Dear Noah: Sunday Feb. 26, 2006

So we had a lot of company this past weekend at my grandmother's house. Noah loves it but also tends to get a bit over-stimulated and excited. When this happens he will come into the room with everyone else and sometimes walk around in circles.....dance around in place and flap his hands....or rush over to people and push up against them....and even walk around kissing them all. For example yesterday when mom and dad came over...he walked up to his grandpa and kissed him on the knee..then he walked to my grandma his great-grandma and kissed her on the knee...and then his grandma (my mom) and then me. AND then himself. He seems to be craving human contact and social interaction from others so much....he is always wanting to go up to everyone and climb all over them and plaster hugs and kisses on them. He loves going up and taking the other person's face in his hands and really LOOKING at them and feeling them. Almost like what a blind person does.





Then more hugs and kisses and love love love pouring out from him to everyone else. Then there is usually more drama when company LEAVES as he never wants to see them go....and he has a fit. Saturday my cousin stopped in for a visit and then my sister and her husband and son. AND Sunday mom and dad came by and then my uncle. So needless to say he had his extent of system overload!

We all slept well last night. Poor grandma kept falling asleep at the drop of a hat while trying to watch Dancing With The Stars. I seem to be hopelessly in a stupor since arriving to Ohio...and can fall asleep talking on the phone even! sooo embarassing and makes me feel so bad when I do that. This 2 hour time change and release of all the stress in addition to new stress I guess has taken its toll.

Today it will be some running...going to call about some houses on the lake I am interested in.....and I need to run errands.

Work is going well though I am still behind.....and with the switching over to a new backup account that I have had to do lately as my primary account is caught up....it means I go a lot slower than usual and cannot make my line count! Crap!!

My brother has FINALLY come aboard the blogging world and is just starting out on EFX2. I have a link for him on my family blog links to the right. He is www.clphotodesign.efx2.com

Okay...more later......lots to do here for now. :feedingbirds:

Dear Noah: Saturday 02/25/06

A bit hectic today here at grandmas. My cousin came over in the late afternoon...Noah got all excited about that. He had spent the afternoon talking to his daddy via video conference on the PC....and reading books to him..etc...so he was already overwhelmed a bit. Then my cousin comes by.........and he loves her....had a great time with her but got wound up....cried when she left. I finally got him calmed down...rocking him...almost asleep...and my sister Angela (Simplicity) and her husband and son pop in for a visit.

Noah was SUPER excited at this point and spent a lot of time just spinning in circles and flapping his hands around and moving constantly!

Earlier in the day he had a couple of episodes. Grandma was running her sweeper and he did not like the sound but had to run downstairs to pee. He thought he timed it right so when she turned off the sweeper he could run down. The sweeper went off..he was halfway down the steps and she turned the sweeper back ON!!!!

Needless to say NOAH FREAKED OUT....he froze on the steps covering his ears...screaming and screaming and crying.... Grandma finally heard him and turned the sweeper off and Noah just yelled at her "NOW DON'T TURN THAT ON AGAIN!" and I yelled down that he had to pee and the sweeper scared him. SO she waited till he got done. What a trying time.

A few times like that for him over the past few days. Something a bit off the norm happens and sets him off.

otherwise....all going well. I called on a rental tonight...have some houses to call about tomorrow.

Dear Noah:

I AM AT MY WIT'S END WITH STRESS TO BEGIN. I AM TRYING TO WORK FROM HOME BUT NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WORK FROM HOME....I AM TRYING TO LEARN A NEW ACCOUNT....TRYING TO FIND A HOUSE TO BUY WHICH HAS BEEN PUT ON HOLD PENDING THE REFI OF MY CONDO IN COLORADO........ALL CRAP...MORE CRAP.....NOW MORE PRESSURE TO MOVE OUT AND DO IT QUICKLY AS... WELL...I JUST NEED TO. DON'T WANT TO WEAR OUT OUR WELCOME WHICH APPARENTLY I HAVE ALREADY DONE.

