Dear Noah:

So tonight you came running into your bedroom. You grabbed at your heart. We thought you were going to say something about how your heart was beating so fast. Instead you told Daddy, "oh wait"......(while holding onto your heart)....and then "I thought God wasn't there....but I was wrong...He is right there in my heart."

Which got me to thinking. Do you suppose you somehow think of God actually BEING IN your heart? OR do you think your heart and its beating IS GOD? I know you have always been adamant about how GOD was IN YOU and you used to even say YOU were GOD....when we think you meant you wanted to be like God? Our pastor once told you that GOD was IN your heart. SO I am curious...but am thinking perhaps you associate your beating heart with GOD then. SO I guess your heart was beating funny again tonight or perhaps skipped a beat or two and you were "afraid" GOD was no longer there? BUT you then (after feeling it beating) said you were wrong and GOD was IN YOUR HEART!

ALL I can say is you understand WAY more than many adults do in regards to God and religious things. It amazes me. I am prayerful you will carry that into your adulthood.

I LOVE YOU!

Mommy 

Noah filmed this himself....talking about something he wanted me to do on his computer...not exactly sure...it involved a game..but the end is so cute...he tells me he loves me!

another pic but a bit blurry! 

Noah Lost His First Tooth!

Yep..finally! You had 2 loose bottom teeth but 2 already coming in behind them. We were worried you might not lose the bottom front teeth without some kind of problem...but then they got looser...and yesterday we were getting ready to leave the house and go to the library and you kind of winced and said "my tooth is really loose" and headed to the bathroom. Now I had been told by our occupational therapist that she had another autistic child whose parents also thought the same as us...but their child ended up pulling their loose teeth out! I had kind of felt you COULD end up being that way...and end up NOT being afraid to pull your own teeth out..which I was secretly HOPING would be the case as I did not want to have to pull them or take you to the dentist for any procedures. After a second or two you came out of the bathroom saying "okay...my tooth is out now" like you were all ready to go. I looked and it was gone and your mouth had blood inside it. I asked you where the tooth was and you said on the floor in the bathroom. Sure enough there it was! I immediately praised and praised you, trying to distract attention from the growing pool of blood in your mouth for fear you would freak out and have a bad association with the entire experience which would make future episodes even worse. I also wanted to keep the blood IN your mouth and not on your coat or shirt which I knew MIGHT freak you out. SO back to the bathroom we went where no matter what I said you would not rinse or spit...which was okay as you did not see the blood this way. Instead I took you back to the kitchen and got your bottle of ice water and had you take sips of that.....telling you to rinse and just swallow it...that it was okay to swallow your blood and that it what blood tasted like and this was all normal, etc. You did so well and mommy and daddy were so PROUD of you and so relieved the tooth came out. You turned it in to the tooth fairy last night hoping to get a GOLD COIN...sure enough this morning you had a GOLD DOLLAR coin! You were excited to see that! Now the second bottom front tooth is getting looser..so we will probably do the entire routine again soon. I AM JUST SO THANKFUL you can PULL your own teeth without a hitch! You are unique. What tends to bother most usually does not bother you...on the other hand what normally does not bother most...usually WILL bother you.

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE TOOTHLESS MAN and am SO PROUD OF YOU!

Mommy (and daddy) 

Noah playing his piano

Dear Noah

You are such a sweetie pie! We were shopping yesterday in a store and you said "Let's walk down the Hallmark section" and we did. You said you wanted to get a card to send to Grandma Lincoln. So you said "oh here is one where you write your own message!" and you grabbed it. You then said "well I need to get one for Grandpa Lincoln too!" so you did. Then of course you could not forget Grandma Custer.

So..you have some writing assignments coming up as you picked 3 cards where you write your own message to send to them all. I also told you that you needed to work on some Thanksgiving cards!

Doing great in speech therapy!!! You have been a bit hyper-wound something or other lately!

I love you my little man...and you "took a catnap" again in your own bed last night.

OH...update on the lower teeth....both new ones coming in behind the front teeth on the bottom....but...the BOTTOM LOWER TEETH ARE INDEED VERY LOOSE now so I imagine they will fall out soon enough. You are a bit excited about that. Said you will be a man soon. Also are excited about what the tooth fairy might bring you!

Mommy (HUGS AND KISSES!!)

You are too cute Noah. Yesterday driving around doing errands you saw this and said "hey...they are making clouds!" So cute. I think you have said this before...and yes..in reality I guess they are making clouds as that is all steam and then clouds developed above them! 

