Dear Noah......Halloween 2006

Well Noah had great weather for trick-or-treating. He had a good time but only made it about an hour...and that was fine. He got a good 3/4 bucket of candy. We stopped at Lowes so I could get more bubble lights. He had fun looking at the appliances...always does. That is a HIGHLIGHT to his trip there.

WHILE there this man who has come up to us before.....wandered over our way again......trying to blow up a balloon for Noah. There is something a bit creepy about this man....and Noah does not like him or want any balloon from him. The man just stands there with a goofy grin on his face.........and Noah cowers INSIDE the cart...starting to have a fit.....I just looked at the man and smiled and said "that is okay but he does not want one".....finally the man said "oh yeah....while I was blowing this up and looking at him I suddenly remembered I have seen you two in here before and he does not like balloons!"

I thought to myself it is not balloons he does not like...it is YOU! He won't leave us alone. Last time there this man followed us all around the store......it even bugged me. IF it happens again I am going to complain to management. I mean you should only have to tell him NO once......and he should leave you alone. He does not seem to get the message.

ANYWAY.......out in the car.......Noah said "I am going to have to kill that man".......so matter-of-factly. I asked "what?" and he repeated "one day I am going to have to kill that man". I was stunned. This is the first time I have ever seen his demeanor change and his entire face take on a different look and he has ever said anything remotely close to that! I guess in his mind it is a simple solution to an ongoing problem. I asked him why he would think he had to do that and he said "because he keeps following me around and won't leave me alone even after I have told him no". I have to admit he had a valid point....but I tried to point out how KILLING someone to get them to leave you alone would NOT be a socially acceptable solution to a problem like that. I explained other OPTIONS to him that would not land his butt in jail for eternity. It became very clear how DIFFERENTLY he sees things from some. How to him this solution he had thought of was simply that! A solution.......not realizing really what KILLING actually meant or entailed. When I asked him if he KNEW what killing meant he said he did not. I asked where he had heard it before......as I do not let him see shows or anything that mentions it let alone shows anyone getting hurt. I do know he had watched his cousins playing a game where they said something about killing people there...so maybe that is it. I don't like him seeing that but I know I cannot protect him from stuff forever either...especially in our society. This is the part of his autism that is extremely difficult to cope with....teaching him SOCIAL skills......things that are right....wrong.......proper positive ways to react to things.....etc. It will be ONGOING his entire life.

We then stopped at Krogers and the other store and finally got home. He was so exhausted as was I. I am fighting off some allergy or cold crap and feel horrible.

We will go trick-or-treating again on Tuesday night at my parent's house. Should be fun and bring back memories of me going around as a child...and they still do theirs at nighttime which will be more fun I think. Noah did ours around here during the daytime...between 2:00 and 4:00 p.m.

Here are some pictures of him at Lowes....in HIS ELEMENT! he LOVES appliances!

Dear Noah: Visit from Daddy October 2006

Well your father made it in for a visit. You were so excited to see him. The entire thing was good but also a bit sad. I knew when it came time for him to say goodbye you would likely have a real problem....and you did.

The visit itself went very well. BUT the night daddy was going to leave things got bad. You jumped in his lap and started to sob......saying how much you were going to miss him......how he needed to move to Ohio.....how he had to come back.........

You even came over to me when Daddy went outside to load the truck.........and said to me " I can love you less so I can love daddy more". "YOU can live in THIS house with all this space and I can go back to Colorado and live in the condo cause I like it better". "It is smaller and a lot of stuff is around me there". "I want to live with daddy and not you....I can talk to you on the phone instead of Daddy". On and on......crying.......pleading....sobbing.......it was horrific. I had to stop and ask myself too if perhaps Daddy put some of those thoughts into your mind....because until NOW you had not even mentioned him much let alone seriously THOUGHT about things like that. I know in the past daddy has basically "used" you to "manipulate me". That is really bad when a parent resorts to that.

BUT you were so sad.....however...when I told you I was filming you on the camera you INSTANTLY became FINE again........acting normal with no crying. I KNOW this is all part of your autism.....and partly just being a regular kid of divorced parents. I imagine this may be a bit harder for you to handle as it has entirely disrupted your life as you knew it. Your environment is different...your old routines no longer exist.......the people in your life have all changed. I feel totally responsible because it was my decision that ripped you up out of your firmly planted feet and life to bring you 1200 miles across country to begin a new life.....perhaps I did not really consider long-term how this might affect you if you did not have your daddy in your life on a semi-daily basis.

