To explain autism a bit better from an autistic's point of view

Happy 8th Birthday Noah!!

just something I slapped together after work this morning....I did not have time to go through and grab really old pictures of Noah so I just tried to use what was handy on my hard drive...

Happy Birthday Noah....I love you........I could not find a picture of you and your daddy.....I will have to do that next time round I guess!

mommy :X

Noah and I reading/singing from The First Day of Winter

Noah and I checked this book out from the library (The First Day of Winter by Denise Fleming)......but I may have to buy a copy. It is along the lines of the Twelve Days of Christmas but instead is about a snowman and what his friend brings/gives to him for the 10 days of Christmas. Rather than type in each lyric for each day I will go directly to the end of the song and you can look to see what each day is from there. The clip is of Noah and myself singing/reading the story/song....he was so excited during this clip he could not hold the camera still......

http://media.putfile.com/Noah-singing-First-Day-of-Winter-from-a-book


On the 10th day of winter my best friend gave to me:

10 salty peanuts
9 big black buttons
8 orange berries
7 maple leaves
6 tiny twigs
5 birdseed pockets (NOAH LOVED THIS PART)
4 prickly pinecones
3 striped scarves
2 bright blue mittens (I kept wanting to say muffins)
and a red cap with a gold snap (also a favorite line for Noah)

dream home and so much more

a few days ago I made this post on another blog of mine.......I was rambling and being silly about dream requests to Santa:

Dear Santa:

They say you do not get anything unless you ask for it......so I am going to ask:

1) I would like my rent to be paid for 1 year up front.
2) I would like my credit cards to be paid off in full.
3) I would like my car to be paid off.
4) I would like to have help in setting up an actual classroom for Noah with a work space to work on arts and crafts projects......music......etc. If this requires moving again.....obviously we would need help with that.
5) What would be ideal Santa......since I am sounding like a greedy needy thankless soul.........would be to have our own HOME somewhere.......completely paid for...........that is large enough to supply us with the rooms and space needed to live. For Noah to have an actual therapy room......classroom.........etc. DO you think it could be made to be mostly solar powered so as to save on any gas and electric bills? Do you think you could toss in an annual income for me doing something so I don't have to worry about trying to work and take care of my autistic son full time?

So.....after re-reading my post I had made days ago......about things I would like to have happen.......I get an email about this year's HGTV's DREAM HOME sweepstakes. I thought to myself......wow....wouldn't it be great if it were in Colorado....and it was a log home...MY DREAM HOME.........and I COULD WIN IT???

SO I clicked the link.........and guess what? IT IS in Colorado.......and IT IS a log home......and the house comes fully furnished....you also win a new GMC Acadia.......and 250,000.00 cash.......so much...

now I just have to win it! (of course now I think Noah would prefer living or staying in Ohio.....and I would miss my family--but I think my heart is in Colorado for some reason I cannot explain and NO it has nothing to do with my ex)...but .......Here is a link to check it out:

http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/dream_home_tour_2007/text/0,,HGTV_28177_55076,00.html

AND........this house has WOLF APPLIANCES!

this would definitely fit all my earlier requests and then some......amazing.......this house is beautiful and would very much be a dream

couple of Noah

me and noah at christmas 2006

Dear Noah:

I opened all your amazing homemade presents to me last night. I now have a nice stack of wonderfully drawn pictures of RR crossing signals. I told you I was going to start an album so I could preserve all these and be able to look at them all over and over again.

SO far you are doing much better this year with the camera....hopefully you realize that it is up to YOU to take good care of it so it will continue working.

I was looking at videoclips from my archives as recent as just ONE year ago......and WOW you have come a long way. I listened to audioclips and re-read some of my posts here......and it is amazing how much progress has been made over the year. I was not sure some of the clips would be there but they were and I hope and pray they remain....it is a wonderful record of you and your journey.

I deliberately went back to May of 2005 and June 2005 because that was right after you were OFFICIALLY formally diagnosed with autism and other things.....and I remember you were still undergoing some other tests like an EKG...etc. That was a nightmare! I also remember it was a very stressful time because that was when your daddy and I were having a lot of problems and he seemed to be setting you off constantly. There were many clips of the stress in our home from that time and it quickly reminded me of why I packed up and we left and came here. SO I know I did the right thing.....for the time.....etc...just sometimes wish it could be easier than it is now......though I know it will get better and easier as time goes on. It has to!

I love you.......very very much Noah!

mommy :X

Noah and his new RR crossing signal

Dear Noah:

Christmas Eve morning you came into my bedroom to wake me up you said "just long enough to wish you a Merry Christmas" which you did and then hugged and kissed me and left my room. SO sweet you are.

On Christmas morning you came running into my bedroom yelling "Mommy, mommy, you have to come see this.....Santa has been here....Santa has been here!"

You were soooooo excited! I have yet to take pictures of you with anything. You got a new digital camera you wanted to record movies too......a new PC game called Train Simulator and a RR crossing signal which you wanted but did not expect Santa to get for you! ONCE that camera hit your hot little hands that is where it stayed ALL DAY LONG! You were so happy and tonight you came in and said to me "I love Santa!" and you told me how happy you were and how much you loved all the things you got for Christmas. Of course right now everything is taking a back seat to the Santa Stash....but that is okay........and you can open all your other presents whenever you feel ready for it. I told you that you could make it last as long as you wanted!

Today we went to grandma and grandpa Lincoln's for Christmas dinner and opening presents. You enjoyed yourself all the while filming everything and taking pictures. You only got a bit overexcited 2-3 times. The rest of the time you did pretty well. Here are a couple of pics of you with your cousin Audrey and grandpa Lincoln.

Dear Noah:

Tonight we watched Polar Express again. We both absolutely LOVE that movie. You always want to dance when the song "Christmas Comes to Town" is sung.......you are too sweet!

You keep telling me you want to MAKE me SOMETHING SPECIAL for Christmas....now you say you will wait and do it on Christmas Eve day...and wrap it and place it in my stocking so I will have something to open with you either that night or the next morning.

Christmas this year seems a bit off...not sure why. Maybe the events of the year are catching up to me.....I am thankful to have you in my life however to keep me seeing it all through a child's eyes and heart.

I love you Noah.....

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

I love you. Sometimes being the ONLY parent here taking care of you is a bit scary......though I try to NOT feed into any sense of fear or apprehension ever! BUT it can be difficult. Even though we get child support and you some SSI money now.......I still am pretty much stuck working part-time or just a hair over it. IF I do go over that..... you would lose any SSI benefits.......since it is income-based.....and I don't know if I could work enough to recoup the monthly check you get which is not much trust me!

I AM SO THANKFUL to have a job and be able to stay at home and work solely from home...but there are no HOURLY wages involved here....no salary in addition to my line counts I get paid when I type. It is strictly all piecework basically.....which means I would have to type my fingers off to make any headway! THIS is all fine and dandy but then it cuts into time taking care of you....or homeschooling you......just being there in the day for you. I am the only one here to watch you......do those things....etc. It would make no difference if you went to school somewhere else which is not an option anyway.

I just checked my bank account today. I have been able to stay ahead for a long time and I am not going to give into fears about money......I totally understand you have to have GOOD feelings and thoughts associated with money at all times. BUT.......I so do NOT want to go back living paycheck to paycheck and if I am not careful we will be there in a month. We are just about there now! THAT is very scary.........because of all the what ifs! I have many bills to pay and currently more money is going out than coming in. I could try increasing my work load.....but like I said above...if I make too much money you lose SSI. I can make a little more and you would still get some......but it might be decreased. This is sort of a catch 22. If I go all out and basically work all the time.......where does that leave you? Where do I find time to homeschool you and work with you and things like that?