Dinosaur Ridge

Dear Noah:

Well you just wanted to take a SUNDAY CRUISE today after church and dinner at a restaurant..so we drove around. Ended up in the foothills at Dinosaur Ridge. Was a bit chilly up there and we did not have winter coats so we did not stay too long. Since we have started to study rocks and minerals in school we picked up a few. You however were NOT in the mood to be shopping or checking things out INSIDE a store. You wanted to head back to the car and KEEP MOVING!!

I took a couple of short video clips of the area but they are not showing the color very well for some reason. We saw many dinosaur tracks..and they even had dinosaur teeth and other bones for sale. Many things....it was pretty interesting!

You enjoyed yourself. You kept wanting to drive and then said you wanted to DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO NEW MEXICO! hahaha. Not exactly sure where that idea came from. When I asked you...you said "from my mind". BUT we drove around for a couple of hours.....had a nice time...stopped a few places...back home now. You are a bit calmed down but also wired at the same time.

Your two bottom teeth seem to be moving a bit to allow those new teeth coming in more room perhaps? Not sure...we are still praying and hoping SO!

Here is a clip of you digging for bones at Dinosaur Ridge....that I will have to post later as the video place is not working right!

A little better

Here he was answering questions fairly well but was not speaking as clearly as he can and was not really showing as much as he really knows about things.

More

He had a very hard time sitting or standing and got super excited and a bit wild when trying to answer some questions he knows the answers to but kept saying he did not know. Spinning around...scoping...more sounds.

Noah and a trying school day

Noah had a semi-trying school day today. Hard time concentrating...lots of noise and movement. Just wanted to make noise and move and kept saying "I don't know" when he DOES know answers to things. Here are a few samples

Dear Noah

So this morning I noticed new front lower teeth coming in BEHIND your baby front lower teeth. We can only hope and pray your baby teeth come out and soon and make room for the permanent. I cannot imagine what it might be like to try to get you to see a dentist let alone have to have something major done. They would have to sedate you and sedate you just to sedate you....and I don't know how they can even do that! AND then they would have to keep you sedated probably as your mouth would hurt and you would be screaming and crying probably afterwards. Well maybe not.

We have been praying all along we could avoid taking you to a dentist until you were older and maybe could understand things better and handle things better. Like 9-10 years old. Your teeth have looked very good up till now and you have had no problems. I have noticed lately however they look funny. A bit see-through. Then today I noticed the double tooth. I have researched it and have found out it is nothing to worry about now. Not anything emergent. BUT.......if the baby teeth don't come out soon...then it could be a problem.

Please Dear Lord let Noah lose his teeth normally so his permanent teeth can come in okay and be okay and healthy and strong and let him handle it all well. IF he has to have some type of procedure done please allow us to find and EASY way to sedate him and prepare the way to have it all done. Something easy on him and his mouth. It is bad enough pulling teeth in little kids who have no issues. But autism and sensory integration and anxiety issues? OH my.

Thank you Lord in advance for hearing and answering my prayer!

Noah still recording himself calling out to his daddy to come play with him but MUCH softer as his daddy got tired of hearing it! hahaha

Noah recording himself....an oldie but goodie

Noah was recording himself calling out to his Daddy to come play with him. I have posted this before but came across it again and just think it is so funny.

Noah singing and videorecording

I wonder what you think about...what is going on in your little brain?? 

I came across this pumpkin patch pic and saw you again standing there with your hands over your ears as sounds of cars driving up the dirt road really bothered you! 

My happy little man! 

As Far As the Super Nanny Episode Goes....

I was so disappointed by the entire episode. So little was shown about the true world of autism. Those parents seemed clueless. AND Super Nanny made it seem like WOW...you could FIX autism with quick, easy changes in your lifestyle at home.

Now if it were that easy there would be no autistic issues in the world would there? Again while they made tremendous progress to help their son talk...I have to wonder if they had SPENT TIME with him prior to the show if he would have made progress anyway!? I mean did it seem to anyone else like the parents just did not spend any time with their kids to begin with let alone their son? They even set him off at the table by himself.

So many things bothered me about that show and still do. It was just not very accurate!

Dear Noah:

So the holidays are fast approaching! We get excited but then there are always issues to deal with. You do well for the most part now during holidays...but you still get easily overwhelmed and cannot handle large crowds, commotion and noise. You seem to do well around my extended family but they all live 1200 miles away so we don't always see them for the holidays. Daddy's extended family we see a few times a year IF.