In an ideal world we could somehow all cohabit a large living facility where we could lead separate lives but all be together for YOU as well. I don't know if that would even be possible in reality. I suppose it could be.

BUT I will not dwell or go into a lot of detail here about your daddy leaving. It was very difficult for you.......though you did enjoy your visit with him. However, he was only here for 2-1/2 days. I often see how you act around Daddy and wonder if you would feel the same if it were me. Would you miss me? Would you cry when it came time for me to leave? I just wonder because around here most of the time you seem to want to be left alone...."have privacy" in your own room with the door almost completely closed. I have to really work hard sometimes to even get you to come out and eat at the table with me. I know you love me.........and I know there are times you have said you have missed me.....but I have never seen it displayed like you did with your father.

Will one day you decide when you are legally old enough to make a decision like that......that you would prefer living with Daddy? How would that make me feel? It would crush me. I know it would. I am not like your father. I cannot imagine one second of time not being in your life all the time........let alone living 1200 miles or so away from you and only seeing you occasionally. I would not get used to that. I would not even want to try. You have become the biggest part of my world and reason for living. I would be totally lost without you in it.

When it came time for bed you were still crying on and off...talking about how you wanted Daddy to come back next week and stay the entire month of November....how you needed him to BE HERE so you could give him hugs and kisses and tell him you loved him in person. I told you to give Daddy hugs and kisses and tell him you love him any time you want. On the phone, on the computer.....and before you go to sleep....you could close your eyes and talk to daddy......tell him you love him......and do hugs in your mind and fall asleep. I told you to call him the next day and ask him if he felt you giving him hugs and kisses the night before and I was sure he would say "YES!". You laid there......looking sad......still sobbing.....quietly.........trying to stop. You were thinking about something....and when I asked you whispered " I am thinking about Daddy and I am trying to give him hugs and kisses".

So lots of tears have passed......even a lot from me. This whole situation is such a sad one. It was my decision to get pregnant and have a child and bring you into this world. I DO NOT regret that....however....if I had any doubts about staying married to your father (WHICH I DID at the time I got pregnant)... I should have realized that would not be fair to you. I had always said if I ever had a child I would likely never divorce no matter what....because of the child. Your daddy knew this and used it to manipulate me too. Of course I realized later things happen beyond our control and the other person involved can make some dumb choices of their own in life affecting our lives...........so my opinion of that changed. Now we will likely just have to spend years making this huge adjustment in our lives. AND something tells me you will be fine......except for every time you see daddy and it comes time to leave. OR one day when you come to me crying and say you would prefer living with daddy.

anyway.....i love you.......and I am truly sorry for destroying the only life you had ever know since you were born...with me and daddy both in your world all the time.....surrounding you all the time......but we will have to work together to make a new life.....new beginning.....new start to new routines and fun together.

I love you noah wesley....forever I will

mommy :X

UPDATE: Daddy already called on his way back home....you talked to him for a SHORT time.....telling him on the other end "I don't want to talk to you too long" (cause your PC game was waiting in your room). SO I remain confused....not exactly sure what to think....knowing this all bothers you tremendously......and yet again if I keep you busy and bring others into your life....you are less affected and handle things much easier. Such a complete turn around from how you were even last night before falling asleep.

Dear Noah:

Well your daddy did finally decide to make the drive by himself across country to come in for a visit. He also wanted to surprise you.....so we did not tell you he was coming. First off you were still recovering from the overload this past weekend at the Halloween party. SO you have been a bit tired and semi-touchier than usual.

Anyway.....once Daddy was here he called from the driveway of our home...I said I would send you out to get the mail. I wish I would have recorded your reaction it was so precious! You opened the door to go get the mail.......looked behind you and up at the sky as usual.....checking out the day and getting ready to make a comment on how the weather looked for us for the night......when you started to turn around and looked toward the driveway and you saw Daddy there! You squealed with such delight and excitement....went running to him and lept into his arms and wrapped your arms and legs around his body and held on for dear life shouting "I didn't know you were coming!!" "I did't know you were here!" "OH I am SO EXCITED!" You were so happy I think you almost started crying. I know it about made me cry.