I have to try to figure out a way to do it all. I have already changed my schedule to work midnight to 4:00 a.m. for my guaranteed MINIMUM 4 hours......I am required to do that at least everyday. I then try to start work again later around 10:00 p.m. to midnight to add on to the day's total...so that would be 6 hours......I SHOULD be able to do that. I wonder if there is any way I can magically learn to type even faster to do more lines in the same amount of time? My goal is to work full time line counts in part-time hours....I figured I could do this in 6 hours. Well...there is no way...not with all the variables involved....different docs dictating....messing up reports.......having to look up information.......whenever things do not flow freely it affects my output. SO I can almost always do the minimum line counts per hour they require......but that would not have me at full time line counts in 6 hour days.

Sometimes like this I wish I had someone to come in and save my butt. Sharing bills with someone else was a lot easier than trying to foot all these by myself on part-time income. It is a blessing we have made it this far if you think about it!

I can only hope and pray....that I somehow get a ton back on income tax. THAT would certainly help. If there was a magic fairy out there to pay our rent for a year......or even 6 months.....that would help. ANYthing like that would help......oh where is Oprah during this time to magically pay off all your bills and buy you a home and move you, etc.? I cannot even imagine ever receiving anything close to that as I have always had to work and work very hard to get what I have or we have. This makes me feel good....but lately just more tired than anything.

I don't always feel like the best mother to you because I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep per night working the way I do. I feel like I slack off in so many areas that I do not want to...because I HAVE to work..........to pay the bills.......etc. It is all falling on my shoulders....which is fine.........it is all just overwhelming.

ANYway......I did not mean to rain on your parade. I love you a ton! I got a little box in the mail from work......a Christmas thank you of some sort. I was telling someone I was going to save it to open on Christmas day with you....and you told me "Mommy I am going to make you a present for Christmas so you will have something to open!" ...."It will be beautiful!"

that seems to be your favorite word lately.......beautiful! and that is how I would describe you always..........beautiful..........because you are.

I love you..let's keep grandma Lincoln in our prayers today as she undergoes breast cancer surgery again..........let's hope and pray it has not spread.

oh to be younger again and have someone else take care of me.......and not have a care in the world.......that is what I want to give to you always............

i love you.......the MOST!

mommy :X

clip of bubble lights and noah making sounds in background

what you hear in the background is Noah making sounds

our christmas tree

we finally completed out tree....and I think this will be the FIRST camera I have ever had that may just take a decent picture of the tree! Seemed it took a long time to decorate as we only worked on it whenever I had time....so it was off and on for over a week......I did put a lot of BUBBLE lights on the tree this year......I love those things.....reminds me of when I was a kid......I have not played around with it too much yet to get the best pictures or anything....here is what I have so far....

Dear Noah:

I have been extremely tired lately. With all the stress we normally just have in our lives...me trying to work again at night while you sleep......me getting little sleep then because of this.....the holidays and all the business associated with that.........Grandma L. dealing with breast cancer again.........on and on......

I woke up today feeling very tired for some reason......well duh.....I guess I just explained it all above.

Anyway........I was short-tempered. Yeah....grumpy. I have had a really bad attitude in general lately about a lot of things. SO.........it did not take but the simplest thing to set me off today........which happened to be struggling to make your bed...........the fact that you again were not yet dressed....or brushed your teeth.....still have those loose teeth in your mouth......and it snowballed from there. I yelled which I try to never do around you...because you do not respond well to it (does anyone?).......I do not want to be treated the way my dad used to treat or act around us kids when I grew up.....I never want you to feel afraid around me or apprehensive or sad.......etc. BUT I raised my voice.......you cried......I felt like a total jerk. I did not really yell at you....I was just yelling.

We finally got it all out of our system......I apologized immediately and you said you were sorry....I told you it was nothing you did...it was me. I was tired...not happy with myself......not happy that I continue to find a difficult time finding adequate time to do all the things we need to do and more free time to spend with you on school and play time...etc. Seems no matter what I do there is never enough time and I am exhausted more than not.

I asked you to forgive me and you to forgive you......

later.......at the kitchen table......I went to take a sip of coffee from my coffee cup and you Kool-Aid and you wanted to toast. I said "to a good life...a happy full life.......free of anger and sadness and grumpiness.......filled with love......" and you said "and FORGIVENESS"......"because forgiveness is very important!"

you are incredible....such a deep thoughtful thinker.

We shared looking at the paper and you saw a birth announcement for a little girl and you said "oh....isn't she just beautiful?"......too cute.

then you heard a song on the television....and said "ssssssshhh....listen.....isn't that a beautiful song?" "isn't that just beautiful?"

and tonight......you had taken some pictures of RR crossings.....and said to me......"isn't that just beautiful?"

you know what Noah......YOU are beautiful...........heck with everything else......at least I am doing something right with you.

i love you more than you can possibly imagine or know.........

mommy :X

Noah and RR crossing signals and trains

Noah is into railroad crossing signals and bells and gates and warnings, etc. REALLY big right now again. I mean he can sit for hours....checking out websites with nothing but RR crossing signals....how they work.....how they are made...study the history of them....knows ALL about them....he even enjoys all the sounds of the warnings going off at the gates....and plays them so loudly it sounds like I have a train coming through the bedroom!

Today I decided to take him around town to see some of the railroad crossings around here and take his picture with some. He said to me "wow...this is the first time I have ever stood on a railroad tie mommy.....and the first time I have ever stood on a ballister......." he was SOOOO excited and happy standing right beside the crossing signals......he had no idea they were so large! He was in heaven....albeit briefly....

Here are a few pics.....the one with the freaky white things I thought was interesting.....here it was MY HAIR blowing in front of the camera when it went off!









ghosts????



no...my hair was blowing in front of the lens when it went off.....at least I THINK that is what this is!

Dear Noah:

SO grandma C. fell and hurt herself so we decided to go and take her trash out for her today. We got there late afternoon.......had already had supper......you could tell she did not feel great. My mom or your grandma L. had told me she and your aunt Becky were going to come up to see grandma C. later as well......bringing a cheese pizza and chips for their supper.

You wanted SOLE time alone with grandma to visit.....while I got the trash ready...etc...you were in heaven as you had her all to yourself.......talking away about your new railroad crossing signals and signs and bells we had made the night before out of foam sheeting.....which you had taken to her house to show her......you were really enjoying it all. THEN I came in from outside as I was done with the trash....you informed me to sit down but NOT to talk to grandma (as you were not finished with her yet). SO I did...but grandma C. got a phone call. This was with a lady who did not easily hang up.....so grandma C. got swept up into a phone call for over 35 minutes and this took your quiet/alone time away from you .........which I knew was going to be bad......because I knew your other grandma and aunt were coming soon and then they would be there to visit and talk and that would only upset you further if you did not get it out of your system prior to that time.

I should take you up and let you spend some time at granda C.'s house....just alone with her....you can talk all you want.

