Dear Noah....The Great Darke County Fair....

well we decided to go to the county fair yesterday afternoon and early evening. We had a great time...did a lot of walking though and it was a little hotter than you thought it would be...you got super hot and tired pretty fast. We scoped out where everything was to be prepared next time we go back. We saw SOME of the animals and exhibits....still need to see the chicken house.....and rabbits....and rest of the pigs. You saw a cute and very friendly cat in the horse barn. He was a sweetie...and must belong to someone there because he had a collar on. We will be going back and forth a few times during fair week. School officially starts for you on Wednesday too...so it will be weird this week I think for both of us.

I love you.....hope my knee and back holds out for walking some more!

Mommy

XOXOXO

Dear Noah.....new Tupperware snack containers.....

We ran some errands on Monday...and I had taken a small old-style Tupperware snack container with us with a few M&Ms in it for you to snack on until we picked up something for you to eat for lunch. AFTER we ordered the food at the drive-thru at Chik-Fil-A I had tucked that empty container into one of the snacks that held the food. I never usually do that and told myself while doing it I would have to remember to REMOVE the item before we tossed the sacks into the trash.

You had been playing with the empty container sticking it onto your elbow and making a sucking sound...and later on that day (long after we were on our way home and the trash was in the trash can back at a Walmart many miles away)...you suddenly asked where that container was. It was THEN I realized I had probably accidentally tossed it. You cried and got so sad about this. I have to admit I am the same way when accidentally tossing anything...and if it had not been that far away yes I would have turned around and retrieved an item that belonged to us...as I am just weird like that and want our things belonging to us to be with us and not in the trash. Gee I have probably spread my weirdness onto you in some small ways.

Anyway...I reminded you we have FOUR of those snack containers but the remaining THREE for some reason did not seem to be enough for you...you were suddenly worried you may never have them again and wanted to find out if we could get more. When you find something you like...you tend to want to stock up or get MANY of that same item so you will always have it. Holy cow you do get that from me!

SO once home I did manage to get online at Tupperware's website and found they DO still sell those snack containers and I ordered another set of 4....this time with all yellow lids...but no matter you said....you felt reassured you would again have ENOUGH no matter what. End of story except those little containers were almost 20.00 by the time I added on shipping and tax! It would probably have been cheaper to turn the car around and go back and fetch the one from the trash!

So...all is well in your world again...and I am thankful....

I love you....school will be starting full time for you soon. We have already been working on finishing up American History.

OH...today I went into your room looking for something and you really are to the point where you do not want me messing with anything on your desk...which looks messy to me and filled but you have apparently in some semblance of order in your head and you don't want it messed with. I reminded you once we clean your room and reorganize it...it will be likely your desk top will be cleaned off....(I am sure only to be covered again one day by the masses of little happy meal toys and cars and such you seem to collect all the time and stack up all around you). BUT this greatly upset you...me just even touching those items really bothered you. YOU did not want anything disturbed or moved...you followed me around putting everything back just like it had been. Yeah.....rearranging your room will be interesting.

The neighbors have been moving stuff into a truck and coming and going all day. You came out crying worried they were moving and you might not ever get to see Emma and Brianna ever again....I have no idea yet what exactly is going on....hopefully they will be staying though and all will be well.

All my love forever,

Mommy
XOXOXOX

Dear Noah........summer is almost over......school is about to start

We have 1 more unit to finish in American History before school officially starts for you this year and we will be able to do that easily. I am hopeful and prayerful that this year will go smoothly and be easy for you and as stressfree as possible.

A couple of weeks ago after coming back from the store and running errands once we got home instead of helping me bring in sacks of groceries or at least opening the door for me in between my trips carrying stuff in (which I am trying to teach you to do) you ran off as usual to your room leaving me in your dust. I got angry and raised my voice to you (which I know does not work well with you but I lost it a bit anyway) and you of course reacted very poorly to that. You came out crying and practically screaming yourself. In fact...you did SCREAM a loud ear piercing scream as you came at me trying to hit me. When I held back your hands you then tried to kick me in the stomach. WOW...you have not had any episodes like this in years but it was amazing how quickly I remembered trying times like this for you in the past.

I finally got you calmed down...I calmed down....you were so upset...so was I. You ran and grabbed a note pad and pencil and wrote me a long apology. This is what the note said:

HUGE APOLOGY. I am sorry about what I done. I never meant for that to happen. It just slipped out of me. Forgive me pretty pretty please. I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!

