD and likes to eat the icing off cakes too. You are certainly a brave and strong mommy and are making all the right choices for yourself and your son. You seem to have such a wonderful outlook on things- I think 2006 will be a great year for both of you. Keep us posted!

Melinda said...

thanks for the encouraging words..I will most definitely keep things going here with updates and Noah's journey!