Once all of us came back inside you noticed Daddy and I talking to each other "fine". You came over and placed both of your hands on either side of my cheeks and asked me "so mommy are you happy now?" I asked you what you meant........and then you said something to the effect that you apparently had noticed I was talking to Daddy just fine and we were getting along OKAY and did not sound MAD anymore or yelling at each other...etc. I made it clear that while we were NOT mad at each other.....we also were not getting back together as we could not live together. BUT that we both loved you very much and we could always do things together......but not live together. I asked if you understood and you said you did and quickly moved on to other things. You could not wait to go spend the next couple of days with Daddy in the hotel!

Course I called today to see how you were doing. Daddy had tried taking you to a McDonalds to play in the play area and for breakfast. I rarely if ever do that anymore as a confined play area that echoes the sounds in the room made by kids is not easy for you to handle. In fact you just do not normally handle it well at all these days so I purposefully avoid those places. BUT you were there...kids started coming in....it got louder and louder......you did not want to share this certain play area toy with anyone else.......and of course another child wanted to play with it too. This upset you....and apparently you had a meltdown. Great.....here we go again. You were telling Daddy you wished you could have the entire play area to yourself! You wished you were the ONLY BOY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.....BUT you were also overloaded......have been for a few days now......and this is the time of year you get overloaded so easily. I guess it is not Daddy's fault ......he has not been around you recently to know you could not handle this. SO he apparently got you calmed down enough to finally leave. I am sure this exhausted you.

You spent the day together and when I called you did NOT want to talk to me on the phone. Which is fine......I had Daddy hold the phone down to you anyway so I could talk to you. You accept this method. SO I told you I loved you and missed you but was glad you were having a good time with Daddy. It is all about staying safe too......I cannot express that enough.

Tomorrow night we were supposed to go to a parade downtown and then trick or treating to the local merchants afterwards....but it is supposed to rain. Our city we lived in out in Colorado is under a blizzard watch......amazing.......sounds like they will get dumped on. I imagine we will get too much rain tomorrow and tomorrow night to go to any parade...but we will see. We will at some point all end up together and have some time together. Unfortunately for you Daddy has to go back on Friday morning....so it will only be a couple day visit for you.

Anyway....I am tired tonight. The house feels so disturbingly quiet and strange without you here. SO depressing. I realized I truly function FOR YOU. Without you here I am at a loss. AND it is not like I do not have things needing done...but I can scarcely concentrate on much these days let alone not think about you or wondering about you long enough to actually accomplish anything. Does this get any easier I wonder the older you get? AND even if I had another person living here with me now.......then what. It all comes back to "what's it all really about anyway?"

Seems I know at least one purpose I was put here on earth.........to be here for YOU and to help you. Otherwise lately I am at a loss.

I love you so much Noah Wesley. I miss you an incredible amount and you have only been away for 24 hours. I think I have called you about 4 times.

Mommy :XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dear Noah: Aunt Angela's Halloween Party 2006

wow.....have you been excited about THIS event. Needless to say you had a very difficult time. If nothing else my family I guess got to see more of how you CAN be at times when you get over-stimulated. You got very upset about many simple things yesterday including some music someone had turned on in the kitchen/dining room area while we were going to eat. You covered your ears and started crying and crying saying you could not have that music on. I asked you if it scared you (as it was Halloween spooky-type music) and you said "yes.....and it is mean.....it is ugly!" and proceeded to cry and cry. FINALLY thank goodness Angela told them to turn it off. I think your cousin Audrey found all of this a bit amusing how it scared you as she liked it a lot.....and I think they were all a bit shocked how you acted. One advantage of this happening from time to time is the fact that they are slowly I THINK getting more used to it and realizing you are different and do have "issues" from time to time that will be blatantly obviously different from the "norm" ...whatever that may be. Dad kept asking what I had fed you prior ....."chocolate?", "candy?"......and mom just kept saying in a low voice "this is how he can get when he gets too excited". Grandma just sat there eating and such as is more used to it than anyone I suppose since we lived there with her for a few months when we got here to Ohio....though in smaller group settings and a more non-changing environment (like not at a party)......you do very well and are pretty quiet and pretty much able to sit for a period of time. Yesterday you were literally bouncing off the walls, the floor, the furniture at times.....had a difficult time sitting still....a more difficult time adjusting to different things though you were able to recover in a few minutes from most things. You seemed to cry about something about every 15 minutes or so.....not being able to sit on a cardtable chair as it was too cold as it was metal and you had to sit on a wooden chair. Wanting to ONLY sit at the end of the table. Being upset cause your aunt Melissa did not sit beside you so you could give her hugs and kisses during the meal. Wanting to spin in aunt Angela's office chair and knocking over her big jug of soda. It seemed endless and you became more exhausted by each thing that happened. BY the time we left you were almost a walking zombie...in the car this became more obvious.......and I imagine it will take you a few days to recover.

