Dear Noah:

Well tonight after I had to make you come upstairs because grandma basically needed a break from you...as you continued to try to climb in her lap, hurting her legs. I had to tell you to come upstairs with me....to give grandma a break. You wanted to finish watching Emeril. You got upset...and hauled off and HIT ME and HIT ME HARD. Something you have not done since you were about 3.

I KNOW you just want to love on everyone. You are so filled with love and want to share it with all. You love hugs. You hug just about everyone if you can.

Part of me feel like such a failure....I need to do so many things to provide for you and it has been extremely difficult. A bit stressful too...so much of all your needs depends on me.

Living with grandma has been a huge blessing..but also trying. She tries to understand you and your autism but she also just does not accept the fact that there are things you do differently because OF your autism and sensory integration issues..etc. WHY she thinks she needs to ask the same questions over and over and over about the same things and why you are not doing something or do not want to eat something or smell something or feel something.....it is exhausting and tiring on my part to continually explain to her that I just accept it as the way you are.

IF YOU do NOT want to eat any other margarine but Blue Bonnet and you CAN tell the difference..I honor that and do not try to make you eat anything other than Blue Bonnet.

If you do not wish to eat all your chocolate chip cookie...I could care less. I do NOT make you clean your plate. I know you will eat what you are hungry for and NOT overeat. NO weight issues on your part unlike my grandma has had......no reason to eat all the cookie if you only like the soft gooey inside parts. She does not understand this. She thinks you are wasting food.

You have had a very hard time being around when she is washing clothes or cooking....as the sounds and smells bother you tremendously. She said she did not get much company but she does....a lot more than we ever do in our entire lives together! The constant disruption in our routine or day is different for you and me. Yuo are trying so hard to handle it all and relish company! BUT it is near impossible then for me to get you to do anything else.

SO life has been extremely challenging. Trying to explain for the millionth time to someone that you do not like for them to look at you when you do certain things....or why you don't want certain foods sitting beside you at the table cause they smell funny to you...or why you have to have 2 forks at the supper table so you can use them to STIM....etc....is overwhelming to say the least. I spend all my free time explaining or doing paperwork.

BUT I will love you forever.......always....just as you are.

Love,

Mommy

they turned our offer down on the house

So...I am so tired of looking and trying to make this work just now in our lives. I am getting the distinct clear message perhaps I need to just wait.

SO....no more house hunting for us now. I will instead try to find a house to rent. I had no idea when moving back to OHIO finding a house to buy that fit our needs AND price range would be so extremely difficult. Seems a lot has been extremely difficult. SO much paperwork...so many things so trying. I don't want to sound like a chronic complainer but!

I still need to find Noah and I a place to live.
I am still filling out papers for the county aid and the SSI stuff.
I now have to hire another attorney to help with the dissolutionment crap as I paid out 900.00 to the first attorney for nothing. I am now in the process of filing a grievance with the Bar Association (MORE paperwork).
I am still trying to do my job at least part time.
I am trying to home school Noah when I can...even if just in bits and pieces for now.
I am trying to make some big changes in my own life.

NOT enough hours in the day for all this.

Noah has done pretty well most days. BUT then there are times he does not listen much at all. Like tonight. He had been sitting quietly downstairs with grandma watching EMERIL on the cooking channel on cable. I heard grandma yelling at him to stop something or she would call for me. I happened to come downstairs to wash out my coffee pot...and heard all this. Noah was crying NO....and she was threatening him. I finally walked in and Noah got upset that I snuck up on him. I asked grandma what he was doing and she acted like she did not know what to say. In reality it is this simple. Noah is a bit on the HIGH ENERGY side most days and nights. He is so socially starved when he gets company and can visit with grandma he loves it. Problem is...grandma is in her 80s and a bit fragile and cannot handle a 60 pound boy jumping into her lap on her legs.....trying to scare her to wake her up....pushing into her backside as she walks along...etc.