SO anyway.......grandma C. was taking forever to get off the phone. You finally said "just give up on trying to talk to grandma mommy."......and we talked. Finally she got off the phone......but at the same time here came your other grandma and aunt.......and you started crying....realizing you still were not going to get a chance to talk to grandma C. You started crying and saying you did not want to see anyone...NO ONE ELSE....everyone had to stay out of the room so you could be with grandma alone......auntie came down one hall to the room and grandma L. the other way.......you were trying to run to get OUT of the room.......you did not want them seeing you or you seeing them....but with one on either hall you were trapped......and you panicked and let out the loudest scream/shriek.......I am sure the neighbors heard you. ON AND ON......crying with the scream/shriek.......grandma C. asked what was wrong with you.....Auntie Becky said "oh he is just not getting his way."

Now this sort of upset me......but I let it slide. After all it is not really because you are not getting your own way like some spoiled brat.........you are autistic and have problems understanding SOCIAL situations let alone the concept of "you have to share visit times with other visitors if you are not the only one there!" You do not realize your behavior was not acceptable at someone else's house or even our house. You still have trouble communicating your being upset QUICKLY to someone else......so you still sometimes SCREAM AND CRY VERY LOUDLY!!!!! You also physically cannot have some people LOOK at you......as it seems to be painful to you sometimes. This upsets you tremendously. You also cannot look people very much in the eyes I have noticed......this has been increasing lately......I don't understand why when you tell family or friends things that upset you...or could set you off......even teachers...they sometimes just seem to ignore that and think you should be able to handle any teasing like other kids would.......etc......trust me...this does NOT work with you.....because you are not able to handle things like that as other kids might.

It is a PROCESS to get you to ever calm down to try to understand what is happening and why and that it is all OKAY.......you said to me "mommy...I wish I had my calm down book!" and I told you I was going to bring it but did not because I did not think you would need it. I guess I was wrong and I guess it will become a standard item again when we pack up to take things on mini trips. I told you that you did not actually have to have the book to WORK through the calming down process.......as you knew what the book said.....what to do......so we began the process.

Grandmas and auntie went to the kitchen to eat and visit. We stayed behind in the living room working through it.......stopping.......remembering to breathe.......remembering to count and take deep breaths and then BLOW OUT all the anger and frustration. On and on slowly.....we did this...finally calming you down.........where you could start thinking more rationally again......reasoning......I finally coaxed you out to visit with the rest at the kitchen table.......you had a snack and showed everyone your RR crossing signals we had made.......tape recording the conversation the entire time......playing it back.......re-recording......playing it back........learning to take turns TALKING during the visit. Learning it is OKAY for others to talk to grandma C. even if you also are there to visit. Things like that. You ended up doing much better.

I noticed auntie during all this just sort of rolling her eyes a few times......I think part in disbelief of your behavior......and also in part like "oh no.....here we go again" because the last time you were around all of them you cried and cried and whined and moaned about every little thing. I have seen this same facial reaction in your grandpa L. I know he cannot handle you.....and I think some others just can't. Grandma C. caught on really quick and knows to just do things naturally to make you happy for a moment......and you will then come around pretty quickly...I don't think your auntie still understands just BEING around even family members sometimes just bothers you.......in fact...today was the FIRST day in a long time......over a week......where I finally was able to get you even OUT of the house.....even dressed........as you had not been wanting to SEE ANYONE else....let alone have them see you. I had stretched our pantry to the limit for you for food......because with you being so picky and specific about certain foods to eat......we were running out of things for you....but you stretched it to the limit because you did not even want to have to get dressed to go to the store!

I think sometimes everyone around us still thinks you are just behaving like a spoiled brat.... doing some things on purpose...and if I swatted you or something you would straighten up. It is not about that.......you are sooooooo sensitive to little issues we all take for granted. TOO many coming into the room before you are prepared can be too much for you to handle. You have REAL physiological reactions to things......they are real........not things you make up. They are painful......OF course sometimes it seems too much to ask of family to try to keep making the little compensations or changes needed in order to keep you on an even keel..........I do it like it is second nature........most don't want to be bothered or inconvenienced and I think in part they probably think if you cannot behave and handle things then you should just go home. They just don't want to have to deal with it all.

Well this is our life....we live it every day....some days are better than others......some are great.......some are really bad for you.......I have learned to not rock the boat.........to keep it going on down the river smoothly......avoiding all the obstacles that could knock it around......put holes in it.......capsize it or make it sink. BUT............you also "have" to be around and put into situations......like tonight....so we can do exactly what we did.....which was to work through it and focus on how you SHOULD REACT when things happen in your environment that do not please you. ACCEPTABLE things.....

And as usual.......this meltdown moment took it all out of you. You were yawning and acting like a zombie before we left.

I then realized we had captured all this on tape.....and I was going to post the SOUNDS of you here tonight........but unfortunately I did not remember all this till after you had already retrieved the camera/tape and erased it.....because you did not want to hear yourself screaming and crying again you said.

SO.......because of that statement I KNOW you are realizing your behavior was not appropriate...which is HUGE.......because it is one of the first steps in learning how to correct that.

SO......it was a tiring night...I need to take you to see grandma C. alone.........for a nice visit. Maybe I can take a nap while you visit with her one day.

You got to bed very late again tonight which also does not help. YOU MUST have at least 10 hours of sleep to function and do your best in the daytime.

okay......now at midnight I have to get ready to work. We had to stop at the store to pick up groceries as it was one time I KNEW I could because you were already OUT! I am getting a late start......I am exhausted.....physically and mentally....emotionally......drained......but now I need to try to make some money so we can continue to pay our bills......

i love you........even despite all the frustration and problems.

mommy :XXXXXXX

Dear Noah:

you can be absolutely hilarious. Tonight before bedtime we read a Blues Clues book about feeling "frustrated."

Once done you turned to me and said "mommy......I am feeling frustated." When I asked why you said "I am feeling frustrated because I have this booger way up in my nose and I can't get it out!"

(it was so difficult not to bust out laughing).......then you said "oh,...I got it!" and promptly placed it in your mouth to eat it!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

i love you anyway..........

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

well you are so cute. You picked up a soft stuffed puppy at K-mart the other night when we were doing some shopping. SO cute.......cuddly.

He is in your bed now. I asked you what you named him. You said "well....I think I will name him a country....I think I will call him Russia!"

then you turned over to go to sleep and said "goodnight Russia."

got to love you more and more.

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

You are a bit funny sometimes......I was putting a white scar over my head to go run errands with you the other day because it was so cold outside and you looked up at me and yelled out "YOU LOOK LIKE THE MOTHER!" "ARE you going to have a baby?" Of course once again he was referring to the Virgin Mary.....he has thought I looked like her every time I wear a scarf on my head......"except she usually has on a blue scarf and white dress" he told me.

You have still been picking your nose till it bleeds.....you say you WANT to taste and eat the blood. I asked you if you were only after boogers.....you said yeah......no......"I want bloody boogers!!" I about gagged. I am making sure to give you a multivitamin with iron every day!

You have also taken on going shirtless.......you.....someone who would never dream of going without a good dry shirt on.....have discovered what it feels like to go shirtless.........feeling the warm, soft flannel sheets against your body.......you keep telling me you are too hot in the house with a shirt on. I am usually hot all the time. We only keep our house at 66 degrees now......and today since it was only like 14 degrees outside I was even still a bit chilly inside. Here you were strutting around shirtless......no socks or shoes either......just pajama bottoms on. You felt just comfortable.....no goosebumps or such. However...you do not always realize a SHIRT is required when it is cold outside.....even under your coat. You wanted to go outside today to hear the monthly emergency alarm test WITHOUT your shirt or shoes on. The neighbors are likely to turn my butt in if they ever saw that! So we will have to work on that one. So far the rule is you can go shirtless at home..........and inside someone else's house if you are extremely hot....otherwise you have to keep it on!~

I have extra work to do tonight which is cutting in on our Christmas decorating time and other time together. I do not like this but there is no way around it. I wish I had someone to play with you during this time as it bothers me I have so much to do and cannot always just be with you like I think I should. I did get your train set out today for you to play with.......and we did play that together.......

