Dear Noah:

Well tonight after I had to make you come upstairs because grandma basically needed a break from you...as you continued to try to climb in her lap, hurting her legs. I had to tell you to come upstairs with me....to give grandma a break. You wanted to finish watching Emeril. You got upset...and hauled off and HIT ME and HIT ME HARD. Something you have not done since you were about 3.

I KNOW you just want to love on everyone. You are so filled with love and want to share it with all. You love hugs. You hug just about everyone if you can.

Part of me feel like such a failure....I need to do so many things to provide for you and it has been extremely difficult. A bit stressful too...so much of all your needs depends on me.

Living with grandma has been a huge blessing..but also trying. She tries to understand you and your autism but she also just does not accept the fact that there are things you do differently because OF your autism and sensory integration issues..etc. WHY she thinks she needs to ask the same questions over and over and over about the same things and why you are not doing something or do not want to eat something or smell something or feel something.....it is exhausting and tiring on my part to continually explain to her that I just accept it as the way you are.

IF YOU do NOT want to eat any other margarine but Blue Bonnet and you CAN tell the difference..I honor that and do not try to make you eat anything other than Blue Bonnet.

If you do not wish to eat all your chocolate chip cookie...I could care less. I do NOT make you clean your plate. I know you will eat what you are hungry for and NOT overeat. NO weight issues on your part unlike my grandma has had......no reason to eat all the cookie if you only like the soft gooey inside parts. She does not understand this. She thinks you are wasting food.

You have had a very hard time being around when she is washing clothes or cooking....as the sounds and smells bother you tremendously. She said she did not get much company but she does....a lot more than we ever do in our entire lives together! The constant disruption in our routine or day is different for you and me. Yuo are trying so hard to handle it all and relish company! BUT it is near impossible then for me to get you to do anything else.

SO life has been extremely challenging. Trying to explain for the millionth time to someone that you do not like for them to look at you when you do certain things....or why you don't want certain foods sitting beside you at the table cause they smell funny to you...or why you have to have 2 forks at the supper table so you can use them to STIM....etc....is overwhelming to say the least. I spend all my free time explaining or doing paperwork.

BUT I will love you forever.......always....just as you are.

Love,

Mommy