AND I DON'T THINK MY FAMILY (MINUS A FEW) WILL EVER TRULY UNDERSTAND NOAH LET ALONE EVEN WANT TO.......I AM TIRED OF THEM THINKING I AM JUST NOT CORRECTING HIM OR THAT HE WOULD EVEN LISTEN TO ME WHEN I DO CORRECT HIM. IT DOES NOT (I REPEAT "NOT" WORK THE SAME WITH AN AUTISTIC CHILD AS A REGULAR CHILD). SO WHAT....DOES THIS MEAN IN THE FUTURE I AVOID ALL FAMILY GET TOGETHERS? DOES THIS MEAN EVERYONE OR ANYONE WANTING TO SEE ME OR NOAH WOULD HAVE TO COME TO MY HOUSE AS NOAH DOES BETTER IN HIS OWN SURROUNDINGS AND ENVIRONMENT? DOES THIS EVEN MEAN WE WOULD EVEN HAVE ANY VISITORS? AND SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME...I LEFT COLORADO FOR WHAT WAS IT....OH that's right...FAMILY SUPPORT???? NO pressures......a break......time...peace...love......

GRANDMA KEEPS ASKING ME WHY DAD HAS NOT COME TO SEE NOAH AGAIN...."DOESN'T HE WANT TO?" "HE HAS ONLY SEEN HIM ONCE since you have been back" ...I TRY EXPLAINING IT TO GRANDMA.

MOM HAS COME A COUPLE OF TIMES TO VISIT BUT IT HAS ALWAYS ENDED A BIT STRESSFULLY. NOAH LOVES HER AND HER VISITS but I can see the wear and tear it takes even on her as she sits there and does not totally understand why Noah has to run up and PUSH the dryer with all his might or body slam into the wall or my lap for that matter let alone all the many other little things he does that are "quirky" but make him who he is.

Without my sister Becky and her partner Margaret I would most likely still be unloading my rental moving truck. I love them to death and so appreciate all they do AND THEIR VERBAL support for what I have done so far. FROM MARGARET nonetheless.....not even a blood relative. I don't think she knows it but I just fell in love with her that day she verbally offered her support for my decisions with Noah and how the move would or could be a "good thing" and she could see positive changes in Noah already. She GETS it and probably only cause she has an uncle who is autistic. I am telling you all unless you actually LIVE it you never really understand it.

My sister Melissa seems to get it.....my sister Angela seems to understand it and knows or seems to..how to deal with Noah....my nephew Alex is great with Noah.

I see the same look on some family faces I saw on Noah's prior teachers. They tend to wonder WHY he is acting like he is...think he is a spoiled brat....and/or are a bit more than just apprehensive possibly thinking he would intentionally hurt someone?

He has autism.. ..a brain disorder...something he will not get over. So yeah....you have a semi-fucked (okay...normally not in rant mode I would have said semi-abnormal) up family member now... goes along really well with his semi-fucked up mommy. (excuse my FRENCH)

He has sensory integration disorder (also something he will not get over).....hence the need to constantly seek sensory input from his environment....usually involving body contact of some sort.....this keeps him GROUNDED and is something he HAS to do....it is my job to constantly redirect him to find positive sources of that input.....ACCEPTABLE ones...

stimming.....repetitive motions...sounds...or combinations of the two....he will do just to COPE and be in MY WORLD.....

fits of frustration and crying...not understanding the WHY of it all.....Noah does not get WHY of anything......he has limited verbal skills though they are improving so his first instinctive reaction is always to lash out. He is improving and now knows you cannot lash out.....so he runs off to another room to TAKE DEEP breaths and try to calm down. Most find this a bit amusing...but laughing only makes it worse in the end as he thinks you are not taking him seriously or listening to him.

He has generalized anxiety disorder (also something he will have to learn to just DEAL with). so he worries about things like me not being able to love HIM as I would not have enough love to give to someone else. He is constantly anxious because he has to walk on freakin eggshells just to survive in MY freakin world. He worries about not getting a BIG BOY cup instead of a kid cup in a restaurant. He worries about not having the right combination of foods he likes.....he worries about the COLOR of things.....he worries about the smells.....this also overlaps his sensory problems and his autism. ALL play roles.

His hypotonia....low muscle tone.....yes everyone...he still has a problem wiping his own butt. Will he get it? Yes eventually...just like he is still doing physical therapy just to learn to hold a pencil correctly....or a toothbrush...or to button or unbutton buttons or snaps...zippers....I will have to teach him HOW TO FOLD and HOLD toilet paper to wipe his own butt. This has already been going on now for nearly 2 years. I KNOW he will eventually get it and I will never give up on him till he does!