I made some stew today......was good. Course you had your separate meal. You still pretty much always require a specially cooked meal in order to eat. I am used to it.

I just took a loaf of blueberry bread out of the oven......mmmmmmmmmm.

back to work for me. I love you Noah....wish those teeth would come out....but I am going to have to make an appointment.........

love you ,

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

Today is turning very very cold! That big cold front and rain/snow is headed our way. This morning we got lots of HIGH winds....and some rain......sleet......no big snowfall yet. I did manage to get you to the store.......to pick up some supplies...so that is good.

However...I forgot how easily you can sometimes lose it emotionally when things in the environment are different. The high winds worried you.....you started crying and saying you were worried the neighbor's trashcans would be all over the main roads. THIS upset you greatly.

Then you got upset because you were worried it would be SLICK on the roads because of sleet. I had said to you earlier you had waited too long and we would not be able to go out because it was sleeting. You came to me crying and asked if you had once more chance.....I felt so bad. I did not realize you had taken to heart what I had said.......I told you of course we were still going to go to the store because we had to get some food for you...etc....and it was not that slick yet and it had stopped sleeting. We had to go regardless.

Then you cried and came to me again worried about "hurricane" winds......

Then we saw the hawk return in the backyard and you asked me "do hawks rule the world now?"

i love you........I have to remind myself how you actually interpret things sometimes.

mommy :X

Noah playing with his trains

Dear Noah:

You are getting into homeschooling now that we picked it up again after the holidays. You are soaking things up like a GIANT sponge and cannot seem to get enough! I am happy...love teaching you and working with you......hope we can accomplish a lot!

i love you

last night you could not fall asleep. You wanted to sleep in my bed. I of course said no......as I had to work and we worked so hard to get you to finally sleep in your own bed. You then asked for "COMPANY" in your bed. "REAL" company. I said you had all your buddies in bed with you....but you said "yes but they are not real!" "I want you to come sleep with me....at 3:30 when you are done working you need to come into my bed and sleep with me."

I told you when I got done working at 3:30 or 4:00 a.m. I would check on you..........but to go to sleep. THANKFULLY you rolled over and fell asleep.

I feel sad for you during nights like that. Course there is also no REAL company in my bed either! hahahaah...and if I go back to allowing you to sleep with me in my bed.......I think we would never make a cut off age.......and you would think it okay to still be sleeping with me at 12 or something. Course then again maybe you would not want to....

There is something to say for the comfort one feels and security when having someone share their bed to sleep together. SO I understand how you feel. I just wish I could make you feel better in your own bed by yourself. FOR the most part you actually do very well......and probably did much better at adapting than I did.

I will miss snuggling up beside you forever. That is why I wrote this poem about it a long time ago......

Lying Here Beside You

Lying here beside you, listening to your breathing
Watching as you snuggle close, wondering what you're dreaming
Treasuring every second in time, the clock has ticked away
Now I find I'm looking back and wishing we could stay
In this special moment, forever two as one
In this special bond, between a mother and her son

Wondering where the time has went and admiring how you've grown
Wondering if my memories will fill me up till I have known
A thousand lifetimes on this earth all filled with memories of you
A thousand moments caught in time all thoughts of me with you

Will I be able to recall sounds of your laughter and your tears
your joys and your sorrows, your dreams and your fears
Will I be able to see your face in my feeble senseless mind
I can only pray for this, but time will tell if it is kind

So meanwhile I savor every moment, every second I have with you
Every breath that we take together, every moment, just us two.

Melinda A. Napoletano

Copyright ©2006 Melinda A. Napoletano

i will love you forever noah

mommy :X

Noah and RR crossings

One of Noah's many RR crossing drawings on his Doodle pad....he comes up with UNconventional ways to make RR crossings!

this pic was taken with the new camera though....I think I like it a lot! nice colors and clear! very good.....can even get very very close!

Dear Noah:

here is a pic of you with the new camera. Wow....I wish I could snap my fingers and make the old baby front teeth come out and the new permanent front teeth fall down into place where they should be!

I DO HOPE and pray this takes care of itself soon......but I have been saying that now since summertime. I think it is time to take you to the dentist.

what crap that will likely be

Noah's Progress

"At first I was excited, then happy, then I felt proud, and then I went back to normal, and in the end I was sad."

This is HUGE for Noah.....as it took me nearly 2 years for him to LEARN emotions and what they mean and how they LOOK on someone's face etc. He had no clue what HAPPY or SAD meant let alone how they looked...it took at least 2 years of prompting and looking at lots of emotion pictures and using them before he caught on and he still occasionally misreads things.

BUT to then take those and COMMUNICATE to me how he feels about something is taking things a step further. FINALLY at almost 8 years old he is able to do it and he does it pretty well.....though sometimes he still wants to act out instead of using his words to express how he feels about something. I have noticed more lately he will express instead how he feels with his words...which is HUGE progress for him.

I found what he said about how he felt at the end of Thanksgiving Day was pretty amazing coming from him. I had asked him what he thought about our party that day and having everyone over...etc. I guess it ended with him feeling sad because everyone had to go home and he would have preferred they all stayed.

Anyway......just wanted to share that :sledding: (I love this kid sledding)

Dear Noah:

well......we may be doing a Christmas tree trimming party.......lots to think about

Dear Noah:

Well lots of hand flapping and body slamming later we have officially made it through our big Thanksgiving bash!

more later

love you

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

HAPPY TURKEY DAY! I LOVE YOU!

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

So we are getting things ready for the big Thanksgiving Day bash we are holding here as mommy is cooking dinner this year for our family.

Should be exciting......

i love you

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

well 2 days ago you lost it. We were talking....well YOU were talking to me about wanting to go to Fazoli's for supper....this was Friday night and I said no......but you had been trying to explain something about driving there...I did not understand what you were saying. You got very upset very very quickly.......and all of a sudden lunged at me......growling with mouth open and hands raised......like you were going to try biting me on the forehead or nose. THE ONLY thing that stopped you from that moment of over-the-top rage and frustration was the fact that I reached up and grabbed your upper arms and held you away from me. Otherwise I think before you would have even realized what you had done you would have bit me. I was stunned......we went over this and over this........and you do not understand why you react that way sometimes....you just do.

I told you that you HAD to learn GOOD behavior and what was acceptable......or else you would get into some real trouble in life......and if things ever got to where I could not control you.....I would not know what might happen. I know the older you get this is an area of concern for me. That is why I am pushing for you to learn more socially acceptable skills now while young.

YOU normally do very well with calming down and not getting to that point like you did Friday night......but something in you snapped. This is a bit scary.

Anyway......since then....you do try to explain how your mind works which I find fascinating. Like when I tell you to do something or ask you WHY you do something....you will say "because my mind can't think about that ...it is too busy thinking about traffic lights" (which is your current big obsession). This does make sense because I have had adult autistics explain it that way......there is just too much going on in your brain to allow you to listen to me really well sometimes.

