Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Noah you are sooo excited about taking a trip in a big truck like this and sitting up front with Mommy! Should be fun. I love you and we will take our time and be careful.
We will see you all next once we have arrived safely in Ohio!
Friday, January 27, 2006
Today we met Daddy for lunch.....he proceeded to tell us how he had applied for a job transfer to Columbus, OH..........which is great for you if he does change and no longer poses a threat to your sanity and emotional well being among other possible things. NOT so great in my book.
AFTER lunch you wanted to go to a park to play. MY first thoughts were "I don't have TIME to take you to the park today" ....thinking about all the things I have at home yet to do. I raised my voice as I started to freak out at even the idea of going to the park......you started crying........I then quickly realized I HAD to MAKE time to take you....we BOTH needed to get outside.....to breathe...relax......soak up all the positive energies out there in the natural environment as we breathed out all our toxic energies from within.
SO I took you to a new park I discovered about 2 weeks ago. You had fun.....some other kids came over to play from the nearby school. You were excited about the prospect of being able to play with them today. However, just 4 days ago you totally FREAKED when other kids arrived at a local McDonald's play area to play as you wanted the entire place to yourself...controlled environment...all about control. Too many kids...too much sound...noise...no control...you lose it.
At the park today you stayed away from the kids who were a bit older than you. You asked if you could go to the toddler area to play. A little girl and smaller boy were there playing...a brother/sister team. You tried interacting with them...running after them.....mimicking them and their actions and words.....I finally heard the boy say to you "do you have to follow us everywhere?" The little sister said "shhhhh". They sat there just staring at you. I am watching all this from a distance...waiting to see what would happen. Usually you can find someone (usually MUCH YOUNGER) that you click with. It did not appear that was going to happen today. BUT this did not seem to bother you much. That is one thing about autism...you can be very aloof to actions and words around you...especially hurtful ones. In fact sometimes you do not even know when someone is not being nice to you. SO you sat on the sand beside the boy and girl....in your own little world.....smiling....occasionally shaking your entire head and body into a contortionist maneuver........without a care in the world. The little boy and girl left...once again you were all alone. You came over to me and said "mommy I need a friend". BEFORE you could think about it long enough to cry and then obssess about it I told you that was one reason we were moving back to Ohio..so you could be closer to family and friends to do things with. You smiled...and were ready to leave. Today you were very uncoordinated...I think your braces in your shoes were bothering you or you need bigger shoes..something.
Then it all hit me. Watching you at the park...all by yourself...an all too familiar site since we have been here in Colorado. I was YOU before you were born...now we are the same ..together but still always alone.....never having anyone else to do things with.....no places to go to........our own world always.....secluded...totally isolated...which was no mistake on your daddy's part. BUT I also allowed it for whatever dumb reason I made myself believe.
I realized we have lived here for 8 1/2 years...and you have been ALL alone........all the time. You have cried about me getting you a baby brother or sister....you went through your Dick and Jane books wanting to have other kids to play with to PRETEND to be Dick and Jane...which is HUGE for you to even think about PRETENDING anything. You have finally learned to play with other kids and want it...and now most older kids or ones you age don't seem to always want much to do with you.
I sat there.....under the the cold winter/gray sky.........wind blowing....watching you. Sitting in the sand....aloof........happy yet with deep sadness within your heart. My heart was breaking watching you.... finally wanting to play with other kids...and the same kids rejecting you. I am just thankful you did not realize it.
I will love you forever and always Noah.........
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Surprisingly....Noah...you are handling the packing pretty well. EVERYTHING is out of order in our home. We have stacks of boxes sitting all over the place. NOTHING is normal in our routine. EVERYTHING is out of sync...and yet you have done very well. Other than your lips being extremely dry and cracking/bleeding recently......and you looking a bit peaked...you are doing super.
You seem excited about the move to Ohio....but at the same time you have sad moments where you say "I will never get to see the mountains again" and you start crying. I can understand this as I also have twinges of sadness with leaving the beautiful State of Colorado. I am and have always been drawn to the West. Not exactly sure WHY....but I have. Colorado has always felt more like home to me than my home State of Ohio. Oh well...the way I look at it...we go back to Ohio...if we like it we stay. IF not...if a yearning or drive is still there...we can always move again right?
DO NOT ask me now however about moving again. This has been one of the most overwhelming times of my life. With everything else happening and trying to pack and get ready to move and then actually drive the entire 1200 miles back...just YOU and ME.....well..what can I say but SIGH..........so...with that...I need to feed you yet again. You MUST be going through a growth spurt as you are always hungry these days.
I love you my little man.