This is the time of year you start to have more problems I have noticed in the past few years......with handling things. I am not sure if it is a change in the seasons and movement into the HOLIDAYS that does it or what....but you have reacted this way every year for about 4-5 years now. Well.....your entire life really....as you did things even when you were only a year or two old.

You of course had to be a traffic light for your costume. You came up with the idea.....and painted it....etc. Here are some pictures from the party:

autism links

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The Geek SyndromeThe Geek test for asperger's syndrome. Test yourself to see if you are an 'Aspie' or on the autism spectrum. Also includes information on Aspergers Syndrome for people with an interest in neurodiversity.
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Autism ChatRoomLooking for an online support chat room for parents with autistic children? Try Autism ChatRoom. If you are an adult with aspergers syndrome we have a chat room too, and even one for kids and teens on the autism spectrum.
Prenatal Test For AutismRead about the action over the prenatal test for autism here.
Aspergers.AtDeutsche Asperger Syndrom seite. Mit forum und chat.

Noah doing QUICK math

Here is a clip of my son Noah. I just discovered about a week ago he has an ability to now do math problems very quickly.......similar to a human calculator. I am sure it has a lot to do with his autism and how his brain works......but while he has always liked numbers....this ability just emerged. He has always been fascinated with maps and highways and interstates and road signs and speed limits and house plans and now traffic lights. He can tell you what highway runs where......where it ends......what intersects with it....etc. He is amazing. BUT this is a new ability I have discovered he has. You can ask him what age he will be in any year and he INSTANTLY knows the answer. I am anxious to see how this blossoms! I know it is difficult to hear....it was hard to get him to sit still as you will see in the video

http://media.putfile.com/Noah-doing-math

Dear Noah:

We went to our grandma C.'s house on Friday cause that was the day of my final court hearing for my divorce to get "unmarried" as you said so eloquently the other night. I did decide to try to explain to you what I was doing....and I think you understood it all pretty well.

SO we spent the day at grandma's house and my mom (your grandma Lincoln) was also there and some of my uncles showed up later. It was a nice visit but my one uncle erased a picture you had drawn on your magnadoodle and had been waiting patiently till we had finished talking so you could show it to him. I could see you were getting a bit distressed as this uncle CAN tease and his teasing with you is not ever going to be a good mix. I tried explaining a couple of times he could not do those things to you but he did not get it Iguess. HE DID understand however when he erased your picture without even giving you a chance to show it to him or talk about it...cause you totally lost it. We could not even think about implementing the CALM DOWN book routine as you were already past the point of no return in this MAJOR meltdown. I sat there and could see the rage building.....now we have worked really hard on how to handle that rage and express it in a positive way......but again....you were over the limit.......so you stood there......got really rigid.......red......shook......and then you started slapping both of his hands over and over and over really hard........and you pushed his hands.......and slapped them again........stomped your feet......came to me....started crying sooooo hard. It took forever for you to recover from this and for me to redirect how you SHOULD have reacted .......what to do the next time....etc. Our normal routine for such events.

Course my uncle later said "wow....that's the first time I ever saw him act like that!!!!"

what did he think? I had tried warning him. There are times I honestly think they all think you are just a normal little kid ......till something like this happens which is so OBVIOUSLY NOT the typical reaction for a child to have. THEN for a brief moment they get it. THEN for a brief moment they can understand OUR world.......