To most it probably appears I am just sitting up here lazily chatting online and doing nothing about my situation. Between working and homeschooling Noah and all the upcoming changes in my personal life...and environment....I have little time to actually find a new place to move to. BUT as of today I am devoting myself to finding a place and quickly. I guess if I cannot find a place to buy soon enough...I will have to just rent for now. Just to ease the stress for all involved. Now I am finding out from my realtor that I have to have my current job for at least 90 days (which I do) before I can buy a house. I also have to have my former spouse sign off on crap......more crap...always GUARANTEED to have CRAP happen in your life....if nothing else it is the ONE constant I can depend on.....more crap to make things more trying....always testing...pushing me to the edge to see if what. ...I will JUMP off it again? NO freakin way will I....damn you! so back off crap! BACK OFF NOW!!!!! This is nothing but a refining process of ME....and I become STRONGER with each dose of additional CRAP you toss my way!!!!!

I cannot handle any more stress...I was on overload before arriving to Ohio. Some simple understanding would be great. I have always thought about everyone else and their feelings and what is best for them...and still tend to do so...but it sure would be nice for someone to show that they give a crap about me and Noah for a change. TONY...this does NOT include you as you DO show me you care all the time and then some!

I am not putting all this down to make anyone in my family mad. This is where I post my thoughts and feelings and rants....so I guess this is a semi-rant. Do I feel better? After bawling all morning at the complexity of my situation? NO.....I don't. BUT life goes on....I am strong......and I will get over it.

Dear Noah:

Well...I think this is what...week 3 since we have moved already? I see I need to change the clock here to Eastern Standard time. Feeling semi-depressed all of a sudden...not sure even why.

You are making the adjustment to living in Ohio very very well. You announced today that you want to stay in Ohio forever! You like all your new friends (family) and such! You are soooo loving it and are being a big boy...sleeping in your own bed at grandma's house!

Now my family has not been around you except like once a year...so....they do not really understand you and know all your quirks and what makes you tick! OR NOT.....

SO the past couple of weeks including yesterday....we have had a few major moments where you lost it.......and I tried to explain WHY......and I am not sure anyone really "gets it". I am sure some still think it is just you are a spoiled brat or something...which you are NOT. You truly cannot handle certain things well or process things well.

ANY change in your normal is overwhelming for you. While you handle these hiccups much better now than in the past, there are times where you still get overwhelmed and implode!

So...the family will have to slowly learn over time how you are...what sets you off and what makes you functionable...all time consuming. Most are more than willing to learn so that is a good thing.

Mommy is tired. Not sure why...so I am going to keep this short. Need to start looking for a house more seriously.....I have seen some houses even for rent. I really would prefer buying but....maybe renting would not be so bad either.

I love you

mommy

Dear Noah:

Well we are getting more settled all the time...even if it is all just temporary at grandma's house.

You have mentioned many times you are HAPPY now to be in Ohio....you had thought you were going to live in Colorado forever but now that you came here to play you are happy and want to stay here forever. Course you said you would also be open to moving again some day if we decide to do so.

Have not had much time to visit anyone....we have checked out a couple of houses.....all near a lake....very nice area.

Anyway......this is a short update...so much more to tell about but I have little time tonight.

I love you and you seem to be progressing quite nicely socially here though you have had a couple of times when you lost it.

LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

mommy

Noah Singing a short song he made up

http://media.putfile.com/Melinda-Napoletano_2_17_200612_37_08

Unloading Day-Feb 4-2006

General: Unloading day-February 4, 2006

Sun, Feb 05, 2006 At 08:39 AM


So Saturday the 4th was to be the day everyone came over to my storage locker to help me unload my 22 foot moving truck! My sister Becky and her love Margaret came over........cannot say enough about them both. SO amazing women and willing to do anything for you. Margaret is so cool and I love her so much. She just made me feel so good for the decisions I am making and offered nothing but total support, constant reassurance, and huge amounts of encouragement. She also offered up ALL of her muscle power with moving and unloading and was so QUICK to make some important decisions necessary to help me unload and move that trailer and my car..etc. SO without her and Becky's help I would most likely still be standing at the locker area trying to figure out what I was going to do to get my car off that trailer and the trailer then off my rental truck.

My brother-in-law Gary showed up with his son Alex....asking for nothing in return but there to offer huge amounts of help with hauling the stuff off my truck. MORE MUSCLE power which was great as my arms felt like they were about to fall off!

