Dear Noah....your new big Christmas tree for your room

Last year after Christmas we went to K-mart and you picked out a tree that was on sale...for like 25.00. It was prelit and 6-1/2 or 7 feet tall. This year we decided to put that tree in your room and you decorated the entire tree yourself. I think you did a fabulous job too!

I look at you in the photograph I took and realize how much older you  have gotten already. You are turning into quite the  young man now. I still cannot believe in a few weeks you will turn 16 years old already.

I love you!

Mom

Dear Noah......you could not go back to sleep after dreaming about elevators....

I woke up this morning off and on like I always do...for some reason woke up again about the time I normally would for work...around 3:30 a.m.....and I looked across the room and saw something...looked like white glowing legs....on the bottom near the floor but dark on top. Hum....I thought, "Should I open my eyes further and look better to see what MIGHT be there?" My mind still had not totally decided that was a good idea, but my eyes did not hesitate and they looked up...up my eyes went and tried to focus...and then I realized Noah was standing there leaning against the wall. I asked him how long he had been standing there. He said, "A half hour." I said, "A half hour? WHY? Why did you not say anything to me and just stand there? Why did you not even try to wake me up?"

Noah has done this off and on since he was very little. I know it has a lot to do with his autism and just not really either knowing what to do in that situation or not knowing how to "explain" it to me.....(and now I think he is afraid he will wake me up) so he will often just come to the side of my bed or wherever I am sleeping and just "stand there." No words...just stands there. He told me he had actually been out in the kitchen before standing there in the living room beside me sleeping on the sofa.

I guess he was having a very hard time sleeping. It sounds like he had a dream where he was going up and down in elevators and checking elevators out (which he LOVES) and his arms and legs were MOVING and it woke him up. Once awake...his mind obsessed on the elevators and he could not put those thoughts away for the night so he could sleep. ALSO a very common issue for people with autism....and many other people as well. Noah used to basically not sleep much at all....could not get his mind to be "quiet" so he could "sleep." I worked with him on many methods to get around this including but not limited to (lol), telling yourself it was "okay" to put all those thoughts away for the night in an imaginary box beside your bed where the next day you could open the box and take all those same thoughts BACK OUT and begin thinking about them again, but that your "mind" needed some quiet time to sleep and rest. This actually worked for him. He said now he can usually "quiet" his mind and free it up from thoughts so he can go to sleep...but after the elevator dream he could not. I guess he did not know what to do. So he came out and "stood."

He said he calls nights like this when he cannot sleep "hotel nights" ...because when we used to go to hotels during our travels back and forth from Colorado to Ohio on vacations we would spend time in hotels (which he loves doing to this day) and he was always so excited he would usually NOT be able to sleep and would get up and look out the hotel window off and on all night...and finally, eventually be able to go back to sleep. I guess there are times now when he will wake up in his bedroom....look out the window a few times...and finally he can fall asleep on his own.

The other night he got up...and I swore he was up...I was working...I called out to him...he never responded. I finally got up (within seconds) and went to check to see if he was up. I did not see him anywhere. I opened his bedroom door and he was sound asleep. I later found out that day he HAD gotten up...but somehow had gone to the bathroom and got back into bed and back to sleep before I got out of my chair and checked on him? This was like all less than a minute and a half. HE DID hear me call out to him but he never responded.

Anyway.....last night he brought his afghan out to the love seat and folded his long legs and body into a position to try to sleep out there beside me. We talked for a bit. He finally sounded like he was getting tired...and next thing I know he was once again sound asleep.

I cherish moments like these though. Even though I was going to lose some sleep on my one morning I could sleep in.....I was soaking it all up and trying to embed it in my brain as another memory.

One day I know our roles might be reversed...and I just hope he has as much patience and love for me during any difficult times I might have....as I try to always give him..haha..not sure he will....but he would probably HIRE someone else to "tend" to me that might hee hee.

While Noah has made huge strides over his lifetime so far..I know many areas he will need to work on...and that most still revolve around expressive language and learning to use his words to express easily what he is thinking or how he is feeling or what he needs or just what is going on in certain situations. This has never come easily to him and still does not. Sometimes he just does not talk at all because he says it is too hard for him to express what he is thinking. I know it can take him a long time to get something out verbally.

Anyway.....those 2 little white glowing legs were his......and I can say I am certainly thankful they were!

Dear Noah.......school is right around the corner!

I can't believe the summer is basically over and today it is Labor Day already! You will turn 16 years old in December. I can't believe that either! You could be driving a car now..but have decided you would rather wait until you are at least 16...can't believe that as well!

Where has the time gone? I have told you many times life is a series of blinks...the year goes by in blinks. Well...reaching Labor Day was a blink...and we  have a few basic blinks now till the end of this year!