So the holidays are coming up and Daddy is already talking about having everyone over. Said he would prefer NOT having everyone over at one time. Well that is good and bad. Good because we only live in a 936 sq. foot condo and there is not a lot of space and this causes even more commotion and chaos for your senses to deal with. BAD because it means we may have to have like 3 NIGHTS of not-so-holiday bliss with extended family members. We usually get through it all okay. In fact most times it turns out much better than anticipated. BUT it takes its toll on you. I think it does anyone but if you have autism it is much more difficult. While you enjoy having company you still cannot always handle social situations well. So we are constantly on guard.....making sure you don't do something you shouldn't. Making sure you have a good time. Making sure other kids don't do something to set you off. It's like walking on eggshells constantly. Personally I don't mind skipping it or meeting in a NEUTRAL safe zone. Somewhere OTHER than our home. BUT that will not be the case. We tried that once however at a local McDonalds and that turned out even worse than staying here to exchange presents as the chaos was incredible!

I don't think extended family members really understand what it is or can be like for you in your world. AND when holidays roll around they will just be thinking about that..."wonder what I got?". Maybe I make too much of a deal about it all. Does anyone else out there have issues at the holidays?

Of course even taking you Noah to a safe zone ...a neutral place to meet with other family members.....sometimes is a bit much. You are doing much better and like I said you handle my side of the family well. I think you have a harder time with Daddy's side as they are very loud! And a bit rough...at least the little kids. So it can set you off easier. They all sit around looking dumfounded and truly believe (I THINK) that we are creating a social misfit in you by not allowing you to do some things we KNOW would set you off. They don't understand how we try so hard to create the perfect environment for you so you can spend your time and energy learning and growing and developing! They really don't have a clue. And again I am talking about Daddy's family as my family seems to know a bit more and seem to try to understand things better.

So while we love this time of year the most....it almost can fill me with a sense of dread....as we will have to make arrangements to get together with everyone and exchange presents. Like I said...it can be a fun time but overwhelming time. AND it seems we never see any of Daddy's other kids till another holiday or birthday rolls around. I know it sounds like I have a bad attitude. I know we should all get together regardless. While I know these things it still does not make it any easier to WANT to get together with them. There is always unease. Daddy never knows even how to talk to his kids. They don't know what to say to him. It is exchange presents, and leave. Which I guess is fine as that means they are not here that long. BUT like I said it usually goes much better than planned anyway...and you have a good time. (still trying to convince myself I guess). I don't want to be the WICKED stepmother!! AND it sounds like I am. BUT it is because of YOU I worry and try to avoid certain things. I am not blaming you....don't get me wrong. BUT I have to think about what is best for you. AND sometimes I think doing Christmas when it is convenient only for everyone else is not the best idea for you!

This year I have told Daddy the ONLY way we will do it is make a Christmas Open House. We will pick the date and set a time limit. ANYONE who wants to come by can. IF they cannot come by they will have to arrange to come by on their own accord. I am tired of making arrangements to get together only when it is convenient for them. Tired of having 3 get togethers cause someone else has to work! Well I have to work all the time too but I make time.

See..bad attitude rearing its ugly head again.

Tis the Season to be Jolly!

I LOVE YOU NOAH!

Mommy

Dear Noah:

So last night it came around to bedtime. You told me you were "just going to take a little catnap" in your OWN bed. WOW I thought. SO you did not even get under the covers but we got you in bed. I covered you up with the afghan. And off to dreamland you went. You said "I will tippy toe into the master bedroom later" and so off you went to sleep. I went to bed. Daddy came to bed and you still did not show. Finally about the time I would be getting up to work here you came. You crawled into bed between us. Promptly went back to sleep. I wonder if you will do this again tonight?

THEN I realized that I sure will hate to see the time come when you no longer will be sleeping in our bed...though I KNOW that HAS to happen for your own good. I wondered if I was being a NEEDY MOMMY and making you feel like you HAD to be in my bed for MY SAKE?

SO I tried to let it go. Tried to let my mind relax and not worry about you in the other room and wonder what you were doing...if you were asleep or not...if you were getting up or not...where you might go...etc.

The night actually went more smooth than I anticipated. So we will see what is in store for us tonight my little man!

LOVE YOU MUCH!