He is so loving her....wanting to be with her all the time...

Right now he is obssessed again with real estate. YES you heard me correctly. REAL estate! He loves to read about houses.....look online for houses for sale...design houss on his PC.....anything to do with houses. When company comes over or he is around me or grandma or anyone who is willing to listen..he talks tirelessly nonstop about houses....the square footage of a house....how many rooms....price....location.....on and on and on.....NONSTOP. It CAN be exhausting and I have to constantly remind him to give grandma a break!

He gets upset when I make him give her a break. He wants to take his doodle pad downstairs and draw her house plans and show her. OR get his real estate book and check the listings and review them out loud to her. YES...he CAN read the ads very very well and knows all the real estate LINGO! MY realtor gets a huge kick out of how much he KNOWS! he can now even TYPE the ads...all has been extremely helpful with his speech, reading and writing!

ANYWAY....I am sure grandma is tired. AND I know she cannot handle Noah...but idle threats like Noah's daddy has always given out to him do no good. ONE does much better to explain to Noah quietly how jumping on someone's lap can hurt them and make them cry. IGNORE it a bit...(though I know grandma cannot ignore that).

it is a bit sad to me. he is so wanting to love on people...HUGS strangers...so socially wanting to connect. SO difficult to find the right mix and body type who can handle his energy and incessant talking and loving hugs!

SO I have to play the bad guy and make him come back upstairs with me...stay upstairs with me. The rule is when I AM UP HE IS UP....as I do not know what he is doing downstairs and grandma has no control over him.

stress.....I think I know what that is on a first name basis.

Dear Noah:

taking time to stop and smell the flowers

Dear Noah:

You have been saying some really cute things lately:

For example...I asked you last night what YOU felt would be a good offer on the house. You said "My mind says 89,900 but my stomach says 84!"

You have been doing a lot of echoing lately. ANY time anyone says something...you are repeating it. I know this helps with building your language skills...but I also knows it bugs most people. SO...I have to remind you to NOT REPEAT ME as you keep telling me if I do it to you!

AND now my mind is blank. I swore I would start writing or entering here all the cute things you said as you said them....and now I am drawing a blank. I will add them later as I think of them.

Here you are at Easter this year at Aunt Angela's house

Dear Noah:

Life has been extremely hectic lately. We are still looking for a house to buy. Seems anything in the price range I would prefer staying in....need major things done inside to pass inspection. OR are practically condemned places. The one we made an offer on...a cute Cape Cod home......ended up needing a lot of things done that would have been too expensive for Mommy to fix.

SO back to looking. We finally found a cute ranch and we just made an offer on it last night. Now I am a bit antsy as it was a LOT more than I had wanted to pay. I am sitting here wondering...should we even try doing this right now...especially knowing that if we just rent for now...the county might even help us pay for our rent which would free up more money? Everyone tells me to take advantage of what the county or State has to offer. Some aids I do not feel right in taking for some reason....and the rent thing bothered me a bit...as well as food stamps.

I guess we will hear today or tomorrow about our offer. IF it would be getting myself into something too over my head I hope they turn it down. It is a cute house though and in the best shape so far that any of the others have been in. They were only asking 110,000.00 but that is a lot more than even I was wanting to pay.

Life has been going regardless. I have tons of paperwork to do for you and your helps. SSI just sent me a packet of things they need MORE information on. This is fine as I have all the files here...I now just have to camp out at a copy store or my copier and scan or copy things to send to them. ALL the paperwork is so time consuming and with working and such I have had no extra time to do this.

I had to fire my attorney who was handling my dissolutionment case. LONG story....but he kept my money.....now I have to file a grievance with the Bar Association and more crap. It never seems to end.

We just went through more turmoil and drama a few weeks back when your grandpa basically completely rejected you. AND me for that matter. We had gone over to mom and dad's house for a quick hello. A neighbor lady stopped by to say hi to me as we have kept in touch since I had moved to Colorado and she always likes to say hello when I am in town and she heard we had moved back to OHio. So she came over and we were all sitting around the kitchen table minus dad of course...who had never bothered to come out and even say hello after we arrived. He sat out in his office...and their dog went out in the office area with him.

