We have 1 more unit to finish in American History before school officially starts for you this year and we will be able to do that easily. I am hopeful and prayerful that this year will go smoothly and be easy for you and as stressfree as possible.
A couple of weeks ago after coming back from the store and running errands once we got home instead of helping me bring in sacks of groceries or at least opening the door for me in between my trips carrying stuff in (which I am trying to teach you to do) you ran off as usual to your room leaving me in your dust. I got angry and raised my voice to you (which I know does not work well with you but I lost it a bit anyway) and you of course reacted very poorly to that. You came out crying and practically screaming yourself. In fact...you did SCREAM a loud ear piercing scream as you came at me trying to hit me. When I held back your hands you then tried to kick me in the stomach. WOW...you have not had any episodes like this in years but it was amazing how quickly I remembered trying times like this for you in the past.
I finally got you calmed down...I calmed down....you were so upset...so was I. You ran and grabbed a note pad and pencil and wrote me a long apology. This is what the note said:
HUGE APOLOGY. I am sorry about what I done. I never meant for that to happen. It just slipped out of me. Forgive me pretty pretty please. I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!
Well we had a long talk. I explained what I was trying to teach you and the fact that you are approaching 12 years of age and are more than old enough to start helping me with some things around here such as bringing in groceries or opening the door and closing it behind me so I can carry in armfuls of stuff. You were crying still...and I think were afraid I was mad or did not love you anymore or something. I explained how you cannot act the way you did....not to that extent..and especially not try to hit someone when angry. AND all the whys....and reminded you how you normally work through things...and calm down first and use words now to express your issues. I also apologized for raising my voice to you but also said I should not have to yell to get you to listen to me and to help...etc. We both apologized....worked through the entire episode.
You then told me you had written down some of your "thoughts" on the back of the apology note. When I turned it over it said:
P.S. Also, I am sorry for acting like Shadow the Hedgehog. He loses his temper as much as I did.
and under that was this disturbing statement:
Thoughts I'm gonna commit suicide.
WHAT???????? Where did that come from? I asked you why you felt that way? You said you were so ashamed of how you acted and were afraid I guess I would no longer love you because of your behavior so that made you not want to live. I told you I would love you no matter what. I may not like things you do sometimes in your life but I still love you...you are my son....so many people would miss you if you did anything to hurt yourself...how much we all love you...etc. I also said I love you like God loves us...we mess up all the time but ask for forgiveness and forgive and forget and go on....so we can move forward. That this is how we sometimes learn important lessons in life..etc. I felt HORRIBLE that you felt so badly about things and how you had acted and really wanted you to know it was okay you messed up. I reminded you I messed up as well by losing my temper too. What a mess. I also pointed out how your life is a GIFT from GOD and you should never try to end it...especially if you want to get to heaven one day.
We had such a long talk....you cried a lot...got a horrible headache...and I felt like a really crappy mom for a long time.
BUT we worked through it all. You said there were TWO times in your life that were horrible that you would remember forever...one was this night..and the other a night where you apparently told me you would kill me if I did not quit acting the way I was about correcting (YELLING) at OPIE our cat. AGAIN because it upset you so much and so fast and you did not know how to contain all your anxiousness and express your feelings fast enough. I told you I really did not even remember that statement anymore...and I really don't. KIND of do but not really....hopefully also like GOD will do for us....I am not keeping any running tally of our mistakes Noah....yours or mine. We have to both try to forgive ourselves as well as each other when we mess up.
We are less than perfect...but we can continue to try to be the best we can be for each other. We are a team. We are in this together for the long haul...we have to work together to make this a success.
sigh........tensions....anxiety......hopefully relieved. I have allowed you some extra sleepovers in my room for reassurance. You are spending so much time in your room these last days of summer. Trying to get you OUT of the room is almost impossible unless we go somewhere.
BUT I LOVE YOU...so very much. Always have...always will....