Blink...and it will be fall....Blink and it will be Halloween...Blink...Thanksgiving...Blink...Christmas and your birthday...

Blink...another new year.

If you go by the major holidays or season changes as the basic blinks of life....there are only 12 or 13 on average per year. AND THEY GO BY SO QUICKLY!

So....guess what? BLINK....school will be starting up again....ready or not here we come!

I love you....my little man who is growing up and sometimes a grumpy little typical teenage man....who probably thinks his mama is not very smart and he knows everything...

but I still love you....oh where or where has my little man gone? (I know you are still in there somewhere!)

XOXOXOX

Dear Noah....you will be starting your sophomore year soon!

AND it is so hard to believe. Seems like only  yesterday you were sitting on the swing with grandpa L. and your cousin Audrey.

This December you will become 16 years old.

I guess your mama better get it together and quick! You are actually able to start driving with a learner's permit now...but have decided you would rather wait until you are at least 16  years old. I think that is a good idea lol.

I love you my little man..who is slowly yet quickly transforming into a young adult.

Mom
XOXOXOX

Dear Noah...you are growing up

Dear Noah....a gorgeous Saturday and A&W Root Beer

 We had a nice visit from grandma C and uncle Mike Saturday morning....after they left we got some lunch and took it to the park to eat. It was a gorgeous day weather-wise. Nice and sunny...only about 71 degrees outside. We then decided to drive to Union City, Indiana and go get a root beer at the A&W Root Beer stand.

LOVELY day for a drive. You love their root beer. I tried to get you to

smile..but as you can see you nearly spit it out as you took a big swig and then I said SMILE right afterwards. ANYWAY...we enjoyed the day. Next up was railfanning...watching a couple of long trains that came through Union City and then you taking pics of RR crossings. Back home and a nice evening there too.

I love you my little mustache man.

Mom
XOXOXOX

Happy Easter!

 When Noah was little, he did not enjoy coloring Easter eggs all that much...and most often when his aunties and I would get together to color the eggs (as we still enjoy doing it)..he would opt out. I think it had a lot to do with getting messy dye on his fingers.

Well this year he started out early asking if we were going to color Easter eggs this year. I finally told him we could..if he would actually do it.

SO I boiled a dozen eggs...and put 2 in that were brown shells just to see how

 they might look colored. They turned out more Army green and brown. BUT..here he is...and enjoying coloring the eggs. One broke after boiling so I ate that one. I decided to let him color all 11 eggs himself...oh...I guess I did end up coloring one to show him how it was done as he could not really remember. He did the other 10. He seemed to really enjoy it and did not mind all that much that some dye got on his fingers. Here are his finished results.
Happy Easter everyone!

Dear Noah...you are becoming a young man now...

This is how you come out most every morning now to greet me. You are wearing your 4th Doctor Who scarf you got for Christmas. You love it and I guess you want to make sure you get to wear it other than just outside in cold weather with your winter coat..so you have taken to wearing it in the house upon arising with your PJs's still on and even sitting in your room.

I look at you now and see how you and even your body is changing and you are turning into a young man before my eyes. I cannot believe you are already 15 years old and growing up so fast. It seems only yesterday you were a little toddler.

I love you my little man, well, my young man, and I will forever and ever!

Mom XOXOX

Happy 15th Birthday Noah!

Oh my gosh...I cannot believe you are 15 years old today. Seems like only a few short days ago you were born...not 15 years. Amazing how fast time goes by. Bittersweet actually.

You are growing into quite the young man...and getting very tall, very quickly. You are a good head taller or more than your mama now.

I wish you the best life has to offer....filled with all the wonderful blessings you can imagine....good health forever, happiness and much success in anything you choose.

I will love you to the moon and back, again and again and again, forever and ever and ever!

Mom
XOXOXOX


This year you had a Doctor Who Tardis cake.....and you received a Doctor Who scarf (same as the 4th Doctor Who wore in the series) for Christmas....you love that scarf. You came out wearing it with your pajamas on the other morning. Here are a couple of pics....and one of you and me at Christmas. See how tall you are getting? AND you with your cousins..Alex 21 and Audrey 14.

Dear Noah....you often say such profound things...