NOW...ever since we have been there for visits you have been fascinated by their dog....wanting to chase it the first time you were around her...and eventually even getting BIT in the nose by it. Dad just laughed about that one and said "I told you so" crap.

I have always wanted dad or mom to pen the dog up while you are there for a visit....which basically means letting her go to dad's office and closing the door with dad and her inside the office room. NOT such a bad idea...and NOT in a cage penned up. BUT NO...no one ever pens her up. They don't seem to understand that you cannot control wanting to chase her...or walk fast around her..or blowing in her face no matter how many times we tell you NOT to do it.

SO that night...mom, me and the neighbor lady were sitting at the table talking. You had done very well....I thought....but then disappeared and were out in dad's office. I could hear dad talking...figured all was well..until I suddenly heard him screaming " I told you NO and to stop that....GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOW GOD DAMN IT!"

Out you came...tears welling up in your eyes....I asked what you did...you whispered "I blew in Autumn's face" . Which means you laid on the floor beside the dog and lightly blew in her face which made her squinch her eyes and face up and jerk and you laugh. Dad got mad...afraid perhaps she was going to bite you again...but not really as he had sat and ALLOWED the dog to bite you a couple years prior and just laughed about it. NOW...he had told me 2 weeks prior to this visit that he could NOT handle being around someone like you for long. Did not understand HOW I DID it. I told him that is why HE did not have any kids who had autism.

Anyway...out of his room he came charging....cussing and carrying on. I once again asked "I don't see why you just can't pen the dog up while we are here" to which he proceeded to SCREAM "HELL NO I AM NOT GOING TO PEN HER UP...WHY SHOULD I PEN HER UP....SHE IS PART OF THE GOD DAMN FUCKING FAMILY!"

To which I said "Oh..so me...your daughter...and Noah...Your grandson are not?"

He said "HELL no you are not...especially when you act like this!!"

I said I was not the one acting like an ass. He said to kiss his ass. I said I would never kiss HIS ass.....on and on....ridiculous. I finally stood up and announced to mom we were leaving...and that we would NEVER be back. We gathered all things up and quickly left with the poor STUNNED neighbor lady with us. YES...he acted like this in front of the neighbor lady!

I told mom (YOUR grandma) that I no longer had to live like that. If she chose to put up with crap like that and live like that so be it. I was not a little kid anymore and I did NOT have to tolerate it and most certainly did not have to let you be exposed to it! I only had to be exposed to it and abuse over and over as a child cause mom was not willing to yank us and herself OUT of the situation. So we stayed and went through hell.

I told her I would never be back. Not as long as dad was alive. NEVER...if she wanted to see us fine...she could come to see us wherever we might end up living. I apologized to the neighbor lady. We left. Dad called the next day to try to apologize. It would be different if this had been a FIRST or a unique episode. It was not. I am done with him and have washed my hands of him. If you want to see him again one day when you are old enough to decide that on your own fine.

The entire time we lived in Colorado Noah NO one but Melissa came out to see us ...and that was during her so-called honeymoon and the time when you were born. Otherwise...everyone has always expected us to make the 1200 mile drive every year to see them. No one ever called much....we had to call them. A very one-way street it seemed. I always got the impression it was almost like "well you chose to move to Colorado so lie in your own bed you made...if you want to be closer to family or have visitors...move back".

NOW we ARE back in OHIO. I came back for so-called family support. YEah right. I came back for what????????? my so-called family support is dwindling fast. We are staying still at grandma's house....and while I so appreciate her letting us live here till we can find a place of our own...I am sure we are wearing out our welcome. PLUS we cannot get into normal routines for YOU. You are so loving and wanting to constantly visit and talk to grandma or ANYONE in the family for that matter...this is all SO GOOD for you and your language and speech has improved tremendously since the move back. SO the move was worth it for that at least. BUT it is soooo time for us to move on. AND to be honest...part of me would still rather be 1200 miles away from the FAM...coming back for an annual visit perhaps.