Sometimes I can tell you to go get something and you are so OUT OF TUNE with paying attention to the CURRENT moment and me......you go off like in a fog...wandering around aimlessly.....till I have to really talk firmly and give you step-by-step directions.

Anyway..........I try to set a good example for you by also not losing my temper or getting too mad in front of you. I have been able to count on one hand that number to date. However......I did lose my temper the other night....which I always feel horrible about..........so it bothers me immensely that the number of times I could count might possibly have to branch out to a second hand.

SO we will work through this together. You remind me to calm down and I remind you. You said we BOTH needed a calm down book. You could be right.

i love you

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

Well we went to the Lighted Horse Parade. I was a bit disappointed but you seemed to enjoy it. A couple of boys came over to where you stood and they seemed to really get into you. You all 3 had a good time. They were nice kids. One thing about a small town....most everyone is very very nice and friendly.

We came home and made rolled out gingerbread cookies......it is now time for bed.

More later

i love you

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

I had a big oversized adorable Teddy bear I put on my bed the other night. When you came in to wake me up (yes role reversal now on this new schedule I keep) you said the cutest thing...you said "oh I see you had a little company last night!" hahahah...you always said that to me.....when you did not want to sleep alone......"I want a little company"...and when I said you had your stuffed bears and doll or whatever.....you would cry back "but they are not real".

Last night you decided to take BIG TEDDY off my bed and into your room......as you carried him out into your room you said "ahhhhhh......more to love"............and you smiled.

see.....you understand life's greatest treasure already.........

love

:X

Dear Noah:

our life is coming along nicely. We are settling in......your room is really coming together......and you are already lovin it more.

Life is good......it is what you make it.......you may as well enjoy it!

i love you and will forever

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

we are going to try to finish your room today. Hopefully we can!

love you lots!

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

Well......we have been working on your room today. I decided it was high time to get you more settled into your room where you could get your toys out more easily.....your books.....etc. I decided to put the 5 foot table I got from K-mart into your room rather than the office for now. I will get another one for the office area. YOU need your room done. This offers you more space for your computer and a work area too.....I got 2 sets of shelves up in there and we are putting your books away. It is looking good. Your piano is now on it's stand and can be left out all the time so you can play it anytime you want. You are already feeling more comfy in there and I am thankful we will have it done likely tomorrow or the next day.

I am going to finish putting some things away tonight......and clean up. I will finish getting the rest of your books and stuff out tomorrow. AND deciding for sure where everything will go. We are at least making your room functional which is a MUST....and long overdue. I am also working in the office/arts/craft room.......going to finish setting that up. I am happy finally because things are taking shape! IT is about time. I wanted to get this done for a long time....but definitely before this weekend......most of it....and the rest BEFORE Thanksgiving comes around.

I know now we will meet our goal so that is good news. Not sure about curtains and new bedding but it will be very very presentable and more comfy for you to be in.

Okay....back to it.

love you lots.....

mommy :XXX

Dear Noah:

Saturday night is the Lighted Holiday Horse Parade......sounds like it will be a blast...we are going......your cousin Audrey and a couple of aunties might also be there...should be fun. Hope we can get a great place to sit......and I can take some sort of pictures. Unfortunately my camera that I did have to take movies too are now broken....sigh.

anyway.......you said you did not want to see Santa who is coming in the parade.....because "I am not done with my Christmas list yet!"

okay then.

love you

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

hey there...I think one of my posts for a day or two is missing...not sure how that happened....but I have been posting every day.

Oh well....no matter.

Grandma C. just stopped by.....she was in town. We are going to go to her house for supper. You are MORE than excited as we have not been out for a long time since I have been sick.

Love you lots!

MOMMY :x

Dear Noah:

Lately if you get upset about something you grab your doodle pad......stomp off to your room and write me a MESSAGE about whatever it is upseting you and you use lots and lots of EXCLAMATION points to make your exasperation known! hahaha....you do a great job....and this calms you down in the process.......you have to take time to leave the room.......write.......breathe.....shove the doodlepad in my face.......make a face at me......and I can respond back on the doodlepad. BY the time we are done sending messages...no one has yelled or screamed.......and we usually.....meaning mostly you...cope and handle things prett well and are more easily ready to bend.

YEAH for your progress Noah.

I love you

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

You are so cute. We were grocery shopping the other day......2 little ladies walked beside us....down the aisle...you LOUDLY said "look mommy......they are cute....those are LITTLE people"...."one is a grandma and one is just a mommy" (in case anyone does not know....there is a show on cable called Little People or something like that which is about LITTLE people...dwarves.....and their lives....Noah is fascinated with it)

Tonight the Wizard of Oz is on.......the twister scene just took place...Noah was all excited as he loves tornadoes! He was talking about how he had never heard of a town called MUNCHKINLAND......and how the tornado picked Dorothy's house but did not kill her....and then he looked at me and said "thank God the tornado did not kill her but it only moved her and her house far far away." ( I thought to myself yeah or there would not have been a movie!)

I chuckled to hear you. Your speaking is getting so much better all the time.........and.......your PROPER English too....and how you come up with all these cut sentences and phrases....out of YOUR MIND as you say.

i love your mind........i love you

mommy :X

some additional links

ALSO ....don't forget...your local public home school will be able to provide you with a list of what subjects your child should be learning dependent on their age and grade. They sometimes also offer free online helps and aids for homeschooling parents to use as resources. I take advantage of those!

For occupational needs and sensory integration needs you can do from home here are a couple of additional links:

http://www.angelfire.com/tx5/autism/sensoryintegration.html

http://www.autismweb.com/sensory.htm


http://www.autism.org/adviceforparents.html

and therapy tools:

http://www.sensoryedge.com/thbaandeq.html?gclid=CKrC8o3OuogCFTaPJAodLU5teQ

Homeschool helps

I was asked by a blogger friend for some helpful links and suggestions on homeschooling our kids....so then I thought perhaps others out there may be able to find some of my links and information helpful so I thought I would share.......

First off.......in order to be successful in homeschooling I think you have to learn to DE-school as you probably already know. Forget that you always have to have a textbook to teach by...cause in reality you just do not have to.

Noah was not always verbal. In fact he did not really talk at all till about 4 years of age and then it was brief ...1-2 words at a time....and most could not even understand him then. He has made HUGE strides.......he did take some speech therapy but even you can do that at home yourself. For Noah we also checked out some books and videotapes from the local library on SIGN LANGUAGE....and the ones geared for kids..........and he quite easily along with us picked up basic signs for basic communication which helped him tremendously! Here are some helpful links for speech therapy aids and communication aids:

http://www.speakingofspeech.com/homepage.html

http://home.comcast.net/~speechguide/sample.html

http://www.slpwebsites.com/

http://autism.healingthresholds.com/therapy

http://www.deafhomeschool.com/ (yes this site has wonderful speech communication tools)


MOST autistics are very visual.......

We also used PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) or basically little PICTURES of different things or activities or emotions....that you can laminate and put velcro on the backside to make STORY LINES or social stories....or even so the child can go grab ONE picture of let's say "I'm hungry" and bring it to you to show you they are hungry. These can be as detailed or simple as you choose.....you can make your own up or there are sites offering them. Some sites you have to pay...I used www.do2learn.com for most of my PECS till I at least got the hang of the system and then you can pretty much do your own. They explain it pretty well on their site.