My sister Melissa came over with Audrey. I was very glad to see her too...and Audrey is such a trip! She is like a 50 year old woman in a 5 year old body! I was so THRILLED she was so wanting to be around me this time.....even eager to hug me and play with me or have me play with her. So we had a lot of fun playing and I even let her play hair stylist with my hair. I was on the sofa at mom and dad's and Audrey was standing behind me brushing my hair. She then grabbed a round brush and apparently got it stuck on the left side of my hair. Becky and Melissa were sitting across from me and once their mouths both dropped open to the floor simultaneously...I asked them "WHAT IS WRONG?" Audrey had grown silent and I figured something had happened. Well the round brush was tangled in my hair really badly. NONE of them could get it out. Audrey then leaned over, patted my arm and said quietly " I think we are just gonna have to let grandma cut this one out!". I got to laughing and said "No way!" or my entire left side of my hair would look like I had stepped out of the Edward Scissorhands movie.

SO I finally got the brush untangled. Dad snapped a few pics of me with Audrey and Noah in my lap. It was a great way to stay warm at mom and dad's house as they had it sooooo cold there with their thermostat and heat turned down. I said I liked it cold in a house but figured I would create STEAM if I peed in their toilet, which to me would mean it was way TOO chilly in the house! I glanced over at mom once and she was sitting in a recliner with her coat on pulled up to her ears saying "the only thing wrong with short hair is the fact that your ears get too cold". I kind of laughed and said I felt then the house was a bit too cold if you could do nothing but try to come up with new ways to stay warm while sitting around all the time. She went and got the space heaters out and we all huddled around it like the last campfire out in no man's land. I asked if she had any marshmallows, Hershey bars and graham crackers so we could roast them and make Smores by the glorious HEAT!!!!!!!!!! Their floor I do believe would be cold enough to freeze water in an ice cube tray (just kidding mom and dad).

BUT the unloading of the truck went well. AND FAST! Only about 1 1/2 hours to unload it all. I enjoyed the comments as they could not believe some of the stuff they pulled out of my truck. AND the quantity. They have all decided they will come to my house for a Christmas wrapping party as I have the most wrapping paper they have seen this side of Wal*Mart. I said sure come on! Amidst the moans and groans of "not more paper" to "you brought canned food??" to "I am starting to get depressed cause I still don't see the front of the truck" ....we all got the job done. AND it was not really that bad after all.

Then Gary and Alex had to leave....even though I was promising Pizzas for all.. They were cold, wet and tired. Becky and Margaret hauled my butt around and got me back to the Penske rental place and then to pick up the pizzas. Had the great visit at mom and dad's house and I finally got to try Melissa's chocolate cake. ALL yummy including the visit (minus frostbit ears and nose).

THEN Becky and Margaret stopped back at the locker to pick up more things I was going to bring to grandma's house for me and Noah. THEN they drove us back up here and helped bring it all in and after grandma about passed out with shock at seeing the stuff they helped me haul it all upstairs! SO again I cannot say enough about their help! Margaret is amazing as is Becky!

SO I took today off.....slept in a bit...was so nice. Grandma's house is so peaceful and quiet. Reminds me of when I was a little girl....the smells, sights and sounds. She has the room all fixed up so nice for me and Noah...and Noah is lovin sleeping in her antique sleigh bed all by himself!

Noah seems extremely happy. SO full of love for everyone and they are all enjoying it. Hugs and kisses to everyone involved and he is a joy. ALL such good home-cooked therapy for him! He has never had these social outlets before on a consistent basis so it is great.

I am still in my pajamas......some pumpkin spice coffee in hand....trying to get some things put away upstairs and make it look more organized.

Anyway........it is so great to be back online AND back home again.




I'm feeling: EXCITED!!

How the trip went

What can I say. Driving the 22 foot Penske truck was so much fun....including hauling the trailer! I had NO idea I was going to have an escort over half the way there.......that was a bit freaky but in reality also a nice feeling to know someone was covering my backside (so-to-speak). The mover/loaders came and were just what I wanted. TWO young energetic movin/loving men to run up and down the stairs with dollies loaded with my boxes. It only took them 1 1/2 hours to move it all onto the truck. They were excellent and fast! HAD I known however the end result of this move would have cost me the same to have someone else do the entire thing..I WOULD HAVE LET someone else do the entire thing!