Noah and I went to see the movie "Frozen" last week...we had free passes...anyway....the next day while talking about the movie...Noah said "I think that is the most genuinely happy I have ever felt in my life for a long time!" I asked him what he meant by that...thinking he felt happy all the time. He has always seemed a happy kid...ever since he was little. He has a hard time explaining things but finally said it was because the entire time he sat there watching it...he was smiling...all the time...and it was EASY to smile....not a forced smile like I guess he has had to learn to do sometimes in his life...this smile and happiness all came very easily while he watched a simple movie. It was almost a musical animated movie...and he liked the music...we did bust out laughing a LOT through the movie...and could just about predict when they would break out in song and dance...even that became funny. BUT it was his statement that was profound and offered a lot of insight for me into his emotions...how someone with autism has to learn to express his emotions and DISPLAY them to the point where they do not come all that naturally but are things learned....sometimes forced....and I guess for this one brief moment in time..he felt what he called "true happiness"...and it was because of the EASE it was for him to actually FEEL happy and be able to smile without even "thinking" about it....

ROAD TRIP/FIELD TRIP to SNOOK's DREAM CARS automobile museum in Bowling Green, Ohio

Dear Noah.....well...we finally decided to take a road trip/field trip yesterday on my day off from work. We decided to take a 2-hour drive up to SNOOK's Dream Cars Automobile Museum and check it out. We had an awesome drive up...and you got to see all sorts of things you have never seen before. I think you enjoyed the drive up and back more than anything....you even said so..but you did really enjoy the entire trip too. So did I and I have to say I managed to walk around pretty well and lasted the entire day and then some!

Snook's was incredible. It looks like an old Texaco Gas Station and inside it is filled with all sorts of memorabilia and cars from the 30s, 40s and 50s. Just awesome and definitely a place to go back to.

SO many pics...I will post a couple here...You also got to see a  large body of water for the first time...Grand Lake St. Mary's....and a cool old retro-looking Denny's restaurant...in Findlay, Ohio. We stopped at Jeffrey's Antique Gallery and Homestead Collections in Findlay, Ohio. ALL amazing places with all sorts of goodies to look at and purchase! LOTS MORE walking too!

We even stopped for groceries and at the dollar store before heading home. We had a busy day and a great day! WONDERFUL weather for a drive though it did finally rain on the way home.

We may plan another road trip/field trip soon...but we need to decide where. We have a few places we would like to go to this year and next.

I love you. I really enjoyed my day with you yesterday and our time together!

Mom
XOXOX


Well..I will have to add pics later. I have tried THREE times and nothing is working.

Dear Noah.....you are growing up so quickly....

wow..Noah is not yet 15 years old and already thinking "adult thoughts" he said...which means for him "he said"....learning to do laundry....cooking his food...car driving lessons...MOVING OUT on his own....He told me this on a drive home last night. He has mentioned it before to me...and I am actually teaching him all these life skills and more at home this year in school...so he will be very prepared...but then he said he thought maybe he would move to Missouri! When I asked him WHY he said it was "halfway between his mom and dad"....He has talked often about moving to different states and living near their capitals.

It is my job to get  him ready to be out in the world one day....and we have much to do to get him to that point, probably more than with another young adult who did not have some of his other issues....and while he is very much looking forward to that day....I am just thankful I have a few more years to get used to the idea and hopefully adjusted to a life without him physically in it every day ...as since he was born that is how my life has been. I adjusted my life to be home with him full time to work with him and his autism and sensory integration issues and generalized anxiety issues and speech delay and physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and then eventually homeschooling. Hard to imagine the day when he will finally be ready to be on his own let alone grasp that idea...and while some parents look forward to that day or push their kids out maybe even before they are ready...I enjoy all my time with Noah and imagine I will feel more than lost without him here all the time as he has always been. SO...besides working with him to  prepare him for his future life on his own...I will have to work with myself to prepare myself for my future life on my own. 

I love you Noah ...probably so much more than you are likely to ever really know or understand.

Mom
XOXOXO

Dear Noah....so thankful for you....

As I watch you growing up seemingly by the minute...each day getting taller and taller....I am still so thankful you are more than willing to give lots of hugs and kisses to your ole' mama....and still love to snuggle and laugh so much. I LOVE spending time with you Noah Wesley and hope you always enjoy spending time with me.

I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever and ever...to infinity and beyond (we started saying this to each  other way back in Colorado days..do you still remember it?)

Mom
XOXOXO

Noah over the years.....surrounded by pumpkins.....

Every year we try to go back and take a new photo at the same location so we can look back one day and see how much Noah has grown. I was going through a few today...hard to believe he will soon be 15 years old! Noah...you are such a great kid...always have been..always will be. I love you!

Dear Noah....slowly getting back into a school routine of sorts

We have been spending time just going over things we want to cover this year...looking at websites and materials we will be using....and you are very excited about school this year as am I.

Hard to believe it is going into 2nd week of September already.

A blink and it will be Halloween....

Another blink...Thanksgiving....

Then blink..it will be Christmas and New Year's....and

BLINK....another who new year begins again.