I too had hard times with Noah trying school....and he too could not always tell me what happened there.....and he had issues with being HURT or things happening to him it appeared to us anyway.....during school time. I was not happy about that and to be honest I am thankful I yanked him from public school BUT using PICTURES helped him show us what was happening....and he could express himself finally in a way everyone could understand. All he had to do was grab a card with a picture and/or several and make a sentence to communicate with us.

Your local library can have many books you can use for teaching things. I also found some wonderful resources online......and even some FREE ONLINE school stuff that your child (if computer savy) can really have a good time with and learn at the same time! The most recent website for online learning for many grades is at www.iknowthat.com Again it is free but you can also pay for a membership and receive even MORE things.

Also another good one is www.edhelper.com where you can pay a small fee and have TONS of worksheets and teaching tools at your fingertips! They are really good too.

For more free lesson plans including for art and music and such these sites are good:

http://www.lessontutor.com/index.html

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/

http://www.internet4classrooms.com/k12links.htm

http://www.easyfunschool.com/page1056.html

http://www.donnayoung.org/

http://www.thehomeschoolmom.com/schoolroom/unitstudiese.php

http://www.home2school.com/member/login.asp?

http://www.multiplication.com/index.htm

http://teachersmentor.com/k3links/science.html

http://www.dltk-kids.com/

http://www.canteach.ca/index.html

http://www.manythings.org/

http://www.sciencemadesimple.com/

http://www.songsforteaching.com/transitions.htm

http://www.songs4teachers.com/

http://www.voanews.com/specialenglish/english_word_games.cfm

http://www.crayola.com/registration/register.cfm?referer=/educators/lessons/display.cfm?id=444


for kid homework helps this is a good link:

http://www.zen.org/~brendan/kids-homework.html



I also found some wonderful teaching tools at local school supply places or even online such as www.banksschoolsupply.com

AND some at Target...they have cool BIG LEARNING BOOKS with CDs inside that your child and you can work through......they are usually sold by GRADE and include all the basic stuff that grade should be learning. Noah loved these and at only 15.00 per book/CD they were good.

I also just incorporated things into Noah's learning that I wanted him to learn too....or things that interested him. If he was into trains for example we would do extra stories and learning or math all based on a TRAIN theme.

ALSO.......USE THOSE ELECTRONIC learning toys out there...they are GREAT for kids. Noah still uses them. He has used his Leap Pad for lots of learning....especially now that they also sell GRADE LEVEL reading, math, science, social studies, geography, human body, all sorts of subjects. He loves it and he is also PLAYING he thinks so he has a great time but it counts as school and he is learning!

Homeschooling I also let Noah just wing it sometimes. Most times. If he gets tired we don't push things. He will pick things up just in everyday life. Those skills are important too...they are some of the BEST social skills he will ever get! SO even that counts towards school and is usually something they will not be receiving in regular school unless it is written into an IEP plan or something.....and it is so needed. Making and using puppets to act out social stories you come up with also were huge hits. Such as "stranger danger"...."fire safety"......"good manners on the playground"..etc. You can make puppets and then act out scenarios with the child of what NOT to do and then WHAT TO do.......until they "get it!".

It is really so much fun teaching Noah! I wish I had a separate WHOLE room to use as a classroom but even incorporating it into his bedroom or my office area has worked. Even just the kitchen table!

You can also get craft books from the local library for seasons and work on THEME items based on the time of year. Sometimes they even incorporate a story to learn something....for example you might have an apple project and then they also teach you about Johnny Appleseed.

I also found some MUSICAL CDs with learning things on it. Music and song and MOVEMENT are key with Noah. He loves it and it works! I put some song/music links above....those are always great ways to just have fun...move.....take a break.....and work on phonics and communication all at the same time!

I am sure this sounds a bit overwhelming but it does not have to be. In fact.....we no longer go by a SET time to start or even end school. We do it when we want......little bits at a time......I make sure to get the things in there we need to....and it is fine.

OH...and don't forget....your local library has MANY teaching videos now......which are great! AND if your child is not yet very verbal.....DO TRY those Baby Bumblebee videos which basically is just a video made up of kids doing different things and filming of different things and then someone SAYING the word and SHOWING the word on the screen in front of that object. THIS was a GREAT way Noah learned to talk..........I think you can even buy them....but our local library had them....so we would check them out for free. AND they have other learning videos....things on math.....science.......all geared again for kids and FUN!

And take advantage of your local museums, zoos, and even the grocery store for field trips and learning. I believe in teaching your child basic life skills along with required curriculum...so they will be better prepared to be on their own one day. With special needs children this is an even greater requirement that we as parents need to meet.....because they will have an even harder time making it one day in the world. A good head start is great! This can be as simple as having them help you with cooking....which by the way is also a great way to teach them different forms of measurement and fractions. Or having them open a bank account and learning to keep track of money...the value of money....working to save money for something special. They can also help sort laundry and load laundry into the washers and dryer. ANYthing that is part of activities of daily living you can incorporate also into your school day.

Same for basic hygiene skills. I have found making a visual chart works best for Noah.....with a list of things he has to do every day. He can then take stickers and mark off things as he has successfully completed them and he can earn rewards.

I also use rewards in the classroom setting.....but not as much as I used to. I have a glass milk bottle....that we drop old CRAYONs down into whenever Noah has successfully listened for the day. Once the jar is full....he gets to pick a prize from the treasure chest. This is nothing huge...just a plastic container from the dollar store filled with crepe paper wrapped dollar store items. Make the goal ATTAINABLE and the crayon jar or marble jar or whatever you use not TOO large....or they will feel like they are working for nothing!

I did the same thing with a reading program for Noah. I got this huge door-sized paper and drew books on shelves.......sideways.......we wrote in the spines of these drawn on books on this paper the names of books Noah read as he completed them. Once an entire row or shelf of books was completed he got a SPECIAL prize. You can also PURCHASE this same thing from school supply stores for not too much money. Noah loves to read so he really enjoyed this and you will also be amazed at just HOW much you read by keeping track in this way.

For learning all types of religions this link is helpful:

http://www.archaeolink.com/world_religions_lesson_plans.htm

AND I think that is enough to keep most busy. I have never purchased an actual curriculum from anyone or any company. I use a variety of online tools and cheaper things you can find locally to teach Noah. A lot of resources are now free which is ideal. Hope this helps others out there who are thinking about homeschooling their child...whether they are special needs or not!

Dear Noah:

If you look really closely inside your mouth on this picture you would see that your baby front tooth is now hanging so low inside your mouth......it should be about ready to COME OUT! I wish you could keep wiggling it to get it to come out so your new front teeth that are already there would have room to fall down into place!

So wiggle wiggle wiggle!

love you lots

mommy :X

Dear Noah

here is a clip of you doing homeschool with mommy LAST year.....you are such a smart boy...i love you! :X

Dear Noah:

You have been such a joy lately but also such a challenge......thank goodness the toilet paper wiping episode is over...hopefully........you have been much more playful with me than usual which is great!

anyway.........i love you lots........

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

You have been wired like a top lately. Not sure why. It was an experience taking you to Wal*Mart last night. You got sooooo excited to find out that YES INDEED they DO sell the Pillsbury Deluxe Chocolate Chip Cookies with Hershey Kisses that you love!

so........all is well in your world again. For now....cookie withdrawal over........

and I think I am finally starting to feel better.

I love you

mommy ;X

Dear Noah:

You were in a great mood last night. You really enjoyed the marathon yesterday on the Food Network where kids were doing all the cooking!