So much turmoil and strife and crap happening lately. No one really wanting to help or learn about autism much less why you do what you do. My sister and your aunt Angela is surprisingly very helpful and her and her husband Gary and their son Alex do very well around you and you really enjoy being around them. My other sister Melissa seems to NOT want to be around us right now for whatever reason. She at first said she was happy for me and getting away from your daddy and even finding someone else......now maybe I am too happy for her to be around as she seems so miserable in her own life? She says I have changed...since being in Colorado.....and I guess she does not like it. I told her if that meant I no longer will take crap from anyone and that I am choosing to live MY OWN LIFE....so be it...yes..I have changed....but she had told me before that was good...now she is knocking me for it. She has not called....doubtful she will call....she occasionally drops me a generic comment in my efx2 blog.....rarely even get an email. SO maybe she is jealous I am happy and have what I have...a man in my life who DOES love me and you? HELP from the county and State and gov. for you....to make things easier on us money-wise...she is a single mom and I am sure it bugs her she has to struggle.

Anyway.......I am rambling. Trying to gather together thoughts I have neglected to write about over the past few weeks all at once here is tough. AND it tends to make the post so long I doubt anyone will even read it anyway.

I have discovered who really cares for you and me Noah. Dad rejecting me is one thing...but rejecting you I think is so sad. He will miss having time with you....to get to know YOU and how you are made up. That will be HIS LOSS. I have nothing I can say about him that I love. NOTHING. SO what if he is my biological father..ANYONE could have done that with active living sperm.

MOM...well....as usual she does not say much. SHe is thinking it all but not saying it...and when she does...she tends to be a bit harsh. She seems to be a bit afraid of you and the fact she cannot always handle you....as you seldom listen to everyone around you all the time...including ME.

Grandma has been great but she too at times just does not GET you...and you tend to still want to go up and scare her....when she is trying to catnap....you don't like it and you walk in and make noise or yell BOO. You go up and try to push her...from behind when she is walking...which COULD knock her over as she has bad balance. No matter how many times I tell you NO to not do things...and why....you almost immediately continue to do them again. In this environment I cannot control it has been difficult for you at best. You are rebelling more against me. You want to watch shows with grandma on TV....instead of doing what I say. ANY time someone comes over for visiting...you want to stop what we are doing including NO schoolwork. This is extremely difficult for me. I cannot even do my job like I should here from home. You are requiring almost constant prompting and redirecting in your life. CONSTANT means exhausting...and little time for me to do anything else.

Becky and Margaret are troopers...and have been there to help us out with moving and such. We just don't see them often. I know your uncle Chris would do anything too if he was closer.

SO the way it is....we came back...but have little support here anyway compared to Colorado. You DO qualify for more aid...more helps...all that will be great. We like living here now in the small town. You seem happy and seem to be thriving. You enjoy family visits and doing things. You so want to be around other people and spend time with them.

You are so lovable...you even have been hugging the realtor and our home inspector! You seem to know who you can love on and who you can't. You do not realize your own strength however and the fact that you are getting bigger now.....and heavier....and many cannot take you JUMPING into their laps!

Time just keeps ticking away. Time is precious. If I can teach you anything...it will be to live every moment and never waste any time! LOVE large when you can. LIVE without any regrets. DO as much as you can every day. Everything will work out. We will make decisions as they need to be made. It will all be okay. AND don't worry....for now you are too young to worry...let mommy do that.

I love you so much Noah. I am so proud of you. You have been obssessing about house stuff lately....and are now TYPING the house ads on your computer. This amazed me....you can read at such a high level..and can now type the words too. INCREDIBLE!

I will love you forever........mommy {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}