To explain autism a bit better from an autistic's point of view

Happy 8th Birthday Noah!!

just something I slapped together after work this morning....I did not have time to go through and grab really old pictures of Noah so I just tried to use what was handy on my hard drive...

Happy Birthday Noah....I love you........I could not find a picture of you and your daddy.....I will have to do that next time round I guess!

mommy :X

Noah and I reading/singing from The First Day of Winter

Noah and I checked this book out from the library (The First Day of Winter by Denise Fleming)......but I may have to buy a copy. It is along the lines of the Twelve Days of Christmas but instead is about a snowman and what his friend brings/gives to him for the 10 days of Christmas. Rather than type in each lyric for each day I will go directly to the end of the song and you can look to see what each day is from there. The clip is of Noah and myself singing/reading the story/song....he was so excited during this clip he could not hold the camera still......

http://media.putfile.com/Noah-singing-First-Day-of-Winter-from-a-book


On the 10th day of winter my best friend gave to me:

10 salty peanuts
9 big black buttons
8 orange berries
7 maple leaves
6 tiny twigs
5 birdseed pockets (NOAH LOVED THIS PART)
4 prickly pinecones
3 striped scarves
2 bright blue mittens (I kept wanting to say muffins)
and a red cap with a gold snap (also a favorite line for Noah)

dream home and so much more

a few days ago I made this post on another blog of mine.......I was rambling and being silly about dream requests to Santa:

Dear Santa:

They say you do not get anything unless you ask for it......so I am going to ask:

1) I would like my rent to be paid for 1 year up front.
2) I would like my credit cards to be paid off in full.
3) I would like my car to be paid off.
4) I would like to have help in setting up an actual classroom for Noah with a work space to work on arts and crafts projects......music......etc. If this requires moving again.....obviously we would need help with that.
5) What would be ideal Santa......since I am sounding like a greedy needy thankless soul.........would be to have our own HOME somewhere.......completely paid for...........that is large enough to supply us with the rooms and space needed to live. For Noah to have an actual therapy room......classroom.........etc. DO you think it could be made to be mostly solar powered so as to save on any gas and electric bills? Do you think you could toss in an annual income for me doing something so I don't have to worry about trying to work and take care of my autistic son full time?

So.....after re-reading my post I had made days ago......about things I would like to have happen.......I get an email about this year's HGTV's DREAM HOME sweepstakes. I thought to myself......wow....wouldn't it be great if it were in Colorado....and it was a log home...MY DREAM HOME.........and I COULD WIN IT???

SO I clicked the link.........and guess what? IT IS in Colorado.......and IT IS a log home......and the house comes fully furnished....you also win a new GMC Acadia.......and 250,000.00 cash.......so much...

now I just have to win it! (of course now I think Noah would prefer living or staying in Ohio.....and I would miss my family--but I think my heart is in Colorado for some reason I cannot explain and NO it has nothing to do with my ex)...but .......Here is a link to check it out:

http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/dream_home_tour_2007/text/0,,HGTV_28177_55076,00.html

AND........this house has WOLF APPLIANCES!

this would definitely fit all my earlier requests and then some......amazing.......this house is beautiful and would very much be a dream

couple of Noah

me and noah at christmas 2006

Dear Noah:

I opened all your amazing homemade presents to me last night. I now have a nice stack of wonderfully drawn pictures of RR crossing signals. I told you I was going to start an album so I could preserve all these and be able to look at them all over and over again.

SO far you are doing much better this year with the camera....hopefully you realize that it is up to YOU to take good care of it so it will continue working.

I was looking at videoclips from my archives as recent as just ONE year ago......and WOW you have come a long way. I listened to audioclips and re-read some of my posts here......and it is amazing how much progress has been made over the year. I was not sure some of the clips would be there but they were and I hope and pray they remain....it is a wonderful record of you and your journey.

