Mommy loves you Noah! 

excited about his new radio control car! 

Noah on Christmas morning 2005 

Noah's 7th Birthday

My birthday wishes for you are many yet simple.

I wish you will always find your way in the world with confidence and security in the knowledge of who you are and what you can offer to this world and others.

I wish for your safety and protection so you can live a full, prosperous life.

I wish for peace in your busy mind and understanding so you can handle living in my world.

I wish for you to continue to love the Lord pure in heart and soul like you do now.

I wish for you the ability to avoid a lot of the crap most kids when teenagers have to go through to learn. My hope is you can learn by avoiding those challenges.

I wish for you to be able to feel fulfilled in your life at whatever you choose to do.

I wish for you to know you can do anything you set your mind to and to believe in yourself no matter what anyone else says.

I wish for you to continue to feel optimistic and hopeful, even when experiencing or seeing the horrors of the world today.

I wish for you to find a special love one day if that is what you desire so you won't be alone or lonely in this world but have someone special to share things with, to love and love you back and have a family.

I wish for you a new found ability to eat more variety of foods without gagging or crying.

I wish for you to realize there are always consequences to your actions and to think about those consequences before taking action. This lesson will save you a lifetime of regret.

I wish for you to tackle life with the gusto and fervor you already do. To enjoy life and living even through sorrows. I wish for you to suffer few sorrows.

I wish for you to continue to be such a loving, compassionate little boy, who will one day turn into a loving, compassionate man. One who will know how to treat a lady as a lady should be treated...and one who can support himself.

I wish for you to stay as a child in your heart and see through a child's eyes so you can keep the wonder of the world within you.

I wish for you to have independence one day.

I wish for you to have no regrets in your lifetime.

I wish you will someday know just how much I love you.

Happy 7th birthday my little man!

I love you so.



Mommy

Happy Birthday Noah!!

Today it is your 7th birthday. You have decided to get a Monster Truck decorated birthday cake (which you will probably only eat some of the icing of) and then you want to go to Perkins for lunch (to have pancakes). Daddy I think is getting you a Gameboy as he thought that would also be something to take along during our drive to Ohio.

Anyway...seems like only yesterday you were being born. I love you so and am very proud of all the progress you have made so far in your life.

Mommy 

To Noah from a special friend

Achieving Dreams




A dream is a seed
The seed of a tree
A tree full of life
And the things you can be
Your dreams are the windows
Through which you can see
A hint of your future
And the things you will be
Each night when you sleep
You're feeding the seed
The seed of the tree Of who you will be....

Dear Noah:

Well Christmas has come and gone. So hard to believe another year will be starting soon. Our lives are changing every day. You are so much calmer without Daddy here 24/7. An amazing difference. We have had some wonderfully intimate and giggly moments in time. I have loved and treasured them all. You are such a kind and generous caring person....bringing me snacks or water to drink..all without prompting or being asked to do so. We have played with your new Wedgits many times over....and have a blast each time. We have run errands and taken drives in the truck...much to your delight! We have quiet times here at home curled up in bed reading. You are finally starting to sleep by yourself....even if it is in my bed......when I am not in it!

The transformation is apparent to me...as I am sure it would be to anyone else around you.

You make mommy very proud of you Noah and I love you so.

Mommy

Your M&M guys!

For you Noah...your favorites!

Dear Noah:

Well we saw your daddy yesterday and again today....he stopped by after we talked so he could surprise you for a visit. You were so shocked to see him and immediately ran to him and plastered hugs and kisses all over him. At least the visit seemed to make you content and you were okay with him leaving. I am trying to establish a new routine for you....one where your home environment does not always include your daddy living in it 24/7. So far it seems to be going well...as long as you have visits or phone calls to him.