Well we had a long talk. I explained what I was trying to teach you and the fact that you are approaching 12 years of age and are more than old enough to start helping me with some things around here such as bringing in groceries or opening the door and closing it behind me so I can carry in armfuls of stuff. You were crying still...and I think were afraid I was mad or did not love you anymore or something. I explained how you cannot act the way you did....not to that extent..and especially not try to hit someone when angry. AND all the whys....and reminded you how you normally work through things...and calm down first and use words now to express your issues. I also apologized for raising my voice to you but also said I should not have to yell to get you to listen to me and to help...etc. We both apologized....worked through the entire episode.

You then told me you had written down some of your "thoughts" on the back of the apology note. When I turned it over it said:

P.S. Also, I am sorry for acting like Shadow the Hedgehog. He loses his temper as much as I did.

and under that was this disturbing statement:

Thoughts I'm gonna commit suicide.

WHAT???????? Where did that come from? I asked you why you felt that way? You said you were so ashamed of how you acted and were afraid I guess I would no longer love you because of your behavior so that made you not want to live. I told you I would love you no matter what. I may not like things you do sometimes in your life but I still love you...you are my son....so many people would miss you if you did anything to hurt yourself...how much we all love you...etc. I also said I love you like God loves us...we mess up all the time but ask for forgiveness and forgive and forget and go on....so we can move forward. That this is how we sometimes learn important lessons in life..etc. I felt HORRIBLE that you felt so badly about things and how you had acted and really wanted you to know it was okay you messed up. I reminded you I messed up as well by losing my temper too. What a mess. I also pointed out how your life is a GIFT from GOD and you should never try to end it...especially if you want to get to heaven one day.

We had such a long talk....you cried a lot...got a horrible headache...and I felt like a really crappy mom for a long time.

BUT we worked through it all. You said there were TWO times in your life that were horrible that you would remember forever...one was this night..and the other a night where you apparently told me you would kill me if I did not quit acting the way I was about correcting (YELLING) at OPIE our cat. AGAIN because it upset you so much and so fast and you did not know how to contain all your anxiousness and express your feelings fast enough. I told you I really did not even remember that statement anymore...and I really don't. KIND of do but not really....hopefully also like GOD will do for us....I am not keeping any running tally of our mistakes Noah....yours or mine. We have to both try to forgive ourselves as well as each other when we mess up.

We are less than perfect...but we can continue to try to be the best we can be for each other. We are a team. We are in this together for the long haul...we have to work together to make this a success.

sigh........tensions....anxiety......hopefully relieved. I have allowed you some extra sleepovers in my room for reassurance. You are spending so much time in your room these last days of summer. Trying to get you OUT of the room is almost impossible unless we go somewhere.

BUT I LOVE YOU...so very much. Always have...always will....

mom
XOXOXO

Dear Noah......young love...

when I was talking to the neighbor the other day (where those 2 little girls used to live that you liked to play with so well...Emma and Brianna)...I found out the woman who lives there is THEIR GRANDMOTHER! When I came in later and told you this...you were so happy you nearly cried. You loved Brianna and Emma so much and missed them when they were moving away a couple of years ago...and you had no idea where they moved to so lost touch. You were SHOCKED you said and so happy....you could not wait until they came back over to visit their grandma so you could once again see Brianna! You said you would probably CRY when you saw her you were going to be so happy to see her again and you had missed her so much...and now you are thinking you might tell her you LOVE HER...that she was your ONE TRUE LOVE.....

I hope and pray all that goes well...for you...your tender heart does not ever deserve to be hurt or broken. Here the 2 little girls over playing with the neighbor boy that one night WAS EMMA and BRIANNA! We just did not know it and you and I were inside and had gone to the drive in that night I think. So you missed them! You had even said earlier to me you thought you heard their voices...but you often hear little girl voices and think it is them. Here this time IT WAS them!

So you are anxiously awaiting a day when they come back to visit...or are hoping they come back to visit...so you can pop over by the fence and talk and visit and maybe even play with them!

You are sweet. The other morning when you woke up....I always ask you if you had any dreams. YOu said you did but were afraid to tell me. You said you had a dream ABOUT BRIANNA! AND you were MAKING OUT WITH HER! (JUST KISSING)...but...you giggled like a schoolgirl! hahaha....

oh my....life and all it holds is truly opening up for you and only just beginning.

I love you so much Noah! School will be starting in like 3 weeks!

Mommy
XOXOXOXO