I deliberately went back to May of 2005 and June 2005 because that was right after you were OFFICIALLY formally diagnosed with autism and other things.....and I remember you were still undergoing some other tests like an EKG...etc. That was a nightmare! I also remember it was a very stressful time because that was when your daddy and I were having a lot of problems and he seemed to be setting you off constantly. There were many clips of the stress in our home from that time and it quickly reminded me of why I packed up and we left and came here. SO I know I did the right thing.....for the time.....etc...just sometimes wish it could be easier than it is now......though I know it will get better and easier as time goes on. It has to!

I love you.......very very much Noah!

mommy :X

Noah and his new RR crossing signal

Dear Noah:

Christmas Eve morning you came into my bedroom to wake me up you said "just long enough to wish you a Merry Christmas" which you did and then hugged and kissed me and left my room. SO sweet you are.

On Christmas morning you came running into my bedroom yelling "Mommy, mommy, you have to come see this.....Santa has been here....Santa has been here!"

You were soooooo excited! I have yet to take pictures of you with anything. You got a new digital camera you wanted to record movies too......a new PC game called Train Simulator and a RR crossing signal which you wanted but did not expect Santa to get for you! ONCE that camera hit your hot little hands that is where it stayed ALL DAY LONG! You were so happy and tonight you came in and said to me "I love Santa!" and you told me how happy you were and how much you loved all the things you got for Christmas. Of course right now everything is taking a back seat to the Santa Stash....but that is okay........and you can open all your other presents whenever you feel ready for it. I told you that you could make it last as long as you wanted!

Today we went to grandma and grandpa Lincoln's for Christmas dinner and opening presents. You enjoyed yourself all the while filming everything and taking pictures. You only got a bit overexcited 2-3 times. The rest of the time you did pretty well. Here are a couple of pics of you with your cousin Audrey and grandpa Lincoln.

Dear Noah:

Tonight we watched Polar Express again. We both absolutely LOVE that movie. You always want to dance when the song "Christmas Comes to Town" is sung.......you are too sweet!

You keep telling me you want to MAKE me SOMETHING SPECIAL for Christmas....now you say you will wait and do it on Christmas Eve day...and wrap it and place it in my stocking so I will have something to open with you either that night or the next morning.

Christmas this year seems a bit off...not sure why. Maybe the events of the year are catching up to me.....I am thankful to have you in my life however to keep me seeing it all through a child's eyes and heart.

I love you Noah.....

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

I love you. Sometimes being the ONLY parent here taking care of you is a bit scary......though I try to NOT feed into any sense of fear or apprehension ever! BUT it can be difficult. Even though we get child support and you some SSI money now.......I still am pretty much stuck working part-time or just a hair over it. IF I do go over that..... you would lose any SSI benefits.......since it is income-based.....and I don't know if I could work enough to recoup the monthly check you get which is not much trust me!

I AM SO THANKFUL to have a job and be able to stay at home and work solely from home...but there are no HOURLY wages involved here....no salary in addition to my line counts I get paid when I type. It is strictly all piecework basically.....which means I would have to type my fingers off to make any headway! THIS is all fine and dandy but then it cuts into time taking care of you....or homeschooling you......just being there in the day for you. I am the only one here to watch you......do those things....etc. It would make no difference if you went to school somewhere else which is not an option anyway.

I just checked my bank account today. I have been able to stay ahead for a long time and I am not going to give into fears about money......I totally understand you have to have GOOD feelings and thoughts associated with money at all times. BUT.......I so do NOT want to go back living paycheck to paycheck and if I am not careful we will be there in a month. We are just about there now! THAT is very scary.........because of all the what ifs! I have many bills to pay and currently more money is going out than coming in. I could try increasing my work load.....but like I said above...if I make too much money you lose SSI. I can make a little more and you would still get some......but it might be decreased. This is sort of a catch 22. If I go all out and basically work all the time.......where does that leave you? Where do I find time to homeschool you and work with you and things like that?