Little did he know the reason he has never SEEN that from you before is that I am always on the sidelines......always coaching you......in very subtle ways....some not so subtle......but always there.....coaching.......reminding.......removing you from a situation I know will set you off. I PREVENT things from happening 99% of the time. I have become so good at doing this even I am not aware I am doing it sometimes. I have made it all look very natural......like we are doing nothing special just to have you BE present at a family function and be okay and handle it.

ANYWAY......as usual after a reaction like that....you became a zombie afterwards.........this totally drains you.....

I looked back......and realized the last time you had an episode like that was back in Colorado when we were around your father all the time....cause that happened nearly every day and more than once per day in our lives there. It reminded me of just how far we have come......how much progress you have made......and how no child needs to live in that sort of stress.......go through that anguish over and over.......

all reinforcing the divorce decision......

here you do so well. I can control our environment. I can expose you to more as I think you can handle it. EVERYONE still thinks I am creating a social misfit. You are social. You do well socially. You play with neighbor kids......you play at the park with kids........you play with your cousin very well......you do well at family affairs now.......(as long as someone does not do something like Friday that upsets you too much). Most times even if you become upset...you can work through it.

Anyway.........i love you so much noah. You keep calling your future wife your MOTHER. You called my uncle's wife his MOTHER.....I find it interesting you cannot distinguish the difference between a wife and mother.

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

You have discovered what being "funny" is. I made you spaghetti sauce and garlic toast the other night and our house smelled sooo good. You were in the bathroom and had yelled for me to come "check your butt" as you just had a bowel movement.

On my way walking into the bathroom I said "our house smells soooo good....just like an Italian restaurant" to which you very promptly replied with a devilish grin on your face "NOT in here!"


hahahahahah.........you are hilarious! You are cracking jokes all the time these days.......and are really starting to understand what FUNNY things mean!

You know this causes me to think. It seems eventually you always get to where you need to be with talking or understanding things or developmental milestones. You get there...just on your own time. SO perhaps we really do not need to be too overly concerned about lack of progress sometimes because for the past 7 years......the truth is this....you ALWAYS eventually accomplish whatever it is you are supposed to be accomplishing for that time in your life.

Stress is off me a lot more since I have realized and accepted this. I even let you do school more at your own pace now and do not PUSH it down your throat.

i love you...my little stinky butt!

mommy :X

NUMBERS!

Tonight I discovered you have an incredible ability. I at whim asked you...."do you know how old you would be in 2033?" and you INSTANTLY answered "34!!" matter-of-factly. This actually started on Sunday at Grandma C.'s house. We were talking about the future and dates and you started doing this then.

Tonight different dates got brought up again. I wanted to see if last night had been a fluke or you really COULD easily and INSTANTLY come up with the answers to questions like that in your head. AND YOU DID. EVERY single time I asked you a year in the future and how old you would be you would answer me......and then you took it a step further and many times compared YOUR future age to how much older you would be then from Grandma C.'s age now. I find this incredible. I asked you how you could do this....did you figure it out in your mind or did you just see the answer in your mind. You said you could just SEE the answer in your mind. It was incredible...something I have only seen done in movies!

I think you are incredible......and you are really blossoming into a most amazing young man.

I love you! :X

a couple more

couple of close ups

Brumbaugh Fruit Farm October 2006

So Sunday we headed to Brumbaugh Fruit Farm. We had a great time. I had NO idea this place was a 45 acre apple farm that had so much to offer for kids and adults or entire families to do in the fall! They had hay rides......campfires...bean bag toss....puppies to pet....a 20 foot and 40 foot slide....arial swings...storybook forest.....Johnny Appleseed Trail....goats, chickens, swings, human hamster wheels, hay mounds, corn bin to play in like sand, caterpillar train, bakery, store. It was amazing. We had a ball. AND a pumpkin patch to boot! The entire place smelled like apple donuts or apple fritters......and I did stop and pick up a couple of the apple fritters on the way out and talk about out of this world! Anyway......not sure if you can see these pictures in this collage very well......but Noah and I had so much fun.