We took you to Occupational Therapy on Wed as usual. Afterwards we walked over to the adjoining park to let you play for a bit. A couple of really rough boys came up and slammed into some playground equipment you were playing with. Old enough to know better but they did it anyway. I did not think you would have a positive reaction to that. YOU started screaming but not as loudly as in the past and you took off running to a different area of the park. SO that went better than in the past where who knows what you may have done including possibly throwing something at them or somewhere else or even perhaps trying to push them? They were bigger than you so I doubt you would have pushed them. BUT ........I was impressed with how you handled it and quickly recovered. SO you are learning. ONCE THEIR mother called them back over to settle down and leave you alone...you came back and continued playing till it was time to go. Many times you want kids to play with you and be around...and many many times you don't and would rather just be left alone to play somewhere.

Looks like it might rain today. Wanted to get the truck washed...maybe we will wait.

Still does not feel much like Christmas to mommy. Hope I can at least make it feel like it for you.

I love you my little man.

Mommy

Dear Noah:

well...life is a bit in an upheaval lately for you and I am sorry for that. Problems between your mommy and daddy do not help. Having your daddy say bad things about your mommy also does not help. Wishing for a quick...easy solution is natural. Finding one however is another story altogether. If there is anything I need to teach you in your life, autism or not...it is about the importance of making choices. The choices you will make in your life all have consequences. Some will be good, some will be bad and some will only have to be cast aside as "learning experiences".

I guess that is where I am with your daddy now. I know from the start I made a wrong choice...however....if I had not made that choice I would not have you my precious little boy. For that I will always be grateful and moved and touched forever. I am so thankful for you.

However, I have continued to allow myself to be deceived by your father for 8 1/2 years. I cannot do it any longer. I am sorry only about this in regards to you and how it may affect your life and spirit. BUT I also know it is time to move forward, no matter how painful it might be.

While we have had many problems, you have NEVER been a problem for daddy and I. You never will be. None of this is your fault. It is my fault as I made poor choices...and your daddy's fault for making the choices he did, which in essence was to lie about his entire life and motives.

SO....without going into so much more than you or the world needs to know........just wanted you to know that there will be many changes coming up in your life. I am trying to make them all positive/good changes. I know it can be a better life for you. However, I also know just getting to that other side of BETTER is a long painful rocky road.

You should learn from us and always think about your choices in life. Think what the consequence might be for a choice you make in your life before you make that choice. Once put into motion you cannot go back in time to erase it or change things. Think about what you may lose by making a choice. Think about what you might gain. Think about what you may have to give up or gain. Think about whether it goes against all you believe in or supports it. Think about whether your spirit and soul are truly happy or feel like they are dying or already dead.

IF you can do this...you will save yourself much heartache and unnecessary trials and tribulations.

I love you so much Noah......to the moon and back again...forever and ever and ever and ever

Mommy

Noah's version of DECK THE HALLS

Dear Noah:

WELL..after TWO Days of NO FOOD and little to drink the TOOTH FINALLY CAME OUT THIS MORNING...your promptly sent your daddy to Burger King to get you some hashbrowns and are already making plans for lunch out tomorrow! So sweet you are and I LOVE YOU!

Mommy

Dear Noah:

Well today you are working on losing tooth #2....the bottom front tooth. Your first tooth loss was only a few weeks back and you handled that very well. In fact you went in and pulled it out yourself and all our fears about how you could or could not handle losing a tooth faded.

TILL today. The second bottom front tooth is loose and almost out...hanging by a thread. BUT this time round you are extremely upset by it all and WILL NOT just pull it out.....you have gone all day and the tooth is sideways in your mouth now apparently only attached by a thread.

You have not been able to eat....hardly drink....and really don't want anyone even trying to help you pull it out. SO it has been tough.. Crying...lots of that.....HAND FLAPPING which I have not seen you do in a long long time. An extremely upsetting day for you.

I am hopeful the tooth will come out tonight yet as you HAVE to be hungry.

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE MAN! even when you today told me if I pushed on your tooth too hard to try to get it out you would "run away". FIRST TIME you have ever said anything like that to mommy.........

