Noah last night

So last night Noah started crying at bedtime. He wanted "company" in his bed. I said "company?" and he proceeded to tell me how he needed company in his bed again to sleep. I said "well you have Mr. Teddy" and he said "but he is just a toy", "I need a real person to be in bed with me". "I need you to sleep with me again or me to be in your bed".

This about broke my heart. For years I had allowed Noah to just sleep in my bed cause I was always in there sleeping alone anyway....and.....with his autism and the fact that he would sometimes wake up at night and maybe I could not hear where he went or what he did I figured if he was in the room with me and in the same bed I would be aware of his comings and goings and he would be safer. I felt safer having him in there with me all the time. He must have felt more secure and safer as well cause he did not get up and try to go out the front door anymore..etc.

SO this went on for a long time. As he started to get older I thought perhaps I needed to try to get him to start sleeping in his own bed again. As an infant and young toddler he had no problems with it. BUT I have to also admit I enjoyed him sleeping with me. Sharing that special time with him....knowing it would not last forever.....savoring every moment where he would be lying beside me....and looking so sweetly as he would be breathing....with such a peaceful look on his face. I told myself well..he will one day get to where he will not want to sleep with mommy anymore and this will be lost in time forever. SO I savored it more. Then I realized perhaps I was making him co-dependent on me to sleep....to just live in the world. I also realized as a parent it is my job to prepare him to be an independent person one day in life. AND to NOT be afraid to be so but to desire it. SO I KNEW at 7 it was time to start making this transition. I had talked to a doctor about it prior to my moving back to Ohio. Because of Noah's special needs and autism it is not totally uncommon to have a child like him sleep in bed with the parents for a long time....age 9....12......who knows...maybe in the same "room" forever. BUT I KNEW I could not let this happen...it would not be in the best interest for Noah.

SO I had started working with him to get him sleeping by himself in Colorado. He was in "my" bed but sleeping by himself as I was sleeping on the sofa. He seemed to do well in a larger bed...maybe that was all there was to it.

SINCE our move to grandma's house...he picked her sleigh bed to sleep in and has had no problems sleeping alone and being a big boy about it all..WITHOUT any prompting from me....until last night. When he suddenly was wanting to share that time with me again. I have to say I was tempted. I was tempted to let him slip into my bed or go into his room later and crawl into bed with him. BUT I also knew...I could not do that...for it would mean all the steps forward he had taken would be shot back to step one again. SO I DID NOT.

This morning however I found him in my bed......he had gotten up to pee...and apparently crawled into bed with me right before I woke up. WHEN I woke up...I saw him there WITH Mr. Teddy. I asked him what he was doing ....he said "Me and Mr. Teddy decided we wanted a little company". So sweet...so we snuggled up a bit...before getting up to start our days.

All this however has drummed up all kinds of emotions in me. I have always understood the realization that certain parts of your lifetime are only temporary...and the fact that you need to enjoy them while they last.....I know kids do not stay kids forever. I savor every moment in time I can with Noah while each one lasts. KNOWING all too well soon he will be a pre-teen...then teen...and a young adult...and then a man. My part in his life to shape him and prepare him for HIS journey in HIS life in THIS world will basically be over then. Those sweet nights I have treasured for so long will become memories to recall as I get older.......and I sit here with tears in my eyes....realizing that special time for "us" is most likely over forever.......and I have to wonder if I will ever be able to see him in any other way...other than that most precious little boy he once was.

I will love you for eternity Noah...my most precious "little" man