I have to try to figure out a way to do it all. I have already changed my schedule to work midnight to 4:00 a.m. for my guaranteed MINIMUM 4 hours......I am required to do that at least everyday. I then try to start work again later around 10:00 p.m. to midnight to add on to the day's total...so that would be 6 hours......I SHOULD be able to do that. I wonder if there is any way I can magically learn to type even faster to do more lines in the same amount of time? My goal is to work full time line counts in part-time hours....I figured I could do this in 6 hours. Well...there is no way...not with all the variables involved....different docs dictating....messing up reports.......having to look up information.......whenever things do not flow freely it affects my output. SO I can almost always do the minimum line counts per hour they require......but that would not have me at full time line counts in 6 hour days.

Sometimes like this I wish I had someone to come in and save my butt. Sharing bills with someone else was a lot easier than trying to foot all these by myself on part-time income. It is a blessing we have made it this far if you think about it!

I can only hope and pray....that I somehow get a ton back on income tax. THAT would certainly help. If there was a magic fairy out there to pay our rent for a year......or even 6 months.....that would help. ANYthing like that would help......oh where is Oprah during this time to magically pay off all your bills and buy you a home and move you, etc.? I cannot even imagine ever receiving anything close to that as I have always had to work and work very hard to get what I have or we have. This makes me feel good....but lately just more tired than anything.

I don't always feel like the best mother to you because I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep per night working the way I do. I feel like I slack off in so many areas that I do not want to...because I HAVE to work..........to pay the bills.......etc. It is all falling on my shoulders....which is fine.........it is all just overwhelming.

ANYway......I did not mean to rain on your parade. I love you a ton! I got a little box in the mail from work......a Christmas thank you of some sort. I was telling someone I was going to save it to open on Christmas day with you....and you told me "Mommy I am going to make you a present for Christmas so you will have something to open!" ...."It will be beautiful!"

that seems to be your favorite word lately.......beautiful! and that is how I would describe you always..........beautiful..........because you are.

I love you..let's keep grandma Lincoln in our prayers today as she undergoes breast cancer surgery again..........let's hope and pray it has not spread.

oh to be younger again and have someone else take care of me.......and not have a care in the world.......that is what I want to give to you always............

i love you.......the MOST!

mommy :X

clip of bubble lights and noah making sounds in background

what you hear in the background is Noah making sounds

our christmas tree

we finally completed out tree....and I think this will be the FIRST camera I have ever had that may just take a decent picture of the tree! Seemed it took a long time to decorate as we only worked on it whenever I had time....so it was off and on for over a week......I did put a lot of BUBBLE lights on the tree this year......I love those things.....reminds me of when I was a kid......I have not played around with it too much yet to get the best pictures or anything....here is what I have so far....

Dear Noah:

I have been extremely tired lately. With all the stress we normally just have in our lives...me trying to work again at night while you sleep......me getting little sleep then because of this.....the holidays and all the business associated with that.........Grandma L. dealing with breast cancer again.........on and on......

I woke up today feeling very tired for some reason......well duh.....I guess I just explained it all above.

Anyway........I was short-tempered. Yeah....grumpy. I have had a really bad attitude in general lately about a lot of things. SO.........it did not take but the simplest thing to set me off today........which happened to be struggling to make your bed...........the fact that you again were not yet dressed....or brushed your teeth.....still have those loose teeth in your mouth......and it snowballed from there. I yelled which I try to never do around you...because you do not respond well to it (does anyone?).......I do not want to be treated the way my dad used to treat or act around us kids when I grew up.....I never want you to feel afraid around me or apprehensive or sad.......etc. BUT I raised my voice.......you cried......I felt like a total jerk. I did not really yell at you....I was just yelling.

We finally got it all out of our system......I apologized immediately and you said you were sorry....I told you it was nothing you did...it was me. I was tired...not happy with myself......not happy that I continue to find a difficult time finding adequate time to do all the things we need to do and more free time to spend with you on school and play time...etc. Seems no matter what I do there is never enough time and I am exhausted more than not.

I asked you to forgive me and you to forgive you......

later.......at the kitchen table......I went to take a sip of coffee from my coffee cup and you Kool-Aid and you wanted to toast. I said "to a good life...a happy full life.......free of anger and sadness and grumpiness.......filled with love......" and you said "and FORGIVENESS"......"because forgiveness is very important!"

you are incredible....such a deep thoughtful thinker.