Monday, January 23, 2006
in the Autistic Spectrum quarterly magazine contest to appear on the cover...he is a runner up but they wanted permission to put his picture in their Feb. 2006 magazine with the other runner ups...and they wanted to know some of his interests...also....they are apparently going to make a video and have all the runner ups in the video too............which they will use for conferences and educational purposes.
I thought that was pretty cool!
Sunday, January 22, 2006
SO........we went to the store...where before we left you proceeded to tell me that you "needed" to go to Daddy's hotel room and spend the night. I figured Daddy put you up to asking this but apparently he did not. I could not think of a reason to tell you as to why you should NOT go....not a reason I could tell an innocent 7 year old little boy. I did not want to tell you WHY I did not want Daddy taking you off by himself somewhere.....and my fears or worries as to how he might say things to you that would upset you..etc. How he can be an ass and manipulate you.......etc. No little boy or girl for that matter needs to hear those things about their mommy or daddy even if they are true.
Was I afraid to let you go? YES ...part of me was terrified. I know the types of things Daddy has said to you the last few times he has been around you and that was even WITH ME here....so I was afraid of what MIGHT happen when he had you alone in his hotel room. Daddy also does not really know how to DEAL sometimes with you and your autism....always still relying on me to help you calm down if you have a "moment". Daddy does not know enough about you to know what you might like to eat or why. Daddy seems to have to be walked through everything step by step as far as feeding you, clothing you, everything. I guess cause he never really involved himself a lot with your personal cares.
Anyway......because I could not think of a reason I could use to tell you as to why you could NOT go I let you. I packed you an overnight bag....and showed you what was in it and why. I explained RULES for you while gone. I looked at you standing so excited at the doorway and said out loud before I caught myself "I don't know what I will do here without you" which prompted you to come over to me......almost in tears....and place my cheeks of my face between your cupped hands and say to me "mommy....I will just be gone for ONE night...and then I will be back tomorrow and you can see me tomorrow" and you kissed me and hugged me. I acted like this was a fabulous idea even though I felt part of me was being torn away from me forever.
I hugged you back and kissed you and told you to have a fabulous time. I told your daddy if he pulled any stunts like he had been one more time with you...that I would do whatever is necessary to make sure he did not ever see you again unsupervised.
Not even halfway to the hotel you had daddy dial my number to call me. You wanted to make sure mommy was not sad. Once you heard I was fine ....you were more excited to continue your journey to the hotel.
Once we hung up the phone I bawled like a baby. Worried for you....but also at a loss as you were no longer here. The FIRST TIME in SEVEN YEARS I have ever been separated from you for anything.....for an entire day let alone overnight..etc.
I also started to feel bad as I had made a word to myself that I would not let daddy take you on unsupervised visits anywhere and I broke my word by allowing you to go. However...I also know legally I can do nothing to stop him from his visitation with you as legally he has every right to seeing you and having you every other weekend. Something that I will have to accept and get over whether I like it or not.
I realized I HAVE TO LET you go more often to things you might want to. This is good for any child to learn that kind of independence and no fear of being away from MOMMY or daddy. It is especially good for an autistic child. I can see where I have been very over protective because of your autism and afraid of what MIGHT happen if you were in someone else's care that I just never allowed that scenario to come up. This is not healthy for any child I suppose let alone an autistic child. It is my job as a parent to bring you up so you can be independent one day and not dependent on others for your care and emotional well being. I can't make myself a crutch for you forever. I cannot hold you back. I have to prepare you for the world one day on your own if I am a good parent. I have to accept that YOU are only mine for a very short time and are never really mine at all.....you are your own person with your own thoughts, desires and wishes...and you should WANT to have your own life....not one that just revolves around Mommy.
So.......you called later before bedtime to tell me goodnight. You sounded like all was well and you were having such a good time. I felt more at ease and better about my decision to let you go.
I did not get anything accomplished here in the house like I could have with you gone. I found the house disturbingly quiet and eerie with you not here. I was definitely at a loss.
I did finally sleep .......and this morning you called again.....all happy and excited...wanting to tell me that you wanted to stay there all day today......play with daddy....and spend the night again..and then MONDAY sometime come home. I decided that would be fine as long as all was going well.
So I just had breakfast. You are having a blast away from me. I THINK perhaps your daddy is trying to act like an adult around you for once....and now I have the entire house free again today and tonight...which means I could get a LOT of packing and work done.
SO.........I am still in my jammies.......coffee in hand.....feeling a tad better about my choices for you and finally realizing that PERHAPS I CAN let you go visit someone or spend the night with a cousin and not be worried or upset the entire time. The last time I was ever anywhere alone or with a friend without you would have to be 7 years ago...before you were born. ...as since I have just NOT done it.