Does not seem possible you will be 15 years old end of December either.

Wow.....we best get cracking!

I love you!

Mom
XOXOXO

Dear Noah.....a painting of you when little...

just decided to do a painting of you when you were little  yesterday...and I like how it turned out. You then asked if I could do one of you and how you look NOW....so I guess that will be my next project.

I love very much Noah.

Mom
XOXOXO

Dear Noah...Monster trucks are in town....

and you got to see one up close and personal. They are having a show at our local racetrack (Eldora Speedway) so we may go and see it....we have  not really decided for sure. Since it is OUTdoors it might be okay and the sound would  probably not bother you too much..though I imagine we still might need ear protection. I think about how far we may have to walk or go up any steps into bleachers..etc...and wonder if I can maneuver ...but we will see. It is supposed to rain but maybe the weather will hold. Here you are with Captain Curse...

On another note entirely, I realized the last few days that kids with autism as they go through life are a lot different than their peers...as all their accomplishments and achievements are some of the same milestones their peers have already achieved a long time ago. Some kids with autism may never even achieve simple developmental milestones, whether they be physical, emotional or both. Most are private and personal...and there is no big award ceremony or banquet or big public display of acknowledgment for what you have accomplished.

While I am okay with this (as I am sure you are Noah)...I do try to make all the things you finally do overcome a big deal here for you personally...or at least I try to. Personally, I do not hold necessarily higher esteem for someone who can do certain things more so than someone else. So what, you know? But the PUBLIC RECOGNITION of their accomplishments exists for them, whereas for someone like you, at least right now with your TYPE of accomplishments, you will most likely not experience this. Most of your achievements probably seem very small to most people....and most would wonder why you have not already mastered them.

This has made me feel odd and I am not sure why. I have spent the last few days trying to figure out what bothers me about any of this. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it is because all your achievements and goals you meet are JUST AS BIG and IMPORTANT as anyone else's and while maybe not being able to be publicly recognized, should somehow still be recognized. But we don't have award ceremonies for an autistic child approaching his teen years (for example) who has finally learned to go do number 2 all by himself and wipe his own bottom. We don't hold banquets for autistic kids who can finally let something "go" that used to bother them and take over their whole day with worry and repetition or meltdowns. No one is there to acknowledge when you finally can print  your name or write anything at all, even though it still might look like it was handwritten by a 2nd grader. There is no announcement to the masses when you can finally go up to another child and say hello and ask them their name without prompting. The list is long and I could go on and on....but the end is the same.

I imagine most in our immediate world around us, while recognizing you have come a long way, probably still have no real idea of just how far that has actually been. Most do not ever even ask. Most do not make any comments to me, let alone to you.

Here, your autism comes in handy as you really do not care lol...and part of me does not either....and yet I still feel odd about it all. Do I think you are missing out on something? Am I afraid others think  you are somehow LESS than they are? NOT keeping up?

I know you will surpass many in your lifetime. I have no worries. I also know there are many areas where you will likely always be a little bit or a big bit behind your peers. That is okay too, though I do admit I worry about your safety sometimes in the world.

I love you Noah no matter what. We will continue plugging along with school and working on things to prepare you to be on your own one day. It is, I guess, more of a "private" thing we do...and I guess as long as we know what is happening, that is all that really matters anyway.

Mom (still want to say Mommy but I know you don't call me that anymore)

You are growing up so fast. I love you.

XOXOOXOXOX

Dear Noah...paddle boating with my cousin....outing at your great uncle and aunt's house

Needless to say you and I had a great time and you want to do the paddle boats again next visit! I will keep this short. Hard to believe we are in the middle of July already! I love you Noah!!

Mom
XOXOX

Dear Noah.....visit with grandma C.....and puffy clouds...

Just a quick  update. We had a nice visit with grandma C. on Sunday. SO MANY beautiful clouds on the drive home..they were gorgeous. Once back home..the sun was out but some clouds were all around us...lots of blue sky though..and I heard this sound and thought the wind had  picked up. Here it was RAIN! It was pouring down rain and the SUN WAS SHINING the entire time it rained! There must have been a rain cloud over our house...never saw any around us but wow did it rain! We saw a rainbow over the neighbor's house across the street and you really were excited to see it rain when it was SUNNY outside as you really have not ever seen that before. I can probably count only on 1 hand the number of times I have seen this  happen in my lifetime and I have never seen it rain so hard in the sunshine as it did on Sunday. Anyway...here are a couple of pics. I love ya!

Mom
XOXOXO

Dear Noah....you are growing up so fast...

This was before you got your hair cut. I think you look great with longer hair...and also the shorter hair. You are a cutie...and I love you very much.

MOM!
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