We shared looking at the paper and you saw a birth announcement for a little girl and you said "oh....isn't she just beautiful?"......too cute.

then you heard a song on the television....and said "ssssssshhh....listen.....isn't that a beautiful song?" "isn't that just beautiful?"

and tonight......you had taken some pictures of RR crossings.....and said to me......"isn't that just beautiful?"

you know what Noah......YOU are beautiful...........heck with everything else......at least I am doing something right with you.

i love you more than you can possibly imagine or know.........

mommy :X

Noah and RR crossing signals and trains

Noah is into railroad crossing signals and bells and gates and warnings, etc. REALLY big right now again. I mean he can sit for hours....checking out websites with nothing but RR crossing signals....how they work.....how they are made...study the history of them....knows ALL about them....he even enjoys all the sounds of the warnings going off at the gates....and plays them so loudly it sounds like I have a train coming through the bedroom!

Today I decided to take him around town to see some of the railroad crossings around here and take his picture with some. He said to me "wow...this is the first time I have ever stood on a railroad tie mommy.....and the first time I have ever stood on a ballister......." he was SOOOO excited and happy standing right beside the crossing signals......he had no idea they were so large! He was in heaven....albeit briefly....

Here are a few pics.....the one with the freaky white things I thought was interesting.....here it was MY HAIR blowing in front of the camera when it went off!









ghosts????



no...my hair was blowing in front of the lens when it went off.....at least I THINK that is what this is!

Dear Noah:

SO grandma C. fell and hurt herself so we decided to go and take her trash out for her today. We got there late afternoon.......had already had supper......you could tell she did not feel great. My mom or your grandma L. had told me she and your aunt Becky were going to come up to see grandma C. later as well......bringing a cheese pizza and chips for their supper.

You wanted SOLE time alone with grandma to visit.....while I got the trash ready...etc...you were in heaven as you had her all to yourself.......talking away about your new railroad crossing signals and signs and bells we had made the night before out of foam sheeting.....which you had taken to her house to show her......you were really enjoying it all. THEN I came in from outside as I was done with the trash....you informed me to sit down but NOT to talk to grandma (as you were not finished with her yet). SO I did...but grandma C. got a phone call. This was with a lady who did not easily hang up.....so grandma C. got swept up into a phone call for over 35 minutes and this took your quiet/alone time away from you .........which I knew was going to be bad......because I knew your other grandma and aunt were coming soon and then they would be there to visit and talk and that would only upset you further if you did not get it out of your system prior to that time.

I should take you up and let you spend some time at granda C.'s house....just alone with her....you can talk all you want.

SO anyway.......grandma C. was taking forever to get off the phone. You finally said "just give up on trying to talk to grandma mommy."......and we talked. Finally she got off the phone......but at the same time here came your other grandma and aunt.......and you started crying....realizing you still were not going to get a chance to talk to grandma C. You started crying and saying you did not want to see anyone...NO ONE ELSE....everyone had to stay out of the room so you could be with grandma alone......auntie came down one hall to the room and grandma L. the other way.......you were trying to run to get OUT of the room.......you did not want them seeing you or you seeing them....but with one on either hall you were trapped......and you panicked and let out the loudest scream/shriek.......I am sure the neighbors heard you. ON AND ON......crying with the scream/shriek.......grandma C. asked what was wrong with you.....Auntie Becky said "oh he is just not getting his way."

Now this sort of upset me......but I let it slide. After all it is not really because you are not getting your own way like some spoiled brat.........you are autistic and have problems understanding SOCIAL situations let alone the concept of "you have to share visit times with other visitors if you are not the only one there!" You do not realize your behavior was not acceptable at someone else's house or even our house. You still have trouble communicating your being upset QUICKLY to someone else......so you still sometimes SCREAM AND CRY VERY LOUDLY!!!!! You also physically cannot have some people LOOK at you......as it seems to be painful to you sometimes. This upsets you tremendously. You also cannot look people very much in the eyes I have noticed......this has been increasing lately......I don't understand why when you tell family or friends things that upset you...or could set you off......even teachers...they sometimes just seem to ignore that and think you should be able to handle any teasing like other kids would.......etc......trust me...this does NOT work with you.....because you are not able to handle things like that as other kids might.

