Friday, April 17, 2009
Dear Noah.......frustration and lack of motivation.......
are apparently contagious. You have not wanted to do any school work this week. In fact.....lately it has been very difficult to get you to come in and do any school without dramatic rolling of the eyes....heaving sighs.......stamping of feet. It is exhausting.....
I have had a very difficult time keeping UPlifted about anything. I have had a difficult time this week staying focused on work.....to get those 8 hours out of the way first before even attempting to do any school work with you. If I am successful...there has still been a big price to pay. You still buck me the entire way....you get frustrated....then I do.....
I am cranky this week.....I feel a bit mad at the world....I am short with you at times which I don't want to be...we have accomplished very LITTLE school work. There is also the pressures of state mandated testing next week on 3 separate days which I will need to drive you to in order for you to take them. More stress..chaos to our routine.
Getting you dressed and teeth brushed every day has been challenging as well......and a bath.....well.....another story. I am thankful to get you in the actual tub once or twice a week. The rest of the time it is nothing or a quick wash off at the bathroom sink.
Soon I find myself just not wanting to do anything. I feel like giving up. Between working full time and doing homeschool with you....through the regular work week I have little time left to do much of anything on any given day anyway.....and on the days I do have time.....I am usually so tired I just want to do nothing at all. I could use help. I don't have help. It is all just me and you. It is a lot. You need time here at home for therapy work too....and I have had little time to devote to that. I take you to therapy 2-3 times per week...but it is not enough. You need more than that. It helps but we need to do some here at home as well. I must make time for it. No excuses. Same for school. I have to sit down this weekend and make a better schedule for us...for you....so we can actually get some things accomplished without such a struggle.
I start my day by waking up at 3:50 a.m. to begin work at 4:00, that way I can be done working by 12:30 p.m. so we can do school in the afternoons. However this week I have struggled getting started in the morning and struggled further just remaining seated in my chair and then have had almost NO time left by the time I do finally get my work finished to do anything else...I barely have time to dress myself or take a shower or brush my own teeth.
I am not complaining although it sounds like I am. I am so thankful I have a job that I can do from home and it is flexible and I am blessed. I am thankful we can do homeschool whenever we want as well here from home. Another blessing.
Sometimes I just wish things would flow a little smoother and a little easier. I get tired of things always having to be such a chore to get even the simplest of things accomplished. Everything becomes overwhelming and daunting. I get no sick days....no time off. I have no substitute to pull weight if I get sick or just don't feel like it one day. I also have no great insurance plan anymore that would cover for me if I ever would be sick...without me probably being forced to file bankruptcy to pay the bills. I have a high deductible.....so I will always be paying up front for my infrequent visits to any doctor. Which means I will go even less. Which means I am pressured to take even better care of myself....but at the same time I neglect it because I am too wrapped up with everything else. It becomes a catch 22.
I need a serious mental health week. I need time to finish this office/school room and get the rest of the house in order.....along with other things. I need time to make you a schedule to follow every day so I do not have to constantly remind you of what you need to do....things you should be doing on your own now without a reminder.
I need motivation. You are my motivation. And yet I am the one who has to tell myself to BUCK UP BABY and do whatever I need to do in order for us to continue to live.....in this rented house....pay the bills......do school......make it another day ..another month.....another year.
And your eating...it has to improve. You are way too limited in what you eat. You must try new things to broaden your food choices. I cannot afford to take you out to a place to eat every day and that is not healthy anyway. Seems lately I cannot make anything just right for you....it is "too brown" or "not brown enough"..."too dry" or "it smells funny". So another thing gets crossed OFF your list instead of something being added to your list of choices. Your list has grown smaller this week alone. What you used to eat you eat no longer..for now anyway....but the problem is nothing was added to replace that item.
Today I must pry you out of your pajamas and get you into the tub. I must wash your hair. You lost one of your loose teeth yesterday when I finally got you into the bathroom to brush your teeth. You stayed up way too late again last night.
Sometimes the conveniences and options that go along with working from home and homeschooling can also cause us to realize we don't HAVE to do anything if we don't want...like get dressed...etc. BUT....except for a pajama day occasionally..we both need to get back into the routine of getting up....getting dressed and ready for the day.
I could go on and on...but now I am even further behind on my work load.
I love you Noah......regardless. I hope you feel the same for me because I certainly feel like I should be doing so much more for you than I am able at this time. There is just not enough time or money in most cases....and I need my job to pay our bills.....and I am thankful for that......again don't get me wrong. I want and need to work full-time.......but that really cuts into the quality of the time we do have left in our day. I am not asking for that job to be cut in any way to improve the quality of our days together....I just need to figure out other ways I can improve it.