SO I eliminated the stress of not having to move TOMORROW....but then experienced different stress by allowing you to spend the weekend with your daddy. BUT I do feel this could be a positive experience for us all....
meanwhile I am checking out some houses online that might be options to buy. I even found one up around St. Mary's Ohio near Grand Lake St. Mary's that might be wonderful. I know I know.....we don't have any family living in that area....but we would still be close enough to visit them or them us..etc.
Anyway Noah....mommy loves you to the moon and back again, forever and ever...and I always will.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
This proved true yesterday. He called about 2 1/2 hours prior to when he would have to leave for work. Wanted to bring lunch over for you and him and play. I said fine. He asked if I wanted lunch too and I said NO. He came over and you two ate lunch...played a couple of games..but Daddy was all too antsy to get out of the house. He acted like it was a huge pain in his butt to sit and play with you for any length of time. I now know WHY he did not come over this weekend. Heaven forbid he would have to spend a few HOURS with you.
SO as usual right before he was going to go he got you to crying...about the game Trouble. You had won 1 game and he had won 1 game and you were trying to tell him you wanted 5 more minutes to play a tie breaker. Daddy never let you get those words out as he got mad and said if you were going to act like that he was going to leave. Once again finding ANY reason or excuse to not do something he did not really want to be doing to begin with.
SO he was going to leave and you were standing in the hallway crying and telling me you wanted to tell Daddy something. I screamed at him to LISTEN to you...and told him he could at least spare 10 more minutes to play a tie breaking game (and to let you win)!
So you went off to the bedroom to play. While there you had your trusty little camera recorder recording you and daddy playing Trouble. I have never seen daddy move so fast in his life! He was SO TRYING to rush the game and get it over with quickly. It was incredible and the camera does not lie there.
On his way out Daddy and I got into it. AND true to daddy he once again is now trying to put the blame on everything on my shoulders...and use that as an excuse to NOT come to Ohio to live....which is not too suprising. ONCE I informed him there was NO CHANCE IN HELL we would ever get back together he backed off. I think he MAY finally understand at least that. SO I told him if he wanted to come to Ohio FOR YOU that was one thing..but if he wanted to come to Ohio thinking a delusional thought that there would be some chance of reconciliation between us two he should reconsider the move..as that was never going to happen. AND I told him I could NOT promise I would live in Ohio forever. SO then what...was he planning on following me around forever? What if I moved to a different state where he could not get a transfer. SO...I think this has caused him to re-evaluate his situation.
Now he left crying that I was taking his son away and he would never get to be a father...blah blah blah...and I told him if he wanted to be your father he could do whatever it took to make sure he stayed involved in your life...etc. He accused me of talking bad about him to you or my family......and that he could never come to Ohio now as he would have NO ONE there......(Guess he forgot about you-the reason FOR his moving to Ohio). He could not imagine being in Ohio knowing all my family might think ill of him...etc.
Amazing how he assumed I would, could and SHOULD move and give up all to be with him here in Colorado 8 years ago.
Anyway.......he is just grasping for any excuse now to basically justify his obvious changing of his mind in regards to moving to Ohio. PERSONALLY I would prefer he NOT be in Ohio. NOT pester me or you. ONLY come for visits....and I imagine over time he will even lessen those. I imagine he will dive head first deeper into his work and eventually time will slip away and he may see very little of you.
He still tried to manipulate you and me yesterday. He still managed to upset you and have you screaming and crying. BUT you on the videotape clearly said this "thank you for stopping by"....daddy did not acknowledge you and you repeated "thank you for coming by today"...so sweetly and innocently.
I told you later nothing was your fault. Daddy was sick and sometimes said many things that were wrong and made mommy mad. BUT no matter what...we would always love you and this means even when we live in separate homes. You seemed to feel better. I erased the clip after I saved it...but it is very disturbing to listen to now. Things are so clear....the problems are huge...and you my son were sitting in the hallway capturing every second. NO ONE should have to experience this kind of crap.
SO without delving into it much further...suffice to say that I can already see your daddy pulling back. Using other people and things as excuses to justify his staying here in Colorado. Only time will tell I suppose what will truly happen. So we will see.
Meanwhile we pack....and more quickly...as I feel the need to get out of Dodge even sooner than before.
I love you my little man...more than you could ever possibly know.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Your daddy did it again. He was with you alone only minutes....and yet managed to tell you when he saw me on the phone...that I was "talking to the devil". We had met at your occupational therapy visit............which I felt would be fine. Next thing it is over and we needed to run to Super Target which is not even half a mile away. Your daddy came up to me and told me YOU were riding with him in his car. I did not want to let you go alone with him...for fear he would say something to you again..to upset you or make you feel bad or worry. Then I kinda thought what could he possibly say in a 5 minute drive?