It is a PROCESS to get you to ever calm down to try to understand what is happening and why and that it is all OKAY.......you said to me "mommy...I wish I had my calm down book!" and I told you I was going to bring it but did not because I did not think you would need it. I guess I was wrong and I guess it will become a standard item again when we pack up to take things on mini trips. I told you that you did not actually have to have the book to WORK through the calming down process.......as you knew what the book said.....what to do......so we began the process.

Grandmas and auntie went to the kitchen to eat and visit. We stayed behind in the living room working through it.......stopping.......remembering to breathe.......remembering to count and take deep breaths and then BLOW OUT all the anger and frustration. On and on slowly.....we did this...finally calming you down.........where you could start thinking more rationally again......reasoning......I finally coaxed you out to visit with the rest at the kitchen table.......you had a snack and showed everyone your RR crossing signals we had made.......tape recording the conversation the entire time......playing it back.......re-recording......playing it back........learning to take turns TALKING during the visit. Learning it is OKAY for others to talk to grandma C. even if you also are there to visit. Things like that. You ended up doing much better.

I noticed auntie during all this just sort of rolling her eyes a few times......I think part in disbelief of your behavior......and also in part like "oh no.....here we go again" because the last time you were around all of them you cried and cried and whined and moaned about every little thing. I have seen this same facial reaction in your grandpa L. I know he cannot handle you.....and I think some others just can't. Grandma C. caught on really quick and knows to just do things naturally to make you happy for a moment......and you will then come around pretty quickly...I don't think your auntie still understands just BEING around even family members sometimes just bothers you.......in fact...today was the FIRST day in a long time......over a week......where I finally was able to get you even OUT of the house.....even dressed........as you had not been wanting to SEE ANYONE else....let alone have them see you. I had stretched our pantry to the limit for you for food......because with you being so picky and specific about certain foods to eat......we were running out of things for you....but you stretched it to the limit because you did not even want to have to get dressed to go to the store!

I think sometimes everyone around us still thinks you are just behaving like a spoiled brat.... doing some things on purpose...and if I swatted you or something you would straighten up. It is not about that.......you are sooooooo sensitive to little issues we all take for granted. TOO many coming into the room before you are prepared can be too much for you to handle. You have REAL physiological reactions to things......they are real........not things you make up. They are painful......OF course sometimes it seems too much to ask of family to try to keep making the little compensations or changes needed in order to keep you on an even keel..........I do it like it is second nature........most don't want to be bothered or inconvenienced and I think in part they probably think if you cannot behave and handle things then you should just go home. They just don't want to have to deal with it all.

Well this is our life....we live it every day....some days are better than others......some are great.......some are really bad for you.......I have learned to not rock the boat.........to keep it going on down the river smoothly......avoiding all the obstacles that could knock it around......put holes in it.......capsize it or make it sink. BUT............you also "have" to be around and put into situations......like tonight....so we can do exactly what we did.....which was to work through it and focus on how you SHOULD REACT when things happen in your environment that do not please you. ACCEPTABLE things.....

And as usual.......this meltdown moment took it all out of you. You were yawning and acting like a zombie before we left.

I then realized we had captured all this on tape.....and I was going to post the SOUNDS of you here tonight........but unfortunately I did not remember all this till after you had already retrieved the camera/tape and erased it.....because you did not want to hear yourself screaming and crying again you said.

SO.......because of that statement I KNOW you are realizing your behavior was not appropriate...which is HUGE.......because it is one of the first steps in learning how to correct that.

SO......it was a tiring night...I need to take you to see grandma C. alone.........for a nice visit. Maybe I can take a nap while you visit with her one day.