Mommy

Dear Noah:

You are still obssessed with recording in any form. Videos....cassettes..and now a new discovery..>MICROcassettes!

I have seen many of the digital video clips you record. Very interesting to see how you as an autistic child see our world. I see clips of like OUR CEILING fan spinning around from a view directly below it on our bed.

I see an entire room spinning around as you hold the digital camera up and twirl around with the camera held high as the room spins around you! I see you pushing the camera in one of your shopping carts or toy trucks across the floor so I get a view of the house or room from that angle. I see the INSIDE of our fridge...as you put the camera in there! I see the PC SPEAKER as you record the SOUND coming OUT of the speaker instead of the pictures on the monitor itself. I see sideways views of the cupboards in your room. Views from INSIDE your tent in the dark. Views of you from below where you hold the camera in your hands pointing it UP toward your face and chin.

SOUNDS are big for you. SO many sounds still so intense. We did go see Were Rabbit at the theater and you were able to handle that sound this time pretty well. I came prepared this time with protective headphones and cottonballs if needed but after a short time you were able to be free from any ear protection.

ALL just gentle reminders you see the world differently than we do. You know where EVERY gas station or hotel is from here to Ohio. You know what all the gas prices are at all the gas stations in our area and then some. You know what types and colors of shopping carts each store has and better yet WHAT KINDS OF TOILETS anyplace has! Seems to be a top priority for you and in fact the first thing you usually tell us on the way into a restaurant or store is....(as we are walking along)..."mommy...they have flushable toilets in here and one automatic toilet!" and then your eyes get all wide and big and you smile!

Most people don't pay any attention to most of these things. Most can tune these things out. I guess that is why you see them more than we do...as you can't tune them out.

I imagine your mind is a very busy place most days!

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE MAN!!

Mommy

Dear Noah:

Today has been a bit difficult for you again. We looked at old pictures of you when you were a baby. You loved that. You already talk about how you want to look at more pics again tomorrow. I said great!

AND we went to church though you were stunned this morning when I said we were going again...and you said to me LOUDLY I might add "WHAT??? You mean now I have to go to church EVERY SUNDAY???" to which I promptly added "YES!" and you said "there may be some Sundays I want to stay home with my mommy!"

You are very tuned in with yourself and must have known this was one of those Sundays as we went to church anyway but you had an extremely difficult time sitting in the seat and listening. We made it through the day but you also wanted to cry about just anything and everything that happened. I told you on the way back home that when you had a trying day like that....that sometimes it was good to just go back home and take a break for awhile.

Tonight you went to the balcony and you apparently wanted to see what the neighbors downstairs were doing for their son's birthday party. Next thing I see you are trying to CLIMB OVER OUR RAILING! You know that is OFF LIMITS but there you tried anyway. I told you to get down and come in for a time out. YOU SAID NO...yes you my little man are getting a bit mouthy back to me at times already ...but IN you came. I said you were in for a time out now and not going back to the balcony.

I explained the DANGER of it which I don't think you totally get. SO I said you could CUT your head open or break a bone or your neck and have to go to the hospital and have NEEDLES stuck in your body for IV medication or to be sewn up...etc. I THINK you kind of got that as you remember your bad experience with a blood draw in the lab. I mean I do NOT want to scare you or make you more leery of medical things than you probably already are but I also don't want you to think if you fell from our balcony it would something you would just get back up easily from and dust yourself off and be fine again!

SO........we never let you go out there alone. We are always right inside the door watching or right out there with you. You have done pretty well out there and to be honest I was a bit stunned that you even tried this again. Working at a children's hospital I KNOW HOW quickly a kid can tumble down from a place like that and be mamed forever or even killed.

Anyway..............all is well on the homefront now. Time to get you some supper.

I LOVE YOU!

Mommy

Super Nanny??????

SO I watched it. Was not overly impressed though I could relate to many things that occurred within the show. I could relate with the father crying over the simple feat his son accomplished when he would speak a simple word or help set the kitchen table. All normal-every-day-taken-for-granted things that become HUGE when they happen in our world. SO I sat there and cried. I also felt bad for the family's son as it seemed they had LITTLE IF ANY information about autism yet regarding their son and I did NOT like seeing how they set him off to the side of the table by himself and away from the rest of the family. The mom seemed to have a lot of difficulty interacting with any of her kids to be honest and was always shooing them away. Now I understand how you can get overwhelmed and tired and need a break but come on. You have to give your kids something to do first so I was glad SUPER NANNY did that!