So I decided to make a quick call to a friend in Ohio on the way over. Returning a call. Once we pulled up to Target I was not quite done with the call..so rather than have you and daddy wait outside for me to finish since it was soo windy...you went inside without me.
(jump forward to later that night when I picked up the phone to make another call)....You came running out of your room.....saw me...started to cry and said "MOMMY...DON'T GET ON THE PHONE...DON'T CALL THE DEVIL!!"
I was stunned....thinking..NOT again....as your daddy has mentioned to you before that MOMMY had the DEVIL in her heart and various other absurdities.
SO I proceeded to ask you what? You said again "don't call the devil!" I asked you if you knew who the devil was and you said "he is the bad angel". I asked you who told you I was calling the devil? You said "daddy". SO...you then proceeded to tell me that ON the way INTO Target while daddy and you were waiting for me to finish my phone call...that he told you this "mommy is not happy right now...she is talking to her boyfriend....talking to the devil...this is all the devil's doing"...on and on.....praying outloud around you apparently to BIND SATAN from our family....etc....
No wonder you were terrified. I told you that you don't just pick up a phone and call the devil. That daddy was sick and did not always THINK about what he was saying before saying things and that what he said was WRONG!
I have since talked to Daddy. After some prodding he DID admit to saying all these things to you yet AGAIN.....and even more...questioning you..."who is mommy talking to??" so much crap.....and I would like to know WHEN I became the one supposedly doing anything wrong to begin with? It has never been about me doing things I was not supposed to be doing.
Reminds me of the night he lost it when I was talking to my friend Cheryl in OHio and he once again thought I was talking to a MAN.....and he lost it. Started pressing his ears up against the doors while I was locked in the bathroom for privacy so I could talk. I caught him at least 5 times in a row doing this...hiding like a caged in rat caught in a trap.....trying not to be seen but so afraid he was going to miss something. Desperation...not thinking clearly or rationally at all...accusing me of so much crap.....not sure why....basically acting temporarily insane.
ALL in front of you...all so your ears could hear.
I told daddy today that he cannot keep using you like this....cannot keep telling you things over and over and over.....things not true.....things he only suspects....his worries....prayers out loud about Satan...etc. He did admit to all these things and more.....it is no wonder I do not want him around you by himself right now. You are just now 7 years old...way too little for this kind of crap.
So.......I contacted the pastors and his therapists and everyone else I could think of. Hopefully he will continue to take his meds and get the help he so obviously needs.
Meanwhile we have more packing to do....and need to move even more quickly than before if possible. My family does not know the entire full story about all the crap we have been dealing with for so very long now. I chose not to tell them so they would not worry. BUT the time has come to start sharing some of this...so they won't think mommy only made the decisions she has because of someone in my life now or because I am imaging things or because I am just "in a mood" and will end up changing my mind "yet again" and stay here with daddy..etc. This has been so long in coming.....should have made this change so many YEARS ago. ANYONE I have in my life supporting me through all this now my family should be thankful for...not blaming them for any problems happening in our home as that is just not the case at all. In fact the few friends I do have...truly care about you and me Noah....and they are doing their best to keep us safe and protect us. Even from a distance.
I love you so....and don't worry Noah...Mommy is NOT talking to the devil on the phone!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
VOILA! My cousin may have found just the place. Now this is the time I wish I had money Noah...so I could just go in an BUY this home for us. It is not even that expensive as houses go. I mean we paid MORE for this condo than this entire house I am looking at in Ohio. Course I guess if I had money I could then just have a log home built for us somewhere which has always been a dream of mine.
It sits on 6 acres not just 2 acres. Has a stream...some woods and natural areas where deer come up to graze by the windows in the kitchen. It faces west....so you have beautiful sunsets to see each day and the warmth from the sun would help heat the place during the winter months. It is 3500 square feet! PERFECT for a growing boy and classroom, arts/craft room, my office, therapy room and hopefully a new home business of some type one day. Has 2 second floors...the first one with 4 bedrooms....the second with a huge open space...the third floor offering even more space. The biggest heating bill was only 212.00....with an average gas and electric bill of less than 100.00. About what we pay here in Colorado for a 936 sq. foot condo!
Horses in a field beside the house...running and grazing. The county fairgrounds not too far across the street...Some shops and restaurants within walking distance if need be.