You got to bed very late again tonight which also does not help. YOU MUST have at least 10 hours of sleep to function and do your best in the daytime.

okay......now at midnight I have to get ready to work. We had to stop at the store to pick up groceries as it was one time I KNEW I could because you were already OUT! I am getting a late start......I am exhausted.....physically and mentally....emotionally......drained......but now I need to try to make some money so we can continue to pay our bills......

i love you........even despite all the frustration and problems.

mommy :XXXXXXX

Dear Noah:

you can be absolutely hilarious. Tonight before bedtime we read a Blues Clues book about feeling "frustrated."

Once done you turned to me and said "mommy......I am feeling frustated." When I asked why you said "I am feeling frustrated because I have this booger way up in my nose and I can't get it out!"

(it was so difficult not to bust out laughing).......then you said "oh,...I got it!" and promptly placed it in your mouth to eat it!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

i love you anyway..........

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

well you are so cute. You picked up a soft stuffed puppy at K-mart the other night when we were doing some shopping. SO cute.......cuddly.

He is in your bed now. I asked you what you named him. You said "well....I think I will name him a country....I think I will call him Russia!"

then you turned over to go to sleep and said "goodnight Russia."

got to love you more and more.

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

You are a bit funny sometimes......I was putting a white scar over my head to go run errands with you the other day because it was so cold outside and you looked up at me and yelled out "YOU LOOK LIKE THE MOTHER!" "ARE you going to have a baby?" Of course once again he was referring to the Virgin Mary.....he has thought I looked like her every time I wear a scarf on my head......"except she usually has on a blue scarf and white dress" he told me.

You have still been picking your nose till it bleeds.....you say you WANT to taste and eat the blood. I asked you if you were only after boogers.....you said yeah......no......"I want bloody boogers!!" I about gagged. I am making sure to give you a multivitamin with iron every day!

You have also taken on going shirtless.......you.....someone who would never dream of going without a good dry shirt on.....have discovered what it feels like to go shirtless.........feeling the warm, soft flannel sheets against your body.......you keep telling me you are too hot in the house with a shirt on. I am usually hot all the time. We only keep our house at 66 degrees now......and today since it was only like 14 degrees outside I was even still a bit chilly inside. Here you were strutting around shirtless......no socks or shoes either......just pajama bottoms on. You felt just comfortable.....no goosebumps or such. However...you do not always realize a SHIRT is required when it is cold outside.....even under your coat. You wanted to go outside today to hear the monthly emergency alarm test WITHOUT your shirt or shoes on. The neighbors are likely to turn my butt in if they ever saw that! So we will have to work on that one. So far the rule is you can go shirtless at home..........and inside someone else's house if you are extremely hot....otherwise you have to keep it on!~

I have extra work to do tonight which is cutting in on our Christmas decorating time and other time together. I do not like this but there is no way around it. I wish I had someone to play with you during this time as it bothers me I have so much to do and cannot always just be with you like I think I should. I did get your train set out today for you to play with.......and we did play that together.......

I made some stew today......was good. Course you had your separate meal. You still pretty much always require a specially cooked meal in order to eat. I am used to it.

I just took a loaf of blueberry bread out of the oven......mmmmmmmmmm.

back to work for me. I love you Noah....wish those teeth would come out....but I am going to have to make an appointment.........

love you ,

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

Today is turning very very cold! That big cold front and rain/snow is headed our way. This morning we got lots of HIGH winds....and some rain......sleet......no big snowfall yet. I did manage to get you to the store.......to pick up some supplies...so that is good.

However...I forgot how easily you can sometimes lose it emotionally when things in the environment are different. The high winds worried you.....you started crying and saying you were worried the neighbor's trashcans would be all over the main roads. THIS upset you greatly.

Then you got upset because you were worried it would be SLICK on the roads because of sleet. I had said to you earlier you had waited too long and we would not be able to go out because it was sleeting. You came to me crying and asked if you had once more chance.....I felt so bad. I did not realize you had taken to heart what I had said.......I told you of course we were still going to go to the store because we had to get some food for you...etc....and it was not that slick yet and it had stopped sleeting. We had to go regardless.

Then you cried and came to me again worried about "hurricane" winds......

Then we saw the hawk return in the backyard and you asked me "do hawks rule the world now?"

i love you........I have to remind myself how you actually interpret things sometimes.

mommy :X