Did not seem like they showed much about autism in this story at all really but it is only an hour show. DEFINITELY MOM should NEVER have let a 4 year old daughter be responsible for watching the son let alone her twin sister OUT IN THE FRONT YARD BY THEMSELVES! Not sure where they live but we would never dream of doing that here! I don't even let Noah go out in our enclosed balcony alone.

So anyway.......I was a bit disappointed. Seems not enough autism stuff was shown but again it was only an hour show. AND I think it may offer false fast hope to some parents out there with more severely affected autistic kids. Not all autistic kids respond to the same therapies in the same way if at all....and it seemed here they came in ....said do this and do that ...and then okay...time to leave and he is "fixed". Not quite that simple and maybe I took this wrong...but it was really only a starting point to that family's journey. I was THRILLED to see the son spoke words though and so quickly! Maybe he was just being a bit neglected too much and not interacted with enough? DID not seem like Mom had time for any of her kids and was always shooing them off to another room.

I know sometimes I am thankful when Noah finds something to keep himself busy in his room for hours on end..as it gives me a break. BUT I also know it is NOT good to let him do that day after day after day and he needs to have interaction and be DIRECTED about things to do.

So anyway...while it was a good show I did not think it showed much about autism. AND quick-fixes are not usually EVER going to occur with anyone with autism. I think this is one of the biggest trial and error jobs we have ever had!!

Super Nanny

Super Nanny will be on tonight working with a family with an autistic child. Should prove interesting!

Dear Noah:

So yesterday in the afternoon you told me you "Mommy when I grow up I want to be a gas man" (meaning working to pump gasoline or sell gasoline). You are obssessed with the changing prices of gasoline! I said that would be fine if you wanted to do that. You said "well maybe for a couple of days".

You always continue to say you want to be a house builder.

Then last night you came out and said "mommy....when I grow up I want to be a Wal*Mart greeter and push the shopping carts AND be a gas man!"

I said that would be fine if you wanted to do those things BUT...if you did the Wal*Mart thing you would have to be able to GIVE a shopping cart to someone else to push around to go shopping. I asked you if you thought you could do that. You said yes. For a few days.

Apparently you came up with a job you could do that involved one of your favorite things right now...PUSHING SHOPPING CARTS! Right now you love this so much you WANT a mini (but real) shopping cart of your very own for Christmas!

This is the kind you really like right now....cause it is JUST YOUR SIZE!!

November 1, 2005

So we stopped at Target on the way home from speech therapy. You now like to get a cart of your own just to push around empty. Heaven forbid anyone try to put anything into your cart as you have a fit!

Well we were headed to the checkout. You went first with the "empty cart". You were standing there waiting and not pushing it back to the shopping cart area like you normally do. SO...when the girl bagged up the stuff she figured it went into YOUR cart. Needless to say this sparked a HUGE scream and crying fit from you....almost anyway. You dropped to your knees and was yelling at her "no....no ...no...not in my cart!" The poor girl felt so bad.

I called you over and explained to you that not everyone KNOWS you don't want things in your cart. Sometimes accidents like that happen and WHEN they do..."it is OKAY!". I also told you to quit the crying as no one wanted to hear that.

You took some very deep breaths, wiped your eyes and said "okay" and were fine. You pushed your cart over to the others. All was well in your world once again.

Just that quick. Just that fast something can upset you...but you are getting so MUCH faster now with recovering from those things as well! So that is SUPER!

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE MAN!!

Mommy

SOME of Noah's stash. He also got a water bottle and 2 cans of soda and some Chick-Fil-A coupons! 

leftover candy! We only had like 3 kids! 

another view 

close up of our wonderfully ORANGE and yellow lit pumpkins! So colorful! 

our carved pumpkins this year...one for each of us...never realized....maybe they resemble us? Keith drew his face on the middle one...Noah on the little one and me on the larger one....I tried putting BOO at the bottom of mine which I think is hard to read 

arial view of the giant slide they had at the church..it went all the way up to the ceiling and back down to the floor...in the gym! 

going door-to-door in the dark and HIGH WINDS night! 

having fun on a giant bouncy obstacle course 

making his way down the hallway doors and getting candy along the way 

putt putting for candy 

waiting patiently till someone gets on their number 

Noah participating in a POP WALK...so he could win cans of soda. He really enjoyed this...it involved movement and numbers..two of his favorite things! 

Noah and his Jeff Gordon costume for Halloween 2005