Fire Parade October 2006

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Noah and I went to the annual Fire Prevention Parade in my hometown yesterday. This meant going to my parents' house and spending the day with them...BBQ chicken dinner......the works. I have to say......it was one of the best days we have had since coming back to Ohio. Noah did very very well. He does better all the time. Having his cousin Audrey who is 6 years old around him helped a lot. She is very good with him.....helping him to feel more comfortable about things...encouraging him to try new things...etc. Of course Noah wanted NOTHING to do with the parade for fear of the sirens and noises in the parade from the fire trucks and such....and the clowns....but once he found out his cousin was going he changed his mind. I KNEW it would important for him to at least TRY this social outing...so we went down to the street corner and lined up our lawnchairs. Once there Noah started to get nervous. He started saying he did not think he wanted to do this.....was getting afraid....wanted to go back to the house...and I just kept acting like it would be okay and would be fine (hoping inside my own mind he would not freak out when the sirens started wailing as the firetrucks came down the street).

Noah did his best to cope with the anxiety going along with the PRE-parade jitters by spinning in the yard.....trying to find a place to hide...I kept wishing I had taken a big blanket he could have hidden under. I finally told him to sit on the ground BEHIND the chairs...which he did. This somehow made him feel more safe.......and secure....hidden....

Here came the police car that signaled the start of the parade.......he got all excited....jumped up and announced to everyone the parade was starting. He wanted to wave to everyone in the parade (he has even been waving to people he sees inside the grocery store as we pass them in our cart). Anyway......he started out in the position you will see at the end of this film clip......BEHIND the chair with both hands covering his ears....but as the parade went on.....he started removing one hand from his ears to wave.....then he stood up.....came around to the front of the chair and finally sat down....eventually both hands came off the ears and he was having a good time...only occasionally putting them over his ears if the sound got really bad. He did get up and run and hide behind a tree when the clowns came by....but heck...I had to resist an impulse to do the same! Is there anyone who does not get freaked out by clowns>?

Noah had a great day. He got through this and learned some social skills yesterday too. Audrey and him played together very well too......and we had one of the best days ever!

Dear Noah:

lately it has been extremely difficult. You are going through a mood lately where you just want to be alone in your room all the time. I can briefly get you to come out at various times during the day. Most of the time you just tell me "I want privacy" as you are shutting your door.

This makes it really tough to have any meals.........and most of those times you complain about how my food smells bad and it gags you making it nearly impossible for you to stay there with me while we try to eat together.

OR you just come out and tell me to NOT look at you or to GO AWAY so you again can have your PRIVACY while you eat.

I realize these are just moments in time......phases that usually do not last too long......but I worry they will continue and never go away. The longest time you were like this was about 8 months. Six months for sure. It was very difficult. I could barely get your dressed every day let alone out of the house ever for anything....even doing things you enjoyed doing.

I do not take any of this personally other than the fact that I feel like a total failure sometimes as a mom. I am also your school teacher here at home and I feel like I am really slacking on that lately. Of course your mood lately really puts a damper on getting you to want to participate in anything we HAVE to do. I know it will all get done......and you are learning.....so I don't fret much over this anymore.

BUT I often wonder if I should allow you to stay there in your room.....or at your computer for as long as you want to sometimes......though I have to admit those times I do try to take advantage and just sometimes give myself a break. I feel so guilty when I just LET you go with YOUR flow to give ME a break.

anyway.................hopefully we can start doing more fun things together again real soon. I am living with you but there are times I feel like I live totally alone....or at the very best I am just watching a tv show called Noah's World.

i love you lots......

mommy :X

my so-called BRILLIANT plan

okay....so I decided to try to get up really super early again to start working here at home. Yeah right. This means going to bed when Noah goes to bed......or around 10:00 PM. Okay..that is easy enough.

THEN it means getting up in time to START work by 3:00 AM! Yeah......before Noah was born I switched to a night shift so I could work when he slept so I could have more time with him during the day. YES...this means I have been chronically sleep deprived for about 7 years now.

However....since moving back to Ohio from Colorado.......the time change messed me up. I found I could no longer easily GET UP and STAY UP at 2:30 a.m. and get by on 3-4 or even 5 hours of sleep! YES...I required MORE. AND let's face it. SEVEN years have gone by.....my body just cannot always keep up to the HIGH demands I make on it.

