Saturday, June 05, 2004

Dear Noah: was a good day..till this afternoon/evening. This morning we all went to a Christmas Open House at the Pillar of Fire castle and they had a wonderful carnival going on and they had hay rides, carriage rides, games for kids to play....slides....jumping/bouncing things...etc. You had a ball! We did not go up the 60 FOOT high slide with you that you had to sit on a burlap sack on to slide down it! YOU DID...MANY TIMES. It was a hot sunny day but the breeze finally kicked in and the day was gorgeous. You got so red so fast.

TODAY was even more special because it was the first day you actually WENT OUT IN THE PUBLIC WITHOUT any pull ups on. You did great!! We were so proud of you!! Before leaving home I asked if you would be able to pee or poop in someone else's potty if you had to because that was a real issue for you before. You said "yes Mommy". SO...I packed some extra underwear, shorts and a couple of pulls up in case and off we went. YOU STUNNED me and your daddy. You went to the Castle's bathroom and peed....then to Fazoli's bathroom to pee.....then you peed in Big Lots potty! WOW. I was so happy and proud of you.

However...when we came home you decided to NOT poop in the toilet but do it in your underwear instead. That ticked me off. computer for you...I had to YELL at you to get you to even listen to me. I had to paddle/swat your butt which I HATED doing as I DO NOT want you to be afraid of me or be sad and unhappy or have bad memories etc..of things from your childhood. BUT..I guess there are unfortunately some times when you as a parent just HAVE TO LAY DOWN THE LAW. I guess I did that with you today a FEW TIMES. You ended up pooping in the potty ONCE today and in your underwear 4 other times. What messes. The last time (was when) I caught you off guard by swatting your butt and yelling at you. I felt so bad...and sorry...but you needed to listen to me and I guess I could say that unfortunately the paddling/swat got your attention! AND of course this was all happening while I was trying to talk to someone I know in Ohio...never fails..this always happens when I get on the phone. SO.....I cleaned you up...and explained things to you and then told you to go to bed. I tucked you in.....told you I was sorry I had to paddle/swat you but that you needed to listen. I asked you if your forgave said yes...and then asked if I forgave you..I said yes....we kissed and I wiped your tears and you fell asleep.

NOW I sit out here typing and feel like a total jerk. I worry about what you thought or will think of me. I do pray and hope nothing bad. I HATE being the way I was with you tonight and I hate it even more that I seem to have to raise my voice to you and your daddy to get either one of you to listen to what I am saying...which brings me to MY dad and how he was and how I hated that and I remember living like I was walking on eggshells all the time and never knowing if he was going to hit me (but not swatting on the butt via a diaper) or someone else for no reason even! NO person needs or should have to live like that. I NEVER want to be like him in that regard and have tried very hard to NOT be....but then there are days like today and I wonder if I have turned into him even if for a few hours. OUCH.

SO..I am truly sorry and do hope and PRAY TO GOD you will GET IT and start peeing and pooping in the potty ALL the time and be good at it and accomplish this so we can all move forward to other things in our lives. I pray I have not been too hard on you and that you remember the consequences for your actions or lack of actions but that you are also not afraid of me or worry about what I will do to you...etc. I made sure to only paddle you or swat you on your butt. THAT would be the ONLY appropriate place and I really am not one for paddling to begin with..but if someone MUST paddle (and by this I mean SWAT) it should only be on the butt. usual I am rattling on and on. Something I seem to do when I try to convince myself I am okay and we will all be okay and the world is okay and we are all forgiven of our continual sins...and tomorrow will be a better day!!

I LOVE YOU more than you will ever possibly know.

Your mommy!!

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