You also brought out a bookmark that says "I LOVE JESUS" and handed it to me and told me that it was for me as "you have been mean and bad lately". You apparently think I yelled at Daddy last Thursday and am making him cry (yes we are having problems)...but I only raised my voice and in fact this time did not yell but was trying to protect an episode between you and Daddy. Somehow I am now the bad guy and have been reminded everyday to BE NICE and BE GOOD or Santa would not bring me any GOOD presents...and then the bookmark today.

SO what can I say? I love you regardless...and I suppose over time there is bound to be one of many days where you will think I am a mean mommy and maybe even want to run away....though I never thought there would be and it makes me sad to think you feel that way even if you don't completely understand it...at 6 1/2 years old.

LOVE YOU!

Mommy

Dear Noah

Today.....December 8, 2005. Such a trying day. Daddy and mommy are having some issues and you are definitely picking up on them. You told me today that we all needed to be nice to each other or Santa would not bring us any "good" present and we needed to hurry up and do this before Christmas Eve!

Course Daddy set you off today twice. Once it was so severe you actually "attacked" daddy. Not sure what happened but I could hear it and then Daddy came out and told me you came after him. So.....I have to continually ask myself...is this GOOD for you. While you love your daddy endlessly and I have never had any desire to take you away from him or split a family up under any circumstances......I have to also think about what is best for you and to be honest...I sometimes wonder if this is the best. The way I see it there should be no reason why Daddy cannot understand how to get along around you and not set you off just like I can. I don't understand why he can't seem to do that regardless of my endless reminders. Mommy gets tired of living like this and constantly reminding Daddy of what to or not to do...what to say or what not to say to you...how to look or not to look at you or how to just give you some space.

So....we have issues. I guess everyone does from time to time. Nothing is perfect....and time will tell how all this will work out or not. I have always made a vow however to never drag a child through divorce........but like I said...I have to also wonder how positive you being around Daddy if he sets you off is for you in the long run. I can see a time come when you perhaps wouldn't want to be around him at all....or worse....lose total control and really hurt someone or him and then what. Where do you end up? Where does that leave you? Seems all the good work I do and the progress we make can be set back in seconds when these episodes occur.

Regardless I love you. AND I will make sure everything will be fine for you so don't worry my little man!

Mommy

Dear Noah-OUR Christmas Tree 2005

So Noah we finally got our Christmas tree up and decorated. It actually took almost 2 days to complete...but you love it and so do we! It is an old-fashioned type tree with lots of toy-type ornaments on it and some tinsel....looks like an old-fashioned tree you might even see in a store window. Anyway...we had fun though you lost patience after hanging only a few ornaments. Right now you are watching some Christmas specials on television.

I LOVE YOU!

Mommy 

Dear Noah

Well we have still NOT decorated for Christmas. Hopefully tomorrow and/or this weekend we will get it all done. Kind of late getting a lot of things accomplished it seems this year.

You did want to make gingerbread cookies...so we did that tonight. We had fun but you seemed to tire out easily. I think not enough sleep lately.

You SO need a bath...but late for that too. TOMORROW for sure my little man!

I will love you forever

Mommy

Dear Noah

So today is December 1 already. That means only 24 days till Christmas. I am SO not ready yet and in fact today we will TRY to at least get our tree up and outside lights hung!

Yesterday went well in occupational therapy. You made a new friend. Another little boy there who I believe has cerebral palsy as he could not hold himelf up without support or his arms or hands or his upper body or head. BUT they introduced you to him. His name was GABE....and you both hit it off well. Gabe enjoyed sitting and watching you do all the things you had to do in the gym. That got him to TRY to sit up more on his own and hold onto ropes to hold himself up...etc. All clever ways they use to get kids like you and Gabe, to do the things you need to do to strengthen your bodies over time.

SO here is to today! Hope we get a lot accomplished!

I LOVE YOU!

Mommy