Then you enjoyed watching Dog Whisperer. ....and finally we danced to some music as I was actually feeling a bit better......and then you said "I want to play with you......come into my room!"

progress is being made

i love you

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

I had a weird dream last night. At the end you were in it. It bothered me so much it woke me up.

that is all I will say about that.

love you my little man! You just had a hissy fit over something......

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

wow. I have been sick all week so I have tried to stay away from you as much as possible...at least not being directly in your room and playing right beside you for long...etc. I have not felt like doing school or playing.....guess you have noticed but took it in an entirely different light.

Yep.........you just came to me and said this" I need to see daddy...I wish daddy would come pick me up and fly me back out to Colorado." When I asked you why you said "cause I love daddy more than you (with a wicked finger pointing) and he gives me more company than you."

This crushed me. I know you do not understand why I have avoided being directly around you this week even though I have told you why. AND you are always the one telling me "no mommy....shut my door....I want privacy" and never want to come out and do anything with me.

Well bud that will change now. No more DAY-LONG privacy sessions for you. You can just get your buttocks out of your room and come out and do things with me whether you want to or not. You will have to play with me regardless of whether you want to or not.

I was afraid this would happen. Yeah...daddy has turned into a FUN person. The person you think you always can do FUN things with and have FUN with. WHY? Because you do not live with him and have REAL LIFE with him. You only see him on vacations and free days. SO when you are with him it is always about having a good time! Daddy does not have to work during that time. He is not sick during that time. He can devote his entire day to you!

I know you notice that. SO when you have to come back to me.........oh no. Reality sets in. It is not always fun here. Sometimes mommy is busy and has to work more so I can pay the bills and that means you have to do things on your own. Sometimes I get too busy with work and feel crappy and it slows me down and I am at it all day long. I cannot stand this but what am I to do?

Sometimes I am sick like now and can barely make it by the normal day let alone do extra special things with you. This week I have not been able to homeschool you because I have just been too sick.

You see it differently. I guess mommy is not fun...not much COMPANY. You are always going into your room and shutting your door. We live in the same house but separate. That has to stop. AND I guess it will start now ...tonight. I guess if you get sick you get sick.

i love you.......but you have really hurt me....even though I am sure you do not have a clue you did.

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

I still feel like crap......though I MAY be getting a bit better. I wish I could snap my fingers and be back to normal health-wise. You have been really good about finding things to do to keep you busy while I am sick.

My work is suffering too. ....I am making all sorts of typos today.

I love you!

mommy :X

Dear Noah:

For 2 nights in a row now you have been sticking your finger up your nose to make it bleed. Picking is one thing.....not sure about this. You came to me and leaned over and whispered in my ear: "now mommy......it is okay for me to eat my blood ..........it is good for my stomach.........is it okay for me to drink blood?" things like that. It sort of freaked me out a bit! I asked you if you liked the taste of blood and you said "OH YES!" all excited. You were wanting reassurance it was okay to drink blood. You kept telling me it would be good for you. I said I thought it was sort of gross....you just laughed and giggled. hum........I know kids can be lacking something nutritionally when they crave things like this. Not sure if this is an actual craving or you just want assurance that because you made your nose bleed picking it......it is okay. I know with your semi-limited diet of foods you eat you most likely are lacking something.

i love you a lot.....but this was sort of spooky.....especially on Halloween night. I wondered if you had seen something about vampires and sucking of blood......but it was not like that.

anyway.....love you lots noah

mommy :X

Dear Noah......Halloween 2006

Well Noah had great weather for trick-or-treating. He had a good time but only made it about an hour...and that was fine. He got a good 3/4 bucket of candy. We stopped at Lowes so I could get more bubble lights. He had fun looking at the appliances...always does. That is a HIGHLIGHT to his trip there.

WHILE there this man who has come up to us before.....wandered over our way again......trying to blow up a balloon for Noah. There is something a bit creepy about this man....and Noah does not like him or want any balloon from him. The man just stands there with a goofy grin on his face.........and Noah cowers INSIDE the cart...starting to have a fit.....I just looked at the man and smiled and said "that is okay but he does not want one".....finally the man said "oh yeah....while I was blowing this up and looking at him I suddenly remembered I have seen you two in here before and he does not like balloons!"

I thought to myself it is not balloons he does not like...it is YOU! He won't leave us alone. Last time there this man followed us all around the store......it even bugged me. IF it happens again I am going to complain to management. I mean you should only have to tell him NO once......and he should leave you alone. He does not seem to get the message.

ANYWAY.......out in the car.......Noah said "I am going to have to kill that man".......so matter-of-factly. I asked "what?" and he repeated "one day I am going to have to kill that man". I was stunned. This is the first time I have ever seen his demeanor change and his entire face take on a different look and he has ever said anything remotely close to that! I guess in his mind it is a simple solution to an ongoing problem. I asked him why he would think he had to do that and he said "because he keeps following me around and won't leave me alone even after I have told him no". I have to admit he had a valid point....but I tried to point out how KILLING someone to get them to leave you alone would NOT be a socially acceptable solution to a problem like that. I explained other OPTIONS to him that would not land his butt in jail for eternity. It became very clear how DIFFERENTLY he sees things from some. How to him this solution he had thought of was simply that! A solution.......not realizing really what KILLING actually meant or entailed. When I asked him if he KNEW what killing meant he said he did not. I asked where he had heard it before......as I do not let him see shows or anything that mentions it let alone shows anyone getting hurt. I do know he had watched his cousins playing a game where they said something about killing people there...so maybe that is it. I don't like him seeing that but I know I cannot protect him from stuff forever either...especially in our society. This is the part of his autism that is extremely difficult to cope with....teaching him SOCIAL skills......things that are right....wrong.......proper positive ways to react to things.....etc. It will be ONGOING his entire life.

We then stopped at Krogers and the other store and finally got home. He was so exhausted as was I. I am fighting off some allergy or cold crap and feel horrible.

We will go trick-or-treating again on Tuesday night at my parent's house. Should be fun and bring back memories of me going around as a child...and they still do theirs at nighttime which will be more fun I think. Noah did ours around here during the daytime...between 2:00 and 4:00 p.m.

Here are some pictures of him at Lowes....in HIS ELEMENT! he LOVES appliances!

Dear Noah: Visit from Daddy October 2006

Well your father made it in for a visit. You were so excited to see him. The entire thing was good but also a bit sad. I knew when it came time for him to say goodbye you would likely have a real problem....and you did.

The visit itself went very well. BUT the night daddy was going to leave things got bad. You jumped in his lap and started to sob......saying how much you were going to miss him......how he needed to move to Ohio.....how he had to come back.........

You even came over to me when Daddy went outside to load the truck.........and said to me " I can love you less so I can love daddy more". "YOU can live in THIS house with all this space and I can go back to Colorado and live in the condo cause I like it better". "It is smaller and a lot of stuff is around me there". "I want to live with daddy and not you....I can talk to you on the phone instead of Daddy". On and on......crying.......pleading....sobbing.......it was horrific. I had to stop and ask myself too if perhaps Daddy put some of those thoughts into your mind....because until NOW you had not even mentioned him much let alone seriously THOUGHT about things like that. I know in the past daddy has basically "used" you to "manipulate me". That is really bad when a parent resorts to that.