Noah had a blast in the big Diesel truck. FUEL however was not cheap. To go 1200 miles I spent at least 400.00 for fuel alone. Another 1200.00 for the truck rental including all the extra insurance fees.....225.00 for the car carrier... and 227.00 for the 2 men movers/loaders. Anyway...it was an experience. Trying to "get away" from the source of problems was difficult as they chose to follow me! For at least the first 800 miles. Then I think they realized they would have to turn around and drive the entire way back....by themself....so it ended as abruptly and spontaneously as it all had started.

I unfortunately got into 2 predicaments where I had to back up the trailer even though Penske says NOT to do so. Thank goodness I was able to do so after all as once I had pulled into a lot at a motel that had no way around it......I said OUTLOUD...."I AM FUCKED NOW"....which of course is not how I would usually talk! haha. BUT........I was determined to get the crap out of the lot and back onto the interstate and keep driving so I made up my mind I WOULD back the thing up and get out of the lot and I DID.

A trip driving the truck. CLIMBING IN AND OUT of the truck another trip......so HIGH up there in the cab! HEE HEE. Anyway........we had great weather...hit rain then from Illinois on to Ohio.

Got to my storage locker place to rent a locker for my stuff. My sister Becky and Margaret came over to help me get my VUE off the trailer and the trailer off the back of the truck. EASY enough.....raining....all muddy, greasy and dirty black crap all over our hands and coats....but we did it. Decided to try to PUSH the trailer into my locker which had an opening of 104 inches and the trailer at the widest point was just over 102 inches, but we rolled it into the first part of the locker and then could not push the last 4 wheels up over the concrete lip into the locker. SO I got the Diesel back around and backed it up and re-hitched the trailer to the truck and I BACKED UP AGAIN and moved the trailer into the locker. IF ANYONE could have been filming it! I should have let Noah film it as it had to be hilarious...3 strong women trying to move this huge trailer that I believe said weighed over 4000 pounds empty....on a slight hill......at least I found out how incredibly strong we all were and that had amazingly stronger legs! hahaahah.. We were all practically doing the horizontal bop with the trailer in the lot.

Back to my grandma's the next day I opened the back of the truck and all my boxes and tubs had fallen down all over..some had anyway......what a mess. I was able to get my PC and a few things out that were not completely buried and upstairs here at my grandma's house...today they came back and installed my high speed internet.....

SEEN quite a few relatives already. Love staying here at grandma's. Always peaceful and quiet and a great way to rest and re-energize. I said I missed the rain and I have gotten plenty of that since driving back...3 States worth and then all last night. Was wonderful to be able to hear it raining and drift off. Noah also is so lovable to mom and grandma and his great uncle Sonny...anyone so far that has come into the house.

Tomorrow if I can MOVE my body I am to meet everyone over at the locker to unload. I am sure once they see the INSIDES of this truck they will all freak and go running as fast as they can! I HOPE to bribe them with a pizza party or something afterwards! Maybe telling my tale would be enough enticement to all to hang around. I have no idea. I am sure I could do an entire week on Oprah.

So unloading day tomorrow...cannot wait to dump the Penske and trailer and be done with that. WILL HIRE MOVERS more than likely any NEXT time I move. No matter even if across the street!

So.....without going into tons of detail...I guess that is a highlight. The trip went well. Noah did great. I arrived in one piece....a bit sore but am here. Some final things to tie up but...........I KNOW it will all get done and work out. It is nice to be in a place where I can let some stress go and get some rest!

We Made IT!!!!!!!

We made the drive across country.....got unloaded and are now settling into my grandmother's home.



Noah seems to be settling in very quickly here at grandma's house. He has been very loveable and full of hugs and kisses for everyone....so grandma is soaking it up as the last few times we had visited he did not want anyone to touch him.



He loves her antique sleigh bed which he again has picked as HIS bed....



So many things around her home that brings back incredible memories. I thought she had gotten rid of her old button basket we used to play with as kids but I came across it in the room upstairs where we are staying.



SO many paintings hanging in antique frames all over the house...almost reminds me of those you find in a museum!






She has fixed up a great area for me and Noah to set up our PCs and work areas



all in all it has been a fantastic way to come home once again......and feel calm and peace for a change. The house is so cozy and quiet. We are really enjoying ourselves.