Appliances are optional..including the riding mower. AND the best news...THEY WILL CONSIDER RENTING TO BUY!!!!!!!!!! which is probably the only way MOMMY can ever afford to buy any house for us to live in one day.
Knowing that your daddy will have to pay at least half of the price of the rent for this new place every month via child support makes living there even more doable and enticing. Knowing I could eventually double my income by typing more lines every day to make paying bills even easier is also encouraging. I mean I DO have the ability to do that...time permitting of course. If I could make what I did before at the hospital......which I eventually could...it is no problem to pay the rent there at the new place and my other bills as I would actually be paying LESS than I was here in Colorado anyway...on the same income.
SO many things to consider. BUT when my cousin told me all the details I just got a feeling....when I saw the picture of the home a week ago I could see us living there....having Christmas there....baking cookies in the winter time looking out our windows and seeing the snow falling...and deer grazing. I CAN SEE all this and more.....so part of me senses IT WILL ALL COME TO PASS...The house reminds me almost of the house from "Little Women"....and I guess it gives me a similar feel.
SO I am tossing out word again for the way to this house and renting/buying it be paved wide open for us. If I had some extra money I would even consider paying like the first year's rent up front....just to secure the deal even more. Not sure if it matters as this lady renting it sounds like she would be willing to do about anything. AND I come to find out this is the same house across the street from where my dad used to live as a little boy and he used to MOW the grass at this place.
I think we could both really flourish there. I can see us working hard but that it would be great for the both of us. I can see so many positive things...and knowing I do not have to drive to some place to work but can work from home is sooo encouraging...
So the word is out.....we need this house.....we need a way made for us to be able to live there and buy the place and fix it up the way we want to.....etc. IF I could just go in and buy it outright I would....so many things we would do.
I will post a picture of the house next
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Suffice to say we are most definitely moving across country now. NO choice and it is long long overdue. Mommy wishes she would have made some of these decisions a very long time ago. That is my fault. Not yours. To make OUR lives better now however and end this charade we need to move on. There are so many issues concerning your father I just cannot get into here....and you are way too little to probably ever understand.......so... I will just leave it at this. There are many many things starting from day one of your mommy and daddy even meeting that were wrong. MANY MANY lies and deceit have taken place over the past 8 1/2 years. Your daddy needs some serious help and I think he is finally starting to get some. Hopefully he will use this time on his own now to become the person he was meant to be in his lifetime but for our sake and for all the RIGHT reasons mommy can no longer stay married to daddy. This only changes the fact that your mommy and daddy will no longer be living in the same house. Otherwise it really changes nothing as you have known things to be. Your daddy will still always be your daddy and me your mom. I will always love you and daddy will love you too. We all need to move forward with our lives but not attached any longer...and this in reality will be a very good thing.
My entire family has no idea the depths this story goes to...and only because 7 years ago I shut up and quit telling anyone anything...good or bad...about my personal life and any problems or even danger I may have been in. SO it is no wonder why so many think my leaving your father is only a recent thing and that something must have only happened recently to have made me make this final decision. In reality however, our relationship was never normal or TRUTHFUL from day one. It went against everything I believed in....my integrity. It is my fault that I waited so long to end things and move on with my life. But things were never right from the start and have only slid further downhill from there. NOTHING that has happened in my life recently has caused any of this to happen. No one I have met...no one I have talked to. Things were already here long before NOW.
I have a positive outlook on things. I am not sad about any of this. In fact I am kind of the mindset we are brought into people's lives and they into ours for reasons. I think perhaps my reason for being with your daddy has been UP for a long time now. My purpose here is done basically. Now it is your father's time to do what he needs to do to become a better person. SO I am not sad....depressed any longer.......angry or anything. I am HAPPY about moving forward and leaving this isolated deceitful existence. AND getting rid of the chaos and stress for you is long overdue and necessary and in fact because I have already done so.......you have changed into a completely different person. A much calmer and HAPPIER little boy.
I do want you to know something Noah. I want you to learn how important it is to be TRUTHFUL in all you do in life...to have INTEGRITY and not be afraid to live by what you BELIEVE IN no matter what anyone else says...including family members. Only YOU truly ever know what your life is like and what things are happening in it....not anyone else. SO CHOOSE to always do what is right for you.
I sometimes wish there were an easier way to make these changes. Money would probably help and somehow having a place already lined up to move into would be nice. BUT I want you to know you will never have to worry about anything cause I will make sure you have all you need and I already KNOW things will work out and will actually be better than you could possibly imagine.so...
Okay......we are packing our butts off this week. AND speaking of that I need to go.
I love you so much Noah Wesley. I KNOW you will turn into quite the BIG man one day.