BUT you were so sad.....however...when I told you I was filming you on the camera you INSTANTLY became FINE again........acting normal with no crying. I KNOW this is all part of your autism.....and partly just being a regular kid of divorced parents. I imagine this may be a bit harder for you to handle as it has entirely disrupted your life as you knew it. Your environment is different...your old routines no longer exist.......the people in your life have all changed. I feel totally responsible because it was my decision that ripped you up out of your firmly planted feet and life to bring you 1200 miles across country to begin a new life.....perhaps I did not really consider long-term how this might affect you if you did not have your daddy in your life on a semi-daily basis.

In an ideal world we could somehow all cohabit a large living facility where we could lead separate lives but all be together for YOU as well. I don't know if that would even be possible in reality. I suppose it could be.

BUT I will not dwell or go into a lot of detail here about your daddy leaving. It was very difficult for you.......though you did enjoy your visit with him. However, he was only here for 2-1/2 days. I often see how you act around Daddy and wonder if you would feel the same if it were me. Would you miss me? Would you cry when it came time for me to leave? I just wonder because around here most of the time you seem to want to be left alone...."have privacy" in your own room with the door almost completely closed. I have to really work hard sometimes to even get you to come out and eat at the table with me. I know you love me.........and I know there are times you have said you have missed me.....but I have never seen it displayed like you did with your father.

Will one day you decide when you are legally old enough to make a decision like that......that you would prefer living with Daddy? How would that make me feel? It would crush me. I know it would. I am not like your father. I cannot imagine one second of time not being in your life all the time........let alone living 1200 miles or so away from you and only seeing you occasionally. I would not get used to that. I would not even want to try. You have become the biggest part of my world and reason for living. I would be totally lost without you in it.

When it came time for bed you were still crying on and off...talking about how you wanted Daddy to come back next week and stay the entire month of November....how you needed him to BE HERE so you could give him hugs and kisses and tell him you loved him in person. I told you to give Daddy hugs and kisses and tell him you love him any time you want. On the phone, on the computer.....and before you go to sleep....you could close your eyes and talk to daddy......tell him you love him......and do hugs in your mind and fall asleep. I told you to call him the next day and ask him if he felt you giving him hugs and kisses the night before and I was sure he would say "YES!". You laid there......looking sad......still sobbing.....quietly.........trying to stop. You were thinking about something....and when I asked you whispered " I am thinking about Daddy and I am trying to give him hugs and kisses".

So lots of tears have passed......even a lot from me. This whole situation is such a sad one. It was my decision to get pregnant and have a child and bring you into this world. I DO NOT regret that....however....if I had any doubts about staying married to your father (WHICH I DID at the time I got pregnant)... I should have realized that would not be fair to you. I had always said if I ever had a child I would likely never divorce no matter what....because of the child. Your daddy knew this and used it to manipulate me too. Of course I realized later things happen beyond our control and the other person involved can make some dumb choices of their own in life affecting our lives...........so my opinion of that changed. Now we will likely just have to spend years making this huge adjustment in our lives. AND something tells me you will be fine......except for every time you see daddy and it comes time to leave. OR one day when you come to me crying and say you would prefer living with daddy.

anyway.....i love you.......and I am truly sorry for destroying the only life you had ever know since you were born...with me and daddy both in your world all the time.....surrounding you all the time......but we will have to work together to make a new life.....new beginning.....new start to new routines and fun together.

I love you noah wesley....forever I will

mommy :X

UPDATE: Daddy already called on his way back home....you talked to him for a SHORT time.....telling him on the other end "I don't want to talk to you too long" (cause your PC game was waiting in your room). SO I remain confused....not exactly sure what to think....knowing this all bothers you tremendously......and yet again if I keep you busy and bring others into your life....you are less affected and handle things much easier. Such a complete turn around from how you were even last night before falling asleep.

Dear Noah:

Well your daddy did finally decide to make the drive by himself across country to come in for a visit. He also wanted to surprise you.....so we did not tell you he was coming. First off you were still recovering from the overload this past weekend at the Halloween party. SO you have been a bit tired and semi-touchier than usual.

Anyway.....once Daddy was here he called from the driveway of our home...I said I would send you out to get the mail. I wish I would have recorded your reaction it was so precious! You opened the door to go get the mail.......looked behind you and up at the sky as usual.....checking out the day and getting ready to make a comment on how the weather looked for us for the night......when you started to turn around and looked toward the driveway and you saw Daddy there! You squealed with such delight and excitement....went running to him and lept into his arms and wrapped your arms and legs around his body and held on for dear life shouting "I didn't know you were coming!!" "I did't know you were here!" "OH I am SO EXCITED!" You were so happy I think you almost started crying. I know it about made me cry.

Once all of us came back inside you noticed Daddy and I talking to each other "fine". You came over and placed both of your hands on either side of my cheeks and asked me "so mommy are you happy now?" I asked you what you meant........and then you said something to the effect that you apparently had noticed I was talking to Daddy just fine and we were getting along OKAY and did not sound MAD anymore or yelling at each other...etc. I made it clear that while we were NOT mad at each other.....we also were not getting back together as we could not live together. BUT that we both loved you very much and we could always do things together......but not live together. I asked if you understood and you said you did and quickly moved on to other things. You could not wait to go spend the next couple of days with Daddy in the hotel!

Course I called today to see how you were doing. Daddy had tried taking you to a McDonalds to play in the play area and for breakfast. I rarely if ever do that anymore as a confined play area that echoes the sounds in the room made by kids is not easy for you to handle. In fact you just do not normally handle it well at all these days so I purposefully avoid those places. BUT you were there...kids started coming in....it got louder and louder......you did not want to share this certain play area toy with anyone else.......and of course another child wanted to play with it too. This upset you....and apparently you had a meltdown. Great.....here we go again. You were telling Daddy you wished you could have the entire play area to yourself! You wished you were the ONLY BOY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.....BUT you were also overloaded......have been for a few days now......and this is the time of year you get overloaded so easily. I guess it is not Daddy's fault ......he has not been around you recently to know you could not handle this. SO he apparently got you calmed down enough to finally leave. I am sure this exhausted you.

You spent the day together and when I called you did NOT want to talk to me on the phone. Which is fine......I had Daddy hold the phone down to you anyway so I could talk to you. You accept this method. SO I told you I loved you and missed you but was glad you were having a good time with Daddy. It is all about staying safe too......I cannot express that enough.

Tomorrow night we were supposed to go to a parade downtown and then trick or treating to the local merchants afterwards....but it is supposed to rain. Our city we lived in out in Colorado is under a blizzard watch......amazing.......sounds like they will get dumped on. I imagine we will get too much rain tomorrow and tomorrow night to go to any parade...but we will see. We will at some point all end up together and have some time together. Unfortunately for you Daddy has to go back on Friday morning....so it will only be a couple day visit for you.

Anyway....I am tired tonight. The house feels so disturbingly quiet and strange without you here. SO depressing. I realized I truly function FOR YOU. Without you here I am at a loss. AND it is not like I do not have things needing done...but I can scarcely concentrate on much these days let alone not think about you or wondering about you long enough to actually accomplish anything. Does this get any easier I wonder the older you get? AND even if I had another person living here with me now.......then what. It all comes back to "what's it all really about anyway?"

Seems I know at least one purpose I was put here on earth.........to be here for YOU and to help you. Otherwise lately I am at a loss.

I love you so much Noah Wesley. I miss you an incredible amount and you have only been away for 24 hours. I think I have called you about 4 times.

Mommy :XXXXXXXXXXXXX