SO......since I have a harder time getting things accomplished without distractions once Noah is awake (and NO I am NOT blaming him).......I decided to try working in the wee hours again. Well....I did successfully do this TWICE thus far this week. However....I am now soooooo exhausted......too tired to even sleep. I could be taking a nap but I am too tired to fall asleep.

This messes with the clarity of my mind. Safety issues surmount. I nearly burned the place down today after I turned on a skillet with oil in it to fry some chicken tenders for Noah and got distracted by him in the bedroom and came out to see the place all SMOKEY and the pan nearly ready to burst into flames. These are things I NEVER do......well......cannot say NEVER anymore now can I?>?

yep......this is when you make stupid stupid mistakes that can be deadly. I am not going to even attempt driving anywhere. I am like a walking zombie.

It also toys with my thoughts......or LACK thereof. I can be grumpier.......yeah.......even BITCHY at times I suppose and more easily TICKED off at things that normally do not bother me.

I look in the mirror and I see a really tired person staring back at me...asking me......."WHY are you trying to do this again?" It does no one any good. I have no energy to complete the tasks here at home I must.....including homeschooling Noah. I feel pretty worthless. I feel like a really bad mom.......worse teacher..........provider......NONE of the above.

I also feel like a crappy girlfriend....who wants to put up with my shit while I do nothing but complain about their shit?

SHIT...I have said SHIT now how many times? MY grasp of the English language has gone to hell in a hand basket.

Dear Noah:

The last few nights you have had a hard time sleeping and falling asleep. OR STAYING asleep! The night before last you got up in the middle of the night and said you were hot....needed a fan......needed a brighter nightlight......after a short time I got you re-situated back in bed.

LAST night around 11:30 p.m. you got back up .....crying.......saying you were starving! You had told me earlier around 9:00 (ONE hour before bed) you were hungry but I said that was too close to bed to eat M&Ms (your preferred SNACK). I told you if you were hungry you could eat real food or crackers this close to bed. You chose NOT to. SO here you came at 11:30 p.m. crying saying you were STARVING and needed a snack. I was so mad.....but can understand if you were hungry how bad that is trying to fall asleep HUNGRY. I said you could have crackers or a bowl of bananas...your sometimes in-between food when you are torn on what to eat. YOU QUICKLY accepted the Gerber Stage 3 bananas......and inhaled them like there was no tomorrow. Back to pee and into bed and you were sound asleep pretty quickly!

THIS CANNOT keep happening and I do hope and pray it is not a new trend or phase you are going to start going through.

I love you anyway.......oh...yesterday you got your first traffic light for your collection. I gave you a traffic light LAMP which you love. If we switch the bulbs out to non-blinking you could use that for a better nightlight at night....though it may distract you too much.

love you

mommy

Dear Noah:

So you have really been getting into Charlie Brown books...which I think is great. Problem is....you are starting to talk like some of them do....and it is not always great. Lucy calls people and things "STUPID" a lot. You think it is funny. You laugh at Linus' hair standing straight up on end......almost to the point of falling out of your chair you laugh so hard. You like to say "rats" and "good grief" now. The true mimic for sure.

To this point. We were at grandma C.'s house the other night for dinner. A politician promoter was going door to door leaving flyers on mailboxes. This bothered you. SO you went out and grabbed the first flyer off the mailbox. Not 5 minutes later the guy came back with ANOTHER flyer...(guess he figured this house was missed as there was no flyer). THIS TOTALLY freaked you out.....you opened the door and ran out and yanked it off the mailbox and brought it in!

You stood guard over the open door. It was chilly outside and grandma had her heat on and I said to shut the door. You said "no mommy....I have to stand here in case that STUPID man comes back with another STUPID flyer and I will tell him NOOOOOOO...don't leave us another one we already have TWO!!!"

grandma got to laughing.....so did I .......hahah...it was funny.......but probably not great you said STUPID. I know that is not a bad word and it could be worse. You could be saying a cuss word. However...I never liked the word stupid and do not like for anyone to call someone else stupid....or things stupid. It was a word I was careful to never use around you or let others use around you.

AND this is an example as to why I did not....

but anyway......I do find it hilarious now when you will wail out "oh good grief" as you run down the hallway giggling.

mommy loves you Noah......:X